He hit bottom and kept digging …
Courtesy: Alexander
What would Friday the 13th be without insanity and mayhem …
It was a glorious day, with lots of sun and it was breezy. Lots of things going on this weekend preparing for the next round of assignments due next week. It was a quiet day today. Hubby was up early to take care of things on his side. Last night I did a bought of house cleaning. Our bottle returns had piled up into three carry bags full that had to go back to the store (soda bottles – not beer ).
Hubby’s collection of tin cans had piled up and they needed to go to the recycle bin in the basement. I vacuumed and took out all the trash.
Today was laundry and school work for hubby. I went to bed later than I wanted to last night and paid for it today because I slept longer than I usually do, and that isn’t always a bad thing. I was up and ready to go early today.
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Lizzy was all bright and bushy tailed tonight as we went to do set up and make coffee. She is bouncing back, albeit slowly, one day at a time.
Friday the 13th would not be complete without something going wrong …
The chair had asked a speaker to come and speak tonight and two hours after he made the commitment, called to cancel. Which meant he had no speaker for tonight, which also meant that he had to farm from the guests coming in the door for the meeting tonight. But he got lucky, he asked a fellow to speak and he said yes, whenever you are asked to do something you say yes and do it gladly.
Grasshopper got the car and showed up at the meeting tonight, it was good to see him. I haven’t seen him in a few days but we talk on the phone every day. He brought me gifts today which was a nice surprise.
The crowd was a little light tonight. We set out 60 chairs usually, in 5 rows of 6 chairs each with an aisle in the middle … Most of the people sat on the left side of the room, which left the right side with a lot of empty chairs.
The meeting started and they did not use the mic, and I was like, for god’s sake turn the damn mic on. The readings got all screwed up, usually we read from “How it works” with the steps read in the middle by a second person.
Tonight we started with the steps in the middle and How it Works at the end …
It all came out in the wash…
The speaker got up there and said, ” You all know about the misery of alcoholism, so I am not going to talk about the misery … A sigh of relief …
And where did he go? Well, he started at the beginning and talked about the misery of alcoholism. For almost an hour. Every speaker is different, but the stories are always the same.
- I just couldn’t have one
- I had to drink every day
- I drank because I became someone different
- It was all about me
- I took several hostages
- I saw the world – he had done Europe on a grand scale over 20 years
- and drank all over Europe – I did that too …
- Misery was definitely company
As the story went on, the litany got worse. The suffering, the losses, the deaths in the family. I’ve found that depending on where you grew up here in Montreal, kids were taught different skills, not all of them good. Where kids were raised in alcoholic homes – trouble usually followed. As it was for our man.
A lifetime of suffering, tons of loss, pain and more pain, and still the message wasn’t sinking in. The admission of powerlessness or weakness was not something we, in the beginning, would ever admit to. We get stuck in the “it’s all about me” phase.
When we start drinking – we lock into – the age we are at that point of our drinking career. And we stay that way until we either kill ourselves with the drink, or we sober up.
Needless to say, our man remained 18 for the whole of his life, because as he told the story, all the antics he got up to wreaked of being a teenager forever.
Geographic here and there. A short lived military career, 20 years in Europe and bouncing from one side of the Atlantic to the other. I identified with a lot of his story, because as a young man, I did that bounce myself. From the U.S. to Europe for a month. I drank my weight in alcohol several times over on that journey. It was regrettable because I have sparse memories of that once in a lifetime trip.
Fast forward to 2003 … He entered university. I was at the same university taking courses, but I was sober, and our man was still drinking well into his 40′s, doing the deed in Reggie’s Bar on campus. A place I avoided at all costs while I was there.
But the journey wasn’t over with, not by a stretch. The story kept going on, and on, and on … at one point he looked at his watch … “Oh Shit!” he says, I am going on and on … and yes he was … I thought to myself, will this misery ever come to an end? Is there the light at the end of the tunnel ???
I am sitting in my chair, people are shifting in their seats. Miss Margaret is hemming and hawing behind me, her husband trying to keep her in her seat until the end of the meeting … It was going long, and there wasn’t a sign that things were going to get better any time soon !!!
Then the watershed moment came in June of 2009…
“I am an alcoholic.”
The final admission that had to happen for grace to come into his life. After the loss of family, parents, wives, kids, money and so on and so forth …He realized that, in hindsight, that he had hit his bottom, but kept on digging. You’d of thought that he was on his way to opening a gold mind, because of the depth of digging he kept doing.
Our man had to make this journey, to get to our meeting tonight.
Can you imagine the amount of money he spent over a lifetime of drinking that ended well into his forties, drinking copious amounts of liquor every day …
How much money did you squander in your using days?
In my drinking days, I drank every day, in the beginning, but that got to be too much for me. I started spacing my drinking until I graduated to the all powerful binge drinking once a week, I had to keep a job and a home and pay for my meds so I couldn’t continue drinking every day.
I got sober the second time at 34. Our man was in his late 40′s coming in the first time. After a lifetime of drinking.
All that misery came at a cost of a lifetime of should of, would of, could of … If only I had … All those resentments and all that anger had to find their way out and into the open. Our man got sober and is still sober today. He has a long way to go to become whole, but isn’t that the promise ?
Sobriety is a journey of one day at a time, one meeting at a time, reading the books, committing to a meeting, getting active, working with others and just living the best we can with what we have today.
I was so happy when the train came into the station … Finally resolution !!!
What a night …
My Old Timer friend gave me a book to read called ” 1000 Years of Sobriety,”
20 people x 50 years. By William G. Borchert and Michael Fitzpatrick.
It looks like a good read.
We went long, but that was ok. We needed to hear what our man had to say, because we asked him to speak …
We had sandwiches and coffee, a good time was had by all.
That is all for tonight. More to come, stay tuned …
55 Shopping Days until Christmas …
Halloween has come and gone. Hubby reported to me the other day that he saw the Christmas decorations go up at the Jean Coutu pharmacy up the street from home, which means they have begun to decorate the downtown core.
I haven’t seen mall decorations as of tonight, but I surmise that they are coming. Now that we are done with Halloween, the march to Christmas officially begins tonight.
There are only 55 shopping days until Christmas 2011.
Continued…
Courtesy: Ninatang
Good day peeps! It is a cool 13c out and drizzle is falling from the skies. Thankfully the rain stayed away. The day was gray and miserable out. Several of my friends remarked that it was getting dark at 5 o’clock and the weary cloudy conditions did nothing but keep the sun away for another day.
I guess that’s how October is making its way into our lives here in Montreal in gray dreary days. Leaves are falling from the trees. Some of the trees in the neighborhood have turned a bright yellow – no reds to be seen anywhere locally. And many of the trees on Clarke over by the church have yet to even begin to change. Looks like it may be a late October event this year.
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This weeks theme is about helping others. When you can, do.
I got to the church a little earlier than usual tonight, I was running ahead of schedule all afternoon. I get to sleep in some afternoons, and today i was up earlier than usual, so I got set and out the door before 5.
The keeper of the parish came down to meet me when I arrived at the church to run me through how the new locks in the church work. The doors are BIG heavy doors that take two hands to open and close. they had to drill huge locks into the doors in order to make them work, therefore a little finesse is necessary to get the locks to lock properly.
We have been asked to keep all the doors locked at all times while in the church, which means that we have to unload our cabinet and re-lock the inner doors to the passageways during the hours we are there, so that even if strangers came into the room, they would not be able to get into the areas of the church they are not supposed to be in.
We hosted 30 people for the meeting tonight. The topic on the table was the Tenth Step. “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”
Before the meeting we were talking about this step, because a few of our women are working this step presently. And they asked me why they would need to do a 10th step if they had a good day? Why do we need to do a tenth step every day?
Well, my answer to this question is this: I begin my day with my Daily Reflections. That gives me a thought to work with every day. It sets the tone for the day and focuses me on a good thought.
I remarked tonight that my marriage keeps me on my toes, I am ever mindful of how I react to situations and people, places and things. I am somewhat hyper-aware of my life in regards to hubby during the day because we spend so much time together during the day.
I do my journal here during the week. Along with the myriad of social media programs that I use, sober friends on Face book do write little steps and thoughts during the day and I have noticed lately that one of my sober friends does a spot check at the end of every day. And that’s what I do as well.
My day usually concludes with some writing. A little prayer to make the world go around. When I stop to do my tenth step at the end of the day it leads me one of two places.
One – If I have had a good day I write my gratitude list. (Something I should do daily, but if I am honest, I don’t always think about that list usually.)
Two – If I have had a bad day/or a trying day, I get to write down what troubled me or what I had a problem with and with whom as well. I get to figure out what role I played in the bad happening.
There is no justified anger nor justified resentments. EVER !!!
I get a daily reprieve based on my spiritual condition every day. If I forget that I need to maintain my spiritual connection with my higher power, I get to reconnect, at any point during my day, so that I get back on track.
So my tenth step let’s me clean my slate at the end of the day. So that I don’t take things to bed with me from during my day.
This ability did not come over night. Let me tell you that right off. It has taken me years of study, prayer and meditation to be able to use my spiritual program to its optimum performance. I’ve been practicing these things for a long time.
Some days I get it all wrong. And that’s ok. Because then I get to see what needs to be checked out and changed. One of my friends was sitting next to me at the table, reading from my Twelve and Twelve, and when we got to the last page, I had notes written all over the pages and up and down the margins.
My 12 and 12 book and as well, my Big Book are covered in highlighter ink, pen notes and comments written in the margins here and there from hearing things at meetings over the years. Let’s just say my b0oks have running commentary that has spanned the last 10 years of being sober.
A good night was had by all.
Tomorrow is my day off midweek.
Last night in Sociology we had a group assignment during class time. We had to go to Zeller’s and observe and document the toy department. Looking at boys/girls toys. Colors used in packaging, how the packaging was advertised, and what the ratio between boys/girls toys there were, what age groups were represented on the toys and we had to sketch the entire department on our group work sheet. It was an interesting assignment.
The topic of the night was gender studies. We have next Monday off for Thanksgiving, which means we have two week to write our next reflection in our journals. We have to write on Cultural Capitol.
So that was the day in brief.
More to come, stay tuned …
Tuesday Troubled …
So it snowed yesterday. In some areas there is more than a foot of snow on the ground. In Westmount, in certain areas there is more than three feet of snow on the ground. It snowed well into the day today as well.
People in the city are shocked at the amount of snow that fell and the city went into a free fall. Trains were late, buses were not running on time, and the sidewalks and streets were not plowed fast enough for some.
There is snow all over the place. We have double paned windows here at home and the blowing snow was so bad last night that there is snow inside the double panes blocking view from the windows. The balcony is covered in snow all the way to the inside wall against the windows.
I left here early because I figured it would be quite the walk through snow all the way to the church. Thankfully, the plows came through earlier and it made for an easy walk out. Even Westmount was plowed but when I got to the church, the sidewalk was not shoveled.
I did my set up as usual, and then came outside and spent half an hour shoveling the walk up to the church from the street, it was still snowing at that hour.
I told you before that when it is hot outside people don’t come to meetings, when it rains, people don’t come to a meeting, and no we’ve proven that when it snows, people don’t come to meetings.
There were only 5 people who showed up for the early meeting. Four of us were group members, and the fifth is my chela. So we put aside the format for the night and went for a free for all round table discussion. It was more like a conversation between the five of us which was meaningful for all of us.
My chela is a man who I’ve spoken about before. The one who is battling with “Letting go.” And he shared a couple of times during the hour, and so tonight I shared with him my observations over the last couple of months, and I was dead on. I’m not into taking people’s inventories, but I thought that it was time to put this observation out there for him to hear from someone other than himself. And he agreed with my assessment.
