Life with God, a Faith Journey
Micah 6:8
He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
In writing about the past in my last entry “diagnosis” I wrote a reflection on a book that I had finished reading, but if you were not looking for it specifically, you might have missed one crucial aspect of survival in my writing of that entry and including the text that I had read, that crucial missing element is God.
When you read some of the early AIDS writers there is one alarmingly missing part of the puzzle. Nobody speaks the name of God, nobody invokes the power of God, and nobody is going to church to pray. This is a specific aspect of my story that I did not forget to write about – but as I read my spiritual text “Life with God” as I lie in bed, I am remiss to let this go without addressing it here.
There is no doubt that the Christian Right has much to answer for for its treatment of the sick when it comes to people with AIDS, be they children, men or women. And there is no doubt that the “Church” with a Capitol “C” plays their own role of hatred as well. And we must also cite the evangelical preachers across the board for their fire and brimstone direct condemnation of people with AIDS as being “Punished by God, for their acts of sinful behavior.” And then there is the family unit of those who were sick who unleashed their very own brand of religious condemnation when it came to denying their own children when it came to AIDS and death. I would be remiss if I did not mention these specifically by name because you are all guilty as charged.
I never had issues with my faith when I got sick. Even when the world turned their backs on so many, when it came down to the nuts and bolts of survival, I truly believe within a shadow of a doubt that a Power Greater than myself was taking care of me. And I know that because when I got sick, I got sober at the same time, having daily contact with a power greater than myself in that precise time in my life paid out dividends. I prayed, my friends prayed, my community prayed. We all prayed.
Never once in much of Paul Monette’s writing does he mention church or prayer, although Paul and some of his contemporaries were involved with Ma Jaya in Los Angeles and in Florida. She was the leader of a community of people who did great things for people with AIDS, and she did for me as well. I would be remiss if I did not mention her here because I spent time on her ashram in Florida on several occasions after my diagnosis. She was very big on tv when on a particular late night show she would be seen speaking to a pair of parents who abandoned their son when he got sick and eventually died of AIDS and Ma was seen shaking a vial of ashes in front of them saying “how could you do that to your son?” That was what got me to seek her out and to know her because I too had been abadoned by my family.
Faith and Faith in God was a huge part of my life, my story, my recovery, and my survival. I must have done something right after all these years, to still be talking about this subject some fifteen years after the fact and I am still alive. Someone up there loves me enough to plead to God on my behalf. None of this goes unnoticed. I just thought it was important to talk about that part of my survival, because you just cannot survive on drugs alone. Because you can stuff yourself full of medication, but unless there is some conscious or unconscious action behind them, those pills are useless. If one does not put some power of grace behind the act of taking a pill, why take the pill to begin with?
There is a definite correlation between what the brain tells the body, the body eventually follows. So if you are sick and you bombard yourself with thoughts of death all the time, death is what you are going to get. And for some, death was the only conclusion to life and illness. There are just some things that happen that cannot be countered. Everyone is going to die at one time or another, and I know that God sees each and every one of us who suffers and he works to end that suffering, and sometimes, the end to suffering is death. No matter how much one prays or believes, if illness overcomes you, and for many it does, death is a foregone conclusion. But I lived…
When I moved to Miami in 1995, I returned to my roots of Holy Mother Church. I sought out the fathers of the cloth. I returned to the church of my upbringing, yes I was gay, I was sick and I was waiting to die. God had other plans for me. And I firmly believe that. I also firmly believe that Nuestra Senora Caridad del Cobre prayed for my soul, I firmly believe that Jesus walked with me, and that Mary prayed with me, and that God saw that I wanted to live because I was activly living my faith in the direst of situations. Death was imminent. I was supposed to die. At least that’s what the medical establishment told me, either they got it wrong, or God had other plans.
In moving to the Mercy Hospital Immunodeficiency clinic, that was a very Catholic institution. Because we lived in a very “Latin i.e. Cuban” religious and secular system of care. Many, if not all the women who worked in this circle were good church going, God fearing Catholic Women, who all had God’s ear. Not to mention the men and other doctors they served under they were quite the team of spiritually prepared warriors for God’s poor, downtrodden, and sick.
There was a faith component to our care. There was no denying it, there was no avoiding it, there was no disrespect, there was no question. Even the sick went to church, and when the sick could not get to church, they were visited by the Church. Now you couple sobriety and a power greater then myself, which I choose to call God, to this day, with prayer and sacramental living, you have one powerful energy machine for healthy living. And I know on those days when I found it difficult to speak, others were praying for me day and night.
Hell hath no fury like a group of faithful Cuban prayer people. We recited the rosary daily in any language you chose. We went to mass daily, and we received the sacraments. We were visited by holy men and women, we were even treated to spiritual retreats by holy men and women on the grounds of the Church of Our Lady of Charity, Caridad del Cobre. God saw us come, he heard us pray. And for many, they lived.
The one important thing I have to say for myself is that I lived.
I remember when I went to my church of my upbringing and I told the priests that I was sick and that they doctors has said that i was going to die, I remember holy men weeping, and telling me confidently that ONE, you will come to church, TWO, you will pray, THREE, you will see the face of God. They believed for me when I could not believe for myself.
I often tell the story of Father Jeff, a priest I met one Sunday who had MS, and he walked with crutches in and around and out of the church. He had no use of his legs, but he did have the use of his faith. And that day i watched him say mass that one Sunday, i knew I would never complain about being sick ever again. I would never become as jaded and cold to faith as many did before me. Many of my friends went to their graves cursing God because of what they had witnessed themselves in human beings who became animals, they, those cursed Christians who had not one word to offer the sick, but their vitriol of condemnation.
Still to this day, on this very blog, I get the odd Cursed Christian who thinks that I listen to their hatred and self righteousness. That I would even consider sharing their cursed comments with this readership. how wrong is that!!!
For many years, on Sunday nights, I would rush home to watch Touched By an Angel, and I have to say that I believe to this day that there are angels that walk the earth and that I am not alone, and neither are you. It would come to pass that this little show that could could be attributed to my good health. Because I believed and I prayed and I listened to a few angels who said, God loves you.
I guess that the spark of God never left me, even as a child, when my grandmother Memere presented me to God, that day in that church when I was just a boy, had a lasting affect on my life, even to this very day. Now, you want to talk about blind faith, mention to God the names Camille and Sister Georgette. They are both long since dead, Sisiter Georgette died two years ago August here in Montreal, Memere died a few years after I was diagnosed. They are two women I know have God’s ear.
I wanted to share this bit of text with you from “Life with God” pg 134, Foster writes:
“Life with God is an ongoing, ever changing, relational adventure. It is not a matter of being driven through life, stopping every now and then to get out of the car and see the surroundings. God invites us to climb into the landscape of our journey, to breathe deeply with full lungs, to feel blood pulsing through muscles doing what they were made to do, to experience the wonder of having a body with which to see and hear and smell and taste and touch of this astonishing world.”
We have the opportunity to incorporate the Streams of Living Water into our daily lives when we stop to ponder these sic paths together:
- The Contemplative tradition, or “The Prayer filled life”
- The Holiness tradition, or “The Virtuous life”
- The Charismatic tradition, or “The Spirit-empowered life”
- The Social Justice tradition, or “The Compassionate life”
- The Evangelical tradition, or “The Word-Centered life,” and
- The Incarnational tradition, or “The Sacramental Life”
I have discussed these six traditions with you last term when I studied Christian Spirituality, each of these traditions have their own entries on this blog, if you are so adventurous to go seek them out. Suffice to say that there is no life, without faith. And there is no faith without life. There are no words to speak to God in gratitude for all that He has given us, fortunate are we to share some time together here, in order that I might share my faith journey with you.
One of the things that mystifies my doctors today is my reliance on faith, when doctors who run by the book and by the numbers who are faced with patients that believe in God and have stock in faith, that seems to throw my doctor off the deep end. You can’t convince a scientist or doctor that faith plays a big role in the longevity of the sick. They say, what ever works, and for me what ever works.
May God bless you,
may his light shine upon you
and may the Spirit of God rest upon your heads and hearts.
This is the Night…
There are many scripture readings for tonights Vigil Celebration:
Gen 1:1-2:2 , 1:1, 26-31, 22:1-18, 22:1-2, 9, 10-13, 15-18 Exod 14: 15-15, Isa 54:5-14, Isa 55:1-11, Bar 3:9-15, 3:2-4:4, Ezek 36:16-17, 18-28, Rom 6:3-11
Genesis 1:1-31
The Beginning
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.
And God said, “Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water.” So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so.God called the expanse “sky.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day.
And God said, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear.” And it was so. God called the dry ground “land,” and the gathered waters he called “seas.” And God saw that it was good.
Then God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds.” And it was so. The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day.
And God said, “Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth.” And it was so. God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.
And God said, “Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky.” So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day.
And God said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, each according to its kind.” And it was so. God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.
Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, [b] and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”
So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.
God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”
Then God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food.” And it was so.
God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.
John 20:1-18
I quite prefer this reading of the Gospel story over Matthew from today’s reading. Because it speaks of the exchange between Mary Magdalene and Jesus on Easter Morning.
The Empty Tomb
Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. So she came running to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Jesus loved, and said, “They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don’t know where they have put him!”So Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. Both were running, but the other disciple outran Peter and reached the tomb first. He bent over and looked in at the strips of linen lying there but did not go in. Then Simon Peter, who was behind him, arrived and went into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, as well as the burial cloth that had been around Jesus’ head. The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen. Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed. (They still did not understand from Scripture that Jesus had to rise from the dead.)
Jesus Appears to Mary Magdalene
Then the disciples went back to their homes, but Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus’ body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.They asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?”
“They have taken my Lord away,” she said, “and I don’t know where they have put him.” At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.
“Woman,” he said, “why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”
Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”
Jesus said to her, “Mary.”
She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means Teacher).
Jesus said, “Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, ‘I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’ “
Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: “I have seen the Lord!” And she told them that he had said these things to her.
This is the night, that we recall the readings from the Old Testament, the stories of creation, the Exodus of the Jews from Israel and all the major readings that carry such great importance to us as Christians. We listen to these readings and we imagine ourselves back in those times, when God created the Heavens and the Earth, and we are with the Jews as the choirs sing “Go Down, Moses, tell ole pharoah, Let my People Go!!!”
Reflection:
Holy Saturday is best spent in quiet or subdued activity. The great mystery of the Triduum is beyond our comprehension or adequate response. We wait in expectant hope. Though we know that Christ has risen, there is a powerful ritual way of entering more fully into his Passover through death to life in the Easter Vigil tonight.
As we listen with the ears of our expanding hearts and respond in song to the stories of our creation and re-creation, our path to freedom, as we hear and feel the refreshing water of new life and open to the baptismal Spirit stirring in our embodied spirits, as we eat and drink the bread and wine of Christ’s body and blood with loving heart in union with all our sisters and brothers, we will be passing over in Christ to a richer renewed life in his Spirit.
“This is the night,” as we will hear in the Exsultet, the night that “will be clear as day..” The night that “dispels all evil … brings mourners joy… cast out hatred, bring us peace.” The night “when heaven is wedded to earth and man is reconciled to God..” Our hearts leap up in “the joy of this night” believing in Christ, the Morning Star, who came back from the dead, and shed his peaceful light on all mankind.”
No matter who we are, what we have done or not done during Lent or during our lifetime, this is the night to rejoice. Winter is over and gone; spring has come in all its fullness. God in Christ is victorious over sin and death. In Christ we are reconciled and will live forever. Alleluia!
Meditation:
As you go about your duties and interests today, let go of any anxiety-producing thoughts and drop plans to get involved in any more than you need to. As you become aware of thoughts pulling you away from your inner quiet, say calmly in your heart, “In you, O God, my soul is at rest; all my hope is in you.”
The Flow of Things …
I have always admired the way others see the world and what it represents to them and their children. So I am cross posting an excerpt from Cooper’s Blog so that you can share in the wonder and beauty of a father and his son. Read the entire post at Cooper’s Corridor.
A discussion between father and son, Dario 6 years old…
“…I am not a religious man. Nor am I a Christian. I am, however, spiritual. My own personal beliefs are perhaps a mixture of First Nations and Celtic druidism … the keen bond between nature and creation, the power of protection, the presence of mentors and healers, the use of music, storytelling, dance, and art as expressions of life, appreciation for the beauty and power of the sea, symbols such as light and darkness, a sacred relationship with trees, fire, stones, and other elements of nature, and an ability to move back and forth between this world and an “otherworld”.
When your heart and mind are open, very real portals exist to the unknown. Sweating, which is something I do yearly, is part of my spirituality, and helps me to reconnect my internal and external being as I experience what the Celtics referred to as the “thin places”, that wonderful sphere, unbounded by time and space, where all is possible.
I told Dario that heaven was the most beautiful place that each person could imagine in their mind, and that it was different for everyone. I explained the soul as “the part of you that makes you, YOU … that makes your mind think and your heart love.” I had also explained to him, that when you get very old, the parts of your body slowly stop working and you die and become a part of the earth again, and this is what happens to every living thing.”
Signs of Mystery…
John 9:1-12
As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”
Having said this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes. “Go,” he told him, “wash in the Pool of Siloam” (this word means Sent). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing.
His neighbors and those who had formerly seen him begging asked, “Isn’t this the same man who used to sit and beg?” Some claimed that he was.
Others said, “No, he only looks like him.”
But he himself insisted, “I am the man.”“How then were your eyes opened?” they demanded.
He replied, “The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see.”
“Where is this man?” they asked him.
“I don’t know,” he said.
