About this slip business
It’s Friday night. And it has been tedious. Things are tight and I had to take matters into my own hands this evening hoping that I could cover all my bases. And at the end of the night on the way home, I had three thoughts in my head. One, my hubby, Two, the Sunday meeting, and Three, myself. It all got done. A little God’s Grace in action.
We left a little earlier because we had business to attend to on the way out and we got all the way to Berri in quick time, but landed with a six minute wait for the Orange line. We arrived at Laurier and took the bus up to our stop and still managed to get there pretty early.
We sat a full compliment tonight. Since the meeting was moved to the new room we can accommodate more folks around the circle. The topic: Quantity or Quality.
“About this slip business – I would not be too discouraged. I think you are suffering a great deal from needless guilt. For some reason or other, the Lord has laid out tougher paths for some of us, and I guess you are treading one of them. God is not asking us to be successful. He is only asking us to TRY to be… ” A.B.S.I. pg. 11
Lots of shares around the room. Many different takes on the read. Lots of people suffering with their own issues. I knew what I wanted to say, it just happened that I could not get a moment to jump in, which means usually, that God wants me to listen, instead of talking all the time.
I am concerned … There is a particular young man in the rooms, who seems to be stuck in the revolving door – but he keeps coming back. My fear is that at some point he may drink again, and NOT come back.
Which leads me to my story for tonight.
In my first sobriety, I was doing meetings, in fact lots of them. On mainland Miami, Miami Beach, and on the Isles. I was getting around. And one constant occurrence was a young man who was collecting beginners chips. So many in fact that he probably could paper his bathroom with all the chips he had taken over a years time. He just could not get it, and it drove me crazy. I wanted to say something, to shake him and at one point throttle him to “wake the fuck up!”
I could not (in hindsight now) understand why he kept drinking. The fact was, he kept coming back. I know why I kept drinking now, because I just had to. I thought I needed it. in any case, God had a plan.
I spoke about drifting from the program after a few years, and pulled a geographic. When my sober friends realized what I was doing, it was too late. The moving truck was there and I was emptying my apartment into it. However they tried to talk me back out of the move, I was determined to fill the void in my soul.
However, I did not know that filling the void would require my sobriety in return.
And it is only in hindsight that I can say this, I could not understand why this guy was stuck in the revolving door, and why he could not get it. I went out and drank and drugged, and had to come back.
In the end I felt guilt, remorse and shame coming back the second time. Thankfully I was getting sober on South Beach and NOT in the city, where my sober friends were living and going to meetings. But people travel back and forth, and they knew that I was back, fighting my way back one day at a time. I got a couple weeks under my belt, and someone carried me to Poinciana on Christmas Eve for a meeting on the mainland by the airport.
The place was candle lit and it was packed. All of my sober friends were there to welcome me – however they were leery and kept their distance.
I was, at least sober.
Now I have a slip event in my story. I get it now. I know what it feels like to go out, to find yourself stuck, and how hard it is to admit defeat and return to the rooms. Lesson learned.
I feel sorrow for my fellows who are stuck. It gives me an opportunity to talk to them in the coming days about their lives and what they are doing with them.
It was a pleasant night to travel. A good night was had by all.
More to come, stay tuned …