Sunday Sundries … Inventory Review Edition …
The weekend is almost over. And I wasn’t pleased to loose an hour last night, because when I finally went to bed, it was almost 4 a.m. DST I read for a bit and finally turned in around 4:30.
Today was a good day. Lots of things completed. On the way out I made an appointment to get my hair cut tomorrow afternoon. I noticed that the mall is changing shape once again. The work walls are all finely decorated with brand new signage for stores moving and shifting around on the ground floor. It all looks very exciting.
Tim Horton’s is getting a bigger footprint outside the tunnel proper and Laura Secord and the florist are moving to new digs as well, and the vacant shop on the mezzanine has new signage as well. The ceiling on the ground floor is all taken apart, they must be stringing new lighting and wires for the new stores.
I met one of our members at the church to get the key for the door, since I turned in my keys last week. We sat a fair number of folks tonight. We continued our reading of Chapter 5 – How it Works, we completed the chapter focusing on Step 4 and the rigorous honesty of our inventories.
But how many of us are that rigorously honest the first time around? It is not a perfect exercise – but we do our best with what is going on in our lives at the time we work our steps.
My last recent 4th and 5th took place last fall, and as I was listening to folks share tonight, I thought about my list – because it exists in my mind and to my own detriment I wax nostalgic at times, and I tend to nurse old resentments and lament the past and often I yearn for some payback.
Today I know I have to let go of the past. I am powerless over people, places and things, and how people treated me in the past is on them and not me. I was wronged for the wrong reasons, because people could not be man or woman enough to deal with possible tragedy in a civil way.
This quote I have highlighted in my book:
“The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men [and women] of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear.” pg. 68
When I got sober this last time around, all the people I was resentful at were long gone from my life. I lived alone, doing my own thing, I thought I managed well with what I had and what I did not. I don’t think I drank resentfully, or because of anyone in particular.
I drank, in the end, because I feared growing older. That period from my mid twenties and into my early thirties was rough. I wanted so much to hang on to my youth, but that was to my detriment. When I got sober I accepted that hanging on was not suggested. It was time to grow up.
Attached to the fear of growing older was my insane obsession with fitting into a community that didn’t even know that I existed, yet that obsession lasted until I took my last drink. I don’t think anybody missed me.
And I’ve said before, had I dropped off the face of the earth, nobody would have missed me. I made an executive decision in sobriety which served me well in coming here sober. A fresh slate, new people, a new city, no drinking history to speak of. It was the best decision I ever made.
Our lives today as a couple is very simple. We don’t have a big circle of friends on either side of our marriage, his or mine. I know a great many people in the rooms, but I try not to put anything on anyone.
The decisions I made this past week were totally about me, and not resentful about anyone in particular, but suffice to say that the estrogen wave that was coming for me was getting a little close and instead of fighting the tide, I took my surfboard and exited the ocean alone.
Steps are guides to progress, we claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Do them, to the best of your ability. Don’t fear them, but embrace them. Life will get better. I promise. And so do the promises.
That is all for now.
More to come, stay tuned …