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Archive for December, 2006

2007 Resolutions – Predictions…


When I log into Word Press there are other blogs listed. And we have this young man, his name is Matt. Is He word press or just an elf that works for Santa? I am not sure, but I’ve seen him pop up a few times since I started this Word Press Blog. He styled the Holiday template which some of my fellows used this season. He wrote today about tagging your resolutions and predictions so that you could navigate to them easier and allow others to navigate to them as well. I guess I need to start somewhere…

I’m going to start with my Gratitude list:

1. I would like ot thank Ms. Nikki for being my friend, my mother, my guide and my rock when I was unsure of myself, and for providing certain staples when the money ran out.

2. I would like to thank Ms. Margo for never giving up on my even though she left the field if it were not for her I would not be here today.

3. I’d like to thank my homegroup for putting up with my rants and raves and who helped me to stay sober this last year, and every year since I got sober.

4. I would like to thank my boys, for keeping me honest and giving and loving. They would be Jon (Tx), Karl, (Ca), Jon (Melb Au), Clay(NYS), John (NYC), Darsh (Ca) and all you boys and men out there who participate in my social network.

5. Now the women… Boo,(Because she has helped me immensely with her care and support) , Shark Fu, Ms. MoMo, Ms. Beverly, Ms. Sam, you have all allowed me grace by accepting me into your world and lives and for that I am grateful.

6. I am nothing without men in my life. Here is to the most noble man I know I’ve not spoken his name, in keeping with the mystery we call him the Dating Dummy…

7. Ok, let’s remind them of the others too… David, Randall, Gordon, Dustin, Michael and Tom, Obliquity, the Zeitzeuge Studs, Homeboi (Manchester), Phoenix Boy (Sydney), Mitch (Germany), Steve and Chris. If I missed you then thank you too…

8. The Preacher Boy gets his own line because I love him so because he has loved me and ministered to my soul without judgement, just because.

9. For everyone I forgot ( old timers ) Forgive me – but everyone in my sphere is important.

10. I forgot to thank Donald Boisvert, my mentor friend and advisor and teacher. He has meant the world to me in the last 4 years of university.


Ok, let’s start with Predictions for 2007:

1. America will be forced to pull out of Iraq because Americans will revolt and impeach the President and he will go to the Hague for Crimes Against Humanity. Americans will finally get the balls enough to start a revolt against the government and the needless wars may, I said may end. But I don’t think they will totally.

2. Nasa will give up SOME of its secrets about the Aliens and UFO’s and Mars will surely be the next Final Frontier because something BIG will be found and with that truth will have to rule the day, there will be no ways around the BIG FIND on MARS.

3. The Middle East will erupt into a war of Nations and someone is going to get an itchy trigger finger. There’s gonna be a really big disaster, but not in the U.S. hopefully…

4. There will be conflict in the Pacific – China, South Korea and North Korea will come to blows and the U.S. will be forced to engage in the Pacific theatre once again.

5. Global warming will claim more lives as storms wreak havoc over the Caribbean and Southern U.S. – the Arctic Ice pack will further disappear and Polar Bears will make it on to the endangered species list.

6. I see a change in ocean currents in the coming year as more dead zones appear and the upcurrents change and that will impact the fisheries and world climate.

7. If new Aids drugs work as expected, we will see a sure shift in HIV/AIDS cases drop drastically and the world will turn to Africa once and for all and help them.

8. I don’t think that the world will turn to humanitarian needs as they should and millions more people will die because of starvation, famine, and war and AIDS.

9. The U.S. President will force his nation into another war – “Just because!” There will be anarchy in the streets and Washington will become a firestorm of factions.


10. I think that spiritual entities will make themselves known to mankind because the earth is going to hell in a handbasket and if someone does not intervene with the wars and disease and lack of concern for ones fellows, we are all going to die. The world will be forced to acknowledge that there is SOMEONE ELSE OUT THERE and we need their help.

11. I will make history on the HIV front this year with new medications. I will loose the 18 pounds and my health will take a suredly positive turn in 2007. I forsee a radical change in HIV treatment because of new medications.

12. There are always 12 …. I will live to see my 40th birthday…



13. I spoke of major disasters. I am going to amend my predictions and say that the U.S. will be part of a major occurrence, be it volcanic, geologic or natural. AS climate changes I think that the earth is going to shift. Yosemite has always been a hot spot along with Hawaii, the earth is not done shaking and sputtering. The Pacific rim could see some action and from that results circumstances across the pacific rim and the ring of fire.

14. The spiritual nature of DMT will arise in human kind – the turning from religion as institution to spirituality in Intuition will rise further. And once this transcendence begins what we know as religion will end, and those spiritual forces in the universe will become known to us. It is inevitable. Unless we change, the world we know, will come to an end.

15. We shall see a conflict that will end generations of people in the fertile crescent. Once all the factions kill each other, who will be left to repopulate that land? If it is true that the Maitreya walks the earth, we must be aware and look for that dark force that will try and darken the already darkening world.


Here we go now with Resolutions:

1. I need to get to the gym more often

2. I will need to fill time in this semesters schedule because classes are one day a week and I have two classes this term. Maybe I will get that “Indigo job.”

3. I need to loose 18 pounds, God willing if the new meds work

4. I need to accept that 40 can be beautiful

5. Resolutions are pointless because they bring up expectations and for an alcoholic in recovery and expectations is a HUGE mistake. Expectations are just prepackaged resentments.

6. I need to get two A’s this semester without a doubt, but never speak those words because one may never hit the specified goal and be disappointed.

7. I would like to become a fit, sexual beast of a man so that my husband will find me incredibly sexy in the way he used to when we first met! Oh how times have changed since then.

“as long as a word remains unsaid, you are its master; once you utter it, you are its slave.” (Jeff Vergara.com)


Before I sign off I need to thank the man I love, my husband. Because he keeps me sane, he loves me, he cooks for me and he is faithful to me, even if I am old and fat! I have worked to be the best man I can be and he knows that. So I love you Honey!!!



Happy New Year – Have one for me… And we shall see you in 2007 !!

Thank you for my sobriety. Goodbye 2006 and good riddance.



Madonna Confessions

TQS French Television here in Montreal, showed an UN-EDITED version of the Madonna’s Confession Tour Concert in London, which I taped – it is very different from the U.S. Feed that was shown in November.


New Years Came and we were flipping through the channels. We stopped to hear Dick Clark count down the New Year. We sat on the sofa, we did not even take out the champagne flutes to toast the new year. Hell, we did not even get up and hug. New Year went by without a notice. After the ball fell, we moved on to some Discovery Television and went to bed around 1 a.m. I finished reading a book (Bloodletting) and it is now approaching 5 a.m.


Abooga booga booga Ah Ah Ah….

Reach for the Stars…

I found this image atUbuntu Blog:

I serendipitously happened across this beautiful image while browsing the web. Imagine my surprise when I learned that Mark Shuttleworth rendered the image in orbit using povray! The image was apparently inspired by Exupery’s Little Prince.


Read about this visual here.

Or Buy the poster here.