After the meeting we changed up the room and waited to see who would show up for the late meeting. I think we had a total of 8 people show up for the speaker meeting. The night was low on numbers. I hope this isn’t a marker of what the rest of the month is going to look like.
Next week I am taking my cake. And I shared today about my recovery and that I have been wondering about the stage of recovery I am in now at my anniversary. I have been talking about this topic for a number of weeks now. There is nothing new under the sun in recovery. Repetition is the best teacher.
Every topic that comes up gives you a new look at that topic. Like polishing a diamond. Every time you bring up an old thought, you get to look at it from a different point of view because sobriety is progressive. We are ever changing and evolving. So as topics come up you see that topic in the light that you are in at the moment.
I’ve got a fair amount of time under my belt so I am looking at things very differently, than if I was a newbie. Things are radically different at this stage of the game.
I still have some reading to finish for my final exam in humanities on Thursday night. And I have an assignment to finish up for tomorrow’s French class. Three more nights of classes and I am finished for the term.
That’s all I got for now, more to come, stay tuned…
Monday Madness … 5-10-10
I have been sick for the past five days. Hubby came home with a bug and it wasn’t quite long until it migrated across the bed into me. Needless to say, I have been sleeping a lot. I am hyped up on flu pills and not having the energy to do much. I skipped class this morning because I could not drag myself out of bed at 8:30 in the morning.
But I had things to do today. Like get money… few weeks ago I went to financial aide and get a deferral so that I could register for summer classes, (this was prior to my crash and burn). So they did all the paperwork and signed off on it, and we agreed that when the check finally came (today) that they would only take an agreed amount of money towards tuition and let me have the rest.
I got up around noon. I got to financial aide soon thereafter. The check had been brought to the payment center on campus. I went to the office and waited for 20 minutes and went to pay my fees. The balance was $998.00 (which was the agreed payment). That was on file at financial aide. But fuck me, the girl at the payment center was like oh no, we are charging you everything you owe us now. They took from my $1869.00 check a sum total of $1658.00. Leaving me $211.00 for the month. I was like whoa there, just a minute, that wasn’t the agreement that I signed on. The girl was like, well, that’s what’s on file and that’s what you’re gonna pay. FUCK ME …
I left there with my $211.00 on my bank card and went back up to financial aide. I waited for an officer who knew what was going on with my file. She printed out the payment slip for $998.00 and a signature for a refund of the balance due to me.
I went back to the payment center and brought the slip to the same girl who had just fucked me without lube, and she told me that she could not help me, that I needed to go to student accounts, (in another building) to get them to settle the account.
So, I went to student accounts, and they were not helpful either. They were not able to refund any monies to me once the account was paid in full. I went BACK to financial aide and told my adviser what I had just done. Depending on who you talk to at the payment center, you may get 10 different answers. So I got screwed…
3 hours later and not happy with my little venture, I walked home and hubby was getting ready to go to campus and he suggested that I drop my other summer course and get a refund, which is what I did. That was another $311.00 in the bank.
So now my account is at zero. I am paid up for the summer. I am only taking one class this summer. I’ve been debating with myself what I want to do next. I have some appointments set for the next few weeks, people to see, things to discuss.
I am checking out interdisciplinary studies in sexuality as an option for the fall. I have to call the office and see if I can get in there. I have to have a plan B on the books in case work does not pan out.
That’s what’s happening in my world at this hour.
More to come, stay tuned…
Money makes the world go round …
Today’s adventure is brought to you by the letter “M” for Money!!!
I’ve been playing a game of chicken with the Quebec government as of late and I dropped by financial aid yesterday and the room was mobbed. So I just went to the gym instead. Today, I decided on the way to the gym, to try my chances of getting in and not waiting for an hour in a queue.
I took a number, there were 15 people ahead of me. Thank god for people who take numbers and then leave before being served. The government tells me on their website that my check is going to be run tomorrow (the 3rd.) BUT since that check has to come to Montreal because I got a deferral for my Summer fees, it doesn’t go direct deposit as usual. I’ve been getting story after story about where the check will go and how long it will take to get where it needs to go.
I sat with an adviser and he did some checking with his supervisor and came back with an amenable offer. They would give me $650.00 of the $1861 that the government owes me in an advance… I maxed out as much as possible every penny I could negotiate. So now I have to pay my summer fees which are around $700.00 plus the advance when the check comes then I get the difference – when we calculated it all out, I will get another $511.00 in a couple of weeks.
WHO KNEW it would take up to ten days to send a god forsasken check from Quebec City to Montreal. Fuck you very much. I could drive there in 3 hours and get the check myself. Bastards… I know Canada Post, offers express mail to the every day joe on the street. It seems that the government cannot afford express mail envelopes… Who The Fuck Knew !!!
That took me almost an hour to take care of. Now I can pay my bills and afford food and books next week. Thank God for the kindness of the men and women who work at the University Financial Aid office… They are a godsend.
Then I went to the gym. It was frenetic… Lots of people and really I was pooped when I got on the treadmill but I toughed out a mile and a half, thanks to Madonna. Did you know that if you start the Confessions tour from the beginning – You’d have to collect all the MP3′s and put them in order – because they are all NOT on the cd, that you can walk at 3.1 for 45 minutes and not break a sweat. Our treadmills have fans on them.
I saw the boys. And lots more people that have not been around during the month of August. I dropped off the treadmill and went over to the weights and got on Atlantis and I pumped 90 kg for a hundred reps and decided that I did not feel like waiting for a bench because the weights were PACKED. I decided to come home instead of waiting. I did not want to bottom out. I needed some food. And I took a nap shortly after getting home.
Hubby is cooking dinner and Rachel is on tv.
More to come, stay tuned…
The Boys…
Today did not start as well as I wanted it to. I am at the mercy of the government of Quebec, who has no idea when my financial aide will be coming. I can’t get a straight answer from anyone, either in Quebec City or at school. My file tells me that the check will run on the 3rd which is Thursday, and the school tells me that the check won’t come to Montreal until the 10th… WTF !!! So tomorrow I have to go in and figure out what I am going to do.
MANTRA
Never Trust the Government !!!
I went to financial aide on the way to the Gym and there were 30 people waiting already so I did not stick around. I needed to clear my head of all this insanity so I headed down to the Gym. It was freakishly busy. There were lines of people buying their semester memberships which ran me $67.70 for the semester. I was glad to see that the entire boys club was in residence The 3 to 5 o’clock period was steady but there were no waits on the weights.
I got two miles in on the treadmill and the machine side was busy, a lot of people running. Then I headed over the the weight side and did my Atlantis and my lifting. I have upped my weight on all the lifting and added reps to my routine. They say you’re not supposed to weigh yourself everyday, but I did today and I am fluctuating around 3 pounds. I guess my foray into the ice cream this week has not served me well. I also ate some candy which is against the rules, I am not supposed to eat candy because it spikes my blood sugar.
My blood sugar levels are ranging from a 4.6 to a 9.4 it fluctuates throughout the day. I haven’t hit a 10 in some time. With all the pills I am popping every day now, I am hoping for a good payout at my next lab draw. There better be a huge payout with all this work I am doing to to my body. We shall see.
The weather has definitely cooled off – it has been in the teens at night and last night it was a bit brisk. We have sun, sun and more sun on tap for the rest of the week, and cooling temperatures at night which is a harbinger of things to come. The September cool off has started. If this trend continues we could see a very beautiful turning in a couple of months.
That has been my day …
More to come, stay tuned …
Hump Day Thoughts …
Do you remember the other day when I had to go to Campus to fix my financial aide file for the 4th time? Well, they sent the updated status to the government and they gave me a calculation of $12,243.00 which was correct.
Well, wouldn’t you know it, I got up this morning and checked my mail as usual and didn’t the government send me an email saying that they rescinded my last calculation because I was not registered for the fall…
WHAT THE FUCK ???
So I pick up the phone and called financial aide, which they put me on hold for twenty minutes then directed me to leave a freaking message, which I did not and I got dressed and marched my happy ass down to Campus “For the FIFTH time in 2 weeks” so that I would get my calculation again for the fall.
Lets all say it together …
“THE GOVERNMENT CANNOT BE TRUSTED !!!”
With 5 days to go till the end of the month – they still haven’t cut my check which is going to the school first so that they can take my tuition for the past summer, then I get what is left, so I don’t know when that check is going to come down from Quebec City. I swear, if I have to do this again, someones head is going to roll in Quebec City and I am going to go freaking POSTAL !!!
I was pooped early on this afternoon but I wanted to get to the Gym so I took a shower and got dressed and went down to Campus AGAIN – and the place was jumping. My little latin loverboy was there with his buddy, we exchanged parting glances to acknowledge each other which was a first…
I did a couple miles on the treadmill and my abdominals on the Atlantis machine. There were too many people on the weight side and all the bar bells were being used so I did not get my lifting in today. I did not feel like waiting for a bench and tools. So I came home early. Even if I can’t see results on the outside, Karl told me that I should keep going because it helps on the inside. And I guess I agree with that.
I think I am gonna go take a power nap for a bit.
More to come, stay tuned …
Dollars for Dummies …
Close your eyes, take a deep breath, hold it, and let it go …
That’s what one does when you get an email from Quebec City regarding financial aide. I noted yesterday that they fucked me over once again. This afternoon, the sole thing I had to do was go to the financial aide office and get them to reinstate the correct information – so that the fuckers in Quebec City would get it right again. When I got home from the Gym – they had corrected their fuck up.
In order to pay my summer fees, I need a financial aide deferral, which we can’t do until the 17th of August. But I could not even get a deferral because Quebec City fucked my file. Now there is money coming in September that I can tap for my deferral. Let us pray that Quebec City doesn’t fuck me over yet again…
Holding steady at 174 pounds today, I went to the Gym earlier than I had planned because I had to go to financial aide and I didn’t want to make two trips into the core, so I stayed and did my workout.
I changed up my routine today so that I was able to get a press bench on the weight side. There weren’t many people at that hour so I got a good 30 minute workout in. I do weight lifting, bar bells (15 lbs/12.5 lbs.) and bench press at 40lbs.
We have a lot of different exercise machines that I started using. Like the sitting crunch machine. One can never do too many crunches. My body is feeling a little sore and I guess that means I am doing something right. I did my 1.8 miles on the treadmill and some floor exercises in.
I think I am going to take a mid day siesta. Hubby has to go write a final exam, so I have the house to myself for a few hours.
more to come, stay tuned…
Oui, Montreal tops in new Monopoly game
In this photo provided by Hasbro, ‘Mr. Monopoly’ stands on a large version of the global game board of the new ‘Monopoly Here & Now: The World Edition’ after it was unveiled on the CBS Early Show in New York, Wednesday, August 20, 2008. In worldwide voting by fans, New York and London were the only cities to earn a property space on the board from their respective countries.
(AP Photo/Hasbro, Ray Stubblebine)
EAST LONGMEADOW, Mass. – Bye bye, Boardwalk. The Quebec metropolis of Montreal snagged the most expensive spot on a new global version of Monopoly, unseating the Atlantic City fixture as the board game’s most prestigious property.
Montreal will be joined by the Latvian capital Riga, which grabbed the game’s No. 2 Park Place spot, and 20 other world cities when Monopoly Here & Now: The World Edition goes on sale later this month. Other cities featured include Cape Town, Jerusalem, London, Paris, New York, Rome and Taipei.
The latest version of the board game will be printed in 37 languages and sold in 50 countries, toy maker Hasbro Inc. said Wednesday.
Meanwhile, “Chance” and “Community Chest” cards will highlight global cultural fare, from Brazil’s Carnival celebration to Ireland’s St. Patrick’s Day festival.