During the next two weeks we will be reading selections from the Gospel of John, sometime described as mystical. In the New Testament the Greek word for “mystery” means “hidden” or “secret.” All the gospels, John’s in a special way, are designed to draw us into the hidden spiritual dimension of life beneath the surface of the text and concealed within our ordinary lives. John opens our eyes of faith to this divine mystery at work in us and our world by singling out seven special events of Jesus’ lifetime as sings of that work.
In today’s gospel reading John recounts the sixth sign, the cure of the man born blind. Jesus, “the light of the world” (John 9:5), counteracting the hostility of his disbelieving opponents, restores physical sight to this man, showing us that he is here to cure our blindness, especially that of our hearts and minds. Jesus confronts the Pharisees who doubted him and his healing actions saying that if they would realize and admit their own blindness — spiritual blindness– they too could be restored to sight.
But he says, claiming they can see reveals their sin remains (John 9:41). Today Jesus draws us into the depth of our everyday lives, inviting us to admit our blindness and to entrust ourselves in faith to the light of his life-giving Spirit as he lives, dies, and risen in us.
Meditation:
Today take some time to be alone and quiet. Close your eyes and focused in a relaxed way of gently letting your attention drop away from present externals, from anxieties about the future and regrets about the past. Pray confidently, “You are the light of the world, open my eyes to your light.”
Examen…
“Finding God in all things is a Now experience.”
I went to my Christian Spirituality class, empty, yearning for something, waiting for spiritual experience to hit me, because I have been in a dry spell for a few days, and I needed to hear the voice of God speak to me.
Always be careful what you ask from God, because if He thinks you are ready for the answer, it will come, and usually far quicker than you expected it to come. Tonight’s class lecture was from Richard J. Foster’s text “Streams of Living Water” and the chapter The Holiness Tradition, Discovering the Virtuous life. We had two guest speakers who spoke to us about holiness.
There were many things during this lecture that got my attention, or maybe, it was the fact that I was “willing” to find God in the very moment. At least, that was my perception. They had opened a box of “things” that each of us were asked to take one object from the box as the box went around the classroom. I happened to pick out a pack of matches.
Now with these assorted items taken from the box, we were supposed to share with a neighbor how this object represented something holy. Like I said, I had the pack of matches and the first thought that came to mind was fire. That fire that burns from a candle. Candles are central to my families ritual.
We have candles in our house we light every night, at dinner each and every night, we light candles, because we do not eat dinner in the dark or by lamp light. We light candles. We give candles away at holidays in the old Jewish tradition of sharing light with others. That was a great spiritual exercise for the entire class. Some got to share with the class what object they picked up and how it related to their lives. It was all very interesting to hear what they had to say.
I’ll share with you a story that was told to us…
Two men were walking through busy downtown Toronto. One man was a native Torontonian. The other was a farmer from Saskatchewan. As they walked down the sidewalk, the man from the prairie stopped dead in his tracks and said to his counterpart, “wait, I hear a cricket!” The other man said, “you’ve got to be kidding, how can you hear a cricket, in all this busyness?”
Sure enough they walked to a grassy spot and the prairie man turned over a few leaves and there it was, a cricket. The native city man was flabbergasted. Then the prairie man reaches into his pocket and drops a handful of change on the sidewalk, and every person walking in that area stopped to listen as the change hit the pavement. It is all in what you are listening for…
What are we listening for? Where ever you live, do you take the time to listen to your surroundings? Do you take nature for granted? Do you live in a concrete canyon like I do where it take a bit or time to find a green space and feel the grass beneath your feet. Where you live, do you take time to listen for the sacred, the sublime, the “It” so to speak.
And do we take the time to listen for it anyways? Is there time during our days that we stop to listen for it? Or do we need to find the time to stop and listen for it? My head was spinning, by this point and I was fumbling over the thoughts coursing through my head. We talked about “Liminal spaces” those in-between spaces where the divine might be found. A thought stopped me at that moment…
Do you want to know where I find time to stand in the liminal space? Well, it just happens to me, I have no control over it, it just occurs!!! Whenever I am in the bathroom either doing my business or showering or bathing, my mind wanders. I think about people, I see them cross my field of spiritual vision. Memories race through my minds eye. I cannot control it, and it isn’t as if I look forward to going to the bathroom. But for those brief 20 to 30 minutes, during my day, I have a conscious contact with something that I cannot see, or define, we laughed at this point in the class, that I was having ecstatic spiritual experiences in the bathroom!!!
It is amazing where people find time to pray or to be quiet. Some do it in the minivan on the way to an appointment or driving the kids somewhere. Some find time when they are doing laundry, when I was a kid, cutting the grass was a spiritual experience to me, because on my riding lawnmower, no one bothered me. I could be quiet for hours and not be disturbed. It was even better when I used to “walk” the lawn mower. Because walking in a circuit with silence as your friend was amazing. It is almost like walking through a labyrinth. Today people gather at holy places and they walk a labyrinth as a form of prayer. Where do you find time to just stop and be quiet???
One of the women who was speaking to us, was a teacher and she related a story about how she approached one of her classes. While the kids were rowdy and not paying attention, she would stop at some point of the morning, turn off the lights, she would gather the kids for story time, and in ritual form, before she would begin her story that day, she would don a “Story Shawl” and in that brief moment, the class knew that it was time to be quiet, and to listen. This story triggered another memory for me.
Many years ago, I have told this story in some form or fashion at some time or another, about my slip, and my dance with death, when I got beat up and ended up in trauma therapy with a very special therapist named Andrea. I was agoraphobic at the time and I would not leave my apartment because I feared for my life for many months. She taught me first to sit on the front porch at first, then after while I got the courage to walk around the block, which was progress for me. The end result was for me to be able to walk myself over to her office, which was close to where I was living at the time, in Miami Beach.
This was in 2000. And I had been introduced to Harry Potter. I was a broken 33 year old man coming off a tragic trauma that almost killed me, and I was headed for recovery at that point as well. Harry and I had a lot in common. Finally, one day I got the courage up to walk to her office to make an appointment. I walked into her office and it was like walking into Hogwarts. She had books, and toys and paper, and pictures and trinkets that she used with the kids she worked with. When she closed her door, she would don the “shawl of safety” and we would talk, I felt safe and secure. Our weekly meetings became ritual for the both of us. I was making progress, and she was assisting me in that healing process.
Where do we find safety? And when have we either met Jesus or were ministered to by Jesus, through the act of someone, just because?
A young boy was walking through the park one day, and on a park bench was a woman who looked sad and disheveled. The young boy sat down next to her and opened a candy bar. He gave her a piece, and they ate their chocolate in silence. The woman had began to smile. He broke off another piece of chocolate and handed it to her, and once again, they both smiled and ate in silence for no words were necessary.
The young boy set off for home, leaving the woman to go on her way. When the boy got home, he was smiling brightly and his mother asked him why he was smiling so much, and his reply was, “I just met Jesus in the park!” His mother just looked at him. The woman, on the other hand walked home and upon entering her house, was wearing the same smile, and her husband inquired as to why she was smiling so widely? Her response came “I just met Jesus in the park, and he was a lot younger than I expected…”
I spoke to the women during our break and I told them the story about when I was diagnosed with AIDS and I was told that I was going to die, at the same time, many of my friends were dying left and right. Many of those boys and men were thrown to the streets by family, friends and lovers, because they were sick and dying.
Hospital nurses and doctors treated us like pariah. Civilized human beings, became animals over night. Funeral homes would not prepare the dead, and there was no one to care for the sick and the dying. I was one of those people. Save for the man who saved my life, back then, I am grateful to be alive to tell this story: I joined a group of determined people who fed the hungry, bathed the dirty and cared for the sick and when they died, we cared for, bathed and buried them 162 of them I knew as friends…
Matthew 25:34-40
“Then the King will say to those on His right, ‘Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world.
‘For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in;
naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’
“Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink?
‘And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You?
‘When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’
The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’
Now at the end of our day we make our Examen prayer. It is now that we review our day and we ask the five questions:
- Begin with Gratitude for all that God showed you today
- Petition – We ask for God grace and insight
- Review – We review our hearts
- Forgiveness – we beg and we offer
- Renewal – What do I need for tomorrow?
What good have you done for another today, just because? And what good was done for you today, just because? What are you grateful for and what are you not grateful for? When today did your heart soar into the sky, and when did it fall into the pit of your stomach? Did you forgive all those who need to be forgiven, and did you seek forgiveness for something you may have erred on today? And finally, what did you not have today, that you might need for tomorrow???
Have a good night. Blessings on your heads…
The Holiness Tradition
Defining the Holiness Tradition:
- Holiness means the ability to do what needs to be done when it needs to be done
- Holiness is not rules and regulations
- Holiness is sustained attention to the heart, the source of all living action
- Holiness it not otherworldliness
- Holiness is world-affirming
- Holiness is not a consuming asceticism
- Holiness is a bodily spirituality
- Holiness is not “works righteousness”
- Holiness is a “striving to enter in” as Jesus tells us Effort is not the opposite of grace; works is.
- Holiness is not perfectionism
- Holiness is progress in purity and sanctity
- Holiness is not absorption into God
- Holiness is loving unity with God
We, you see, are terribly prone to settle for less than what God desires for us. We are glad enough for God to remove and irritating behavior from our personality (a sour disposition, for example), or a destructive addiction (like alcoholism), but it is a very different thing for him to begin restructuring our inner affections.
We may be willing to give up honors and possessions and even friends, but it touches us too closely to disown ourselves. And yet we simply must understand that God is seeking not to improve us but to transform us. C.S. Lewis writes, “The goal towards which [God] is beginning to guide you is absolute perfection; and no power in the whole universe, except you yourself, can prevent Him from taking you to that goal.
We are — each and every one of us — a tangled mass of motives: hope and fear, faith and doubt, simplicity and duplicity, honesty and falsity, openness and guile. God knows our heart better than we ever can. He is the only one who can separate the true from the false; he alone can purify the motives of the heart. But he does not come uninvited. If chambers of our heart have ever experienced the healing touch, perhaps it is because we have not welcomed the divine scrutiny.
The most important, the most real, the lost lasting work is accomplished in the depths of our heart. This work is solitary and interior. It cannot be seen by anyone, even ourselves. It is a work known only to God. It is the work of heart purity, soul conversion, life transfiguration.
Though we cannot see the work itself, we can detect some of its effects. We experience a new firmness of life-orientation. We experience a settled peace that we do not fully understand and cannot fully explain. We begin seeing everything in the light of God’s overriding governance for good. And, most amazing of all, we begin to feel abiding, unconditional warm regard for all people.
But believe me, God is determined to pursue this good work in us to the very end. C.S. Lewis observes, “The command Be Ye Perfect is not idealistic gas. Nor is it a command to do the impossible. [God] is going to make us into creatures that can obey that command. He meant what He said. Those who put themselves in His hands will become perfect, as He is perfect — perfect in love, wisdom, joy, beauty, and immortality.”
We could imitate the life of Christ down to minutest detail and still not be righteous. Our actions, in and of themselves contain not a single iota of righteousness. All the actions of discipleship do is place us before God so that he can begin to build the righteousness of the kingdom within us. Purity of heart, indiscriminate love, a peace that transcends understanding — these, and so much more, are the things built into the heart of the disciple.
I wish that this simple counsel did not sound so trivial, for it is a profound truth for our growth: stumbling is part of our growing. Our mistakes and failures teach us the right way to live — and that the right way is the good way. And after stumbling it is no small thing to start the beginning once again. We are learning that by starting again and again and again something firm and lasting is being built in us. The old writers call this something “fortitude,” and fortitude builds habits, and habits build character, and character builds destiny.
Everyone is called to Holiness of heart and life. Anthony bloom reminds us that “all holiness is God’s holiness in us: it is a holiness that is participation and, in a certain way, more than participation, because as we participate in that we can receive from God, we become a revelation of that which transcends us.
Excerpts from “Streams of Living Water” Richard J. Foster, pgs. 82-96
Last Night…
Last night I watched some tv and I found it enlightening. There was a show on the ONE channel about Rumi, the 13th century Sufi mystic, who I am familiar with from my studies. I am oft to wander into the mystical from time to time, to get away from dogma and rules of institution. Sufi Mysticism is a wonderful branch of the Islamic tradition. I have always wanted to attend a whirling ceremony and find myself free of the world wanting to whirl with abandon, each step a prayer each breath a meditation.
In the study of religious traditions, each branch of the religious has its representative mystical tradition. I have read many writings on the Christian mystics both male and female, those people who have had ecstatic visions and experiences of God and the Divine.
I also spent some time chatting with my friends at IMVU for a while. Over the course of chatting a number of my friends have asked me about my studies, and when I offer that I am in Theological studies now, they have responded with responses such as, “well I am an agnostic” and “I go my own way, I don’t believe in church or in anyone who tells me what to believe” and to each their own, I do not have any judgments of any persons path of belief or practice. Agnostic is defined as
“a person who holds that the existence of the ultimate cause, as God, and the essential nature of things are unknown and unknowable, or that human knowledge is limited to experience.”
I guess I have more than experience, in my studies and on my spiritual path. I think in my case, I have learned that one has to be open to anything when one seeks the Divine in normal everyday life. I have my issues with church too. Yet, I keep returning to the fount of wisdom that is my Christian heritage. I could not be parted from it. I do not want to be parted from it. The more I study, the more insight I learn about. There is so much to read, so much to study, so much to learn that there are not enough hours in the day to read and study, but I make time each night before bed to read and to pray.