Jeff Vergara.Com


Go see Jeff’s Incredible Photography: The Dubai Chronicles/Jeff Vergara.com

Medical stories and faith…


It is the last Saturday of 2006. Another year has passed us by. I can’t say that this past year was difficult in the sense that bad things happened, suffice to say, it had its ups and downs. I think the major downer of 2006 was the death of Sister Georgette. Cancer is a very harsh and cruel disease. With her gone now, visits to the Mother House have come to an end. With no direct link left to the house, the other nuns do not call or invite me up. Last night I took out my prayer beads (which I really love) they a beautiful rose wine beads in the Anglican format from The Solitaries of DeKoven.

In that pounch in the backpack is where I also keep Sister Georgette’s Rosary and relics that I got after she died. I spent some time saying a rosary for (mom) and (sis) I have faith that my prayers go directly to God because Sister Georgette used them when she was alive. And she prayed her rosary daily for as many years as I can think about.

Faith is as strong as the strongest medicine. It is the thread that connects us to the divine. And where else do we find the power to survive? Faith is the key to Divine Inspiration and power.

The more faith one has the greater the power of transformation and healing. I believe that with prayer and a little faith one can transcend what is human into the realm of the spiritual. I believe that God hears our prayers, each and every one of us. And besides all the curative drugs and chemo there is, the base for any healing comes from the creator of the universe. That is where we shall find the strength to fight and to conquer. And we will be victorious.

Last night I had a really long conversation with a friend, and it was like we knew each other so well. We laughed and giggled and talked about some serious issues about family and such and so forth. I felt good that I could be of some use. The future is going to be challenging, and we shall be victorious.

I want (Sis) to know that I pray – I pray daily – I prayed last night that whatever the power is out there, that She-He-It help us stay strong and to be able to be strong and to be able to fight, and most importantly that we know that we are loved.

When all was said and done last night, we turned on the radio to hear Art Bell start his radio show, from the High Desert – in Pahrump Nevada, Art and his wife are back home in the U.S. and what a joy it was to hear him last night. I spent a few hours reading Bloodletting and other Miraculous Cures, I am about halfway through the book. I am finding the read quite enjoyable. It is a very emotional roller coaster ride of emotions, and I found myself wanting to throw the book against the wall over Ming and Fitz…

(Go read the book)…

We ventured out to the store a bit ago to get some supplies for the weekend. Thank God for Gift cards to stores that sell FOOD! New Years will be a very muted night. I am not sure if what the final decisions are on events as of yet, but since cash is tight until Tuesday I am not sure what we are going to partake. When one does not drink, parties are something we don’t go to. Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve is not what it used to be when I was a kid. There is no family to celebrate with, no great dinner party to dine at, nobody to really ring in the new year with as it was so long ago.

As of late I have been reading allot of blogs in certain circles and many people are reminiscing about the past. I could sit here and write all that stuff down again, but why bother – it won’t change the time line, but only bring up old memories and feelings that have nothing to do with today.

“I don’t live in the past, it distracts from the NOW!”

We welcome the Preacher Boy back to the circle – You can find him over at “Being Selfish” over on my list —> over there. I made a call the Texas last night, I thought it would be wise to check on all my ladies before I went to bed. I’ve spoken to all of my boys this week and they are all doing good.

That’s about it from Montreal. It snowed last night and this morning, and the temp is sitting at a balmy (-7 C) and more snow is expected over the next couple of days. YAY!!

We shall see you all on the flip side.


Arctic ice shelf collapse poses risk: expert

An ancient ice shelf the size of 11,000 football fields that broke off Ellesmere Island could be dangerous when it starts to drift in the spring, a scientist says.

The collapse of the ice island’s northern coast represents the largest breakup of its kind in the Canadian Arctic in 30 years, the head of a new global ice lab at the University of Ottawa said on Thursday.

The collapse of the ice island's northern coast represents the largest breakup of its kind in the Canadian Arctic in 30 years.The collapse of the ice island’s northern coast represents the largest breakup of its kind in the Canadian Arctic in 30 years.

Luke Copland, an assistant professor at the school’s department of geography, said scientists are surprised at the speed of the collapse of the Ayles ice shelf, about 800 kilometres south of the North Pole. It took less than an hour.

He said the new island formed by the 66-square-kilometre fragment, which could be up to 4,500 years old, could present a serious risk to oil platforms in its drift path in the spring.

At the longest and widest spans, the remains of the Ayles shelf are about 15 kilometres long and five kilometres wide. The fragment is between 30 and 40 metres thick.

Copland learned of the break after an official with the federal government’s Canadian Ice Service noticed the change on satellite images and passed it on to him to determine what happened, according to a report by CanWest News Service.

In June, Copland received nearly $206,000 in grant funding from the Canada Foundation for Innovation to create the Laboratory for Cryospheric Research, which will monitor the state of glaciers, climate change and study ice in all of its forms.

A satellite image shows a 66-square-kilometre chunk of ice has broken off Ellesmere Island.A satellite image shows a 66-square-kilometre chunk of ice has broken off Ellesmere Island.

Warwick Vincent of Laval University in Quebec City, who travelled to the new segment, said in 10 years of working in the Arctic, he had never seen such a dramatic collapse.

“It’s like a cruise missile has come down and hit the ice shelf,” he told CanWest News Service. Vincent is a professor at the university’s biology department, where he does ecological research.

The collapse of the Ayles shelf — one of six that still existed in Canada — occurred 16 months ago, on Aug. 13, 2005, but because it is so remote, no one saw it.

Scientists have been combining seismic and satellite data to determine what happened and are now releasing details of the collapse.

The researchers suspect climate change may have played a role in the collapse but said they cannot definitively say it is a result of global warming.

With files from the Canadian Press

End of Year Review 2006 – Prospectus 2007


I haven’t really thought about the end of the year review but in reading some other of my fellows like Zeitzeuge, I guess I should write it down, before I forget. I live my life on a different wavelength – unlike my fellow, I am married, and I am sober, so relationship issues are somewhat the same, but are different. When you are sober and get married everything changes. Add to a marriage a bi-polar rapid cycling man and an HIV positive man and you’ve got yourself a pretty green pickle of a situation. Sero-discordant issues are a reality, but not as much any longer. Life is an issue, problems arise, but we deal with them as they come up.

We don’t live on year to year expectations. We have been on an path, so to speak. Our lives are lived in the pursuit of happiness, in as many ways as one can have it. The work that goes into “making a relationship work” is a force of nature. It is a willingness, an energy that I have no idea from where it comes, how one taps it, or how to control it. I guess this energy comes from the fact that “I made a promise” before my friends, family and before God.

A relationship takes on new meaning when vows are spoken and promises are made before God, at least that means something to me. Add to that – that my husbands Bi-Polar issue started well before our marriage and I chose to stick it out and be a man and do the right thing. That commitment has carried me through until now. It is the promise I remember – the man I knew then – and the man I know today. They are not the same man by any stretch of the imagination.


I have spent another year learning how to be a Better Husband. To become the best man I can be. To continually know how put someone elses needs before my own. THAT is the gift and meaning of marriage and becoming a MAN. That is my goal, to be a better man, husband, partner, global participant.

I don’t focus on my “Positiveness” like some of my fellows. The only place the word AIDS or HIV appears is in my sidebar profile. I only talk about it when necessary. Aids does not define me, nor does it limit me, nor does it make me any different than any other man or woman, it used to.


