Sunday Sundries … Dis-Ease Edition …
It has been a good few days. We are sitting at (-4c/-11c w.c.) and light snow has been falling all day today. I am on coffee this month which means I leave here around twenty to 5 for a 5pm arrival because one of my friends comes to help set up, which gives us time to talk together before everyone else arrives.
Today we continued reading from Chapter 5 – and How it Works, and today’s reading spoke to steps three and four. As we read from the book, a certain passage jumped off the page once again, because I heard it spoken at a meeting on Thursday night.
… Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom…
Feeling a bit peckish, I just ran to the store to get something to munch on before dinner. And as I got into the elevator and arrived on the first floor, someone is burning incense and I was immediately transported into a “puja” ceremony.
Years ago, I was involved in a group who practiced Eastern Religions and puja was something we did quite often. I guess it was a good reminder because of where I am in my head at the moment.
Since hearing the message on Thursday night, I have been dis-eased, to say the least. And I mentioned these feelings to another old timer who has just joined our Tuesday group. He has a chunk of time and he is chair on Thursday night so he has been picking speakers that have upturned the apple cart of life.
Last year I joined a group to do my steps, in 17 weeks. I was not in a place to live and let live. I was judgmental and soon there after, it so coincided with my speaking on my 10th anniversary some time ago. I ended up leaving the step group because of perceived Egos and Attitudes. As a gay man I have little patience for certain straight men in the program.
By the By I finished my steps with my sponsor. I wrote out my fourth and spoke my fifth with my sponsor on a Sunday night and in hindsight, right now, there was no light of God experience, no earth shattering release or catharsis.
I was talking to this old timer tonight, and I told him that life has been very mundane. There are no earth shattering circumstances going on in my life, no major upheavals. Things are just good. So to speak.
I have dropped my anchor in a safe harbor and I have been living my life quietly, not making waves and certainly not shaking it up. Tuesday has a good group of members – three quarters of them are women. Young women. There are only six men as group members. We’ve never had solid male newcomers come and stay for any period of time. So working with others seems lacking.
I get my meeting, I do my service and that is all and good. I share when it comes around the table. Yet, I have repeatedly said that the women really get into the steps and they do it very differently than the men have done it. It’s been too long since I have been amongst men who are really “doing it.”
I have my issues. I have some perceptions that may not be healthy. I see some people in meetings, and I roll my eyes, my patience for certain people in this city is less than hospitable. As long as they don’t invade my space, I am good. But when we do cross paths, the bile in my stomach burns from the inside.
What do you do, and where do you go to get good solid honest male fellowship when your home group is a bunch of girls? For the last two years I have been living a female program in a men’s body. One of our women has suggested we have a group conscience because of all our new members, many of which have less than a years sobriety. Some of our women have solid time. But that doesn’t solve the conundrum.
I’ve been sitting in my little haven. Calmly doing the same thing week in and week out. I hit the same meetings week in and week out. And everything is status-quo.
Now where does that leave me? I’m not sure. But I know that I am a bit shaken up and things are a bit off kilter. I heard some good things tonight from other folks around the circle. The guys are seeking to get better, each in their own ways.
The apple cart has been turned upside down for my sponsor for the last few months and he is mulling over a career change, and he wants to rotate off of treasurer position, and change it up, and do something new. But where he is going, is in the long term and totally speculative at this point, I don’t know where that leaves me in the long run, but I wonder if finding someone new to shed light on sobriety with some serious time and new focus, wouldn’t do me some good?
Shake up is good. Finding answers is the point isn’t it? When life gets boring and mundane, maybe it’s time to shake up the apple cart.
That is where I am at the moment.
Stay tuned. More to come.