We are supposed to be reading The Holy Longing, and we were asked to read the entire Gospel of Luke for Christian Spirituality. I am also working on A History of Christian Theology for my other class. It is a lot of dense academic reading. I spent a couple of hours last night reading the history of Judaism and Jesus in context to the Judaic traditions, and I find that the reading moves me. The fire that is lit within gets stronger when I read, I love Judaic tradition and literature and the Hebrew Scriptures. It has been said that if i ever left Christianity, I would certainly become a Jew.
Over the last few years I have studied Jewish tradition, and scripture as part of my Christian studies. In reading the history of Judaism we learn insight to the movement of Christianity that stems from the Judaic tradition, as Jesus comes on line as the Son of God and the teacher to the multitudes.
I ended my night studies with my bible in hand and the Gospel of Luke. And at the end of the 6th Chapter we come upon these words: Luke 6:46-49
“Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say? I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”
I would hope that I have built my house on a solid foundation and that I hear the words and I put them into action for myself and for you. I also found it wonderful to revisit this Gospel because we have either read or heard the stories about the annunciation to Elizabeth and to Mary, The Angel Gabriel is a very busy man… But also I thought to myself in reading that “do you know who the twelve disciples are?” This was a quiz question in one of my biblical studies class, so I stopped to ponder the passage about Jesus’ calling of the twelve: Luke 6:12-16
“One of those days Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray, and spent the night praying to God. When morning came, he called his disciples to him and chose twelve of them, whom he also designated apostles: Simon (whom he named Peter), his brother Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James son of Alphaeus, Simon who was called the Zealot, Judas son of James, and Judas Iscariot, who became a traitor.”
We have read the bible passages and studied biblical history and I have studied the Gnostic Gospels now, and now we may know that Judas Iscariot was really not a traitor, if you take his Gospel as [possibly true] that Judas played a role in the crucifixion of Jesus, but in reading his Gospel, he was complicit in Jesus’ life role. Every time I read biblical scripture against what I have learned so far in my studies, my bible is enlightened, with the specific knowledge I have massed on any given biblical personality.
I find it incredible that in reading scripture that I can actually recall knowledge that I have collected over the years to fill in the gaps in biblical stories with The bible is not just a book that we read on Sunday or we quote when necessary to show our egos over others who may not be a learned as we. The more I study other texts, the more informed my biblical reading is.
Add to scripture study, my reading of fiction and non-fiction books over the years. I was, at one point, moved to read Anne Rice’s Christ the Lord, Out of Egypt, where she tells the story of Jesus as a child, in those years where he is absent from biblical writing. We do not know what happened to or what Jesus did during his childhood, until his public ministry began in his thirties.
We know that he was baptized and presented in the temple and that he spent time in the temple talking with the teachers there, but we don’t have a full account of Jesus’ childhood. Anne Rice offers us a window into a possible scenario of how Jesus grew up and what he knew as a child and as well, what his mother Mary knew about him and his abilities as a young child. I have seen on tv, shows that have touched on these topics in the last few months. All of these readings lend to my studies of Christianity.
So I was sitting in bed reading my bible last night, and I thought to myself, I needed to read this again, in full measure. I love my bible, and my studies.
These are just some thoughts on my studies as they move forward…
Thanks for reading…
Jerome – Cosmology …
In Jain cosmology, the heavens are set up in a multi level system with the lower heavens and the upper heavens.
Jain Cosmology from Religion Facts Online
Jains believe that the universe and everything in it is eternal. Nothing that exists now was ever created, nor will it be destroyed. The universe consists of three realms: the heavens, the earthly realm and the hells.
There are seven levels of heaven in Jain cosmology. The top level, “the Realm of the Jinas” is reserved for liberated souls. The next level down is the realm of the gods.
The earthly realm, or jambudnoa (“Continent of the Rose-Apple Tree”) is divided into seven regions by six mountain ranges. Deliverance and religious merit is possible in three of these regions: India in the south, airavat in the north, and mahavideha in the middle.
The eight hells become progressively colder as they go down.
**********************
I had a visual dream today about the heavens. It was multileveled like Jain cosmology, yet it has a very Buddhist twist. I was standing on this plane, and I was taken up to the next plane of existence. I understood that when you die on one plane, you move to the next in an ever present ever changing world of existence.
Each plane of existence was not so much grander than the one before it, but there were clear differences in them as you moved from one level to the next. I was told that you cannot move between the existence planes or influence what was going on below. I had the ability to see cities and towns, and move from place to place, and space to space. I found myself navigating through apartments and gardens. I was able to move from one level [plane] to the next as if floating between the spiritual levels.
It was a technicolor dream of grand proportions. The colors were vivid the sky was bright blue and the temples were incredibly amazing with their sculptures and decorated statues and gardens. There was life and there was death.
I looked upon a calendar like structure, it was almost as if each life was documented and as the soul moved through each plane, they would come to the time where they would leave [each] plane of existence moving upwards towards the uppermost level. At the end of your time of existence on each plane there were temples to celebrate your life and mourn your death.
I do not know if there was an earthbound soul that corresponded to a spiritual soul making their way up through the many spiritual levels, rising to the top most level of shrines and gardens. I could not see below, I was focused on what was going on around me.
You exist on each level in successive and once you complete your time on each level you die, and that is not a bad thing. Eventually you end up on the final level where you find a huge temple with a gigantic Buddha and lakes and rivers, and temples and places to live.
I am familiar with Jain cosmology and with Buddhist tradition. They do not share the same afterlife cosmology which is strange because what I saw was very Jain, but what was the Buddha doing there? Jain and Buddhist tradition are very similar in many ways as when I studied Jainism, Buddhist writings were consulted.
Gratitude
“If I profess to a spiritual man on the inside, I must be that spiritual man on the outside, for if I am not, then I am a lie, and I would not be true to myself or my spirit.”
I went to have coffee with my friends, like I do every Tuesday. I set up the meeting like I do every Tuesday. I spent time with the people that matter the most to me in my sobriety. I take time out of my schedule each week to stand and be counted amongst my friends walking this path into sobriety. We are all on this journey we call life, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part…
I have tools in my trusty little toolbox. Several themes have been recurring over the last month that I took notice of today when I shared at the meeting. Staying in my day is at the top of this list, living in the moment comes in second, gratitude third, and humility fourth. Next comes I am not God, and I don’t have all the answers, but I do have some.
I am reading again, “Many Lives Many Masters” by Brian L. Weiss once again. For some reason I have been drawn to this text again. Am I learning my lessons? Am I making karmic headway into my commitment to this life I am living? Am I sharing what I know with all of you to the best of my ability? Am I a good steward of my peers? What lessons are left for me to learn on this earthbound plane? And what am I missing?
I’ve never been this Sober in my life. I’ve never felt so free as I feel today. I’ve never been this sober for so long in my life, and I would never give this up for all the booze in Montreal. I have learned so much over the last six years and I’ve written about this journey over the years for you to read and to maybe identify.
Then little things start to happen when you least expect it. The work that you do day in day out pay off when one of your readers comes back to say thank you. That it made a difference that I reached out a hand to someone in the dark and offered my candle to them, and we walked, and that I had that kind of impact on one of my readers, that is what we call “grace.”
Through the vehicle of sobriety I am mindful of others on the path. Through my study of religion(s), I know that we are all on the same journey, for all of us are born of a tradition whether we name it or not. Whether we embrace it or not, we are all born into a tradition. And I have been heard to say that if I was not a Christian I surely would be a Jew.
There were times on this journey when Judaism spoke to my heart and beckoned me to hear her. She has a beautiful voice, sweet and warm, welcoming and embracing. I have mentioned recently that one of the most moving times in my life over the last five years was spending Passover at a shul here in Montreal, during my religious studies.
We all follow the same God, no matter what you call him or her. We are all born of the creator, formed from the breath of that god and formed by his hand, he knows us and loved us into being and he counts every hair on our heads and he counts every tear that we shed. How many of us stop to thank that creator for watching over us and loving us?
I find that in being one of you, that I want to become more of you. Life is Life is Life, we cannot change the past, but we surely can influence the future. If there is something we must learn, then learn it. The quicker the better, because suffering in that area will end.
If we are repeating mistakes, then it is a forgone conclusion that we need to change that way of being, so that we start learning new lessons. Because until we learn all the lessons we need to learn, we will not leave this mortal coil, and move into our next emanation. It is written that many of us reincarnate together, that we have agreed to be here in this life together. That we knew each other in a past life, and we signed on for this journey before we got here together.
One of my professors of Buddhism once told a class of students, that I was part of that semester that as she looked out across the room, she said that what an amazing group of people, that we chose to be together in that room, in that class, for a specific reason. That we were destined to walk together at that point in time.
I like to think that every person on my read list is part of my journey. We agreed to be here together, that we have lessons to learn from each other, and that if we don’t reach out a hand, that we might miss something that we are supposed to learn or know about us or anyone else in our respective read groups.
I am reminded of this bible passage from the book of Luke 17 :11-19
Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!”
When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed.
One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan.
Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Was no one found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?” Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.”
We all have our issues, our illnesses, our own problems, big and small, I for sure have my own concerns, but you know, it ain’t that bad. I could be a lot worse. I could be as sick as I once was.
But when “They” came for me and took me to that place some years ago, and “They” told me that I would be healed and that I would live, I believed “Them,” and so it was. And when “She” came to me and wrapped her arms about me and “She” soothed my aching heart because I prayed to “Her” I was healed, body and soul. I have always tried to remember gratitude. It is something I teach all of you too…
I don’t know what to say except thank you. Thank you for coming to read, and for being part of my journey. Maybe you will understand some of this message and maybe some of it will speak to your journey. Maybe we are to be awakened to see others on the path, and maybe we are being called to reach out and touch others however possible. We are all on this journey, and isn’t it better to walk together than walk alone.
We are all blessed to be here together, and we are called to be here together. We are called to be fishers of men, spreaders of the good news. And by that I mean, we may not ascribe to one gospel or one teaching, but we must share what is good in our lives, with whom ever will spend some time with us.
We all carry a gospel within us, we all carry a tradition within us, whether we acknowledge it or not, whether we respect it or not, whether we want to or not. Each of us is a walking memory of tradition, for we all live and breathe and as so long as we do, it is our calling to share that tradition with others, because it is who we are.
Life is Life is Life, and if life was too easy, where would the challenge to live come from? We are called to do the best that we can with this life, even in our own suffering. And for a moment I reflect on this teaching from the Late Pontiff John Paul II:
From: Rise let us be on our way, where he speaks about suffering.
“I have always been conscious of the fundamental importance of what the suffering contributes to the life of the church. I remember that at the beginning the sick initiated me. I needed a lot of courage to stand before a sick person and enter, so to speak, into his physical and spiritual pain, not to betray discomfort, and to show at least a little loving compassion. Only later did I begin to grasp the profound meaning of the mystery of human suffering. In the weakness of the sick, I saw emerging ever more clearly a new strength – the strength of mercy. In a sense, the sick provoke mercy. Through their prayers and sacrifices, they not only ask for mercy but create a “space for mercy,” or better open up spaces for mercy. By their illness and suffering they call forth acts of mercy and create the possibility for accomplishing them.”
So we walk together and we suffer together and we lift each other up and that is our calling to the world. No matter how hard life gets, there is a purpose for each of us to bear our crosses, even if we hate them or how bad we want to rid ourselves of them, they are with us, and if we are walking together, then when that cross gets too heavy, one of us will help you carry it. And when we cannot walk another step, it will be God who carries us.
You never know when something you write will speak to a reader and to that end, I am grateful for the opportunity to write for you, to uplift you, to pray for you and to be your friend, even if we are miles apart, I think about each and every one of you every day as I run through my reads, every day. It humbles me to think that this little blog has become such a wonderful tool to reach out to you and to maybe help you, or bring a smile to your face, and even if you roll your eyes at me when i get preachy like this, I know that you will keep reading because once you start, you cannot stop. Because maybe at the bottom of the page there will be a tidbit for you, a piece of wisdom you might need, a prayer you might need at the moment. A light that you might need in your darkness.
There is the custom at Hanukkah of lighting the candles and the significance of the candles to the amount of oil that burned in the temple. At Christmas it is a custom in my house to give light [a candle] as a gift, because we are to spread that light where we can. With that thought I will close this post, with a simple: Thank You…
I hope that this holiday brings you all that you wish, all that you need, and all that you hope for. Goodnight from Montreal.
He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
Micah 6:8
Many Lives Many Masters
According to most writers, groups of souls tend to reincarnate together again and again, working out their karma (debts owed to others and to the self, lessons to be learned) over the span of many lifetimes.
Our task is to learn, to become God-like through knowledge. We know so little. By knowledge we approach God, and then we can rest. Then we come back to teach and help others.
[Catherine] “I have been to different planes at different times. Each one is a level of higher consciousness. What plane we go to depends on how far we’ve progressed…What have you learned???
That we must share our knowledge with other people. That we all have abilities far beyond what we use. Some of us find this out sooner than others. That you should check your vices before you come to this point. If you do not, you carry them over with you to another life.
Only we can rid ourselves of the bad habits that we accumulate when we are in physical state. The Masters cannot do that for us. If you choose to fight and not rid yourself, then you will carry them over into another life. And only when you decide that you are strong enough to master the external problems, then you will no longer have them in your next life.
We are given intuitive powers we should follow and not try to resist. Those who resist will meet with danger. We are not sent back from each plane with equal powers. Some of us possess powers greater than others, because they have been accrued from other times. Thus people are not all created equal, But eventually we will reach a point where we will all be equal.
Excerpts from Many Lives Many Masters by Brian Weiss M.D.