But the older I get and the longer I survive, the less important what I am or what I have becomes or exists to be for me. So what I am Gay, HIV positive, so forth and so on.


WHO I am is more important than WHAT I am… with age comes wisdom. That I can share that wisdom with others through the medium of a Blog makes each one of us important to those who read us. And that makes us accountable and responsible and reliable to be good men and women. To think of others when we write to try and leave the world a better place than when we came into it.


What IS important is that I am Clean and Sober. I quit smoking at age 39 and succeeded. I have had 5 years of continuous sobriety. I still go to meetings and I live my life in the terms of a “sober life.” I am a fallen away Catholic become Buddhist. Ritual is totally important to me. Be that religious or spiritual. My life is lived based on a series of daily rituals that I follow, and so does my hubby. Unlike some, living a sober life is much different because allot of what you all suffer from or deal with, are non-issues for me and my hubby since we are both sober. We both have medical issues, we both have addictions issues, and we both quit smoking.

Marriage changes everything.

Willow Tree Heart of Gold

Hubby and I have spent that last 4 years learning how to live with another human being in close quarters. We were both sober when we met. Freshly sober. We have had a few years to work through our resentments and emotional issues. When life is on the line, everything else becomes less important. What once was important and critical to survival has changed since I decided to stick and stay.

I may harbor a couple of resentments because certain areas of my life are not what I would like them to be, but that is not my fault. Sex IS an issue, when mental illness is a fact of life. And I have learned to deal with that. If there was anything I could change with pin point accuracy, that would be the first issue that would be changed.

Everything else is, well, unimportant…

Because we do not engage in the regular activities of the main stream homosexual couple, we don’t have the same problems you do. We don’t socialize in great numbers. We are very quiet, and home-bound gay men. We are involved in University Careers, both of us, full time, so much of our time is spent in academic pursuits. Our friends are hand picked, and who we choose to spend time with or invite into out home is specific. We have gay friends, but we don’t socialize with them like we used to. We have become particular and judgmental in our old age.

In the last year we have made great strides. We have both began the 2006-2007 academic year and have successfully navigated through the fall semester with passing grades. Hubby is truly a better academic than I am. He is a genius. Yet I continue to pass with good grades, nonetheless. The goal to graduate is what we both want for ourselves. I guess we are lucky because we are both on bursary programs in Quebec, so we don’t work full time jobs nor can we because that would screw up our financial aide.



I have decided to delay my graduation in opt for a calm Winter semester with only 6 credits, which is still full time for a student with disabilities. I will take a language over the summer because in Quebec you need French to work and qualify for certificate medical / social work. I will graduate next Fall, which will be ok. It’s not like I am in a hurry to graduate. I need to bump up my GPA to graduate with distinction, as my academic divisor has requested of me. So I have changed my academic schedule and that’s ok with me. Better to be safe than sorry.

How can I be a better husband? I think I do a pretty good job at taking care of my hubby and not being demanding, resentful and angry. We hardly fight or argue. We both have a life outside the home. We both have or circle of friends. I have my meetings and he has his. We both have time apart going to the gym and studying. You know the one area that we are still working out is Financial. We still struggle with finances, although we are not in really deep, but we are far enough to still have issues with money – in that paying all the bills – rent – tuition and still have money to buy food for the entire month afterwards.

Finances is the proverbial thorn in our sides.

What do I want for 2007? I would like to pay off all of our debts. I would like to pass the Winter semester at school. I would like to take a nice vacation (Cruise) this year, I am supposed to start new HIV medication in Jan/Feb, I hope that I can tolerate the new meds and not fail another regimen. I need to loose the 18 pounds I gained in 2006 due to my old HIV meds. I would like to make 6 years of sobriety. This year is the BIG 40!! I need to SURVIVE another year with HIV…

Marriage will be what it will be. Our relationship will become what it is to become this year and we will deal with the issues as they come up. Unlike some – we don’t have to worry about trivial self centered issues. We don’t have to deal with the wreckage of our pasts any more, and thank God we don’t drink or drug or smoke any longer. A Lotto 649 Win would be nice this year. That would solve the financial woes. But would that make us happy? No, I don’t think so.

We have our health and we are both still alive.

I want my boys to grow up into fine young men. I want Jon, and Karl, and Clay, and Jon and Darshan to grow into fine young men. I mentor a few people and they are my sons. I care for them as if they were my own. I devote a huge portion of my life into the service of others. It is a very Buddhist/sober thing to do. In order to keep it, you must give it away. This will be a tough year for some of them, but as long as they know I am here and as well, the other men who mentor these young men, they will be ok. I am hoping to take a few trips this year to visit my boys and of course in June the Preacher Boy is coming to Texas and I will be going to visit Beverly, the Preacher Boy and Jon and Nathan in Texas, so that will be exciting.

So some wise thoughts for the rest of you to ponder…

If you think you have issues that you cannot solve, then I invite you to come and take a few of mine for a week or two. When you think of it, after studying The Holocaust, like I did this past year, My problems and issues PALE in comparison to some. The world is in pain and I need to focus my energy globally and live my life spherically, in many directions.


Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

May God bless you and keep you-until then.



“Never loose your childish innocence, it’s the most important thing…”

“Ladybugs… Lots and Lots of Ladybugs…”

“What are four walls, anyway? They are what they contain. The house protects the dreamer. Unthinkably good things can happen, even late in the game. It’s such a surprise.”

Jainism Final Exam

Buddha with a view

I got my final exam in the mail from Dr. Orr. I got a ( B ) on question #1 and a ( B – ) on question #4 on the Jain Diaspora and mendicant traditions. YAY… I did well in this class. I checked my grades for the term.

1. Holocaust ( B – )
2. Buddhism ( C )
3. Jainism ( B )

I am still contesting my ( D ) and ( D – ) on my exam questions from The Holocaust. So that
( B – ) may get higher when I am through with that Prof.

The Holocaust Final exam

So I got word tonight that my grade for the Holocaust class was wrong and that I actually made a (B-) rather than a (C-) that was nice to know. I was also informed of the grades on each essay I got a (D) on one and a (D-) on the other. He’s gonna grade my essays like that after all that fucking reading and work I put into that exam, Absolutely unacceptable.

Un-fucking believable…

Needless to say I am not pleased and I contested my grades. I also forwarded those emails to the chair of the religion department. No fucking way! Absolutely NOT!!

The Death of a President (RIP)


LOS ANGELES, California (AP) — Gerald R. Ford, who picked up the pieces of Richard Nixon’s scandal-shattered White House as the 38th and only unelected president in America’s history, has died, his wife, Betty, said Tuesday. He was 93.

Ford had battled pneumonia in January 2006 and underwent two heart treatments — including an angioplasty — in August at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota.

He was the longest living president, followed by Ronald Reagan, who also died at 93. Ford had been living at his desert home in Rancho Mirage, California, about 130 miles east of Los Angeles.

Ford was an accidental president, Nixon’s hand-picked successor, a man of much political experience who had never run on a national ticket. He was as open and straightforward as Nixon was tightly controlled and conspiratorial.

