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In Need of Counsel …

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I am in need of counsel. I am troubled and afraid. You know that I am HIV+ for almost 20 years now. And I’ve been seeing a specialist here in Montreal at the MUHC, McGill University Health Center. Which is in the process of firing hundreds of employees because of budget cuts. I don’t think this is here or there but it is part of my story.
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My doc (Chris) has been my doc since 2003. And for the past few months he has been dire in his warnings. They say if you get a message once, and you don’t heed that message, that God speaks again, and you should take heed. A few months ago, I went to see my doc for my fall checkup, (I go every 4 months). He told me that I was going to die. And he left it at that. He did not give me counsel or explain. And left me to go home with this news.
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That afternoon I went upstairs to see his brother, (George) who is my diabetes doctor and I told him what Chris has said to me. He rushed me up to cardio to get a cardiogram. Done. I took the results to both clinics and went home. We are of the understanding that if there is a problem, that they would call. No call came.
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That test sat in my file for four months. No word. No call. so I guess no problem ???
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On Wednesday I went for my spring check up and my blood work, and all my labs across the board. All my labs are above board. Not one thing out of place. The norm for me. Once again, my doctor came in looked me dead in the eye and said that I was going to die. He also said that there was an abnormality on the cardio test, which he failed to contact me when the test was done. That was clearly an error on his part.
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No explanation. no words of comfort. Not One Word.
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He said that he would call Cardio and get me booked in and call me on Wednesday afternoon. Because he is sure that it is imminent that I am going to drop dead without notice. But he did not say that to me. But I imply that is what he means. They did not book me. They did not call, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday.
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I’ve been sitting on this secret for almost a week, Because I cannot contact the clinic till tuesday because of the holiday tomorrow. And I haven’t told my husband what my doctor told me because I don’t want to scare him or upset him, until I know what the hell is going on.
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How do you go about firing a doctor? Everybody I am talking to in my meetings say the same thing, that I need a new pair of eyes on my file. and that I need a second opinion because my doc has been on an emotional down for a while, he is moody and obsess about nothing.
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I just can’t see how I have fucked up my life right now to hear that I am going to die and soon? All I have done this past year is tighten up the ship, eat right, take my pills and go on with my life.
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I am stuck in between disbelief and incredulity. If I sink into the truth and accept the end is near, I will go crazy without someone to explain how this is coming to be because my doctor has failed to properly inform me as a patient.
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So I’ve been working on the assumption that he is full of shit and that my numbers are good and nominal and that he is just fucking with me in the worst way. I am not ready to die or accept that he is telling me the truth without further discussion about my mortality or why he is so hung up on  me dying !
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I don’t know what to do …
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So that’s my story right now. I could use some help.
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Thanks
Jeremy
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One response

  1. Frank

    Jeremy, just want to encourage you. I think those who are telling you to get a second opinion are correct. Perhaps its time to find another doctor all together. I am not sure how your health system works but I urge you to take charge of your health. Look into finding another doctor, perhaps through another clinic or hospital. For any healthcare provider to tell you something like that with no follow up is wrong! to say there is something amiss with any body part with no follow up is wrong! As to your dying? Each one of us has that appointed time, nothing we can do about it. However, no human can say your going to die by x time. Only God knows that and it will not happen until you have fulfilled your time, and destiny on this earth. So keep taking your meds, living healthy, doing your life’s work, and get another opinion.
    Frank

    May 20, 2013 at 10:47 am

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