Created with Atlantic City street names in 1935 by Charles Darrow, more than a dozen versions of the game that allows players to become pretend real estate moguls are sold today.
Hasbro said nearly 6 million votes were cast during an online contest to name the cities featured on the global edition of the game.
Monopoly Here & Now will be available Aug. 26.
Money…
What a waste of a day today. They say that Money is the root of all evil. And it is one of those subjects that can cause a marriage to fall apart, along with infidelity, and boredom. Today is hubby’s birthday, and I got up early and got myself dressed and went shopping for some goodies for his birthday – I wrapped his gifts in the shopping mall and put them in a nice little bag and brought it home.
I was all smiles and giggles because he wasn’t expecting anything – I make sure that I don’t forget birthdays, anniversaries and the like. I took out the bag and handed over the loot, and he starts screaming at me about money, like there wasn’t enough to go around, not that I spent a LUMP of cash, I had budgeted out my money for the month and then the bills, rent and food.
Did I mention that after this little tirade that I handed him the receipt and told him that If he needed the cash so bad that he can go return everything that I bought him for his birthday!!! I am supposed to be able to read his Fucking Mind and know where every penny is and I am also supposed to divine from him what he needs from me every month. Because if I don’t ask, he doesn’t tell me anything… It’s just his way …
So he had a freaking conniption fit and he threw a notice from the UPS man who came while I was out, and I had a duty to pay on a package that came and so I called up UPS to track the package and he is just having a shit fit … I paid my bills, I paid our loan payment, I paid the lump of the rent, and I pay for food daily. So he sits down and writes me a list of things he needs this month – it is the 6th of the month, and with all the bills that must be paid, there is very little cash left for the rest of the month.
Let me explain… I think I mentioned that the Hydro Quebec bill went unpaid for six months, and three months ago we got a turn off notice because there was a bill over $600.00 that needed to be paid immediately. He did not pay the bills on time, and now we are paying the price having to spend every penny we bring in at the moment to try and catch up on bills, and still afford food and sundries. Let’s add to this total our monthly medical bills that run us almost $100.00 each.
I don’t know what I am supposed to do when I hand money hand over fist every month and it just does not seem to go far enough. Ms. Vanity needs hair color, makeup and a beauty appointment before he will walk across the stage next week to get his god damned diploma. He wants a new pair of shoes, which he will get from a gift card we got over the holidays. So he hands me a list of things that he needs to have this month, and I then deposited more money into his bank account this afternoon. He still wasn’t happy, so FUCK ME!!!
Where does the insanity end???
I need a drink…
I hate money. We just cannot catch a break.
Meltdown…
One never knows when the dam is going to burst and the flood of emotions that will follow are going to occur. Over the last few weeks I have been trying to help hubby deal with his rejection by McGill University in the most helpful ways I can. Alas, I have failed in that effort.
I don’t know how to help him cope any better than I can, with all that resources I have at my disposal and people for him to speak to. How do you keep someone safe from the world? It has been a very upsetting day because hubby came home from his routine day of school and errands and he was a psychotic mess. Today we broke furniture and came to blows and I was the target of his assault. I guess I am not doing enough to help around here and that my efforts are useless and I do absolutely nothing to help him, in his own words.
We warned him of this happening. We tried to stave off the disappointment, but he is going to deal with his misfortune as he will, you can talk, talk, and talk, but as I said yesterday, people are going to have to figure it out on their own time and in their own way. So I have been sitting back watching this all come about, and they say silence gives consent right? He says that I do not talk, which is untrue. He thinks that I won’t listen without judgment, which is untrue. He has flown through this cycle very quickly and to damaging ends.
All this work he has done, has been for naught. The climbing the mountain has brought him no accolades, no scholarships, not acceptance by his peers and in his mind this has been a total outright evil rejection by a system that does not want him. We must add that as a mature student the stakes are different. We are much older that the regular university student – we may get good grades, and we may have to work harder than the rest to get ahead, but in hubby’s mind there is no difference. But there is…
Now he has to start from the beginning again and work on a second BA because his BA in English does not qualify him for very much and all of his friends got further academic acceptance including financial promissory notes of support for schools ‘out of province.’ So we talked about moving…
There are not many choices left to him to consider and the best viable plan is to return to Concordia this summer and continue his studies in communications where he has been studying for the last three years, this is not a choice he made easily, and it came with much revulsion and gnashing of teeth. How could he achieve such academic greatness, graduating with distinction and at the top of his game and not get one iota recognition from anyone further? Although on a personal level, all of his advisers told him that he is brilliant and smart, those words have fallen on deaf ears. He doubts everything that is being said to him because there was no pay off in his graduation. There isn’t going to be a huge celebration for him…
I don’t know how to help him cope any better than what I am already doing, because every time he gets angry he comes after me. and Fuck me for trying right??? In the Big Book it says that there are no justified resentments and that expectations are something that we cannot afford to have to a certain degree. Anyone knows that when you sets your sights too far up and your expectations find themselves in the stratosphere that the fall from those heights can be fatal. Hubby has had a fatal fall from heights that even I cannot save him from…
His attempt at surmounting McGill university was an exercise in futility and we all warned him of that, he did not listen. He was going to do things his way and be damned the ones who tried to deter him from starting the climb. They say that when climbing Everest [Sagarmantha] if you do not approach the mountain with respect and reverence and you do not honor the time told traditions of the climb, that you will fail at summiting the peak. McGill university was the closest to Everest that hubby was going to get, and he came at the mountain with expectations, an ego and a handful of really virulent resentments. And what did the mountain say to him…….. “You shall not summit my peak!”
He doesn’t want to attend any functions with other students because he has been humiliated at the highest degree, he only told his best friend and myself what happened. And graduation is going to be another upsetting event in his litany of fuck all events of this academic year. Many of them are moving forwards, where hubby, it seems, is only moving backwards with his going on to another BA instead of MA work.
All of his friends will be moving away and beyond and he will be stuck here, doing it all over again, and for him that is such punishment that even he cannot seem to bear at the moment. I am powerless to stop this from happening and I am not God, I cannot change the time line we are on. I am powerless over people, places and things.
So I am useless, All I do is sit here and do nothing, I contribute not enough and I am not pulling my weight around here. fuck me!!! I am without words for what happened today. I’ve been assaulted, insulted and read up one side and down the other for remaining steadfast and solid. At least I followed the program to the best of my ability and I only thought about drinking once today…
God grant me serenity…
Smart transit cards come to Montreal, Quebec
BY CORINNE SMITH — Smart cards with rechargeable microchips are being introduced to Montreal and Quebec city’s public transit systems, officials announced Monday.
The “Opus” cards, ubiquitous already in some American and European cities, will cut down on fare fraud and reduce lineups at metro station counters, the Montreal Transit Commission (MTC) said at a news conference.
Regular public transit users will have to buy a $3.50 Opus card to which they can add fare values equivalent to a strip of six tickets, a weekly or monthly pass in any of the networks adopting the new system, said MTC spokeswoman Odile Paradis.
Riders will be able to charge up their cards at either an automatic recharging machine to be installed in metro and bus stations, or at vendors. They will be scanned on the bus or at the metro station and fares will be deducted.
The card holder will be able to register the card in order to have their balance refunded in case of loss or theft.
The cards will eventually be available at some 700 points of sale across Quebec, including 500 locations in the Montreal region.
Automatic recharging machines will be installed in all metro stations as well.
Transit corporations target fraud with cards
The cards will help the MTC clamp down on ticket fraud, which adds up to $20 million a year, or five per cent of its annual revenues, which is a “huge amount of money,” said corporation president Claude Trudel.
The cards offer “good means against the fraud,” he said.
Bus drivers hope the MTC will offer additional resources to ease the transition to smart cards, said Tom Moutheros, a spokesman with the island’s bus drivers’ union.
Every driver has a story about public transit users trying to ride the bus for free with a six-month old transfer that’s been ironed out several times.
When the new system is introduced, those scammers may get upset if they are refused passage, at the risk of drivers’ safety, he said.
“I don’t know if this is going to solve anything, but they have to give us support, they have to give us the tools,” such as increased surveillance in metro stations, and adjustable Plexiglas cages for bus drivers,” Moutheros said.
Short-term use cards also part of new system
The passes will be rolled out borough by borough, starting in East Montreal, and in Sorel-Varennes. Opus cards will be sold at the Anjou metro station starting April 28.
A magnetized paper card that can be charged up with up to six fares will also be sold along with the Opus card, for infrequent users, said MTC spokeswoman Odile Paradis.
Students and seniors who require photo identification to qualify for reduced fares will have cards with their pictures on the back.
The new Opus card system will cost $217 million to implement.
MTC monthly passes will be phased out at the end of 2009, to allow people time to adjust to the new system, Paradis said.
The Outaouais Transit Corporation introduced similar cards in its system in 1998, but that system isn’t compatible with the Opus cards, Paradis said.
Similar systems are used in Chicago, Atlanta, San Francisco, Paris and London.
Tuesday Drama…
After last nights joys, today was supposed to be a really good day. But then again, I remember my own words, “You make plans, and God laughs…” I got up and sorted myself out and started my day.
In the afternoon, I went to meet Ms. Nikki for coffee and we talked for some time, our usual banter back and forth. We set off for the church as usual. It is cold and bitter outside and we arrived and settled in to do set up. I walk back into the hallway and open the store room up and [it is behind a locked door] and I go to unlock our cabinet and I come to find out that someone pounded our cabinet into a mangled mess, all for a lousy piggy bank full of pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters.
We had been robbed a SECOND TIME!!!
We spent a chunk of money on labor, time and materials to get it fixed the last time we were robbed a few months ago. We spoke to the pastor of the church and the maintenance man who works on site about the break in. Once again, our group has been vandalized by someone who knew that that piggy bank was in there. I looked in the other cabinets to see if their banks were in their cabinets. The other group was missing their bank as well.
Each AA group collects loose change for pamphlets and to buy literature for the group or for institutions. We don’t keep money in our cabinets, perse, but some junkie or really deranged alcoholic targeted our cabinet AGAIN…
Now we need to either get the cabinet fixed, which this time is going to take more work to bang the doors back into alignment and attach a new lock to the outside or we get another cabinet – they don’t come cheap … FUCK ME !!! We Are Not Happy tonight…
We had a business meeting, to which only 4 of us showed up for, I come to find out that we have lost more long standing members who have decided to leave our group. I am not happy about that at all.
I hope the junky who hit our cabinet used that change for something useful like food or something. We get sober and we are supposed to get honest, right? For me, tonight, some asshole who knows the truth, stole from a group who’s members take burglary and dishonesty very personally.
There are no coincidences…
Stay in your day …
We sit in our same chairs. In the same space, week after week, and we listen to each other speak. We only have today and living in our days is the topic of discussion. And so we listen as the conversation moves.
When I got sober, it was all I could do to get to a meeting and stay off the drink and the drugs. They told me, stay in your day, wtf was that, so I battled my addiction until (good orderly direction) came to me. When I think about staying in my day I ask myself three questions as I spoke on tonight:
1. Do you have a roof over your head
2. Is there food in your belly and
3. Do you have a bed to sleep in
If I answer yes to these three questions, then I have nothing else to worry about, I know that now, but I didn’t know it then. We all have our paths and crosses to bear. And hindsight is twenty twenty. Five years a a few months on, I have banked time behind me.
It took me a year to learn how to stay in my day, because over that year I chose to take root in one place, one meeting and start there learning how to live soberly and cleanly.
That most important year in sobriety I learn that I did not have to involve myself in other people’s dramas, that I did not have to worry about what people thought about me because really, what you think of me is none of my business. I started to sober up and learn. I learned how to listen and how to be quiet.