He took office minutes after Nixon flew off into exile and declared “our long national nightmare is over.” But he revived the debate a month later by granting Nixon a pardon for all crimes he committed as president. That single act, it was widely believed, cost Ford election to a term of his own in 1976, but it won praise in later years as a courageous act that allowed the nation to move on.

The Vietnam War ended in defeat for the U.S. during his presidency with the fall of Saigon in April 1975. In a speech as the end neared, Ford said: “Today, America can regain the sense of pride that existed before Vietnam. But it cannot be achieved by refighting a war that is finished as far as America is concerned.” Evoking Abraham Lincoln, he said it was time to “look forward to an agenda for the future, to unify, to bind up the nation’s wounds.”

Ford also earned a place in the history books as the first unelected vice president, chosen by Nixon to replace Spiro Agnew who also was forced from office by scandal.

He was in the White House only 895 days, but changed it more than it changed him.

Even after two women tried separately to kill him, the presidency of Ford remained open and plain.

Not imperial. Not reclusive. And, of greatest satisfaction to a nation numbed by Watergate, not dishonest.

Copyright 2006 The Associated Press.

Eternal Rest Grant him and may perpetual light shine upon him.

The era of Gerald Ford was well before I was old enough to understand. But later in my life we studied government, not so much specifics about Nixon or WaterGate, that came much later in life. Students were not taught about the failures of presidencies in middle or high school. Any death of a president is important to mark with honor and respect.

6th Sober Christmas…reflections


It came without fanfare, it went by without acclaim. And after all is said and done, I am unmoved and unimpressed. But I am spiritually aware that I learned something throughout this holiday period. Sobriety never ceases to amaze me when I least expect it and when I most need it. God moves when I need to know that I am ok and loved.

I can say this for my sobriety, I must stay connected and remember why it is that I got sober in the first place. Because, I cannot just have one drink. I cannot use drugs and I cannot think like a normal person. But, you wonder, what IS a normal person. I do not know what normal looks like or feels like, so my sobriety has been an experiment to try and divine what normal is, according to the steps and the work I put into myself on a daily basis, contingent on my spiritual condition.

I did not expect miracles this holiday, well, I take that back, maybe one or two. But I did not place much importance or credence or power into my miracle expectations, because I know what expectations mean to me and how every time I expect something God giggles and gives me something totally different to ponder.

There are just some amends that may never be made. And I may never be forgiven by some people in my past, namely my family. Because they don’t know what AA is or do they have one iota of understanding of what sobriety is or how it is achieved. I made a move to invite dialogue and celebration and what did I get in return, a slap in the face. I am angry that still to this day, I cannot receive absolution or resolution in one major area of my life. But I must remember that God forgave me a long time ago and that I don’t need forgiveness by every man and woman on my amends list, because they are where they are at and I am where I am, and I must remember not to be so hard on myself. Some people may never get to where I am on the path, and that is ok. Because I have cleaned up My side of the street, and that is all I am responsible for.

This holiday I chose NOT to engage the insanity or participate in the whole commercialization and insanity of the holidays. I discretely shopped and did what I needed to do for my home and family, and I did my best not to engage the insanity in my head, and I was rewarded with another stage of enlightenment. All these years I have watched people struggle through the holidays with family, sobriety and the whole “living a sober life” and in 6 years of sober holidays, this was my first real “sober” holiday. I used all those years of experience of others to have for myself a sober holiday in as many ways as I could have.

And I found that I can be with myself and be by myself and be ok with that. I am ok inside my own skin and I am capable of not making stupid and rash decisions or act out in ways that would harm me or others. That is progress. I don’t need to act like I like everybody and that I can focus my love and friendship with those who mean the most to me and my hubby. And I know intuitively that those people who thought it was important to be part of my christmas were. And that was enough for me.

This afternoon hubby and I ventured into the Boxing Day mele at the mall right down the street and let me tell you, never go shopping in any store on Boxing Day because it is a free for all barage of insanity on all the major senses. We were in Zellers for less than 30 minutes and even that was too much insanity for me! The noise and the commotion and the fighting over merchandise and the pushing and shoving and the tempers, Oh My God, I could not handle all the insanity, I had to get out of there as fast as I could.

I met Ms. Nikki for coffee and the cafe was so noisy and insane that we decided to walk over to the church 2 hours early so that we could have some peace and quiet to talk and set up without the rush. Not to mention that I had to shovel snow for the first time this season this evening. We are responsible for the walkways around the church because we use the hall on Tuesdays.

I had hoped for a good showing tonight and I was extremely pleased that so many people came to our meeting at 6:30. It was a raw and honest meeting. I remarked that after christmas, I found that I thought I had missed something, in the fact that the holiday was so quiet a devoid of so much emotional and mental insanity this year. It felt strange, you know, not being in the middle of the storm. This year I chose to ride out the storm by staying in the eye, in the middle where it is calm and peaceful watching everyone else suffer and be insane. It is very much like getting sober all over again. Learning that it is ok to be devoid of the voices, the insanity and the ritual of self mortification and abuse.

Watching newbies get sober is a fresh experience, it keeps me humble and present to the moment. It keeps me engaged to my sobriety because I sure as hell don’t want to go back to the way it was. I kinda like it here in the calm of the safe harbor of serenity. This new sense of self is sometimes unnerving. I don’t know what quite to make of it yet, I guess I need to sit here and understand the feeling a bit longer – to put space between me and the event so that I can allow hindsight to grow into understanding. Suffice to say I came through this without any major resentments or heartache. I did not allow myself to sit on an expectation and be broken. I know my family may never grow to understand and I don’t expect it, but I still pray for that miracle to come. The promises do come true eventually, all of them, one way or another.

I know that it was not about the gifts for me – what I was going to get. It was more about making Christmas special for my hubby and my close knit family. All I wanted was for my friends to have a holy holiday. I wanted Sam and Beverly to be allright. I wanted them to know that they were loved even if that love came long distance. I wanted to know that Scott had some peace and felt the love of the holiday. I wanted my hubby to know that I loved him and I think he knows that. It wasn’t about me – all that much.

I made some sober decisions and my hubby made sober decisions for me so that I could be free of those insane activities that I have been a part of over the years. I chose not to engage those people who don’t participate in my life on a daily basis. I am not going to play “family” with those who think less of me because I am gay, not at my age. God forbid they find out I am HIV positive… that would be a major nightmare. 12 positive holidays and I am still alive, God is not finished with me yet. Hallelujah…

The holiday was calm, unnerving and unfamiliar. Yet, 5 years of sobriety were unfamiliar until I got here, and I walked through it. Hopefully expectant. I wanted a spiritual holiday and I got it. It feels good to be sober 5 years on. So we trod on that road of Happy Destiny. Thanks to all of you who have been on the merry go round with me. I appreciate all of your wisdom and your encouragement. Even if you didn’t say it directly, here on this page, I know you are all a part of my life anyways – because I choose to include you in my life today.

It was a good day.

Blessings on your heads…

Goodnight from Montreal

Bloodletting and Other Miraculous Cures


Get it: Here and Here

Tuesday Boxing Day. I haven’t started reading this yet, but the praise inside the cover for his writing seems genuine. I will let you know how the read goes.