Emotions …
There is a bank of Fog hanging over the city at 2:31 in the a.m. a good place to start writing for this entry, the tunes are loaded and Seal is singing…
My friends will tell you that I am a pretty emotional man, that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I will probably give you the shirt off my back if you needed it. I have learned many things in forty years of life. I work very hard at maintaining friendships and that the people I hold close to me are a chosen few. I don’t usually allow outsiders into my circle without you first proving that you can step up to the challenge of loyalty and trust.
In as many years of life, I have banked a few twenty four hours in recovery to tell you that emotional sobriety is as important, if not more important that physical sobriety. Because if you are not emotionally sober, you can’t stay physically sober. And the maintenance of that sobriety is important for me. I can’t flip on my emotional switch and just turn it off like some can. Because, I am just a feeling kind of guy.
I work very hard at helping my sons grow into upstanding, right young men. I also work very hard at helping my husband evolve in his own special way, because he requires that special attention, being emotionally challenged. I protect him fiercely and I love him dearly because I learned how to take care of him from nothing at all, when doctors told us that he was sick and required massive medications to keep him sailing on the big ocean of life. I became the one life preserver that he could always rely on, twenty four hours a day and seven days a week.
At forty, I am acutely aware that time is fleeting, “tempis fugit” time flies, and if you don’t pay attention to time, and it escapes you without notice then, you have missed part of life. I don’t offer my counsel very often, but when I do, you should at least stop and read what I have to say, because somewhere there, is buried a piece of wisdom I am sure you might want to have in your toolbox.
If I could turn back the hands of time, I would take it, if only for a day, an hour, if I could choose what period of time I wanted to return to. But you cannot go backwards, only forwards. I also know that at my age, that I can not return to ages past without a pay out of emotion or physicality.
Being HIV positive for so many years has afforded me many lessons. I am a trusting person and I usually offer you the benefit of the doubt on the first go, if I deem you necessary to be near me. We are all teachers and we are all students, so I don’t usually dismiss people from my circle unless you seriously piss me off or insult me as a man, a writer or a human being. Because if you do that to me, then I know that you were not meant to stay in my circle to begin with. I feel deeply and I mourn hard, and I love in ways mere mortal men and women would never see, having seen the horror or benefits that I have in forty years of living.
Some people call me crazy, that I have a program of recovery that I am the odd man out, when it comes to gay issues, culture or relationships. I beg to differ. All lessons afforded men and women are universal. We all need to learn basic principles. And we all need to know how to live with each other and with ourselves. If we do not master our emotions and our feelings, we will be walking talking time bombs willing to spout off when we are triggered. Sobriety teaches me that I am responsible for my words, my actions and my deeds. That if I share some piece of wisdom with you, I must speak from experience and tell you where I have been and be able to provide you a road map of why I am speaking these particular words to any of you at any given moment of the day or night.
I practice responsible writing: Therefore, If I give you advice or wisdom, it has to be right, good and comes from the place in my heart where meaning and care reside. I’m not going to give bad advice, because if i do, and you fuck up after hearing something that I say, then I am responsible for that. I try, each day to be a good writer, and a good person.
I read blogs every day. There are about NINETY reads on my list, that I read daily. It is safe to say that I have spent the better part of a year now, reading your respective blogs on my sidebar over there —>!!! And I probably know you better than you know yourselves, because I read daily, and watch you come and go, and write and feel. I watch you battle with HIV, Depression, life and I read some blogs where I clearly know that you are people you know battle the wicked addiction, but who am I to call you a drunk? I stay away from sick people, because I get to wrapped up in your drama and that is bad for me. So I stay away.
As of late there are some reads where I know for a fact that some men are clearly in crisis for one reason or another. And so I offer counsel from a wise position. I have a fellow journeyman who is in a crisis and I offered this advice, I thought that it was useful to the rest of you as well so here it is:
You’re having problems, and I can see that. I wonder if you are going through what I am going through? I just turned 40, and I am anxious, preoccupied, but not enough to start dosing with medication. (On top of my hiv/depression meds) But it seems over the last month my biological clock is ticking and I want to jump out of my skin.
The one difference is – I don’t drink…
I don’t use either, I can’t as a test patient for the clinic.
Are you dousing more than usual, and to excess? Honestly, I can read…
I know what it is like to be the life of the party and the next day walking away from it, and I faced the problem that I just cannot go on doing this to myself, because I am killing myself slowly for sure, and I’ve faced my death many times over in the last 15 years. You might have good friends, but are they willing to see that something is not right, and want to help you find the cause and maybe stop.Are we getting old and insecure to the point that we are feeling anxious and nervous? Because we have lived so long that at some point our subconscious starts waiting for the other shoe to drop? That at some point we might up and die? I don’t know what you are thinking or how your brain works, so I offer you what is going on in my head at times.
In order to get a handle on everything we have to look at everything, alcohol has this effect on the brain the more you douse it with the drink. With your family history of depression, the odds are stacked against you, and I have those issues too. But I have a program of recovery to help keep me sane and on track. I work very hard at taking care of me as a test patient the odds are always against me should i fail a regimen that I am testing. You want to talk about performance anxiety!! It takes a lot of work to look beautiful at 40, I am not the spry pretty chicken I was at 26 when this all started.
Ask yourself if you are missing something, if you need a change, or is it time to do something different. Hell, we both live with this disease, at some point we might get to the point of “What about me?” Maybe you need to change something that may be insignificant, or maybe quite possibly significant.
What are you doing that you should not, and what are you not doing that you should?
We cannot change the past, and though you need to know that the past only affects your present if you allow it to. Family medical history and timeline need to be taken into consideration when treating HIV as we are older and we start facing those issues our parents did.
If you are feeling not quite yourself, then a review of self and conscience should come next and listen to someone who can look from the outside who might see something that you might not want to or are ready to.
I’ve been reading you for over a year now, and I give a shit, that you live …
And I worry for you that you might get so scared enough (or paralyzed enough) to throw in the towel, and that would be a shame.
At some point we take an inventory and are ready to face everything we need to with courage knowing that we are not alone. I read, and I care enough to tell you what I have observed over the last year. From an outsider’s point of view.
Stop and listen to your heart and hear what it is saying to you, before you go crazy.
Ecclesiastes tell us that there is a time and a season for everything on earth. Here is that reading:Ecclesiastes 3:1-22…
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.
Whatever is has already been,
and what will be has been before;
and God will call the past to account.
And I saw something else under the sun:
In the place of judgment—wickedness was there,
in the place of justice—wickedness was there.
I thought in my heart,
“God will bring to judgment
both the righteous and the wicked,
for there will be a time for every activity,
a time for every deed.”
I also thought, “As for men, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. Man’s fate is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath; man has no advantage over the animal. Everything is meaningless. All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. Who knows if the spirit of man rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?”
So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot. For who can bring him to see what will happen after him?”
We should be mindful of all these things and remember that we are all on this path of life and we each share a stake in the endpoint of enlightenment. Because we all want to get there, with the least amount of pain or harm. With this said, there is a time to say, I have grown and I need to grow, but in order to grow I might have to make some changes, unless I want to hasten any myriad of circumstances to befall me. We are no longer children, we are all men. Some of us are much younger than me, a few of my reads, and you have not yet begun to live. So I offer you cautionary tale of what to avoid on your journey, that which will harm you, or cause you pain.
I can tell you about the road as I have lived it, and I offer this advice to anyone who wants to sit a listen to an old man ramble on his tales of loss and most importantly of TRIUMPH.
I welcome every reader who comes here, and I caution you, if you engage me, be prepared to be expected to be responsible and mindful that I am as fragile as the next person you read. We all have feelings and hopes and dreams. We all have expectations, and as a sober person, I know the detrimental harm that an expectation can wreak havoc on my life. If you come here and stir the pot and you give me reason to trust you and to listen to you beware that I have invested in what you brought to me.
Like I said above, I cannot turn my feelings off like throwing a circuit breaker. Once I start warming up and my heart engages, I am going to come to full steam before I know it, and full investiture is usually a forgone conclusion. If you start the pump don’t walk away and leave me foundering for another word, don’t fill me with hope then not follow through. Do not ask me to engage or reengage without knowing that a forty year old HIV positive man’s heart lies at the end of a very tight rope.
I did not pick my readers, you chose to come here and read, and that was your choice. So I will tell you that tonight, once again, my heart weeps because I am dealing with the hope of expectation, and once again, those who engaged me have fallen silent for some reason, although traffic to two certain posts is still running at this hour, so someone is reading them, I know that at this hour. If I pull down the entries, I would be running the risk that someone who needs to read those entries will not be able to. So they stay up.
Needless to say, if a resolution does not come – I must move on with my life, and wish you well because I cannot emotionally afford to be reengaged like an old motorcar, who has been sitting is a dusty garage for the last seventeen years. I have evolved enough today to know that I cannot go back, but only forwards. I wish you understood the mind of a sober person and I can’t explain it any further.
I am a hormonal emotional mess as of late and my biological clock is ticking and we are going into a full moon, and I am on the upswing, so any emotional output that come out of me today, is going to be fully high octane loaded, and to be let down in this very crucial and delicate state can wreak serious injury to me emotionally and mentally. But in the depth of my heart I want to know you, to be part of you, to love you and be your friend. You know who you are, yet you stay an arms length away. Why? I am not going to hurt you, maybe I can help you if you will give me half a chance.
Fare warning. The fog has lifted on the city and I can see clearly out the windows once again. A snow storm is brewing on the horizon and it should be an eventful white end to our week here in Montreal. Come walk with me and be my friend, please don’t keep me in the dark any longer because I cannot stand the pain. At some point if this pain is not stopped, then I must brokenheartedly walk away and not return. Please tell me that this emotion that I am feeling is not wasted on a ghost. I don’t think I can take the heartbreak of it all.
You may not gather the depth that many of those posts in pages have cost me emotionally to write, and if they have drawn you here and you rub me in that way, by engaging from that atmosphere, know that you are rubbing parts of me that will illicit immediate response. Living my life came with pain, tribulation and heartache. We do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it, so I don’t. Everything that I have written is true and comes from my heart. Do not play with my heart, because I wear it on my sleeve and if you break my heart, you will never be forgiven… Fare thee warned well…
Please for the love of god, do not ask me to talk, then leave me in the cold. Silence is the greatest torture another person can punish a soul with. Silence also gives consent. So I am speaking my words to you from the depth of my heart. My Master, many years ago taught me a very important lesson about expectations, and SILENCE. Do not ask me to endure your silence one more day, because I just cannot bear the pain of knowing you are out there, and you decide to shut down and give me the silent treatment. If you are a man you will answer my heed, and pay attention to my call.
If today you have a chance – please talk to me. The silence is killing me. And I cannot bear that pain much longer, it will cost me too much to carry this feeling much further. You may not know how deep you have cut into my soul by your invitation to dance. I want to dance, yet you stand in the darkness, just beyond my vision and my grasp. You tantalize me and you tempt me, you beckoned me and I was willing to entertain you, please respond to my call, do not let this day end without some word …
It is time for me to rest. My day is ended, and I am all written out…
Goodnight Danny, the ball is in your court. Play the next volley, for the love of God.
Do You Believe ???
Last night on Coast to Coast am, we heard Sean David Morton talk about the future. I stayed up all night to listen to this show and I moved in on the Mayan Calendar information that he shared with listeners. If we are to move forward in our evolution here, maybe we should be listening to those men and women who are showing us the particular sign posts that we should be paying attention to.
Sean David Morton is one of the most respected futurist and remote viewers to participate in the Coast to Coast Radio show. Which can be heard around the world each night on thousands of stations.
I was struck by his uncanny ability to be certain in his words and that he had many positive hits over the years on world events that are occurring as we speak. There is much going on in the world, and he spoke about those of us who are intuitive and have gifts of second sight that our abilities are becoming alive and that we should be paying attention to what we are seeing and sensing, and that we should be paying attention to these occurrences.
For those of you who are interested in this kind of information, here is what I thought was important to share.
Futurist and intuitive Sean David Morton returned to share his predictions and insights. He discussed how humanity is affected by different cycles. For instance, a shift of energy starts with the beginning of the ,’5th night of the Mayan Calendar’, November 19, 2007, and will run through Nov. 12, 2008. This will be a time of deep crisis for the “globalist materialist culture,” he said.
May 27-29, 2010 will mark another harmonic convergence, and it’ll be 1,000 times more powerful than the one in 1987. A pulse from the center of galaxy will arrive (as predicted by the Mayans) causing a change in the quality of sunlight, and this will have positive effects on human brain chemistry.
31-07-1967 – 12 Ahau – Mayan Birthday 26-02-2008
This is the 20th day sign of the uinal
It means “sun” “light” or “lord” It carries a visionary southern energy.
Light is the day sign of completion. It embodies the final cycles of evolution, of the highest potential of all life. This is why it is the final day sign, and it is also why it causes difficulties for those born into it.
Light persons are romantic visionaries who are often misperceived as unrealistic dreamers. Artistic, athletic and gifted in music and dance, they possess vast creative abilities, but also hold a profound wisdom and a sense of leadership and protection of their communities.
Endowed with a brilliant vision others lack, Light persons expect the world of themselves, as do those around them. But because they are so advanced they might find it difficult to understand and accept that the world they live in has not yet evolved to their own level of completion and equilibrium, instead still submerged in materialistic and ego-driven motives.
This will lead to certain disappointment and may cause Light persons to refuse responsibility, reject solutions or suggestions for improvement, or even harbor disdain or resentment towards others. Light’s challenge in life is to approach life realistically without compromising their higher dreams.