Everything I needed I took to that room and I shared with my people my needs and my pains and even my joys. It was important for me to learn how to stay in my day, because what came next was hell on earth.
My partner had a nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder. Treatment would begin in earnest to find the medication that would work. He was down for ten months. I fed him, bathed him and lived with him, every day, like clockwork.
I had a decision to make, for richer or for poorer and in sickness and in health were on the table, and I could either walk or I could choose to stay and march with what we were dealt. Knowing I had a place to go every Tuesday meant that I would not be alone in my despair, because I can tell you that I had seen the pit and flirted with getting into it.
There were nights I sat here in the dark alone, praying to god to let this cup pass from me, and to end the suffering sooner than later. I learned how to stay in my day in real time. Yesterday is yesterday and tomorrow is not here, so make the best of the twenty four hours you have in front of you and make it count.
I always worried about growing up – I never knew what it meant for a boy to become a man, or when I would get there and what it would feel like to become a man. When does a boy become a man?
This was MY answer. When I decided to stay and fight for my partner’s life and I put the needs of another before my own, to ask what can I do for you and how can I help you, I moved farther from “what about me?” Because for months I kept asking God what about me? And the answer kept coming back, what about you? Keep walking, you are learning a valuable lesson.
This is when I realized that the boy had begun to grow up and become a man. I went to my meeting and I did service week in and week out. I prayed my heart out and I cried and I screamed because it seemed that nothing was coming to me in tangible ways, but everything was coming to me in spiritual ways. This darkness lasted ten months while we tried medication after medication.
Then one night in September of 2004, we got a new medication and I dosed him that morning, by evening that night, the light went on in the tower, and he rose off the couch, like Lazarus being raised from the dead, we were blessed by God because we had found the right mix.
For a year I stayed in my day and I prayed my ass off and for all the nights I sat in the dark waiting for something to happen to me, something happened for me. A years time was spent on learning the concept of staying in my day, and a second year was spent working it out in real time.
I showed up, I suited up and I did what I had to do to take care of me, in sober terms, and in turn my sober community took care of me in ways I did not expect. With that I could take care of my partner to the best of my ability, because Good Orderly Direction was the key to success.
In the last five years I have heard some harrowing stories, and we tell them “stay in your day” because eventually, this too shall pass. We have a really tight family and we care a great deal for every soul that comes down those stairs into the meeting. We have suffered together and we have cried together and we have celebrated joy together. So I can tell you about staying in your day.
We choose our battles wisely. We know what we have to do to stay sober, one day at a time. We work hard to not be stuck in the past or carry that samsonite luggage around with us, and we know not to worry about the future. Everything has its season and everything has its time. Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair, you are moving but you are not getting anywhere.
Jackie has returned to us from a terrible slip after learning that she has lung cancer and she cried the other night, how am I going to get through this? It is a gift that one of our members survived cancer over the last year and can offer her guidance. We hear tonight that she started chemo and she is loosing her hair and when I hugged her afterwards I asked “what can we do for you today?” and her answer was simple, you are here and you care, that’s what I need today.
She wants to live and she is ready to fight. And that gives me pause, to consider where I fit into the grand scheme of things. This is my home group where I set up chairs and make coffee. It is my responsibility to have that room open so that “Jackies” can come and decompress and to cry and to walk – never alone …
I have learn about staying in my day and today I can offer that wisdom to others, because I have time in the bank to prove that if I did it, then you can do it too and that Good Orderly Direction can work if you remain willing to walk with me a step or two.
When one suffers, we all suffer. When one hurts, we all hurt, and When one rejoices, all rejoice. Tonight I pray for Jackie and for Jerry and for all those who are either sick or suffering, because I know today, “this too shall pass.”
Because I stay in my day …
When night falls and the day draws to a close, I can spend a little time in meditation reviewing what happened, what I did good and what may need more attention tomorrow, I count my blessings and I make my gratitude list, and I settle off for bed. I rest with a clear conscience because for today I did my best and that’s all that matters. I helped another person today, that is the gift of sobriety, that I can take time out of my day to be with you and be ok with that, because it is not always about me.
We all have choices to make. Pray you make the right choice today to help another just because, Because you never know when you are entertaining an angel. In my life, in religious terms for me, I remember this thought: Matthew 25:35-40
For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’
At the end of the day, if called to account for my life if the Master called me home, I would want to hear him say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”
Thank you for letting me share…
Evangelicals Fear Thompson Too Soft On Gays
SEE: God’s Warriors – Christianity
This is the exact kind of Religious SHIT that I hate – HATE about Christian Fundamentalists. That you believe that you hold sway over the government any more than the rest. This is why America needs a clear SEPARATION between CHURCH and STATE.
In the year 2007, Straight Evangelical Minions are so concerned with Gay Rights, Hate Crimes Legislation, AIDS funds, Gay Marriage, that you are going to spend millions of dollars and hundreds of hours of lobby time to sway the electorate to elect a God Damned President?
Oh the Gays are gonna come and get us, they threaten the sanctity of marriage, Oh the gays want Special Treatment, Rights, and Protection from Hate Crimes!! Oh Oh Oh….
The Evangelicals are on another Witch Hunt. They are going to press the Gay Issue on the Candidates and they will attempt to KILL any nomination of any candidate who is soft on the Homosexuals, Gays and Lesbians. I guess we are not past the wedging of Sexual Orientation or Sexual Orientation issues into a Presidential Campaign.
It is really sad when you think that all Evangelicals do with their spare time is THINK about all things GAY!!! Does this strike anyone as problematic for them and informative for us?
God, We pray for Salvation from Evangelical…
Meanwhile,
- Osama Bin Laden is still alive [See Video]
- The United States is engaged in a war [Read:IRAQ] that they cannot win
- President George Bush is an idiot – And needs to be IMPEACHED
- Your foreign policy needs work
- People need health care
- There are children going without food
- There is not enough money for People with AIDS across the board
- All you Christians can think about is the GAY AGENDA!! Pardon me while I THROW UP!!! You limey bastards…And God Wept!!!
by The Associated Press
Posted: September 9, 2007 – 3:00 pm ET
(Washington) Prominent evangelical leaders who spent the summer hoping Fred Thompson would emerge as their favored Republican presidential contender are having doubts as he begins his long-teased campaign.
For social conservatives dissatisfied with other GOP choices, the “Law & Order” actor and former Tennessee senator represents a Ronald Reagan-like figure, someone they hope will agree with them on issues and stands a chance of winning.
But Thompson’s lack of a full endorsement of a federal gay marriage amendment and his delay in entering the race are partly responsible for a sudden shyness among leading evangelicals.
“A month or two ago, I sensed there was some urgency for people to make a move and find a candidate,” said Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council, a Washington-based conservative Christian group. “Right now, I think people are stepping back a little and watching. The field is still very fluid.”
A loose network of influential evangelical leaders known as the Arlington Group met privately Wednesday and Thursday in Washington to discuss presidential politics and other issues, participants said.
Although the group does not endorse candidates, individual members have done so in the past, and one of the organization’s founding principles is to get the movement’s leaders on the same page when possible.
Some in the meeting shared their presidential leanings, but the consensus was that more time is needed to gauge Thompson’s performance, according to a participant.
A clearer picture may develop Oct. 19-21 during a “Values Voter Summit” in Washington that will include a presidential straw poll.
In June, Thompson met privately with several Arlington Group members, many of whom are uncomfortable with the GOP top tier for various reasons: Arizona Sen. John McCain for championing campaign-finance overhaul and labeling some evangelical figures “agents of intolerance”; former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani for backing abortion rights and some gay rights; and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney for his social-issue policy reversals and – for some members – his Mormon faith.
With the post-Labor Day primary push under way, the 65-year-old Thompson faces a crucial month to prove he is the best alternative for a key GOP constituency.
“He’s got a real opportunity to be the most credible conservative candidate across the board,” said Gary Bauer, a one-time presidential aspirant who heads the advocacy group American Values. “Whether he can put it all together remains to be seen. But he’s got a real chance to emerge as the major conservative alternative to Giuliani.”
Others are skeptical about whether Thompson can fill that role.
Rick Scarborough, a Southern Baptist preacher and president of Texas-based Vision America, said that while he is encouraged by Thompson’s strong voting record in the Senate against abortion, he questioned the candidate’s commitment to social issues.
“The problem I’m having is that I don’t see any blood trail,” Scarborough said. “When you really take a stand on issues dear to the heart of social conservatives, you’re going to shed some blood in the process. And so far, Fred Thompson’s political career has been wrinkle-free.”
Thompson’s long-delayed entry is another concern, Scarborough said. “The hesitancy has made us wonder whether he has the stomach for what it’s going to take,” he said.
Earlier this summer, doubts crept in following reports on Thompson’s role in crafting campaign finance reform and stories that he lobbied for an abortion rights group.
More recently, Thompson has come under scrutiny for his position on a constitutional amendment on gay marriage, a defining issue for the Christian right.
Thompson over the past month has stated on more than one occasion that he supports an amendment that would prohibit states from imposing their gay marriage laws on other states. (story) That falls well short of what evangelical leaders want: an amendment that would bar gay marriage nationwide.
Thompson’s position surprised evangelical leaders who say they met with him in June and came away thinking he shared their desire for a more sweeping constitutional change. Now, they wonder if he is flip-flopping.
One person in attendance – Mathew Staver of the Liberty Counsel, a Florida-based conservative legal group – said Thompson described going back and forth about the merits of an amendment prohibiting gay marriage nationwide.
“At one time, he said he was against it,” Staver said. “Then he said in June he was for it. So if now he’s saying he’s against it, to me that’s a double-minded person. And that would be a real concern for religious conservatives.”
Messages left with Thompson campaign were not returned.
Several Christian right leaders said opposition to a broad amendment would hurt Thompson with evangelicals, but not necessarily cause irreparable harm. Others played down the issue, pointing out that their favored approach was politically impossible anyway because Democrats control the House and Senate.
Richard Land, president of the Southern Baptist Convention’s Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission, said Thompson’s position is consistent with the former senator’s support for limited federal government and giving power to the states.
Land said it is healthy that expectations for Thompson have diminished from unrealistic levels and he does not think evangelical excitement has dimmed for a man he described as a “masterful retail politician.”
Many evangelical leaders said one of Thompson’s biggest draws is his perceived electability. Some are watching whether former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, a former Baptist minister, can build on his second place finish last month in the Iowa straw poll.
Tim Wildmon, president of the Tupelo, Miss.-based American Family Association, said that while he likes Huckabee, Thompson’s better name recognition and fundraising potential is a strong draw for evangelicals.
“This is a dilemma a lot of people have,” Wildmon said. “They want to support the candidate that most reflects their values. “But at the same time, you have to balance that against finding someone who can actually win.”
©365Gay.com 2007
Resistance is Futile… You will be Assimilated
I needed a day off. I needed to regenerate because I was tired. Too many thoughts going on in my head, baggage that is not mine, responsibility that has been thrust upon me as of late, friends in difficulty, what’s on television. Disaster, mine collapses, hurricanes, fires and floods. It’s the god damned Armageddon!
Icheb is our guide.
It seems that some of my blogging brothers are creating drama for one of my friends, who happens to be dealing with a medical situation that I am all too familiar with. And I tell them now, this too shall pass. The internet is fickle and people will find something else to focus on eventually. Just remember that when you write, you are responsible for what you write. The truth or lies, the facts or the fiction. You are also responsible for the reactions because of what you write. We call that publishing responsibility. YOU are RESPONSIBLE for what you write, every word, every feeling every opinion. So beware what you write.