And so it is…


The prayers of millions of people went up last night and today God answered those prayers. The snow has been falling rapidly for the past 4 hours. This is going to be a major snow event. The first in Montreal this season. They tell us the snow will continue all day into the night.

There is SNOW on the ground… Lots of it…


Soul star James Brown dies at 73

Singer James Brown, known as the “Godfather of Soul”, has died at the age of 73, his agent has said. He was admitted to hospital in Atlanta after being diagnosed with severe pneumonia but died at 0145 local time (0645 GMT), said Frank Copsidas.

The star was famous for hits including I Got You (I Feel Good), Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag and Living in America.

“He is such an influence, I learned so much from him,” Mr Copsidas told the BBC World Service.

He was dramatic to the end, dying on Christmas Day

Reverend Jesse Jackson

“On Friday he had his toy giveaway, which is his annual toy giveaway in Augusta, Georgia.

“On Saturday, he went to his dentist up in Atlanta, and his dentist told him something was wrong, and he sent him to a doctor immediately.”

String of hits

Brown was born in 1933 in South Carolina.

He joined a gospel group as a young man after his release from jail for trying to steal a car.


He had his first hit on the US rhythm and blues chart, Please Please Please, in 1956.

Brown had 94 hits on Billboard’s mainstream Hot 100 in the US, according to his official website, and by the end of his career, he had a repertoire of 800 songs.

However, he achieved only one top 10 single in the UK – Living in America, from the soundtrack of Rocky IV, which reached number five in 1986.

The star was credited with spreading the popularity of funk around the world, influencing a new generation of black music which spawned rap and hip-hop.

Brown, who had surgery for prostate cancer in 2004, appeared in London in October as part of the BBC’s Electric Proms line-up.

Hall of Fame

At the time, he described how he planned to carry on as a performer, saying: “Everyone’s got soul, whether it’s talking, hip-hop, rap, gospel.

“I don’t wanna change, because then I’d have to name myself Sam Smith or Ted Wright or somebody. I’m going to be James Brown.”

James Brown in 1992

Brown won the Award of Merit at the American Music Awards in 1992

Last month Brown played at a ceremony at London’s Alexandra Palace which saw his induction into the UK Music Hall of Fame, 20 years after entering the US equivalent.

“He was dramatic to the end, dying on Christmas Day,” said US civil rights leader Jesse Jackson, who has been a friend of Brown since 1955.

“He’ll be all over the news all over the world today. He would have it no other way,” he told Associated Press.

Former BBC Radio 1 DJ Andy Peebles said he was “a one-of-a-kind, never-to-be-repeated star”.

And Bob Harris of BBC Radio 2 described him as a “massive influence, not just for black music but also for so many white music fans who were so strongly motivated and influenced by the music he made”.

Santa came to our house…


Did you leave out your milk and cookies last night?

I did

Last night hubby came home on the express run from Ottawa so we were home by six, after running some last minute stuffs from the grocery, we unpacked and got him resettled in. We watched a little tv and I was off to bed by nine, I was pooped.

This morning, I was up at 7 a.m. I waited until 7:45 a.m. and put a Christmas CD in the stereo – “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer!” as the coffee was brewing. Hubby finally got out of bed and we opened our gifts. The was the first time we have celebrated Christmas in our home – because we are usually in Ottawa.

We got some great gifts from my inlaws. My sisters in law usually put together these extremely beautiful gift baskets with all kinds of trinkets, bath accessories and for Liz, she and her hubby OWN an “A” style Canadian Tire in Guelph, they sent us a HUGE basket with goodies and brand spanking new fry/Stir Fry Non stick pans!! WOO HOO!! along with some kitchen stuffs, and we each got a Canadian Tire Gift Card! Fabulous.

For you Americans “The TIRE” is a Canadian Institution. You can buy anything and everything at The Tire. The Tire is n all purpose, get it all here kind of store. Not to mention the more you spend there, you get “Canadian Tire Money.” It’s like monopoly money that you can respend at the store or any Canadian Tire store.

Hubby did well too. He really liked the gifts I got him. I was crafty and took a stack of over a hundred photos and created our “wedding album,” that we got from a friend when we got married, but I never got around to filling it up, I did that Saturday night, while hubby was away. The album has all kinds of photos of my hubby throughout his life, with family pictures and some of us from our wedding and honeymoon. Crafty christmas gifts always work, because there is honest thought behind the gift. I got all “for klempt” when he opened that gift.

I got him some really nice gifts for his kitchen, since he is the chef of the house. I can cook too, but he got some nice stuff. For me, I got 2 dvd’s. Hayao Miyazaki’s Spirited Away and Under the Tuscan Sun with Diane Lane. I LOVE those movies. And he got me Vincent Lam’s Giller Prize Winner – Bloodletting and Miraculous Cures, from this years Giller Prize Competition, here in Canada.

Hubby’s parents got me a beautiful Tommy Hilfiger Sweater and gift cards and we got a gift from Nana to spend, which is always nice. We had a nice Christmas morning. and the turkey is ready to go into the oven in a couple of hours. Woo Hoo…

We hope you all have a Merry Christmas Day…

We’ll see you after dinner this evening.

O Holy Night …


It is Christmas Eve and the house is prepared for my hubby’s return from Ottawa. I accomplished alot this weekend in preparation. (geez I still have to vacuum) The presents are all under the tree and my house is spic and span. I spent all night cleaning and scrubbing the house, setting out all of my fantastical decorations and setting out the Christmas candles and my table decorations.

This will be my last post for the holiday’s until after Christmas. I wish you all a peaceful and wonderful Christmas and we shall see you on the other side. May God bless your homes and families. Everything is ready, let’s get into Christmas. enjoy …

and in the words of Tiny Tim…

“And God Bless us Everyone…”

Harry Potter Prophecy…


`The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches… born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies … and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not … and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives … the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies …’


Both Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom are born days apart in the month of July, as stated in J.K. Rowlings notes on her (text) website. Of the two boys, Harry was the choice Voldemort made to go after. Which leaves Neville to study further. The two boys are mentioned early on in book 6 before chapter 10.

So, now I know that there are 2 possibilities. I have just started Chapter 10 in Book Six. I had to return to find the text of the prophecy from book 5 to go on with the reading. Without this information it was hard to continue, without REVIEWING

J.K. Rowlings site —–> over there has more clues, if you know where to look!!!!

Are you willing to take the time to comb through the notes?

Merry Ho Ho from Us…


It’s 1 a.m. and I am home alone with Blinky. My hubby’s not here and I am besides myself with what to do now! So here is “our” little Christmas picture with our hats, that of course, were drawn and colored by Blinky and Me. A little Paint Shop and a little Photo Shop and voila!!


Merry Ho Ho…

I can’t wait for hubby to come home. I think I will email a copy to Ottawa.


Merry Christmas


Holocaust denier rules out remorse

David Irving is NOT an Historian. He is below credible.  I feel So Sorry for you! If your memoirs are anything like your truth, they will be even less interesting. I don’t know if readers would trust that even your own stories would be true or credible.


LONDON – David Irving, the British author who was released on probation after spending 13 months in an Austrian prison for denying the Holocaust, said he felt no remorse for his views Thursday.

