Gratitude…
Last night after I finished my day and all that I had to do, I settled in to read an article on “Empathy” for class this evening. After a long day, the emotional weight of what happened yesterday hit me like a ton of bricks, as you have well read below on the blog.
I spoke to Trish this morning about what I had written and she wrote me a great email so she set me up for my day today. Louise called me as well to check on me. She was going to see Rev Canon Joyce, a little bit before my appointment with her at 3:30. I got myself showered and dressed to make my appointment at the Cathedral Place. It was good to sit down and talk and be listened to. I talked and talked. We are going to embark on a set schedule of spiritual direction over the coming weeks, as I need it so that I have someone to listen to me. Then she asked me what I did for joy? I had no answer for her. She asked me after all I did every day working with people and listening, what did I do for myself? I had no answer for her.
I live by the seat of my pants, usually. I like it, living in the moment, letting what will be come as it will. I know that everything begins and ends with prayer. I KNOW that. Sometimes I want a different answer. I go to school, that is for me. I work with my kids and that is fulfilling. I have my day of recovery and my friends. And that brings me comfort. It is something I do every week, like ritual. It is part of my existence. I write on this blog. I give back to my community here and in this city. I guess that brings me joy.
I live very simply. My marriage rocks. I like my life. I do all this work, and we got a good laugh out of this, I told Joyce that I live by this motto “Find Your Passion – DO IT – Money will follow.” Well, I am still waiting for the money to start following.
After my appointment I set off for Loyola for my evening class, which was great. All of my friends are great people. We had great conversation tonight. One of my classmates, John, is visually impaired and I heard tonight that his eye surgery was bumped up to today, which means he will be out for two to three weeks, so all of you can say a prayer for John and his family.
I also read today that ADAM, has hit a pothole in his recovery from cancer treatment. Go and read his moms latest entry and keep him in your prayers.
It was a good day. Today’s entry is brought to you by the letter “A”!!! I would like to thank all of you who called, emailed and prayed for me today. I am blessed and so are you. Especially Trish and Louise…
That’s all for tonight…
I need a drink…
It’s 4 a.m. I am angry, resentful, and I am spinning in my insanity. I need a drink!!!
I am upset really, and this is all hitting me as I am reading an article for tomorrow’s class called “Learning how to listen empathically!” FUCK ME !!! I am in a really bad spot. I am not taking the news I got yesterday very well at the moment. Because I am fucking powerless to change what is happening. I am feeling way too much at the moment and I don’t like it.
I get like this, and when I say that statement, “I need a drink” I imagine Roy on the other end of the phone telling me that “ok, I’ll go have one with you.” He is more sober than I am right now…And he lives 3000 miles away so seeing him is impossible. It’s the thought that counts…
You don’t have to like everyone in the program. What a novel concept. I really dislike some people who profess to be recovered and come to my meeting and pontificate. I just want to throw up…
I know I need to pray this night out…
Edit: So I go out on my balcony to pray and the sky is lit up bright with moon light. Now I know why I am PMS’ing so badly. It’s a freaking FULL MOON… I should have known…