Over the last few days I have written a great deal about God’s Warriors and I have to say that I have reached new highs in traffic that this blog has ever seen. I taped the first segment of Judaism from Wednesday night. The more I think about it, in watching the documentary again, I find myself wanting to learn more about the conflict. Something to bring up in my theology classes in the coming months. I am still a strong Christian Zionist.
Last night I watched a two hour documentary about “Surviving Katrina” on the Discovery Channel. I remember we sat here that week and watched on live television the march of hurricane Katrina over New Orleans. We lived it here as they lived it there, minus the direct one on one experience. It was hell. Discovery took the time to explain the minutiae of what happened, even to employ “brownie” to explain his role in the failure of all levels of government to adequately take responsibility and care for those in New Orleans and in other hurricane affected areas. I was mortified to say the least.
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Of Special Remembrance: August 24th, Friday, was the one year anniversary of the death of the sainted woman, my great aunt Sister Georgette Cote. There was no call from the mother house, no memorial mass, one year on. I knew the date was coming and I did my best to ignore it because that meant I’d have to write about one truly painful time in my life, since coming to Montreal:
August 24 2006 – Blog Entry
At 11:30 a.m. this morning, Sister Georgette Cote peacefully met the Lord and entered into her heavenly inheritance.
I had literally just went to take a nap, and the phone rang, it was the hospital.
She waited for me to leave.
Blessed be the Lord our God
Eternal Rest grant her and may perpetual light shine upon her.
Blessed be Marguerite D’Youville.
I had spent the previous 18 hours with her in the ICU ward of the General up the hill. It was me, sister Agathe and sister Monique that last night of her life. The buzzing and whistling of the machines were upsetting her with that huge oxygen mask on her face, she just wanted everything off. So it went. They hooked up the Morphine drip and the clock started ticking.
By midnight the sisters thought that they should get back to the Mother House, so it was just the two of us. I sat reading the Tibetan Book of the dead, while the single nurse came and went without a word. It was dark, quiet and morbid. I had walked home to shower and change out and get some food before the last conversation at 3 a.m. when her surgeon came in to check on her, a very sainted woman, strong of character and voice. You will be ok Ms. Cote. I am here with you. Sister Georgette was fading, her hands waving in front of her face. The surgeon left after bidding us a good night.
Sister Georgette has said to get to devil away from her and to find a priest – well it was 3 a.m. in the morning, who was I going to call then? So I grabbed my rosary and I began to recite prayers over her. She said that “I was a good boy and that God would bless me” then she closed her eyes, and that was the last thing she said. That would be our very last conversation.
As the sun rose – we had a great view out th windows to the South Shore and the Victoria Bridge. She was gone, mentally and emotionally. The male nurse that came on shift started to clean her up and bathe her and change her dressing gown. It was around 9 in the morning. The two sisters had come back from the mother house and around 10 am I set off for home to rest.
I got home and changed out. Had a bite to eat and crawled into bed. While I was lying there, I could smell her and it waifed through my room. A few minutes later the phone rang – it was the hospital, Sister Georgette was dead. She waited for me to leave. It has been a year. I miss her more than most will know.
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When I entered the world of mentoring and the foster parent program I nested. I learned that I was exceptionally maternal in my motivations, yet I kept very manly counsel. I found myself channeling my father at times. I have few rules. Do not lie to me, Do not steal from me or anyone else. If you need something you ask and if I can help you I will. All of my boys know the ground rules. The ground rules are set in stone. If I catch you in a lie or you manipulate me into a position then you have lost my support and your right to be trusted.
He lies to us and he cheats and he is dishonest. He manipulates us and forces us to the wall with his tests to see how far we will go to punish him and stop his manic anger tantrums.
I am not going to have any of this. As of late, I take this boy to bed with me and I ruminate in my head at night, because I want to be a good example. Now I am parent and I am setting the law of the land. And this child has cheated, lied and manipulated. This is a waste of my time. His behavior is unacceptable. If he thinks he is going to push me to anger myself, then he is getting nothing from me until he learns that there are rules in my house and failure to follow these rules will be met with swift execution of consequences.
I have accepted this “location” because mom has failed to exact rules and regulations on her son so I have to step in and set the rules down and play daddy. While the biological father, who has NO RIGHTS, who gave up his parental rights long ago works behind the scenes to manipulate him and he works against everything that we (mom and I) have been working for. And for what? Jesus H. Christ…
Now I have contracted for daily visits with the “wild child” and I have a schedule book to make sure I can fit him into my schedule when school starts. If he thinks I am going to put up with his bullshit – he can think again. I must be patient and understand that he is not like all other normal kids. I get that. And I am patient and kind, but what do I have to do to get him to understand that this is NOT a game.
I am not in this to play games.
Fuck with me and you will learn what it feels like to get on my bad side. And I promise you that I am not fucking around here. Do Not Test me young man because if you do, You will Loose, I promise you, there will be certain consequences for pushing me to the limit of my patience. I am not going to be taking extra baggage to bed with me at night and I surely am not going to waste my time working with kids who do not listen or cannot learn.
You know what I am talking about and you sure as shit know when you are manipulating us and when you LIE to us as well. We know where the money is coming from, and if this happens again, we will bring the law down and you won’t be able to access the daddy bank again. You are smarter than you look, and you know I mean business. I sure as shit am not going to waste my time and talent trying to help you – while you back-stab us and continue to push us to the brink of insanity. I am not going to have this, PERIOD!!!
I am starting to get resentful and angry because you fuck with me, You will not fuck with me. If I am in the role of parent, then you will see what it means to suffer consequences for your behavior.
Jesus, the drama… end of rant…
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It seems that Mother Teresa has brought traffic to this blog that has never been seen before, more than the God’s Warriors traffic. If you look in the PAGES section of this blog you will find that I have written much on the topic of Mother Teresa. I believe that every Christian goes through the Dark Night, and at some point questions, “what the hell am I doing here, and why do I waste my time? (Read above)
Is there a God and if there is He needs to make himself present to me before I loose my mind! It is interesting to see how traffic changes every twenty four hours. I mean it is great that traffic has doubled in recent days. That means that religious writing has changed again. That what I do here is important to many readers and I thank you for stopping by. No one I know has written one word on any topic that I have addressed from my blog list in recent days.
Yet there are blogs that have stopped by that I have never seen before, and I get closer to the Top List blogs. Those who are really knowledgeable about world events, they are critical of writers and they know things that I don’t which is in itself very educational because I know there is a slant in cable news reporting, but what I did not know from this writer – “Right Truth,” helped to inform me to a level I had not been aware of.
As a writer, I am responsible for what I write, and I accept that. I took a step to write about topics that I am educated about, and others come by to read and they impart certain knowledge that I did not have before. Which raises the bar for me as a writer. The more I study and the more I write the higher up the level of professional blogging I rise to. It’s all about being informed and educated on the topics we write about and it is up to us to take the time to read other bloggers points of view so that we can more roundly write on what we are writing about. The article at Right Truth, linked above is very informative. Take some time to visit that blog because they are a great Blog and the writing is incredible.
Well, that is a lot of writing for today, So I am going to close and bid you all a good night.
God's Warriors Part 3 – Christianity
I will give you my Battle Cry: Matthew 22:37-40
Jesus replied: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
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Was I not surprised with tonight’s God’s Warriors part 3. The battle for the hearts, minds and souls of the people of the U.S. to bring back Religious Rule to an ever more secular society going to hell in a hand basket. And wasn’t I not surprised that for two hours I sat through preacher after preacher who gave their summation of the State of the Union based on the religious beliefs of their congregation.
So we have the issues on the table:
- The Sanctity of Human Life (Abortion)
- The Integrity of Marriage (Gay Marriage)
- The Teaching of Sexual abstinence to kids in School
- And Protecting the Environment for some
- Creationism -vs- Evolution
These arguments are well known in the Evangelical circles, and I know them all. I’ve studied all the arguments and I know about all the issues. So let me state my credentials, my beliefs and my Christian Testimony for you before I write any more.
- I am a Christian Man
- I am a Gay – Married Man
- I Believe in a woman’s right to choose
- I Qualify as a Christian Zionist because of my support of Israel
- I Believe that the U.S. has its issues with celebrity, materialism, violence and pornography, and lack of moral backbone – but NOT to the degree that I would become in any fashion an evangelical thumper
- I Believe there are lessons to be learned from the Evangelical Movement in the sense of rigidity, control, male domination and exclusion
- I Believe that there should be a separation of Church and State
- Like President Carter I believe that Faith and Politics should stay separate
- I Believe that Christianity has become Terribly Divisive and Exclusive and I share a message of Love, Compassion, Inclusion, Service, Justice and Humility, Peace and of Poverty.
In the United States we know the power of the Evangelical Vote, the power of the Evangelical Church to move people on Hot-Button Issues like Abortion, Gay Marriage, Gay Rights and Protection Issues (Hate Crimes Legislation), Creationism and Evolution. Having grown up in the South (Florida) for over 30 years, I watched the world change before my eyes. And now as a Gay Man with a voice I can tell you that the Evangelical Church has done more damage to the LGBTQ Community than anyone else.
The fact of the matter is this. I have read my bible and I have studied scripture and I have a University Degree behind me, 40 years of life and Seminary training to back every word I write here. I am Gay, and I am not going to convert for anyone just to get into heaven, because when I die, it will be God and ME having that life review. None of you are going to be there, I know my God. And that is what I have to say about that.
America believes that it is a nation of faith. That between Law and Religion, the Supreme Court is Ground Zero, and that the Evangelical Movement is still working to find appointed judges to sit on the highest court in the land so that they will affect such change that the laws will be changed in SUPPORT of the Evangelical Platform.
I have stated twice now, in my writing that I am a supporter of Israel. And tonight I can say that I rank in the group who call themselves Christian Zionists. I make no bones about that. Am I supportive of military mitigation for the threat of Nuclear conflict, I must say Yes I am. I had to carefully think about my answer here. There is enough data on the table from Iran and its leaders to have a stance of preemptive measures so that we do not find ourselves on the brink of nuclear conflict.
Yet, during the Judaism portion of the writing, many leaders including former president Jimmy Carter stated that the Jewish Settlements are in violation of treaties and that those settlements were the one thing that prevented peace from being reached. There are those who would like to see Judea wiped off the face of the earth in opt for an Islamic state upon the Holy Land. If this was allowed to happen, the world would suffer, not only the Jewish population. Countries who support Israel should be supportive of nuclear mitigation at any cost. War is never a solution …
I reprint these words for the three Monotheistic religions …
“What can we do to stop this trend of violence and hatred? Like I said last night the three monotheistic religions of the world are warring with their own and each other, and there is plenty of land to go around. There is always a solution if “ENLIGHTENED” political leaders would rise up and come to the table and negotiate a peaceful coexistent settlement.”
I’m not going to spend the rest of this post caterwauling about the repetitious nature of the Evangelical platform stating that America and the world at large has lost its moral compass, that Gay Marriage is a blight on the integrity of Marriage. Come On Don’t make me throw up! How many heterosexual marriages end up in divorce? You know Gays might just get it right. After growing up in the 70′s and 80′s all of my friends parents were either separated or divorced.
So please TELL ME just how much of an impact will gay men and women getting married make a difference in HOW YOU live your lives?
Explain this to me as if I were a 5th grader… (no please don’t!!)