In the end however Light people will retain their natural profound spirituality that is the birthright of this last day sign of the uinal
Sitting in the Silence…
Sleep is a necessity and dreams are most welcomed because that tells me that my brain is working overtime. Over the past few days I have worked my way into the silence. I find it comfortable to sit and ponder my thoughts without the accompaniment of background noise.
So I sit here in the silence of my room and I ponder and I wait for something inspiring to write, as it seems of late, that I haven’t been able to write for some strange reason. Not that I don’t have anything to write about – but my topics don’t seem, to me, to be very interesting.
There are dark clouds rolling in over the city from the North, they say it might snow again tonight, which would be the second time this week that we have seen the white stuff – so unlike last year when it did not snow until Valentines day here.
There are some young men I read daily who are going through the pains of growing up, so there is enough to read and comment on, and within my comments to them, I can see the wisdom of progress – not perfection. I guess I have the benefit of years of life experience to offer people, and I have answers for queries across the divide of blog space.
I’ve been working on my meditations and my prayer time as of late as well, my young friend Scott encourages us to pray deeply and expect miracles, and to believe strongly in a God that we worship.
I have finished writing my first term paper of the academic year on the topic of ‘Gnosis’ that is special knowledge based on the lives of Mary Magdalene, Paul the Apostle and Judas Iscariot. I think that the paper is one of my finest academic papers I have written in as many years. My prof has allowed me to publish this paper in its entirety because there is a seven page limit for the other students.
Living a spiritual life means that one has to cultivate those attributes which enable one to become spiritual to each their own in the quest to divine what the universe is trying to tell us. Sometimes I find it difficult being a solitary ‘being’ sitting in my garden by myself, alone with my God. It is sometimes daunting to think that he really sits and listens to my prayers and moderates my meditations.
Sometimes it is better to sit with others in a group setting to know that there are others doing the same thing, and that gives me peace to know that I am not alone. I have trouble at times being a solitary practitioner of spiritual practice, but that is what many of the desert fathers and mothers did in early Christian times.
I don’t fancy myself a solitary monk, setting off for a foreign land to share the gospel with the worldly. But I guess that’s what I am feeling as of late. So I have been forced to get quiet within myself and to know that it is ok, to be in the silence by myself because I am really not alone, as long as God is present and I know that there are others on the same road, just in different locations.
I sit here and imagine what it has been like for Dan to spend so many days sitting in the silence, and ponder what it is that he has learned and what he will bring forth for the rest of us. So I have been on this journey of personal self discovery and meditative reflection and I have devoted time each day to the practice of meditation and prayer to attempt to reach a place of serenity and to know that divinity that can be found there in the silence.
My spiritual director is apt to say that unless I get quiet, I will get lost in all the noise. If I don’t still my mind, I will walk around in the insanity of my head, which is some place that angels fear to tread on their own. As a person in recovery, I know the dangers of sitting inside ones head without proper meditative direction.
I have found as of late that my mind wanders on these fantastical trips to visual places in my past, when I am still and quiet. I have found myself in a vehicle that drives familiar roads and explores familiar streets and locations. And these visions come all on their own, I am not recalling them from memory it feels as if my brain is on visual auto pilot.
My inner juke box plays a selection of music every time I sit down and get still, I find that happens more often when I am in transit, in rising from and settling into bed, and even in the bathroom. I get into the shower and I hear music playing in my mind, familiar tunes that I have sung before. The bathroom is the best place to get quiet and have these musical and visual experiences. Which some might find strange, that just happens to be the one place where I am totally quiet.
I sit here in the silence and watch the lights on my Christmas tree change colors on a slow fade program. That’s kinda what my brain is doing at the same time, moving from one thought to the next in slow fade motion.
I had a dream about snakes yesterday. According to sources it is a bad omen to see snakes in ones dreams, I have also been crossing a bridge as of late as well, which signifies a change in circumstances and I should not make any changes in my life at the moment. hmm…
I don’t feel very prolific at the moment, my brain is a jumbled mess of little topics and doesn’t make much sense I am sure for you my reader. I have seen snakes, bridges, crossing bridges that are in good shape, I have been on exploration trips with others, and just this afternoon, I was on this science mission on a research ship with other people, it looked very Russian to me, in the dream, and the dream did not last, yet I can recall it right now.
So there you go, a mess of things to think about and discuss. I can’t wait for the return of Dan, I am sure he will have things for us to talk about, meditate over and think about.
We await the snow in Montreal…
Discernment …
While Dan is away meditating, I think about him daily and in my own way I seek a spiritual experience, maybe to be one with the teacher or maybe one with my friend.
I know a young man who is in ministry who inspires me to be more than I am even if I am a sinner, and forever un-forgiven by God in some eyes. I can’t fully join the Christian movement of being saved because of what I am in certain circles. But I am no less for desiring to be ‘in communion’ just for a moment.
Live the Word and Breathe Prayer is his motto.
It is a call to action, a call to be, a call to rise up from where we are to look upon where we could be, if we Live the Word and Breathe Prayer. I find myself wanting community and I find myself lacking in that here in my life.
I find myself missing ‘people’ and ‘community.’ Although I am part of this huge virtual community spread out over the land, it is the physical connection I long to have.
I started reading a new book called “Discernment – Acquiring the heart of God.” Within my theological studies, academically, I also have my spiritual studies that flow from my spiritual director. I don’t know quite what I am looking for exactly, but I listen for that still small voice that speaks from the heavens.
I spent a few hours last night reading a bit, and I remembered this thought that I wanted to share with you. The Ladder of the Monks:
“Reading is the careful (respectful) study of the scriptures, concentrating all one’s power on it. Meditation is the busy application of the mind to seek with help of ones own reason for knowledge of hidden truth. Prayer is the hearts devoted turning to God to drive away evil and obtain what is good. Contemplation is when the mind is in some sort lifted up to God and held above itself, so that it tastes the joys of everlasting sweetness.”
“Reading without meditation is sterile, meditation without reading is liable to error, prayer without meditation is lukewarm, meditation without prayer is unfruitful, prayer when it is fervent wins contemplation but to obtain it without prayer would be rare, even miraculous.”
Today some practitioners of lectio divina add a fifth step – to put into action their faith…
- Reading scripture or sacred writings is important
- Prayer is the conscious “speaking concerns to God”
- Meditation is the active “listening for God’s voice”
- Contemplation is the act of “thoughtful reflection”
- and finally – action through faith …
Practices that strengthen the capacity for concentration or attention play a role in most great religious traditions. The importance of developing attention is most readily seen in the great traditions that arose in India, namely Hinduism and Buddhism.
From the Upanisadic seers down to the present day, there is in India an unbroken tradition of man’s attempt to yoke his self (body and mind) to ultimate reality.
Yoga takes many forms, but its essential psychological form is the practice of one pointed attention or concentration. Whether by fixing the attention on a mantra or on the flow of the breath or on some other object, the attempt to quiet the automatized activities of the mind through concentrated attention is the first step and continuing theme of Hindu psychological yoga.
******
Our soul is not something we have, it is more something we are.
A healthy soul, therefore, must do two things for us. First, it must put some fire in our veins, keep us energized, vibrant, living with zest, and full of hope as we sense that life is, ultimately, beautiful and worth living.
Whenever this breaks down in us, something is wrong with our souls. When cynicism, despair, bitterness, or depression paralyze our energy, part of the soul is hurting.
Second, e healthy soul has to keep us fixed together. It has to continually give us a sense of who we are, where we came from, where we are going, and what sense there is is all of this. When we stand looking at ourselves, confusedly, in a mirror and ask ourselves what sense, if any, there is to our lives, it is this other part of the soul, our principle of integration, that is limping.
In a matter of speaking, the soul has a principle of chaos and a principle of order within it and its health depends upon giving each its due. Too much order and you die of suffocation, to omuch chaos and you die of dissipation.
Every healthy spirituality, therefore, will have to worship at two shrines, the shrines of the God of chaos and the God of order. One God will keep us energized, the other will keep us joined together. These two functions of the soul are always in creative tension.
We have in us spirit, soul, and what we do with that soul is our spirituality. At a very basic level, long before anything explicitly religious need be mentioned, it is true to say that if we do things which keep us energized and integrated, on fire and yet glued together, we have a healthy spirituality.
From Ron Rolheiser, “What is Spirituality” – The Holy Longing.
I’m thinking about Dan, and I am thinking about You!!!
Meditations on Meaning
Dear Avanites,
I’m leaving in fifteen minutes for an eleven day meditation retreat. I won’t be bringing a phone or a computer or any other communication device, so it’ll be until at least November 11th that you hear from me again.
While I’m gone, I’ll be meditating on a cushion for ten hours a day, and spending the rest of the time in silence. I won’t be permitted to make eye contact with other participants, eat meat, exercise (aside from walking), or engage in sexual activity.
I am new to this meditation thing. I’ve had no formal training and I know very little about eastern spirituality. My only exposure to the eastern tradition has been power yoga — which I was obligated to participate in with my high school and college wrestling teams, and which I still sometimes do for exercise.
Yet though the act of meditation is new to me, I’ve been drawn to the idea of it since I was a little boy. When I knew that I wasn’t on a spiritual (or healthy) path, but that I wanted to be. And that I wanted to learn. And that eventually I wanted to teach.
Despite my early inclinations toward spirituality, I couldn’t bring myself to actuality do anything about it. Mostly, I think, this is because I felt so alone. Whereas Wilford and others I’ve known have always felt a metaphysical connection to the world and others, I haven’t felt anything.
No strange encounters with God. No near-death experiences. No strange connections to strangers. Just a hard, material world in which people seem very alone… with their successes and failures and fates. A world in which I’ve felt very alone too.
So I’ve done nothing with the intense spiritual calling that I’ve had from the time I was a little boy until now. Instead, I’ve learned to excel by pushing boundaries, overcoming obstacles, finishing various tasks quickly, and moving on from one thing to get to another…
And (perhaps ironically) helping others to feel connected — because I learned, when I was very young, that I could inspire the feelings of connection in others even when I couldn’t feel them myself.
Despite rarely feeling happy or alive, I’ve believed for many years that nothing would change. That this is how my life would go. And that this is my sacrifice. Then I founded Avanoo with Wilford.
And started to write and think about what it means to make a better world. And started to build that world. And figure out how to build it better. And, as I wrote and thought and built, it became more and more apparent that I couldn’t really start to make other people’s lives better until I made my own better. Because my own limitations are emblematic of the limitations of the world.
But then I asked readers from Meditations on Meaning to help Wilford and I to build this better world. And over the past few months, we’ve together put in place some of the building blocks of this better world through our posts and comments and connections.
And I’ve seen that something quite special has been starting to happen. And realized that together we can help people to make their lives more fulfilling on a massive scale. But first I must deal with my own life. I must learn to enjoy my own life. It is an obligation… if I’m going to spend my life helping others figure out how to enjoy theirs.
So I’m going to this eleven day meditation retreat. Because I think it’ll be a wonderful way to start. And I have you to thank for this wonderful beginning.
Thank you!
-Dan
Puzzle Pieces
Words in my head are no good unless they find life on the page before you. Expressions, emotions, feelings and experiences. Wanting to empty my head is painful, because where do you start to write something coherent and readable?
The little Jesuit priest gave us all the same puzzle piece with the words “it all began here” now go out and find out why. I came after them, I think in fact I was the last puzzle piece recipient from that group of young men.
I moved from one big city a great concrete and glass paradise on the water to another big city of concrete and glass, somewhat inland from the sea, but how can you go wrong living in the city of lights? It was magical and unknown, it was trying and easy, it was the unknown that attracted me, the beauty that captivated me, the diversity that struck me.
What did we know from this little Jesuit priest who became for many a spiritual guide in a city steeped in religious tradition. I want to tell you what happened and what my puzzle looks like today. Is it finished, can you see an entire landscape, are you any closer to the BIG answer?
Within days of my arrival and reception of my puzzle piece I began to hunt for the others. I must say that I had no clue where to begin, nor where to look. He said “they will appear before you if you know how to see them!” He was good a clues but not at giving concrete answers.
I walked around the city of light looking for puzzle pieces, but you could not walk up to someone and ask about them, people would think you mad. So I started with the piece that I carried in my wallet, a scapular and that remark “this is where it all started.”
In medieval times the towns and centers were built around the main church of the location, the church being the hub of the community where religious observance took place, bartering and food distribution was done, as well as trade. Safe inside the city walls in some locations, the church was also the lookout from on high to make sure that invaders did not sack the city.
That is where I chose to start my journey. The religious center of the city. Notre Dame Cathedral in Old Montreal. You can’t go wrong when you start your journey with a little prayer. I was used to coming here to pray because I did it for months before I received my first puzzle piece, without knowing it I had been kneeling and praying at the starting point for a long while.
I would find my corner up the front of the church in the grotto, left of the altar, where hours candles were burning. Those are the big candles that burn before the blessed sacrament in most churches, because once lit they will burn for days and days until spent.
I lit one candle – sure in the knowledge that my prayers would be carried on high for as long as that candle burned. it was a guarantee that my prayers meant a great deal to me. I had knelt in that same spot week after week and never noticed her.
******
She had always followed me into that corner, standing silently next to me just beyond my peripheral vision from the spot I was kneeling in, until that fateful day that she called out to me from the darkness of the grotto. She was stolid and beautiful, she had grace and poise. Little did I know then, what she would do for me just by her presence in my life.
You see I carried a picture of her in my wallet for almost twenty years, and I never made the connection to her until that day she called out to me in the silence of my prayers. I had found the next puzzle piece, it was there all the time, and until I gazed upon her, did it become visible.