Irving spoke upon returning to England a day after Vienna’s highest court granted his appeal and converted two-thirds of his three-year sentence into probation.

At London’s Heathrow airport, Irving said he had been obliged to express regret during the court case but now had “no need any longer to show remorse.” He also called for a boycott of all Austrian and German historians until laws making Holocaust denial a crime in those countries are overturned.

Irving had been sentenced in February to three years under a 1992 law that applies to “whoever denies, grossly plays down, approves or tries to excuse” the Nazi genocide or other Nazi crimes against humanity in a print publication, broadcast or other media.

The author, who has been indefinitely banned from Austria, spent the night in a detention center, said Willfried Kovarnik, head of Vienna’s immigration police. Irving said he intended to appeal the decision to ban him from Austria.

During his one-day trial earlier this year, Irving pleaded guilty to the charge of denying the Holocaust but maintained he never questioned it in the first place.

The defense and the prosecution appealed the sentence. In September, Austria’s Supreme Court upheld Irving’s conviction.

Irving has been in custody since his November 2005 arrest on charges stemming from two speeches he gave in Austria in 1989 for which he was accused of denying the Nazis’ extermination of 6 million Jews. He has contended that most of those who died at concentration camps like Auschwitz succumbed to diseases such as typhus rather than execution.

Irving said he spent his time in prison writing his memoirs. He said he and his seriously ill wife lost their central London home during his imprisonment and he would return to temporary accommodation and begin rebuilding his life.


Like I said before he needs a house adjacent to the death camps so he can live the truth until he dies. So that we never forget – so that this never happens again…

From Boys to Men…


I got this book in the mail today. From the gift certificate win over at The Graffiti Pad test center and my noble friend from San Diego. You can buy the book at AMAZON. I will be writing my review over the weekend. You can go over to my  blog list and click on the Dog Poet’s Blog, page down and read the book entry.


My friend Raffy is home from his deployment in San Diego, and back in Miami with Ricky. We wish he and his hubby and family a Merry Christmas – sad, his 2 week vacation has been reduced to six days. Damn this war!! We wish all the troops and their families a Merry Christmas – “troops, plural” from Canada, the U.S. and worldwide. We are in this together no matter where we come from.


I had a conversation with an advisor – about my impending graduation and application for the MSW at McGill University. You know, I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, but I have an idea that it will be a job doing some kind of Social Work. I don’t have a 3.3 GPA and I need at least a 3.0 to end the term this Winter (Jan-May 07).

I can’t rush through 12 credits in one semester and even think of A’s or B’s across the board, so I am going to cut down to 6 credits (2 classes) for the Winter and worry about the rest over the next year. I need “great grades” to even compete for a place at McGill in the coming year. So I don’t graduate this Spring, I’m in no hurry. I’m tired of studying and graduation would only be a relief.

Jean told me that graduation should be a happy accomplishment not a chore and an end point, so that is my answer. I need to back off the rush, calm down and center my ass in for the long run – it’s not the short term goal I want, but long term success and more options. Rushing through 12 credits with lack luster grades won’t cut it, not in today’s academic world. And I have worked too fucking hard to fail in the last year of study.

Graduation will have to wait, and I have issues. I am no good to anyone sick or dead. Wow, I am quoting myself!!! he he he


Hubby leaves for Ottawa tomorrow afternoon. The weather forecast for the weekend SUCKS ASS, Man!! There is not a mention of flurries or snow through Monday!! Fuck all of us, it’s gonna be a green Christmas this year in Montreal. Let me tell you that hubby is not happy at all. At least we will be home for Christmas this year! Thank God for small miracle.

That’s that for now.


Title of Harry Potter 7 revealed

JK Rowling

JK Rowling has amassed a £540m fortune from writing

Author JK Rowling has revealed the title of the seventh and final Harry Potter book. It will be called Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The announcement was made on the writer’s official website.

Despite the publication date not being known, the book is tipped to be a big seller, like the rest in the series.

Speculation about the plot has surrounded the book after Rowling admitted two characters will die – some think it could be Harry Potter himself.

‘Elated and overwrought’

The title has certainly got some fans excited.

Harry, 13, from Leicestershire emailed BBC Newsround and said: “It sounds interesting, but a bit sinister.”

Book chain Waterstone’s children’s buyer, Sam Harrison, said the announcement had been greeted with “huge excitement” among Potter fans.

“This is a wonderfully intriguing and ominous title, with all the sense of magic and adventure that any true Potter fan has come to love and expect,” Harrison added.

I’m now writing scenes that have been planned, in some cases, for a dozen years or even more

JK Rowling

The last book, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, broke UK records by shifting just over two million copies on its first day of release.

Sales of all Harry Potter titles now total more than 52 million worldwide.

This week Rowling revealed how she has gone back to writing in cafes – as she did 13 years ago when starting to write about the boy wizard.

She has also admitted how she has been dreaming of the character.

Writing on her website she described it as an “epic dream” where she was Harry and the narrator simultaneously.


In a recent web posting, she said she has been working hard on the last book.

“I’m now writing scenes that have been planned, in some cases, for a dozen years or even more,” she said.

She also described feeling “alternately elated and overwrought” at writing it and joked she cannot decide if she wants to finish it or not.

The first four novels in the series have been turned into films, while the fifth, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, is currently in production and is due for release in July 2007.

Helena Bonham Carter joins the cast as the evil Bellatrix Lestrange and Imelda Staunton will play the part of dark arts teacher Dolores Umbridge.

Holocaust denier to be released

This past semester I read a text by Richard J. Evans called: “Lying about Hitler.” David Irving is an animal and inhumane.


and he wants to start an academic boycott? What kind of shit is that? He has some gaul, doesn’t he. Maybe he should be kept in Austria, better yet, let him live in a city adjacent to a death camp for the rest of his life. To remind him, until he dies, the lies and disrespect he brought to over 6 million Jews and those who survived the Holocaust and the generations that lived with his kind of insanity being spewed.

David Irving is NO Historian.


I don’t think he had any “spiritual experience” that would classify him as an elightened soul about the Holocaust. It’s not like I’d believe anything he said today in any case. Read the book “Lying about Hitler” and judge Irving yourself.


This case was one of my final exam questions for my Holocaust History Class.

But here is the BBC report for you all to read. If you go back into my archives you will find my essays on the subject of David Irving, from reading Evans’ text.




David Irving in court on 20 December 2006

David Irving says he has changed his views on the Holocaust

An Austrian appeals court has ruled that UK historian David Irving – jailed for denying the Holocaust – should be released on probation. Irving is now being held in police detention and will be deported to the UK on Thursday, officials said.

Irving was convicted in February in a case that sparked international debate about the limits of freedom of speech.

In 1989 he spoke in Austria denying the existence of gas chambers at Auschwitz, though he later said he was “mistaken”.

The appeals court in Vienna had heard calls for both a reduction and increase in his sentence.

Irving on Wednesday welcomed his release and said he was “fit and well”.

The 68-year-old said he would urge an academic boycott of historians from Germany and Austria until the nations stopped jailing historians.

“I was put in prison for three years for expressing an opinion 17 years ago,” he said.

Intense debate

The BBC’s Kerry Skyring in Vienna said the presiding judge converted the remaining two years of Irving’s jail term to a provisional sentence, upholding his appeal.