I love the fact that Reverend Falwell reaches up from the grave to grace us with his judgment of the United States, Oh Mr. Falwell, thank God you are dead!! Because the age of the evangelical is coming to an end. It has peaked and will pass, as former president Jimmy Carter shared with viewers tonight. I love the discussion about the disagreement between Christians and Jews on just who the messiah is. And he says if the messiah came walking down the road that both the Jew and the Christian would have a huge theological adjustment to make…
The evangelicals tell us that they do not loose until they quit, America has lost its moral compass and the evangelical movement is going to change that sad state of affairs. Evangelicals argue that if Romans Chapter 1 is to be believed in the literal sense then why does the United States need to pass Hate Crimes Legislation to protect homosexuals from hate crimes? hmm.. let us think on this issue…
Romans Chapter 1: -
I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith.”
God’s Wrath Against Mankind
The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.
Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.
Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.
Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.
DOES THE WORD HOMOSEXUAL APPEAR IN THIS READING?
I do not know very many evil gay men and women, sinners, so to speak. Although I do know quite a bit of really good Christian gay men and women and some of them are clergy. I also know a fair amount of religious leaders, ministers, preachers and priests who would beg to differ with the hard line stance of religious extremist evangelicals. I know my husband and I are not sexually impure. Nor are we godless men, we are both faith filled men in good standing in our community. I don’t believe we are wicked either…
There is so much to say on religious evangelical beliefs. I am 40 years old and so I do know what everyone is talking about. Not a day goes by in my life today that I do not reflect on 40 years of wisdom, lessons and teachings. I am a Christian. And I live my calling every day. I could not lead anyone or help anyone else until I brought to Jesus what I needed to and I am “Right with my God” I maintain that Rightness daily through prayer and meditation. Through ministry and working with others. At this very moment I am listening to some contemporary Christian music as I write this. What I am is none of your business. That I am a man of faith should be your only consideration.
What I do in the privacy of my own home lies in the safe and capable hands of my husband, myself and our God. And we’d thank you very much for your acceptance of who we are rather than what we are. Christianity has become a special members only club of exclusion and judgment. I asked a certain blogger to write here and offer up his historical knowledge of the six sacred scripture that talk about homosexuality, telling me who wrote them, when the scripture was written, why those scriptures were written and to whom for what purpose. He has yet to do so, or any of the other people that are coming here from his blog to read this one.
Can you imagine that you would find me standing at an altar call after an intense Christian concert? That I would set foot near the cross and pray to God for forgiveness and his love? And you know, he’d give those things to me because I pray and I am just and compassionate and I live and love from the Right place in my heart. Can you imagine that when I was in high school, 10th grade to be exact, that I attended a One on One retreat and on that weekend I pledged my heart and soul to Jesus. I have pledged my heart and soul to Jesus every day that I live, in gratitude that I am still alive after living with AIDS for now 14 years. I am here, God is not done with me yet.
God, I offer myself to Thee–to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!
Living with AIDS so many years I have seen, witnessed and been a victim of the scorn of the religious evangelical church. I watched you throw children out on the street when they got sick. I watched you fire people from jobs, I watched you stop being human and become animals, all for the glory of God’s name. Because AIDS was the scourge directly from God as a punishment for our sins and wickedness… Yes, I have heard every word of damnation from every corner of Christian America, and tell you to get You behind me because you are not of God, from God or blessed by God either.
AND GOD WEPT…
Almighty God
to you all hearts are open
all desires known
and from you no secrets are hidden
Cleanse the thoughts of our hearts
by the inspiration of your Holy Spirit
that we may perfectly love you
and worthily magnify your holy name
Through Christ our Lord, Amen….
Talk to me about Christian Charity and living a Christian life. Let’s talk about what I did to help my Christian brothers and sisters, when You did nothing… shall we…
Angry Larry…
When I got sober there was a man with AIDS named Larry, he was a drunk like me. But he was unique. He sat with a bottle on the table and a loaded revolver to shoot himself. He carried that gun with him and showed it to every one of us, and he told us relentlessly that he was going to kill himself. He got sober with the rest of us. Over the years following his spiritual awakening, he did something that no one else thought to do.
People with AIDS were being left in the streets. Mortuaries would not process sick people, they would not touch a body that had been infected with AIDS. Families would not bury their children. We did that. Larry opened his services to the community and he became another champion of the cause. I knew him. He eventually got rid of the gun, so I heard.
For a few minutes during transition, I would warm up the smoker, fire up the turntable and start the computer so that I could worship my God to the music of my soul. I did that every night. I worshiped whatever was going to save me.
I was servant to the men. I was servant to my Master. I was a slave for God, be he dressed or undressed. You never saw God until you witnessed true beauty of the soul in all its carnality. There is something sacredly profane about this part of my life. What went on inside the temple stayed in the temple. Many months would pass and I battled my demons of alcoholism before I finally fell into the pit of death, and there happen to be somebody watching from the sidelines.
Danny saved me that night. He was the man who cradled me in his arms, oxygen mask on my face and had called the paramedics to try and revive me. Danny took me home that night, and did not leave my apartment for a week. He fed me, bathed me and cared for me, under that watchful eye of my Mater Todd. When the word was spoke, action was taken, and hell hath no fury if you did not jump when told to. Todd was very protective over his boys and men.
We were reminded that Todd had lost love to AIDS. Bob was buried across the street in the cemetery that faced our building. It was hard – it was painful, and it was sacred. Kevin and Larry did things for me that no man ever did for me in the real world. We were the three musketeers. We were the team to beat in bar management and service. We ran a tight ship and we were accountable, respectable and reliable. We proved a mighty force against the odds we all faced.
We fed the hungry, and we housed the homeless, we cared for the sick and we buried the dead, when Christians from all walks, the evangelicals who condemned us said that we were being punished by God for our sins. I lived a Christian life and I continue to live it daily, because of your inability to Love as God Loved and serve as God served, I condemn every one of you who condemned or condemn us…
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Moving on to Christianity and Catholicism and the Late Pontiff: Taken from my academic writing: Homosexuality, Sanctity and John Paul II. Donald Boisvert is my mentor, academic advisor and teaches religion at Concordia University in Montreal. I know this man, and have taken every course he has taught over the last four years. Academia was not wasted. I took full advantage of my time and I take my position here very seriously.
As a young man I idolized my Pontiff. He was a rock star Pope and he made certain impressions on millions of young people world wide. And as I grew up, I still respected the man for his station, because deep down, I loved the church. I loved my Pope. It was my goal as a young person to serve this man to my dying day, and pledge allegiance to his Church.
Just because I came out of the closet did not change the fact that John Paul was the spiritual leader of the Catholic Church, because the men of faith I grew up with accepted me with all of my flaws and subsequent illness, so I was not affected by Rome on a local level. In University, I learned much about my Pontiff, and I grew to love him more, even if I am critical of his papacy. What Religion Scholar is not critical of their leaders? It is my job as a student to look at all sides of the topic and present my insight as a gay man to others who might need some education on what made John Paul tick, what and who influenced his papacy and in the end, what shaped the papacy and life of John Paul II.
There is so much more we could talk about, and I am moving away from my original topic, so let us return to our discussion and move forward into meditations on Gay Men’s spirituality, we will look at the writing of my mentor and friend, Donald Boisvert.
In Preface Donald quotes Ronald E. Long, “A gay man is one who recognizes and lives by the ‘sacrality’ of masculine beauty and homosex. And ‘coming out’ is a gay man’s refusal to live a life that belies the sacrality of what he holds sacred.”[6] How we see ourselves as gay men, as Catholics and as men of God are as unique as we are individually. Donald believes that “Gay spirituality to be a form of religious expression and a manifestation of identity politics. For me, the two are not mutually exclusive.”[7]
I have cultivated and worked on my gay spirituality for over a decade since I am reaching that point where I can safely say that I have been out and gay for half my life today. It has not been easy and the study of religion with professors that have encouraged me to think ‘outside the box’ has only helped me in my quest for spiritual truth. In further reading of ‘Out on Holy Ground’ Boisvert writes:
“Gay spirituality is characterized by a spirit of defiance. In asserting the truth and viability of the gay religious experience, and in creating the conditions that allow it to assume a meaningful and treasured place in the lives of gay men, gay spirituality situates itself squarely in opposition to the orthodox religious norm. Though some forms of gay spiritual life may be very much tied in with more established churches, gay spirituality, as a whole, is transnormative. It may borrow blatantly and deliberately from a universal storeroom of religious symbols and rituals, but it posits a radically different understanding of the human body and of human sexuality, on the one hand, and of human relationships with the holy or with the sacred, on the other.”[8]
What is it we are called to be, men of faith, men of God, loved by the One who created us, in the face of disinformation and exclusion by Holy Mother Church. This is our ministry to reach out to those who find themselves outside the walls of holy Mother Church trying to find ones way into faith, by any route available. I believe that a faith component is integral to the life of every human being, gay or straight, male or female, young or old. To close out this episode of religious teaching I give you one last quote from ‘Out on Holy Ground,’ Boisvert writes:
“We return to our initial question: What is gay spirituality? In discussing its characteristics, we have examined how it consists of three elements in symbiosis: critical discourse, political action, and sexual affirmation. Gay spirituality reveals the ways by which gay men define, recognize, and assert themselves, not only as individuals having a religious dimension, but as beings whose very difference is the source of their spiritual and historical election.”.”[9]
I BELIEVE I have stated my case succinctly and stated my beliefs and I have even offered some of my academic writings to defend my position in this community. There is not one Christian man or woman on earth, clergy or evangelical who owns the right to judge who I am, what I do or how I live my life. If you want to preach to me, please do not waste your time. I know enough about real Christian life so please save it for someone who needs to find Jesus. I know where he is in my life… And I don’t need your judgment…
No man knows Gods heart. No man Knows what God thinks about a straight man or a gay man. A well man and a man with AIDS. No one speaks for God and no one has spoken to God as far as I know. But I TALK to my God daily, and until he calls me home from this earth I will go on with my Christian life and ministry because at the end, I want to hear my God say to me “Well Done good and faithful servant…”
God's Warriors Part 2 – Islam
Tonight’s offering comes via CNN’s presentation of God’s Warriors, Part 2 and the discussion of Islam, with Christiane Amanpour. Tonight’s presentation was truly eye opening. My area of study is not Islam, so I will share with you my observances from the documentary and tell you about my experience in my own community.
I have nothing against my Muslim community. I have never had issues with the Muslim community here in Montreal – let’s state that from the outset. I have no issues with the living of Muslim life and the practice of Islam as a religion. In fact, I have once written that Islam is truly a remarkable religious tradition because One Must LIVE Islam every day, every moment and every minute. You must observe the laws of the Qu’ ran and you must be a good Muslim and you must pray five times a day. Muslim life is very labor intensive but it is a way of life for millions of people around the world. Hence, I do not intend to make issue with the Muslim community.
If you learn anything about Islam, it is unlike Judaism and Christianity in its practice and requirements. Something I think Christians take for granted for Christianity is a one day a week observance. Unless of course you are a die hard Bible Thumping, Arrogant, Homosexual Hating, Abortion Abhorring, Judgmental 24/7 Evangelical Christian, I am sure you won’t be putting in hours of religious observance as a Muslim person does daily.
Many Muslims, like many people around the world, they “abhor violence.” it is said that militant Islamic violence is but a symptom of a greater problem. That this violence stems from the rage and anger of Muslims around the world.
“That for the extremist, it is an “Us versus Them mentality, that Christians and Jews are expendable.”
The split between the Shia and Sunni Muslim populations fuels the fire that burns in the Middle East and within Muslim countries like Iran, Iraq and Afghanistan. We know as fact today that in Iraq, ethnic cleansing of occurring. The split between Shia and Sunni Muslims is a raging problem, and the split between the two factions occurred when Imam Husayn was martyred: from Wikipedia
The Day of Ashura (عاشوراء transliteration: ‘Āshūrā’, Ashura, Ashoura, and other spellings) is on the 10th day of Muharram in the Islamic calendar and marks the climax of the Remembrance of Muharram but not the Islamic month.