I took that as a sign from God to follow the lead to its logical conclusion. I walked a little ways down from the Cathedral to Saint Pierre and over to the Mother House not far away. I left my name and my number and waited for a call back, after which I returned home.
A few days later I was offered a visit to the Mother House in Old Montreal, I carried within me the lineage that went back centuries. For many years I have been the keeper of family heritage, I own the copies of the family tree, I carried them north with me.
I met the little nun on a particular day and she took me around the house and on the second floor, I was able to see the book of life that sat on the table that stood in the room where she had lived and died centuries before. Her name was Marguerite…
Upon completion of the visit, I had a name on a slip of paper that my mother had given me a few days earlier, she was still accepting my calls then. So I inquired about the little gray nun, named Georgette. I wasn’t sure if she was still alive or if I was about to hit a dead end in my puzzle piece quest.
The little nun told me that indeed she was still alive, and that I could contact her at the Mother House in the city, which turned out, sat a mere three blocks from the apartment I was living in at the time. I attained the next puzzle piece.
******
Besides myself with excitement I found the nearest pay phone to make the call to my great aunt Georgette. When the Spanish Flu killed hundreds of thousands in the twenties, my grand mothers parents had lost their lives to the flu, and my great aunt’s parents gave a home to my grandmother, they were raised in the same house.
We met for the first time in our lives, little did I know that my grandmother had been, for decades writing letters to this aunt of mine unbeknownst to me, she knew who I was – even if I didn’t know who she was.
She told me about her life and the life of the sainted grandmother that I idolized and sanctified. She gave me a tour of the house, and she took me to the crypt and she showed me the connection that I had to the rest of the order of gray nuns.
Puzzle pieces appeared, one in front of the other for years to come after that fateful meeting. We would share stories about life and death, of family and of betrayal. And on that odd occasion the vault would open in her head and she would gift me with a gem of a memory that filled in some of the past that I needed so badly to paint my picture, to build my hagiography.
******
Being a mystical intuit has its drawbacks. One day it happened that I was standing in a particular room off the chapel proper and she appeared for the first time. I smelled her before I realized she was standing there in the room with us. I had this gift of second sight and I was the spiritual medium for the family, they all came back to me for some strange reason. This was not unusual.
So she had followed me thousands of miles from where I had been to where I was now. Those spirits sure can travel long distances. Over the years she came and went from there and she even visited me at home. And her visits usually coincided with vault memories that my great aunt would give me on occasion.
For four years I traveled the religious path to enlightenment and I have found several key puzzle pieces on the way, albeit a few, the picture still remains unsolved. Tonight for the first time in as many weeks I received critical praise for a paper I wrote a few days ago.
My theological puzzle quest has begun. You may not find anything that I write to be interesting or worthy of traffic. But if you are on a puzzle quest, I think this is required reading.
There is something to say about life and death, the mystical and the unexplainable. The liminal and the physical. I am starting to sense that the city isn’t just a city of light, but just might be a liminal location as well, which means that puzzle pieces may come from other dimensions and locations if I attune me vision to see them.
This writing from a friend explains “Liminal.”
I’ve always thought of my soul in terms of dungeons and basement rooms. Full of cobwebs and damp, uninhabitable rooms. A space where, with God’s help, you carve out room to live and grow.
But one morning during prayer, I had a picture of my soul, and it was more like a huge open expanse. A place of hills and valleys, streams and forests. A place where God moves into, if we let him. And his presence in the space begins to turn it green and makes it come alive, producing all kinds of fruit.
He might be over in this area creating a shady green valley with a brook running through it. Or he might be over there creating a building structure in which we will house memories of close intimate times. He may be at work rooting out some nasty weeds or some underbrush that has taken over an area that He wants to turn into a lovely park.
I’ve limited the description I’ve included here for space considerations, but the picture is still so clear in my mind, and it’s an image I’ve come to see as a very Celtic way of understanding God and myself.
There have been two profound shifts in my thinking as a result of the self study on Celtic Spirituality, and though I am not yet settled in one camp or another, I have come to love the different expressions that the Celts have brought us.
The first is how they have come to decide what is at our core as human beings. For me and my training and personal experience, what’s deepest within in me is my sinful nature, -original sin. I have been living with a deep sense that at the heart of my being is a nature that is broken and sinful, a dungeon if you will that is vile and dirty, and well, just sinful.
As I read the books and prayed the Celtic Office day after day I began to notice that their approach to what was the core was different than mine. Celtic Spirituality is marked by a belief that the deepest part of us isn’t sinfulness, it’s the image of God. That deep in there,
deeper still than original sin, is this sense that we were created in the Image of the Holy One, God Himself. They refuse to define themselves by the ugliness of their failings, and choose rather to define themselves by the beauty of their origins.
It doesn’t necessarily disagree with scripture, but it is a different way of thinking of oneself. I like that it sets God back at the core of things, not my evil nature. I like how it doesn’t allow me to blame my evil nature when I fail and sin, and without wanting to shift
responsibility, I like how it shifts the story from my absolute weakness, to God’s absolute love.
There is something to that, and as I’ve allowed myself to explore the effects this understanding may have on my belief system, I find a greater appreciation for Gods love, growing in me. It’s like, He didn’t create me evil, he created me after his own heart, his own image. That subtle shift is profound and it works itself out in hope filled ways.
The second shift in my thinking has come about as I’ve read of the Celtic tradition of the belief in the essential goodness of creation. Not only is creation viewed as a blessing from God, but an expression of God. It’s like a communication to us from God, and often in Celtic literature it’s referred to as the book of creation.
What this does in effect is to merge the sense of that which is spirit and that which is matter. For the Celts it was all one anyway. Whether I realized it or not, my training helped to establish within me an understanding that physical things, fleshly, earthly matter has a brokenness about it.
At it’s heart its evil and groaning under the weight of existence. While things of the spirit are holy and of God. In our desire to separate spirit and matter we have distanced the mystery of God from the matter of creation. Again it goes back to the fall of humankind. Something God created is now not to be trusted, because mankind sinned.
The Celtic understanding does away with the notion that the things that are Spirit are good and the things that are physical and made of matter are evil. This allows humanity to celebrate and be thankful for the gift of creation, and how beautifully it was created.
Again this subtle shift has far reaching effects. It makes me concerned with how this world is cared for, and how we treat it. It removes the sense that it’s evil and broken so who cares how it’s treated. It causes me to look closely at the delicate beauty of nature and the language of love God communicates to me through it, and I respond with praise and gratitude for His great love for me.
Even the fact that he allows tremendous beauty to exist where no one can see it just confirms to me again the greatness of God. I confess this approach is a much more wholesome one than I’ve seen in many western churches and Christians who consume without thought, feeling that the earth is damaged goods anyway. I don’t like how easy it is to say “This thing that God created was good, and this thing that God created isn’t good because we messed it up!”
These two small shifts are effecting how I and God relate, and how I care for his creation. From the guy across the street to the lawn I get to mow, I’m seeing with different eyes. It’s also begun to shift how I picture my own soul. The picture I shared earlier is for me an
image infused with the sense of Celtic faith. That new image of my Soul gives me a lot of hope. It will effect how I care for others in foundational ways.
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My conclusions about Iona are that it is indeed a thin place where heaven and earth nearly kiss. God was very “Hearable” there and in fact during one day of prayer there He brought up something that’s been bugging me about our relationship for years and years.
He spoke clearly into my spirit about it, and ever since that moment the struggle between us has disappeared, gone, not even a whisper of it.
Dalai Lama begins visit to Canada
The Dalai Lama, the exiled leader of Tibet’s Buddhists, arrived in Ottawa on Sunday to begin a visit to Canada that will include a meeting with Prime Minister Stephen Harper.
Tenzin Gyatso, a 72-year-old Buddhist monk who is the 14th Dalai Lama, was scheduled to address a large gathering at the Ottawa Civic Centre in the afternoon.
The Dalai Lama offers a white scarf, called a kata, as he is greeted by Senator Con Di Nino, co-chairman of the Parliamentary Friends of Tibet, upon his arrival at the Ottawa International Airport on Sunday.
(Sean Kilpatrick/Canadian Press)
Some observers have speculated that his meeting on Monday with Harper on Parliament Hill could hurt relations between Canada and China. Chinese authorities have said they see any public meeting between the Dalai Lama and political leaders as interfering in China’s affairs.
The country invaded Tibet shortly after the 1949 Chinese Revolution. It considers the Dalai Lama an agitator with secessionist ambitions for Tibet. The Dalai Lama has lived in exile in India since staging a failed uprising against Chinese rule in 1959.
During the Dalai Lama’s last visit to Canada, in 2006, Chinese officials protested when Parliament decided to grant him honorary Canadian citizenship.
“Since the late 1980s, the Dalai Lama has clearly expressed his view that all Tibetans want is cultural and religious autonomy under Chinese sovereignty,” said Jacob Kovalio, a professor of Asian history at Carleton University in Ottawa.
Foreign leaders have shown they are increasingly willing to risk discord with Beijing to underscore concerns for human rights in Tibet, he told CBC Newsworld on Sunday.
“Canada is saying to China, like many other nations — for example, India — that human rights [and] religious freedom are important, and that there is such a field for which China has to adjust itself to the international community instead of imposing the kind of approaches which simply don’t fit the times,” Kovalio said.
Paul Martin was the first Canadian prime minister to meet with the Dalai Lama in 2004 in what was described as a politically neutral setting, the home of the Roman Catholic archbishop of Ottawa.
The spiritual leader’s latest visit to Canada caps a multi-country tour that has taken him to the United States, Europe and Australia.
Last week, U.S. President George W. Bush met with him privately in the White House and before Congress, when the monk received Congress’s highest civilian honour, the Congressional Gold Medal.
The Dalai Lama is scheduled to travel to Toronto on Tuesday, where he will hold a public talk Wednesday night on “The Art of Happiness” at Rogers Centre.
Liminal – in the words of Cooper
“This is a liminal time here in the north … the threshold between autumn and winter. The feast of Samhain (Halloween) is a perfect expression of this, falling as it does at the time of year when the veil between the seasonal worlds are thin and magic is afoot. I think such liminal spaces allow us to step out of the ordinary world for a while, and into the rich realm of the archetypal, the strange, and the creative.”
Read the rest of the post [Here - Coopers Corridor]
The Soul of the World …
“I believe that in a peaceful moment like that, through either healing or meditation, we connect to our higher self and the Divine on a deeper level. It is similar to the traveling we do in our sleep. Through astral travel we are given a possibility to learn and check in on our mates ‘back home’.”
They also say that we are created from stardust, and to stardust we shall return one day. Each of us have the ability to connect to the “Soul of the World.” The soul of the world speaks to us and ministers to our souls and to others. When we reach the Soul of the world we have access to the “Hand that created it all.” (Alchemist pp.151) When I meditate I try to connect to all that is, and find that space in between, where I can access the healing energies of the universe. There are times I get right through, and there are times that I do not. I love the Astral plane. I have written about it in my (Dream journals – on my blog)
“I read this book which says that we all originate from different places in the Universe. It might be a star or another planet… Further they say that a reason us humans are enjoying ‘coupling’ as they’re referring to it in the book, is that there is a moment when the mind looses track of time and our soul can ‘connect to home’.”
I had a few visual dreams about where we originated that there is a very large (Bio-Dome) ship traveling through the cosmos and they are responsible for “seeding” planets with various life all over. This story is in my (Stories of Jerome) series. I think that is a possibility, the universe is so vast that there has to be more than we see temporally and dimensionally.
“In a way it’s cleverly orchestrated, don’t you think? Is it a way to keep us sane?”
Sanity, peace of mind, I guess it does. I know true sanity because I have inhabited insanity when I was “Using” but no more. Yet, there are times when I get “kooky” and entertain my head and that makes me insane… There but for the grace of God… I love to sit and contemplate the vastness of universal creation. The possibility that there is God – a Creator – That is so vast that we cannot even envision just how vast he/she/it is…
“So, why do we feel the need to ‘connect to home’ and ‘check in on our mates’? The same book is saying that we have all come to planet Earth (Gaia) to help it and the civilization evolve but life here is very different and our soul which is etheric is not used to being ‘trapped’ in a body or experiencing physical sensations and emotions hence we need flashes of supporting energy from ‘home’.”
Home? Where is Home? The say where your heart is, there will your treasure be. My home, here in Montreal, My home, the location of my younger memories, my grandparents house? When I want to connect with home, I return to those places that brought me the most joy. I revisit those places in the oddest times of my day. All those people who were part of my life then, now long since dead, returned to the astral plane and they return to us to teach us about what’s over “there” so we can work to create that here… Evolution…
I find myself at times snapping out of my body much more frequently as of late. I find my mind wanders to far off places at the oddest times of the day and night. I find I wander during “Liminal” times of the day. Liminal – those “Thin places.” Like when I stop and turn off my brain, when I am in the bathroom or even in the shower.
Last night I was lying in bed and almost ready to go to sleep and I found myself in another place, I was having a conversation years earlier and I found that odd. I don’t know what it means that I am seeing these liminal places or states, maybe I am just loosing my mind? It doesn’t scare me, I just know that I can leave this body of mine on command when I meditate and when I sleep.
That is a gift one rises to whence meditation and inner work is achieved. I believe in healing arts. I have my Tarot cards, and my candles, I do not leave the house without my healing stones that I carry in my backpack Quartz Crystals, Amethysts, Hematite, they correspond to a Quarts point that I wear around my neck.
When you practice the “Arts” one learns how to use the pendulum, and the stone. The Yes and the No. The positive and the negative. If you think the universe does not speak to us, take a quartz point and a pendulum and see how the pendulum swings, in either the positive or negative direction. There is such energy to be tapped from the Universe.
