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Never Again

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Courtesy: RThompson80

It has been a full day in the neighborhood. After dinner last night we both went a little manic and hubby took on the bathroom and I took on the kitchen and we scrubbed them both from top to bottom, because building employees always observe the living space whenever you invite them in.

This morning I was up as hubby left for work, and I finished prepped for the arrival of our repairman. Which meant clearing out the hanging clothes in the closet and vacuuming the floor because it was quite messy. If you stick anything into the closet it usually doesn’t see the light of day again. Aside from the clothes we wear on any given day.

And while he was working on the tap, I was upstairs doing a load of laundry, which means we are up on the game for this week. YAY !!!

It took about two hours to rework the pipes and tubing and to install the new tap, after that I had to reset the closet and re pack the kitchen sink cabinet and clean up where everything was piled up in the living room.

I had some time to myself and then decided on a nap about 2 until I needed to get up and shower and shave to go out this evening. And that usually takes 20 minutes – so I slept until 6.

It was an easy trip out and back. And lately the theme of travel has been six minutes. Whenever we hit a transfer, the time on the train has been six minutes in either direction.

We sat a fair number, but a few faces were missing from the usual crowd. I called my pigeon to see if he would come on the way out, but he didn’t return my call.

We continue our reading of As Bill Sees It and the page “Never Again.”

“Personally, I take the attitude that I intend never to drink again. This is somewhat different from saying ‘I will never drink again.’ The latter attitude sometimes gets people in trouble because it is undertaking on a personal basis to do what we alcoholics never could do. It is too much an act of will and leaves too little room for the idea that God will release us from the drink obsession provided we follow the A.A. program.”

For many at the meeting, never is a word we stay away from, and the concept of never is also avoided. Forecasting too far into the future brings with it its own challenge. Working with 24 hours or staying in ones day is preferable.

I had two attempts at learning how to stay in my day. Both lessons at separate times, had their challenges, one far greater than the other.

Dealing with never drinking again on the first go, had the added pressure that I was “going to die” imminently. I was given my date and all I could do was focus on the date to the point that I drove my sponsor and care givers crazy, marking calendars in my kitchen, marking every day that I was on my way to my death.

I wasn’t drinking, one day at a time. And I was living, one day at a time. I could not see past the day I was in, until I lived into the next day. And days turned into weeks, and if I lived weeks, I managed a month. And if I managed a month, I could see into the next month. Moving from day to day to month to month.

And I finally arrived at my death date, and I was stymied. Because I was still alive. And I didn’t know what to do at that point. It was a good thing I had somewhere to go and something to do on a daily basis. Structure that was a blessing because I could live outside my head for as many hours as I was working at the bar.

But when that came to an end and I had to reenter the world, and my safety net disappeared, I was left to my own head and my own devices. And that didn’t go very well, and I went out.

Living on emotions is not recommended for people in early sobriety, and that includes people from 1 day to at least 5 years of sobriety. Because at 5 years is when you hear the POP and that is your head coming out of your ass.

The geographic INTO the drink and drugs was a mistake. A total REGRET !!!

But the geographic OUT and the distance put between me and the drugs meant that I now NEVER had to do drugs again. And that stuck and I never used again.

Moving from a daily drunk to a binge drunk meant I drank only one night a week, and that was on a Saturday night at the club. When I took my last drink, I met a boy who did not drink on a daily basis. Who took me to my first meeting.

The club I drank at finally closed its doors. I like to think that the last alcoholic left the building so they had to close, because I was no longer there. However I had to walk by that building every day to get to my meetings.

Another geographic HERE and after a few months of sobriety again, I never had to drink again. I came here sober and to date I have never had a drink, the caveat is “One Day At A Time.”

The story goes that I got a little arrogant and decided to live in expectations and they told me to stay in my day and keep coming back. The second time, it took me considerably longer to learn how to do that, eighteen months …

I had one day that I craved a drink. In my first year of sobriety. On Jean Baptiste Day, I was at the Old Port and really wanted a beer, not my usual poison. Because I loathed beer, but I wanted one. Needless to say I got my ass home and bypassed the drink. Thankfully …

I’ve learned in as many years that I cannot live too far into the future. It messes with my head, it creates expectations that I know are pointless. And I get angry and resentful. All those lessons came again, in the last year of sobriety.

One day at a time works. If you work it.

It doesn’t come overnight. You learn and earn along the way.

I live on borrowed time these days, always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and the way around this fear is to meditate every time I visit my medicine cabinet and pour out my pills. It takes a lot of personal energy to positively charge medication to make it work better. I’ve learned how to re-point negative energy into positive energy. That was a great lesson. And the energy is quite potent.

Almost time for dinner.

More to come, stay tuned …

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