This day is well-known because of mourning for the martyrdom of Husayn ibn Ali, the grandson of the Islamic prophet Muhammad at the Battle of Karbala in the year 61 AH (AD 680). Furthermore Sunni Muslims believe that Moses fasted on that day to express gratitude to God for liberation of Israelites from Egypt. According to Sunni Muslim tradition, Muhammad fasted on this day and asked other people to fast.[1][2]
The word ashura means simply tenth in Arabic; hence the name of the remembrance, literally translated, means “the tenth day”. Islamic scholars, however, give various explanations as to why it is thus called.
“It is also said that the conflict between the Christians and the Muslims will not end until one annihilates the other.”
It is with inflammatory statements like this one that gets the hair on the back of my neck to stand up. It is words like these that remind me that my world has changed. I am no longer insulated from World Issues in Montreal. I know who all of my neighbors are. I have Muslim friends and Muslim teachers. I for one, don’t want to see the world come to a conflict of annihilistic proportions.
For the extremist like Bin Laden and his followers and all those Muslims who fight against the infidel [insert here the U.S.] that the presence of American soldiers on Muslim holy ground is a “Sacrilege.”
Pictured above, Egypt. The beating heart of the Arab – Muslim world. What happens in Egypt trickles down to all the Muslim states in the Middle East. In a country that is oppressed and under rule – “Religion is the antidote to the secular government.” Islam is the cure for the secular government. It is the one thing that the people turn to. It is the energy that fuels the Muslim man and woman.
For the Fundamentalist Muslim, the “Secular state is one without moral purpose.”
Here once again, is another phrase that gets me uppity. I don’t think that I live a life without moral purpose, even if I am a homosexual and that is taboo is Muslim society. But I also understand the “why” behind the moral view of the West, where materialism and arrogance is something that they see from the West. Our lives are so different from those who are Muslim. These broad sweeping statements of conditional extremes would get any society up in arms about just how far the West is going to allow Islam and Muslim people to grow to a number that might facilitate the growth of Islam in a Western location.
Statistically, Islam is the fastest growing religion around the world, spread across the face of the earth. Islam, we know is a peaceful religion, save for the factions that are hell bent on creating chaos, destruction and death in massive proportions. The Iranian expectation of the coming of the Messiah is an apparent fact. The Iranian president is on a holy mission, so he thinks.
We have Iran, and the belief of the hidden Imam. Who is said to be kept alive by God and is hiding like the sun on a cloudy day. The Iranian president has also called for the destruction of Israel so that a Muslim state can be built on that land. I have my reservations about fanatical – Islamic speak and propaganda. Anyone who calls for the destruction of Israel is not someone who I’d support or give any credence to. Speak like this is terrifying and just plain insensitive and fanatical. And we should be wary of anyone who calls for the destruction of Israel. The world should be paying attention to this as they are today.
The Shiite belief that the hidden Imam will return and all will follow him:
“When the hidden Imam comes, Christians and Jews will be told to follow him and if they do not there will be problems. Then Jesus will be asked to come down and mediate and force us all to convert.”
Do we need to fear Islam as a religion? No, I do not think so. Do we need to fear Islamic religious extremism, Yes of course we do. We need to consider where we fit in the dynamic religious universe. Where do we fit on the scale of religious belief? And what can we do to change the hearts of the disenfranchised and those who are fed up with the West’s incursion into/onto Muslim land?
This is where I state my case against the Iraq war. The Mission has not been accomplished and millions of people have been killed, displaced and affected by a Western nation that went to war based on flawed intelligence and wrong ideas. I have never supported the war. Yet I support many of the Muslim writers who have shown us what this war has done to their lives as well the lives of so many others. The arrogance of the United States has put them in this situation, and now they are paying the price for occupation. I can understand why the Muslim world is so at odds with the West. They brought this on themselves. And the world watches this war continue and genocide is occurring as we speak in many places, but especially in Iraq.
And the world does nothing!! Are we responsible stewards of the people of the earth? The longer this continues the more death will occur, until someone comes along and says “ENOUGH!”
There are Iraqi bloggers on my sidebar, go read them. I know the truth about the killing of innocents, the sectarian violence and the ethnic cleansing going on inside the war that rages still.
“There are populations of God Warriors all over the world who see the world through a religious prism and they believe that modern society is trampling on their beliefs.”
What can we do to stop this trend of violence and hatred? Like I said last night the three monotheistic religions of the world are warring with their own and each other, and there is plenty of land to go around. There is always a solution if “ENLIGHTENED” political leaders would rise up and come to the table and negotiate a peaceful coexistent settlement.
Fundamental Islam tells us there are no solutions – that there is no negotiating. They they will conquer the infidel and change the face of the earth, the Caliphate must be installed and the world must bow and fall under the authority of Islamic rule and Sharia Law.
The killing needs to stop – and stop today! Or the world is headed for total collapse and do we want that to happen? Where do we draw the line in the sand and limit Muslim encroachment on all that the West respects as tradition and dogma?
Canada the True North standing free welcomes all, but even in Montreal we have issues of convenient accommodation for different religions. Canada is a very religious country, Quebec is very French – Catholic [Christian] yet people of all faiths live within our borders. We will not back down from our sovereign status and we will not bow to religious extremism. I will not bow to religious extremism be that Islam, or Christianity…
Tomorrow night will prove to be very exciting, because I will be writing on my major, Christianity. So look forward to that… I am sharpening my pen!!!
God's Warriors Part 1 – Judaism
God’s Warriors – CNN Site
Tonight on CNN – Christiane Amanpour began her series called “God’s Warriors.” I happen to watch the second showing late tonight here in Montreal. This first part covering the Judaism portion of the documentary was very enlightening.
Having grown up with World News as a nightly dinner time fare, I have watched the world change in my lifetime. Wars have been fought, millions have died and still to this day there is conflict in the Holy Land. I am only going to address this first portion of the program as Islam and Christianity follow tomorrow and Thursday. You can visit the site above.
I make no bones about this fact that I am pro-Israeli. This conflict, it is said could be tempered by the “correct political agreements” for all parties involved, if you watched this episode of Christiane’s report. She chronicles the debate, the conflict and the war that rages between the Israeli and Palestinian people to find, colonize and legalize states.
There is a great divide when it comes to the Holy Land as the three major world religions those being Judaism, Islam and Christianity are literally on top of each other in the old city. All three religious groups share common holy ground and all debate the rights of others to visit certain holy sites. This is made clear by the Jews who pray at the Western Wall and are not allowed to ascend to the Temple Mount held by the Islamic faith at the Dome of the Rock. The hallowed location – it is believed that the Prophet Mohammad ascended to heaven.
I am not known for my politics or my political writings because I don’t feel that I own the right to write political commentary on subjects that I am clearly not a master at. I guess I could write my observances as a writer to what I see. The battle for land has been going on since before I was born and this conflict will continue until leaders take the time to negotiate a proper settlement over land, holy sites and statehood. Leaders have come and gone, the few peacemakers of the past were assassinated by their detractors.
It just seems to me that there is enough land in the middle east to go around. The factions of Jewish warriors have made it their life’s goal to see Israel turned back into the land that they say “biblically” was theirs from history as the Torah speaks of. They take their stance from the Book of Ezekiel 37:14
I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I have done it, declares the LORD.’ “
I have spent my entire undergraduate career in University studying the world’s great religions from Christianity to Judaism, Islam to Buddhism and the far east Jainism back into my own back yard, religions of Canada and Native Studies. I have been granted a scholars gaze at the conflicts that spread around the world. Each major religion, speaking here of Judaism, Islam and Christianity hold certain biblical passages a doctrine and this, in my opinion, as well shown below is the basis for the ongoing conflict. Whether that be Jewish zealots and Islamic and Christian fanaticism. We are not immune to religious debate at Concordia University and we are not immune to religious conflict either.
There is a calm uneasiness on campus during the school year on the Mezzanine when groups rent tables to promote their views and clubs. In studying world religions, I was granted access to the many faiths on campus. I visited the Ghetto Shul for Passover and I attended Friday Prayers at the Concordia Islamic Prayer space in the Hall building. Attendance of these religious ceremonies was part of my studies and I am fully aware of what the facts are concerning land, statehood and jihad.
The conflict between the Palestinians and Jews is long standing. With the rise of Islam and the sad fact of jihad and terrorism, we stare down the gauntlet every day of our lives in many places in the world. This fact was driven home to me when I moved to Canada and began my immersion into community here. Montreal is a cosmopolitan city of millions of people who span the bredth of religious beliefs. I was forced at one point to make my choice of where I called home. I chose to become a brother of the True North Strong and Free. My education in religious conflict began when the United States declared war in Iraq. Living in Montreal gave me perfect vision of inner conflict in my own community.
Do you think that we all took this all is stride? That we did not march in the streets and did we not have continuous dialogue on campus and within all the campuses across Canada dealing with the common threat of war, revolt, terrorism and fanaticism? We faced all these things and much more. People in the United States, namely the south where I grew up did not see Islam make their presence known. I did not know a Muslim soul growing up but I had friends from other parts of the world.
Coming to Montreal was an earth shattering experience. I started university and began my journey into the world of Religious Education. It has been said of me that had I not been born a Christian, I would have been a Jew. And I contemplated conversion more than once during my university career. I love the three great traditions. I studied Judaism and Judaic History. So I am familiar with all the conflict in the Holy Land. We live with that inner conflict here every day. I am part of that conflict, representing the Christian branch of religious scholars now graduated. I use the term “scholar” very lightly, I am still a student of religion, yet above the fray, my degree grants me this title.
I took a unit on Islam, yet I failed the final exam and in turn I failed the class because I was stupid. That was the only “F” I have on my transcript. But this failure was the greatest opportunity that I ever had to learn something form the ashes of my failure. I met the most amazing man of faith – the professor of the class on Islam. He was a Sufi mystic. And he changed my life in ways that I cannot explain, but Islam is for tomorrow nights writing. Suffice to say, there is more to Islam than jihad and terrorism. I will expound on these ideas tomorrow.
There is always a solution, if all parties can come to the table and work out the fine minutiae and details of peaceful coexistence. It can be done, but in my lifetime?
That is the question the three faiths must approach, ask and solve…
You can read the report from News day.com:
We haven’t seen Christiane Amanpour in quite a while – in, oh, like 15 minutes or so. Flip on CNN and there she is, somewhere, though usually somewhere over there, in the war-torn world and far away from our safe, tethered and generally anesthetized lives. Outside of Anderson Cooper, Larry King or maybe Lou Dobbs, she is CNN’s most visible presence and someone who has amassed a pretty amazing body of work at this network over nearly 25 years.
If this doesn’t sound like a reasonable buildup for her six-hour tour of religious fanaticism that begins Tuesday at 9, then the fault is mine alone. “God’s Warriors” is an estimable achievement, even for a subject that has been relentlessly worked over by hundreds of scholars, journalists and book authors in recent years, including Amanpour herself. (It’s even hard to say how much of “God’s Warriors” has been strip mined by Amanpour before, although “Struggle for Islam,” which won her an Edward R. Murrow Award in 2002, addressed similar themes.)
But what’s special about “God’s Warriors” is the sheer totality of it. Over six hours, Amanpour and her team seem to capture the essence of a hugely important moment in world history, and with the exception of the title, do so without hyperbole or histrionics. It’s really the best of Amanpour – and really, dear, old, battered and much-maligned CNN, too.