Irving’s reputation as a credible historian is shot

Karen Pollock
Holocaust Educational Trust

Reactions to Irving release

Speaking after the ruling, his lawyer, Herbert Schaller, said: “He is free, and he can leave, and he will leave.”

The historian is now waiting for the necessary paperwork to be completed before he can leave a police detention facility in Vienna for the UK, officials said.

Irving’s partner, Bente Hogh, told the Associated Press news agency: “He sounded like he was in good form. He’s obviously very pleased to be free.”

Both the prosecution and defence had challenged the length of the sentence. The crime carries a prison term of up to 10 years.





Czech Republic









Timeline: David Irving

Denying the Holocaust

The 1992 law targets “whoever denies, grossly plays down, approves or tries to excuse the National Socialist genocide”.

Irving’s release on probation has dismayed Jewish groups.

Lord Janner, vice-president of the World Jewish Congress and president of the Commonwealth Jewish Council, said: “I am sorry that he did not serve out his full term, and I hope he will remain in Austria and not return to the United Kingdom, where he will not be welcome.”

Asked about Irving’s comments about historians being put in prison, Lord Janner said: “I do not believe that he was put in prison because he was a historian. And historians should be treated in the same way as anyone else.”

Irving was arrested in November last year on a motorway in southern Austria. He was visiting to give a lecture to a far-right student fraternity.

The conviction had sparked intense debate, with supporters saying it was fully justified but opponents arguing it undermined the right of freedom of speech.

At the initial trial, Irving had said it was “ridiculous” he was being tried for expressing an opinion and that he had changed his views on the Holocaust.

On the Collaboration of Men and Women

 Work may not be reproduced or linked without writers permission. Scholarly paper written for religion class, University of Concordia, Montreal. All rights reserved.


History of Church

The 21st Century has brought with it the task of re-thinking ideas and constructs of personal interaction between men and women. I enjoyed reading this document, and I found it to be hopeful and encouraging. Yet, in that encouragement, I fail to see just how the church as an institution will ever be ready to make sweeping changes to its “set in stone” ways of thinking. The church as a whole has spent the last 2000 years in a patriarchal rut, that I am not sure if change is possible. In my lifetime I have seen the way the church viewed and treated women and I have witnessed the ways they are now treated by the institutional church.

If history is a guide, then we as “community” are in trouble. The sin of Eve is something that women have been punished for centuries. The fact that historical documentation has seen women called the “greatest of all evils.” Church fathers could not bring themselves to see past their own sexual hang-ups about those very same women.

And now you tell us that it is time to bring women “into the fold” of the Christian experience and you tell us that change is necessary. I wonder if you really understand the depth of that request and the responsibility that you are taking on. History never admitted women into the hierarchy of the church this document neither gives them admission nor does it state how and where you would include them in the church.

If we are taught that the church, for centuries, has downplayed the role of women in Christianity that leads me to question the authenticity and motive of the church as an authority to write about the collaboration of women and men.


In looking at this document I see that the church as a whole has started to see women in new light, which is hopeful. After what the church fathers have written in the past, I see some upward movement, but I do not see any hint of apology for the way the church has treated and written about women. Extending an olive branch to the women is one thing, sweeping under the carpet centuries of abuse, as if it never happened, makes me leery of what you are really saying to us.

In so many words, you are telling us that the “church” needs to move towards a more collaborative relationship with women and their involvement in our lives, if history is a guide, then collaboration will never occur. A leopard cannot change his spots. I don’t know if the men of the church would be so willing to begin a dialogue about collaboration inside the hallowed walls of the church.

A good portion of this document is spent reiterating biblical scripture, and the placement of women. I don’t understand why this was necessary, are you trying to make a point to reinforce the already hard line that the church still carries? I think this was a waste of time. You could have spent that energy telling me how the church is going to change that historical perspective on women in our lives, in biblical writing and within the church institution.

There is nothing in that writing that we don’t already know as a people. Nowhere does this document tell me that women would be a part of “the church” rather it tells me where they should be. We know what roles women play in our lives. We know what they are capable of, and we know what the church says about the power that women have as sexual beings and as women of faith.

Consistency – Theology

If the church is one thing, that one thing is consistent. For centuries there has been no documented feminine writing included in the canon of the church. The church has done a good job, keeping the feminine voice from speaking “for” the church. We read in history time and time again, just where the church stands on certain issues. She (mother church) has a very resounding voice and has spoken with that voice very certainly and clearly.

You speak of elevating women into a “new understanding.” You speak of women as if they have attained human status, worthy of praise and spiritual significance. What is it about women that have changed your view of them? Once again, no apology exists to make good on your words. Where is the forward action?

The actions and words of the church over centuries against women, I think, will drive your readers, as well myself, to critically tear apart this document and ask you what your motives for writing it really are. The church always has motive. There is always something that lies just beneath the surface of a genuinely well worded document. What is the payoff for the church and what kind of sacrifice will come from us, your people?

I am motivated to look very closely at this writing and ask some very hard questions,

Many of my questions find no answers in this writing. And that disturbs me.

Social and Religious Roles

The church, as an institution has for centuries written the letter of the law when it comes to women. In what they can do with their lives, what they can do with their bodies, and what they are supposed to do to propagate the numbers of church faithful. The church has conveniently given strict “placement” for women and the church has even gone so far as to punish women who do not follow the letter of the law. Is that not something that needs to be addressed when talking about the proper social and religious roles of women in this the “church of the 21st Century?”

Do you not have anything to say to those women that have been degraded and punished by the men of faith? The church has always kept women in supporting roles in life. Their bodies, minds and spirits have been kept in line by hard line Christian teachings. Only in the last century has discussion of the role of women in the church been even thought about.

The writing is a great piece of reading material. It paints a very nice picture, if only I could believe. I would ask you what kind of message you are attempting to send.

Socially women have made great strides in society; they have become forces of nature that must be paid attention to. The church has yet to admit them into her ranks. It is a breath of fresh air that the church now quantifies the contributions that women make to the world as mothers, workers and church faithful.

t is about time that the church gave them more than what they have received in years past, but again, no apology. In reading the lives of biblical and holy women they were strong, obedient and faith filled. Something the church had failed to see until now. Women held together the fabric of faith and religion. I wonder why you did not admit this fact when writing about the “mystical view” of women today. For centuries these women spoke to the church, but nobody was or has been listening. And I ask you, Are you ready to listen now?

Will you give them the place that is due them in holy mother church? Is there room for the mystical woman?

Within the church’s history women were rich, and supportive. They were teachers and benefactors. They led communities in the practice and propagation of Christianity, yet you have failed to give them the place that is due them in church history. Would that change in the future? Would the voice of those women who suffered and died for the faith become more than legends and underrated persons of faith?

Many church fathers loved women and hated them in the same breath. Many of those men were haunted by lust and sex, many church doctors and fathers could not find a place for the love of a woman. Has that view changed over the centuries? Can you make peace with your own sexual misconduct and lustful hearts to rightfully give women a chance to prove their worth within this church?