Imagine that if we had the ability to identify, contain, quantify, assimilate and use universal energy to heal us, I can access some, but if I knew how to access more, I could do more, I could do more for others and for myself. I truly believe that when I started practicing the “Art” and I had that “Taken experience” I was made aware of how to capture universal energy for myself. I think that is one very big part of why I am still alive…
God, The Universe, The Creator… The Soul of the World, The Voice of the Soul of the Universe, the Hand that created all…
The Alchemist teaches us many things… “It’s not what enters man’s mouths that’s evil, It’s what comes out of their mouths that is.”
“Everything has a Personal Legend, but one day that Personal Legend will be realized. So each thing has to transform itself into something better, and to acquire a new Personal Legend, until someday, the Soul of the World becomes one thing only…”
The boy turned to the hand that wrote it all. As he did so, he sensed that the universe had fallen silent, and he decided not to speak. A Current of love rushed from his heart, and the boy began to pray.
It was a prayer that he had never said before, because it was a prayer without words or pleas…In the silence, the boy understood that the desert, the wind, and the sun were seeking to follow their paths, and to understand what had been written on a single emerald.
He saw that omens were scattered throughout the earth and in space, and that there was no reason or significance attached to their appearance; he could see that not the deserts, nor the winds, nor the sun, nor the people knew why they had been created.
But that the hand had a reason for all of this, and that only the hand could perform miracles, or transform the sea into a desert…or a man into the wind.
Because only the hand understood that it was a larger design that had moved the universe to the point at which six days of creation had evolved into a Master Work.
The boy reached through to the Soul of the World, and saw that it was part of the Soul of God. And he saw that the Soul of God was his own soul. And that he, a boy, could perform miracles…”
Alchemist pgs 151-152
Spirit Guide Speaks…
After Dan’s confession I sat with his words and wondered about what is coming. I spent some time meditating and this is what I came out with writing last night.
I’ve been traveling between nightmares and expansive dreams as of late and I was not sure what they were trying to tell me, although I haven’t really asked for an answer.
I want to write, but like some, without some inspiration, one way or another, the page remains blank. I haven’t sought the wisdom of my spirit guide as of late, maybe I should do that. In my minds eye I see people and places. I can go ahead to the horizon and I feel a change is coming.
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The energies are aligning the heavens and the universe is conspiring to help us and sometimes prod us to move forward even if we are hesitant to do so on our own power.
There are many aspect of life that need to change, people profess ideology and act untowardly. I like to say this:
Say what you mean,
Mean what you say,
And don’t be mean when you say it…
The more I study religion (in my studies) the farther away from the institution I move, because I cannot, in good conscience reconcile who I am and who I want to become and then identify with people who are not authentic and true.
Honesty and integrity will come to bear when the planets align and we reach the point of change, lives will be transformed whether we like it or not. Resistance is futile…
Who you were, will be no more, when the door to your inner mind is opened nothing will be the same. We must become who we profess to be, we cannot speak out of one side of our mouths and do another. Because to profess and live rightly, one must life the words one speaks we must let go of inauthentic ways of life.
Who is God, What is God and Where is God? Does heaven exist and are we in hell???
If we are to be “like” we must adopt the attributes and practices of those we are professing to be like. Christian, defines as “Christ-like” we have failed to be “Christ like” in many ways, because I believe that God weeps…
I believe that the tribulation is coming, the great awakening is approaching and we are on a collision course with destiny. The ancients knew something that we do not today, and they have warned us of the impending changes coming. We cannot escape or hide from what the earth will become.
The focus on orientation, hatred, warring and killing must stop, we must begin to see our brothers and sisters as ourselves. What we deem important today, will not be important tomorrow.
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People with the gifts of second sight and awareness, those who can see ahead on the path are beginning to understand and know and it may be fear that keeps us from speaking out about these things, but we were given gifts for a reason, we must use these gifts because we are the forefront in the succession of great change.
Prophets and sages, ministers and teachers, we are all somebody’s teacher and we are all students at this thing we call life. We must begin to share what it is we see and know. We must turn away from fear, silence and submission.
We are called to be community and if we are to affect change in the world, that change begins with us. Because when we allow for change in ourselves, we can affect change outside ourselves then we can work to help change the world.
The spirits are moving, the universe is moving in great swaths of movement. What is coming is a spiritual awakening, that which divides us will either kill us or save us.
It is time to build a new world. A new way of seeing the world around us and each other. If we do not step up to this challenge we will all find ourselves lost.
The universe is going to ask great things of us, will we be ready to accept the work at our hands? Or shall we bury our heads in the sand and do nothing???
Grammy's …
Looking over the hedge, like the redwoods of the forest, large oak trees guard the land from outsiders, while peaceful, colorful gardens span the yard from side to side.
Hedges run the length of the property to one side, and a fence on the other, a demarcation from living and dead. The house is stately and quaintly beautiful, white with blue accents on the dormers, the front door a dark oak accentuated by wrought iron handrails up the front stairs.
We do not use the front door, that is saved for special occasions or welcoming guests across the hearth during holidays and Christmas. there is something to walking through the front doorway into the grand living room with its picture perfect glass windows that look out over the sentinel trees out front.
Walking past the bulk of the house is the mud hut, the room that connects the separate garage from the house proper and invited us into the heart of the house, in Italian culture, the kitchen.
The kitchen is where everything happens, meals, prayers, discussion and argument. It is a bright room with many windows on two sides that look out on our cutting farm to the side of the house and the backyard and the huge vegetable garden where most of our food comes from.
Hardy wood hand carved cabinets are dark in color the old style fridge with sliding freezer on the bottom and the slide out stove is particular to this house. There are no new fangled roasters or microwave ovens, this is a house of the past, in a fast moving present. It is a step back from modernism and illustrates times of the past.
The floor is a speckled yellow, red and black linoleum perfectly polished by hand, an old style aluminum table and chairs sit stately against the kitchen wall. Out of place in the kitchen is an old stately roller chair, usually reserved for visiting guests to the house as the seat of honor. Aluminum chairs can be painful after while.
This is where the heart of the house lies. Many a meal was prepared in this kitchen over fifty years. One can imagine the views and how they changed over those fifty years. The seasons that came and went, the guests who came to visit and later died. If a kitchen could talk, I am sure she would have great and wonderful stories.
The dining room, painted in a soft green is home to a great sideboard buffet and a china cabinet filled with all the finest in serving dishes and glasses only reserved for high holidays like Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas. This room sat vacant at all other times. Why use a table that sat twelve when you could sit in the kitchen and be close.
At other times of the year this room was reserved for sewing projects, storage of items not used during the regular business of the day, and the stacking of paperwork and odd sweaters and clothing.
Unlike other homes of the day, the half bath was located just off the kitchen and looked out over the yard. The den, to the opposite side of the house, was where the tv was located with a sofa and grampy’s chair and a second for guests. I remember many night watching tv in this room on summer vacations and in the years when we lived in New Britain.
The hearth of the home, the grand living room was a second room that saw little traffic save for holidays and family vacations. The front wall was a huge picture window where the Christmas tree would be set for the holidays. A grand red brick fireplace was also located in this room with the old 78 style record player that still exists to this day, collecting dust in my parents attic.
The most striking piece of architecture of the house was the grand staircase. It was a light oak color, with hand carved dowels that accentuated the handrail all the way up the outer side of the staircase. I remember playing on the stairs sliding on my bum down one step and then two and then three. Fine stately green wallpaper with gold inlay was on the walls. This is what made this house so unique because it held within it signs of the old world that must have been grand for generations past.
Two bedrooms were located on the second floor one to each side of the house as partitioned by the grand staircase. a huge walk in closet was in the hallway with access to the attic where we stored all the Christmas decorations. My grandparents, by this time were sleeping in separate bedrooms, my father long since grown, moved on and now bringing his own children to visit.
The basement was accessed by a doorway in the kitchen where one would descend into the old world. An old pickling closet that my grammy still used for canning vegetables and bottling jams.
She was an adept gardener and had a veritable green thumb. The house was littered with plants in every room, some hanging from the ceiling and others on stands and windowsills. The house was surrounded by gardens on all sides. That was her secondary passion, gardening. Her first passion was me, and cooking.
I could always count of learning from her, how to grow a garden and keep it healthy, how to plant flowers and plants by the seasons, where the plant the berry bushes and when, so that during certain seasons we could walk out and always find something edible at any time on the year, save the winter.
Across the majority of the back of the yard was a the great Italian garden with hanging strings for tomatoes, beans, and stalky vegetables. We grew everything that was edible from squash to tomatoes, beans to cabbage and lettuce. To the rear of the garden against the hill behind was the berry bramble. Even today every time I eat a pint of raspberries I think of her and our garden.
To the opposite side of the back yard was the most amazing terraced flower and bush garden. The rocks that demarcated each level and boundary were all hand painted each Spring with bright and cheery colors that only accentuated the blooming plants and flowers. It was the most special garden, that I had ever seen.
Grammy was in a kind competition with Mary D’Angelo across the street. Mary’s house was a mansion in comparison to ours, it had three floors and was grander in style than any house I had known then and so were her gardens. Mary’s husband and mother toiled in their yard and gardens for most of the year and were the envy of that end of the neighborhood. But grammy held her own. It wasn’t quantity that mattered, it was the quality of the garden that meant more.
The lot to the one side of the house was vacant. You could, in the off season, often see the rubble of the old house that once probably sat on the location where I have seen pictures of 1920 and 1930′s family life, the immigrant family that worked the land and all that surrounded it until the time that modernization took root there.
For many years the dead lot became a dumping ground. People would come and dump cuttings, grass and bush trimmings and old dead flowers from their gardens that had been pruned and cleared season after season. Grammy had a plan for that lot. She, over the years would buy berry bushes that she planted throughout the lot. And she would as well, throw her cuttings over the fence.
What nobody expected was that dead plants and flowers carried with them seeds, that would sit, germinate and grow in the soil under all the droppings. The dead lot became a living organism. Imagine an entire acre of land raised from the dead, blooming and growing over the refuse and soil on that plot.
Year after year cuttings were dropped and year after year there were flowers all season, berries all summer, the community garden gave up flowers for many a neighbor’s dinner table and window vases. It was a simple life then. Neighbors visited each other, there was no suburb mania. People were concerned with taking care of their brother and sister. neighbors were selfless and concerned with each other, rather than today where people are self centered and only concerned with themselves. I learned some valuable lessons in my childhood.
The best memories are housed in my mental museum. These visual trips down memory lane are all I have left of the time that meant the most to me as a child. I travel there in my dreams on many occasions, and I walk through the house. Funny, dreams, I can enter the house and see it as it was, but where a door is closed I am never permitted to open it. That is one aspect of past dreaming that I have yet to figure out today.
I have left a major portion of this story out of the narrative for good reason, because two worlds collided in this house. One is of safety and love, the other is of addiction, violence and hatred. Neither belong in the telling of the other. Because the battle between all that is sacred and all that was profane took place under that roof.
Grammy died too soon and what was, was no more.
Both survived the generation battle, the sacred and the profane. Sadly the profane destroyed later generations, past resentments played out as children grew up and chose which side of the battle they would fight for. By this admission and narrative, you now know which side of the battle I chose to fight for.
I was a victim of the profane violence, the hatred and the addictions for many years, but eventually through hard work and the power of the Sacred God who lives, I am victorious. And so you now have walked through and experienced the best that grammy’s had to offer her visitor. A cornucopia of food delicacy, the beauty of nature and the hospitality of an old Italian woman who gave all she had to each person who graced her hearth.
I leave you with one final vision:
The windows are frosted over, snow is on the ground. The house is hushed with the expectation of guests for a dinner to fit a king. In the grand living room a roaring fire is set. The Christmas tree is alive with colored lights and a thousand ornaments all hand made and delicate. The room is comfy, cozy and warm.
Soon the guests would arrive, entering tonight through the front door, it is a grand occasion, the kitchen is rearranged for the holiday and the mud hut is unaccessible. The glow of the tree, against the frosted windows along with the roaring fire make for a wonderful holiday greeting card.
The table is set with the finest china, and the crystal glasses. There are platters of food, desserts that are fantastical. There are tons of gifts under the tree, and for one last holiday the entire family would be present for holiday dinner. It would be the last one in my minds memory…
Stop The Abuse…
Stop the Abuse …BLOG CATALOG
We were asked to write for Thursday – Something that we thought needed to stop. This first post was entered on Tuesday on this blog, if you read backwards.
What would I like to write about that needs to stop… Abuse comes in many forms, and can manifest in so many ways. Abuse can be blatantly up front and in the open, and it also can be perpetrated in silence and ignorance. Ignorance in that we fail to see the truth or know to look for it, or in that we are immovable to adapt to change.
There are many issues I face on a daily basis, both in my life and in the life of my husband. Think about the abuse that I have seen in my lifetime, being Gay, HIV Positive, a Recovering Alcoholic and Addict, I’ve suffered from Depression and my husband is Bi-Polar. We have seen our fair share of abuse in our days, by people that are family, people who are friends and from perfect strangers.
As a person living with AIDS in the year 2007, the abuse that People with Aids face daily has not abated. People are still ignorant and stupid. Times have changed, and people still see RED when they think about homosexuals who are sick, not to mention the ignorance paid to straight people with the disease. No matter where we live, the abuse of people who are sick needs to stop. We are all human and divinely created by God, and if He has time to think, create and love us, then so should you .