“God’s Warriors” is about three world movements – though as you watch, you will probably want to come up with a better word to describe them. It’s about the religious zealotry that has forged so much of the global political landscape since the end of the Cold War. These “warriors” are fighting over radically divergent views while bound by some similar ones, too. In a paradox that unfolds over these hours, they are blood enemies on some obvious level yet strangely allied on another.
But Amanpour’s broadcast is far from comfort food. In a style typically restrained though never diffident, she explores the historical roots of these views that have become more pinched and close-ended over time. Offering no all-encompassing or compassionate solutions – at least in her reporting – the religious extremists are instead steeped in dogma and intolerance. Some of these “warriors” abhor violence. Others, of course, resort to it as a matter of course.
“What they have in common – Jews, Christians and Muslims – [is] the belief that modern society has lost its way,” Amanpour says in voice-over. “They say God is the answer.” (Tuesday’s broadcast is “God’s Jewish Warriors,” followed by “God’s Muslim Warriors” Wednesday and “God’s Christian Warriors” Thursday.)
What else do they have in common? Apparently an abhorrence for Britney Spears, who is made to represent Western culture’s over commercialized and oversexed ways. But West Bank militants are probably not deeply concerned about Spears’ recent car-ramming episode, although the “Christian Warriors” – evangelicals – haven’t exactly been advocating her album sales. The title itself is a silly stretch, too, placing under one all-encompassing catchphrase the kids at Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University with the kids at some madrassa in Pakistan learning how to lock and load AK-47s.
Get beyond these superficial flaws, and a richly layered broadcast unfolds. Tuesday and Wednesday’s programs are the best, and “Christian Warriors” is the most dispensable. Much of the material in that installment has been reported so often – from Falwell, whose interview with Amanpour was the last before his death, to Ron Luce’s Battle Cry, the evangelical youth crusade. – that it’s already numbingly familiar.
But Iranian-born, globetrotting, battle-hardened Amanpour is at her best in the Middle East. She seems intent on interviewing everyone – patiently, at length, and pointedly. Tuesday’s Jewish “warriors” were inspired by the Book of Ezekiel (“Ye shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers”) and refuse to be pried loose from their West Bank settlements spread out over 26,000 square miles. They’re fighting rear-guard with Palestinian militants and a frontline battle with much of the rest of the world, while some of their biggest allies are America’s evangelicals.
Amanpour also interviews author and historian Gershom Gorenberg (“The Accidental Empire: Israel and the Birth of the Settlements”) who questions the settlements’ legality. She presses Theodor Meron, former counsel of the Israeli foreign ministry, on a “top secret” memo he had once written claiming the settlements violated the Geneva Convention. (He sidesteps the question.)
Wednesday’s Muslim Warriors” is filled with dozens of interviews, too (former President Jimmy Carter appears throughout) and a long historic perspective. It begins with Sayyid Qutb, the Egyptian religious leader who inspired Osama bin Laden and Ayman al-Zawahri and died in an Egyptian prison 41 years ago. She tracks the story of Ed Hussein, a former London jihadi who later published a book on his experience (“The Islamist”). She also travels widely in Iran, where she attends a passion play with Shiite Muslims who weep openly over a 1,400-year-old story.
And her journey ends up in America, with a New Jersey social worker, Rehan Seyam – born and reared in Islip – who insists on wearing a hijab (veil) in public. Like many others of her generation, Amanpour reports, Seyam is more orthodox than her Egyptian-born parents.
But one of God’s warriors? Hardly. She’s squarely in the middle of society’s struggle between the secular and non-secular. The punch line to Amanpour’s story: Seyam and millions more like her are growing in number and have no intention of backing down.
Part 2 – Islam, Wednesday Night… Stay tuned…
Leona Helmsley Dies
by 365Gay.com Newscenter Staff
Posted: August 20, 2007 – 1:00 pm ET
(New York City) Hotel billionaire Leona Helmsley, dubbed by the media “the queen of mean”, died Monday at age 87.
Helmsley and her husband, Harry, ran a $5 billion real estate empire. After his death she became involved in a series of scandals including two high profile lawsuits by associates who claimed they were disposed of when she learned they were gay.
She was tried and convicted in 1989 on tax evasion charges. The highlight of trial was testimony from a former housekeeper who testified that she heard Helmsley say: “We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.”
Following release from prison she resumed her control over the real estate empire.
In 2003 a jury awarded a gay former employee $11 million in damages earlier this year when she was found guilty of firing him from his job managing the Park Lane Hotel because of his sexuality.
“Mrs. Helmsley started what I would call a really mean, really vicious homophobic attack campaign against me at the Park Lane,” Charles Bell testified as the trial.
He said she used derogatory terms to refer to gay men and testified that Helmsley’s attacks on him began three months after he had been hired by Patrick Ward, chief operating officer of the Helmsley organization, as general manager of the exclusive Park Lane Hotel on Central Park South.
The jury award was reduced to $554,000 on appeal.
Helmsley had met Ward in Florida in the fall of 2000. The aging billionaire become enamored with the 45 year old Ward, a former Miami optometrist. She brought him to New York to run her empire. But, when she found out he was gay she fired him too.
Ward also sued for wrongful dismissal.
In his court filings Ward claimed that he had “received numerous anonymous phone calls threatening me and referring to me in vulgar, homophobic epithets, at least two of which I believe were made by Helmsley personally.”
Ward said his caller ID showed the phone calls were coming from the Park Lane Hotel where Helmsley lived.
The court documents also alleged that Ward had received a threatening letter from someone connected to Helmsley.
“I received a bullet in the mail, as well as a copy of my employee life insurance policy from . . . Helmsley Enterprises with the ‘accidental death’ clause circled in ‘highlighter’ or lipstick,” Ward said in his affidavit.
But in 2005 a judge ruled that Helmsley was too old to be sued.
Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Walter Tolub said going to trial would be unfair to Helmsley, who was then 84. He said that Helmsley is a “woman of advanced years” who shouldn’t be forced to reconstruct the past.
Earlier this year, Forbes magazine estimated her net worth at $2.5 billion.
Helmsley died of heart failure at her summer home in Greenwich, Conn., her publicist, Howard Rubenstein said.
©365Gay.com 2007
Odds and Ends …
This is BIG news in Canada, and they wanted privacy, which is why I didn’t post it originally! We should congratulate them and the leaders who supported them.
Political Movers And Shakers Attend Gay Politician’s Wedding
by The Canadian Press
Posted: August 18, 2007 – 6:00 pm ET
(Cheverie, Nova Scotia) As a heavy rain poured down on this picturesque Nova Scotia community, Scott Brison made history Saturday by becoming the first MP to marry his same-sex partner since gay marriage was legally recognized two years ago.
The Liberal politician wed his partner Maxime St. Pierre at a ceremony in a small white church near Brison’s country home in Cheverie.
The ceremony was originally planned at the edge of a beach, where a large white tent had been set up, but it was relocated to a United church just up the road.
Guests included Liberal Leader Stephane Dion, former prime minister Joe Clark, former Liberal defence minister Bill Graham, former New Brunswick premier Frank McKenna and Liberal MP John Godfrey.
“Scott’s a good friend of all of ours and we’re pleased to be here to support him,” McKenna said before the ceremony, adding that the wedding would help further legitimize same-sex marriage.
“We were just mentioning on the way down that four or five years ago this would have been a very different event with very different reactions.”
Also on the guest list was former prime minister Paul Martin, who led the Liberal government that passed the same-sex marriage legislation.
Brison, 40, has refused to comment on the marriage ceremony and details were kept quiet by his family and friends, who were asked not to reveal anything about the event.
Residents in the area were playing down the significance of the wedding, noting that Brison has never defined his political career through his sexual orientation.
Just up a two-lane winding road from where the wedding was taking place, Pat Eldridge of nearby Canning said she is happy for Brison as she shopped at a yard sale.
“If they’re in love and want to be together, then that’s awesome,” she said. “Love is hard to find.”
Another resident who didn’t want their name used said: “To each their own. Everyone’s entitled to their own opinions and own way of life.”
Local restaurant owner Doris Hagman, who is a friend of Brison’s, said she was surprised at how quiet it was.
“I am surprised that it hasn’t been busier than on a normal Saturday morning,” she said as she prepared the lunch specials at the Avon Emporium.
Hagman, who wouldn’t say if she was attending the wedding, said she wouldn’t personally call the union a marriage, but she is still happy for her friend.
“I’m absolutely supporting him in anything I can do for him,” she said.
“He’s a very fair guy . . . he’s not just a politician who went through school to study politics and then goes into it. He knows economics, politics and social issues from the bottom and has not forgotten where he comes from.”
Cheverie is a small community of 200 or so residents in the province’s Annapolis Valley.
Brison is an MP with a national profile, having sought the leadership of both the Progressive Conservative and Liberal parties.
In 2000 when Brison was sitting as a Progressive Conservative in the Commons, he resigned his seat so Clark _ who was the party’s leader _ could run in a byelection.
Brison ran for the leadership of the Progressive Conservatives himself in 2003 before switching to the Liberals just days after it merged with the Canadian Alliance to form the Conservative party. He ran for the Liberal leadership in the contest won by Dion last year.
Earlier this week, Bob Stead, mayor of nearby Wolfville and a longtime friend of Brison’s, said there is little talk of the event in his Kings-Hants riding.
“I think for us it’s kind of a so-what kind of thing,” he said in an interview.
The executive director of Egale Canada, a national gay and lesbian advocacy group, said the wedding marks an important milestone for gay rights in Canada.
“It’s extremely significant,” Helen Kennedy said Saturday in an interview from Toronto.
“The more that we see people like Scott getting married, then it normalizes it in the mainstream, and hopefully there will come a day when it won’t be an anomaly, and we won’t care and Scott and others can marry just like anybody else does.”
Brison is the second high-profile politician this summer to marry their same-sex partner.
A few weeks ago, George Smitherman, Ontario’s first openly gay cabinet minister, wed his partner Christopher Peloso at a lodge near Sudbury, Ont.
Brison publicly acknowledged he is gay in 2002 and became Canada’s first openly gay cabinet minister in 2004 after he crossed the floor of the Commons to join the Liberals.
But he’s always closely guarded his private life, saying once that he is “not a gay politician, but a politician who happens to be gay.”
Brison crossed to the Liberals in 2003 before a highly divisive debate on the same-sex marriage bill in June 2005 that saw more than two dozen Liberals join with the Conservative Opposition in voting against the legislation.
After Brison’s engagement to St. Pierre was first reported by The Canadian Press in October 2005, Brison played down the social significance.
“I’m looking forward to the day when the idea of a gay or lesbian politician getting married is not a story at all,” he said at the time.
©365Gay.com 2007
Merv Griffin dies at age 82
By BOB THOMAS, Associated Press Writer
LOS ANGELES – Merv Griffin, the entertainer turned impresario who parlayed his “Jeopardy” and “Wheel of Fortune” game shows into a multimillion-dollar empire, has died. He was 82.
Griffin died of prostate cancer, according to a statement from his the family that was released by Marcia Newberger, spokeswoman for The Griffin Group/Merv Griffin Entertainment.
Griffin, who began his career as a $100-a-week radio singer in San Francisco, created the “Wheel of Fortune” and “Jeopardy!” game shows, soon moved on to become the featured vocalist in Freddy Martin’s band.
That led to a brief film career, in which he appeared opposite Doris Day and Kathryn Grayson, and later to a successful TV career as host of “The Merv Griffin Show,” which aired for more than 20 years.
His biggest financial break, however, came from inventing and producing “Jeopardy!” and “Wheel of Fortune.”
After they became the hottest game shows in television, Griffin sold the rights to them to the Columbia Pictures Television Unit for $250 million, retaining a share of the profits. He started spreading the sale money around in treasury bonds, stocks and other investments, but quickly became bored.