The church, as an institution is very narrow in its view and much closed to the idea of change. YET, this document begs us to believe that the church is ready to open a dialogue about sexuality and femininity. If that is true, then I am hopeful. I just don’t believe that the church would ever come to the table with any negotiating on these issues of equality, sexuality and femininity.

The “old ideas” of the church will die when the last man of faith takes his last breath.

Only then, I fear, will this new understanding of women come to pass.

We watch the church state its positions on sex, sexuality and women, over the centuries. And now we read that the church is saying that all those ideas have to change in opt for a new “vision.”

Writing about a new vision, and actively “working” with new vision will necessitate work on your parts as “men of faith” collaborating with the women of today’s church. I fail to believe this will ever be possible. I know for a fact that the Holy Father can write until he is blue in the face, and I know that priests all over the world will never adhere to new church doctrine or practice.

Because many of those men still see women in the dark light that the church has cast upon them. They cannot see past church doctrine. The feminine has no place in a “Patriarchal/Male” church. The church, in my opinion has a lot of explaining to do to the women of the past and those in the present.

Mystical – Spiritual Women

This Holy Father has elevated more people to venerable and sainted status than all the past popes combined, many of them are women. Is there a message there? Yes, they are dead, so they cannot impact the church directly but we can adore and pray to them for help. Dead women are not as powerful as living women.

Admitting a living woman to some kind of adored status will never come to pass.

Women, in my studies and in my life, I have come to realize, have that mystical relationship with God. And now finally, the church is ready to recognize this “mystical” identity when “reflecting on the respective roles of men and women in the church.” I think that mystical relationship sets women and men apart.

I believe if feminine mysticism was adopted into the male relationship with God, the face of Christianity as a whole would be changed forever. Men pray to God, women talk to God. There IS a difference. What if God were a woman? I think “she” would have a lot to say to the men of the church starting from the top down.

God may now talk to everyone, but women will never preach the words of God in a “priestly” fashion. We will never see female priests in my lifetime. I know this.

This document could be a positive step for women in the church, in principle. It equalizes the playing field, so to speak. It brings them up from supporting roles to active participants in the lives of many. It does not tell us that they will have participating roles within the church. Words are cheap and useless unless there is positive action behind them. Am I led to believe that the church is ready to take positive action? You cannot ask me to believe for one second that the church is ready to do this.

My faith life is has been positively changed with the knowledge that women are having mystical contact with God, they bring me that mystical voice that men don’t. They approach God honestly with no motive in their hearts. That desire for God is simple and loving. That is the God of my own understanding. I do believe that mystical communication with God is something I whole heartedly believe is happening. For centuries we know that the “institution” has quieted mystical women now why would I even believe that the church is ready to accept them?

We know what the church says about the role of women in the church. Does this document tell me how they will now be incorporated? Will we see feminine thought being worked into church teachings? I don’t think so. The church is not prepared to admit women to positions within the church where they can openly preach that God has spoken to them and that that word is divinely inspired and should be listened to. Will we ever see a woman speak for the church?

The Church tells us that things need to change. Now, how can an institution write about and call for change when we know that that change will never come to pass within its hallowed walls? Mother Church is still stuck in the dark ages when it comes to certain issues. The patriarchal church still has miles to travel before change will ever be possible. I do not; for one moment believe that the church is ready to change policy on issues of sex and sexuality. This document begs us to ponder the thought that these issues are being discussed at the highest levels of religious authority.

The church’s staunch “heterosexist” vision is the only vision. Acceptance and inclusion are two actions that the church will never come to.

Mary – The Mother of Christ

The men of the church are always talking and I hear them speaking, but their actions do not match up. In a male dominated church institution, the voice of women has not been heard for centuries, except for Mary the mother of Christ. I do believe for myself, that if the church fathers listened to Mary, really listened to her, then women would already be a part of the institution of holy mother church. Mary is where she is for a reason. She speaks from a divine location; her role in church teaching is safe and sound. Mary is the safest woman to talk about because she exists on a spiritual plane. Not a physically challenging position. The Holy Father has a relationship with Mary, he asks us to entertain Marian prayer and Marian ways of life, yet he will not admit women to the ranks of priest, bishop or cardinal. What kind of message does this send the Christian woman? Do as I say not as I do!

The only woman who will ever have definitive access to the church is Mary; she has the keys to the back door of the church. I find it peculiar that if you want to get to God with “pin point” accuracy, then Mary is your advocate. Not a man or a priest, but a woman.

Mary has been speaking to the world, not alone the Catholic Church for centuries. I wonder why none of those Marian teachings are part of Church canon. She is the ultimate woman of faith. She bore the child we follow today. She speaks to us divinely and she does it from a feminine perspective. That she is mother and advocate, places her in a place that many women could never attain. That is why Mary is the safest woman the church could have in its organization.

There are Christian women speaking to us, yet they do not influence church teachings enough to make a difference. I do not expect the church to be ready to take that step unless certain hierarchy changes occur.

I read this document and I ask myself, is this logical and possible? This document is bold, and bright and full of hope. Alas, you failed to admit where the church had come from, what changed and why you are taking this position with women now. I find it hard to believe or conceive that the church is anywhere prepared to make sweeping changes to its policies and practices where it comes to women. The division between a “lead role” and a “supporting role” will never change however sweetly the words are written.

I think that this letter was a great attempt to raise the issue of women and femininity to the community of the faithful, but, how many women will really see and read this document? After years of abuse, do you really think that the church would give women this much power in their church?

Apologetics is something church fathers don’t do well. I find it hard to believe that the church could put out a document of this calibre and not expect us to question its tone and motive. The church fathers may be heading in this direction of re-thinking the female aspect of god and her church. I do believe that this is as far as it will get. These words are encouraging, but until we see some forward action to match the forward thinking in the church’s stance on the collaboration of women and men in the highest ranks of the church, then all these words are pointless in their issue.

Women in the Church

Behind every good priest stand at least ten women. The sacristies of the world’s churches are populated with women who do everything but wipe their asses. Should that matter? Yes, definitely! But until the doors of mother church are opened to women, we can write about them for another hundred years. For all the good the church does in today’s ministries there is much ground to make up after centuries of abuse heaped upon the women of the church. I do not believe that feminist thought or writings will find their way to the front pages of Catholic dogma or teaching.

I find the contributions that women in Christianity have made to my personal spiritual journey are just as important If not more meaningful than writings that some of the father’s and doctor’s of the church.

There were women involved in the ministry of Jesus when Jesus walked the earth. They followed him just as those men did. Mary the mother of Jesus, Martha and the most of the time misunderstood Mary Magdalene. Feminine women of Christ ARE important to the history of the church. The voices of those women who walked with Jesus 2000 years ago are necessary to understand the feminine perspective of the Jesus experience. The church needs to bring those voices to light. The church needs to validate their existence. In doing that, the church will begin to gain much needed ground in the propagation of the faith. Until then, writing about the collaboration of men and women is pointless.

It is easy to fall back upon scripture for the placement of people in the lives of others. The church must move beyond its narrow and ignorant vision. Women could bring a new openness to the church. I do not believe for one moment the church institution is ready to make a sweeping move like that. This document reads in a way that begs us to look at history and revisit the facts, and then we are invited to contemplate a new vision within the church.


It is just that, a vision.


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