Africa… The Dark Continent as it is called is also the ignored continent. Genocide is happening in Darfur, all over Africa people are dying because of hunger, disease, and ignorance by their own people, and by us. If we are to change the world, we must refocus our efforts from war and killing to aid and living. The belief in Africa that having sex with a virgin will cure AIDS needs to change. The abuse of women and female circumcision needs to END. The world needs to wake up from its myopic vision of the world and we need to stop the abuse of many at the hands of a few depraved leaders, junta and guerrillas.
Religious Strife… Religious abuses need to stop. Wars perpetrated based on religious difference needs to end. The abuse of people based on religious affiliation needs to end. The Middle East needs to come to its collective senses and realize that if wars continue and religious abuse is maintained, eventually everyone will be dead, and there won’t be any one left to carry on the traditions you are all fighting over. I believe there is enough land to go around for everyone.
Religious Intolerance needs to Stop. The world thrives on its diversity of faith and religious tradition. Could you imagine what the world would look like if we stopped the hatred of other and we adopted a live and let live policy based on religious tolerance? Here at home in Canada, we need to adopt better ways of dealing with aboriginal rights, religious abuses by the church and by our own government. Those who were here first need to be recognized and taken care of. Reservations need accommodations that aren’t falling down. We need to have running water, clean water and safe living condition, because many are living in sub standard housing with very little – and the government abuses the aboriginal and lives high on the hog in their own homes.
The Three Major Monotheistic religions need to come together and find a common resolution to Stop the Violence, the Wars and the Abuse of so many. Jews are fighting and killing Jews. Muslims are killing and abusing other Muslims. Christianity, well, now there’s a quagmire for you. Never in my life have I seen so much hatred, revulsion and abuse by a religion than Christianity. Christians think they are above the law, that they can dictate government policy, foreign policy and world opinion, because God speaks to them, yet they perpetrate so much abuse on so many across a field of difference.
I’ve got many strikes against me because I am Gay, Married, HIV Positive and I am a Christian, where else would you see this kind of pedigree in the same sentence. I know for a fact that many Christians find me repulsive, arrogant and ignorant because surely a gay man could not be a Christian and be homosexual. And I am getting my comeuppance because I am living with AIDS. Surely God is punishing me. Religious Abuse needs to stop. Homophobia and Ignorance and Bigotry needs to Stop…
The year 2007 is almost over. And still today LGBTQ people are amongst the most abused people I know. Where there is a ballot box and an evangelical Christian, abuse is going to happen. Because God deems us abominable, and we need to be eradicated, killed, ignored, abused and humanly degraded. Can’t we come together and learn that abuse based on diversity and sexual orientation needs to end, today, at home and world wide.
We know that being gay is NOT a choice. There are so many young people suffering inside their souls because they could never admit their secrets because still today, admitting you are gay is still a death sentence communally. Transsexual and Transgendered people are other groups who need to be cared for, respected and assisted.
Humans have such a capacity to hate and abuse. Imagine if we could stop the abuse and hatred and adopt a life of service, charity, acceptance and Love. Imagine what the world would look like if we could stop the abuses across the board and we started taking care of each other instead of abusing, hating and marginalizing.
We are Here, We are Queer, Get used to it…
We Must be respected. We Must see LGBTQ Civil rights across the board. We Must be given the same dignified status that every straight person is granted by rights of citizenship. To live safely, to be protected militarily, to be able to be Married legally and we Must be given the same rights that straight couples get by right, by government and by citizenship.
Gays and Lesbians must be respected. We are just as good parents as anyone else. I believe that we could do it better because we have been so reviled for so long that I believe we as LGBTQ People have cultivated lives of love, respect and dignity because so many of you think that we don’t deserve those god given rights.
Marriage rights must be passed world wide. Partner benefits must be passed worldwide. The continual ABUSE of LGBTQ people by community, government and religious authority needs to end. Muslims, Jews, Christians need to stop the violence, stop the hatred and Stop the abuse.
The abuse by Holy Mother Church needs to stop. The hiding of pedophile priests need to be brought out into the open. The church needs to stop hiding abusers in plain sight and they need to become accountable, respectable and right. No other institution in my life has perpetrated so much abuse on human kind than Holy Mother Church. I have spent YEARS [ read most of my life] studying Holy Mother Church, and as of the last decade or more of my life, the papacy of John Paul II. I spent a year in a Catholic Seminary and I witnessed cleric abuse. I’m not just writing to see myself write…
You want to know about abuse, read “The Power and the Glory, Inside the Dark Heart of John Paul II’s Papacy.” It will turn your hair gray. The church could do so much more than it has and it won’t do all that it can because of the Papacy and religious division over the three major monotheistic traditions. I’ve spent years studying the Holocaust, I’ve read the books and taken the classes. So I do know what I am talking about.
The longer I study religion, I believe less and less in Holy Mother Church. The more I study religion the farther away from institutional religion I move. Because God weeps at the injustice of such wide spread abuse, ignorance, and hatred based on diversity of faith, sexual orientation and basic human dignity for those living with AIDS.
And finally – at long last, the sick and suffering addict and alcoholic, the gay and the lesbian, the sick and the dying, need to be cared for because we are all deemed acceptable to God, we need to pray for the sick and suffering. We need to care for the sick and suffering. We could stop much of the suffering of people if we turned our vision from hatred, abuse and war to that of caring for our neighbors as we do ourselves. But you cannot give what you do not have, so educate yourself, and put on your armor and come walk with us and stop the abuse.
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Edit and Late Comment Addition
I did not say the words axis of evil – I was stating a point from a religious scholar perspective because I am one. I live in Canada, not the U.S. I am fully aware that China and many other nations could stop the genocide in Darfur, and yet they do nothing, because of OIL and MONEY. I did not make an argument for oil, nor did I say that any religion was evil. I can stand outside the arguments and give you perspective because THIS is my area of study. RELIGION and GOD!!!
Reread what I wrote and start again.
I do care about the Middle East which is why most of my post concerns the tensions in that area of the world. If Christianity, Islam and Judaism could find a common ground to negotiate peace, territory, oil and security then progress can be made, but not until the three monotheistic traditions stop killing each other in the name of Allah, God or Hashem.
I can play the God card because the warring factions of the world play it daily. Tell me about Jews and Palestinians or Shia – Sunni and Kurd and the Christians, what are each trying to do to the other? Dominate, Kill and eradicate. How can you NOT play the God card?
I never mentioned oil in my post – because I cannot properly comment on certain topics because I don’t have all the facts. This post was to draw attention to something that we thought needed to stop in the way of violence. IF YOU read this blog from yesterday you would understand what this writing project was for.
I did not support the war in Iraq in fact I marched against it here in Canada. I don’t know all the oil arguments or who’s involved. I know that China could make a difference in Darfur and they do not because they get oil and supply funds to the terrorists. And the U.N. does nothing, I Know this. The U.N. Cannot do anything unless its partner countries get on board, so far we don’t know why they have not. Maybe we should investigate this issue with the Chinese government and the U.N. at large. I have heard this discussion come up before.
The WORLD could change on a dime if we refocused our efforts from war to healing the earth and helping those who live on the earth. BUT so much of the world is focused on war. Look at Afghanistan – NOT any other NATO nation wants to get involved to help Canada in their mission, which is VERY unpopular in Canada with its people, and this issue may bring down the government in the next month when Parliament comes back to session and the Prime Minister gives his Throne Speech.
If Iran, Iraq, Israel, Syria, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia and Jordan and the other E.U. nations came together to find a diplomatic route to peace, the wars would end and the people would stop dying. Turkey wants in to the EU. So step up and do something good for the world.
The Muslim faith is on a march to conquer the world, Osama Bin Laden has called for Christians to convert to Islam, and hell will freeze over before we do that. Islam is very misunderstood religion at its core. The fundamental arms of all religions have caused the world serious injury. Read any of my God’s Warriors posts from the CNN presentation by Christianne Amanpour.
The Christians have been on a crusade in the Middle East for OIL, MONEY, OCCUPATION and WAR! The U.S. President should stand trial at the Hague for Crimes against Humanity. The war is unjust and should end. Terrorist supporter countries should stop the funding of terrorists, sectarian violence and hatred. If Iran has its way Israel would be wiped off the map, so says their president, who just the other day questioned 9-11 and the wisdom and history of the Holocaust.
There is no direct diplomatic efforts being made in the Middle East region and everyone is to blame for this lack of diplomatic direction. If the region really wanted PEACE, it would find the way there and the killing, incursions and warring would stop. We know that the Israeli settlements are the biggest road block to mid east peace between the Israeli’s and the Palestinians. The most contested piece of real estate in the world is Jerusalem and everybody wants a piece on their terms, and nobody is willing to let that happen. So the fractured conflict continues.
The wars must stop, and Peace must be our goal, and UNTIL all nations in the region get to the table and start supporting one another to find peaceful resolutions then nothing will happen.
The U.S. needs to stop funneling money for war, they need to get out of Iraq and they need to regain the trust of the world at large. The U.S. needs to regain the respect it has lost over the last decade in the eyes of the world. They are no longer the big bully on the street, but so long as there is OIL in the middle east and everyone wants a stake in that oil, the U.S. will be there because the Bush cartel and the U.S. and many countries around the world STILL depend on Mid-East Oil.
Unless of course you can find another oil field as big in another region of the world that is not so hotly contested. The U.S. has earned a big Scarlett letter for arrogant domination of world policy which they surely did not earn the right way, nor do they operate on very honorable terms, we know this by the U.S. Presidents stance on many issues. Don’t blame the people, blame the government.
IF THE CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALISTS IN THE U.S. HAD NOT VOTED FOR BUSH, “TWICE” WE WOULD NOT BE IN THE MESS THE WORLD IS IN TODAY!!! And that’s the God’s honest Truth. But they had to stop the gays because they posed a greater issue to the United States than voting for the RIGHT candidate. I KNOW THIS.
With the opening of the Northwest Passage and the melting of the North, we may find much needed oil and we can begin to draw down from the middle east. But with that comes other concerns like Arctic Sovereignty. And that is the next battle that Canada is going to fight with Russia, the U.S. and Denmark.
There are many arguments to talk about, and many points. and I am not a world diplomat scholar. But I do study religion and so I CAN play the God card any time I please. That’s what religion scholars do.
If you are going to comment on this blog, you should have a good understanding of context. So read back into my archives and understand what I know about the three Monotheistic religions, because that is my area of scholarly concentration. Which I do have a degree to hold up as proof of study. You may agree, you may not. That’s not my problem. It’s yours…. But thank you for playing.
Wrapped in a Blanket…
All right, Inspiration… Chad Fox …
Have you ever felt free? In recovery we call these moments of clarity. The blessed feeling of freedom – working through issues in sobriety are truly spiritual experiences. This is one of those days that you wish lasted longer than they do. The harvest moon is upon us tonight, I saw it walking home from class tonight.
The past few days have been days of thought, prayer and transformation. over the years in sobriety I have always maintained that if you need anything – that you take your need to a meeting. If you have a problem, or you need anything, ANYTHING, or you need advice, then take it to a meeting. I’ve actively worked my faith and my sobriety – not like I don’t on a daily basis.
I pray, and I use the tools given me and afforded me by crucial people in my life today. I went to those people as of late to receive spiritual counseling, prayer, the sacraments and guidance and advice. Then afterwards, I attended mass and I left my burden in the Cathedral and I walked home with a friend.
Last night I did some writing, and then I prayed and set off to bed. I went to bed with a clear conscience. I slept in this morning because I felt like it. I love that, the ability to make a decision about sleep because I can and I do.
I spent the afternoon reading for class and I went to class tonight, and when I walked into the classroom, I had an overwhelming feeling of freedom. It is like the world shifted on its axis. It may just be the moon cycle and I am in an up direction, I don’t know.
I sat down in class and had an amazing conversation about my home town, because my teacher, spent the weekend there at a conference, literally across the street from where I lived before moving here. They call that synchronicity.
There are no coincidences…
One of my friends came in and once again, synchronicity… We had a moment of connection which just made me feel that all was well in the world. THEN we got to see an episode from The West Wing – “Take this Sabbath Day” which was from season one of the drama.
It was the story of an issue over the death penalty and what happens when an issue is brought to the highest office in the land. I laughed, I wept and I giggled. We all did, the class had a very spirited discussion about ethics and morality. Which I got!!
I have surrounded myself with people that advise me, comfort me, support me and guide me and tonight, it was like I walked into the classroom and a blanket was wrapped around me – which is an odd sensation to occur at school. But I felt that sensation tonight. I did the right thing, the next right thing, I was true to myself and to God and I walked the walk and it paid off in spiritual dividends.
I guess that I have learned to apply the things I learn in class to life, I know where to bring my problems and issues, and I know who to go to to talk things out so that I am not making a decision on my own without introspection or review. But that is my method. It is tried and true. This was a gift that I was given at school – that if I needed to bounce anything off someone in particular, that I was afforded that ability.
I did some reading tonight, of my favorite blogs, as usual every evening. If you get a chance go over and visit Cooper’s Corridor, as he has some wonderful news to share with you. Needless to say, this young man is a trailblazer in more ways than one. And we are so very proud of him and his family. I think that Cooper’s Corridor is a blog that should be mandatory reading for everyone.
Secondly, my adopted son, Rob from Vancouver at “My Life” is another must read on a daily basis, just because he is dear to me and I’ve followed him for a number of years now and he writes such amazing stuff. So go check him out as well.
Thirdly, another read that I enjoy is “Real Euphoria” just because it is a beautiful blog and his posts are insightful, sometimes spiritual and real. Not that all of the blogs are real, it just seems that real euphoria has some very interesting insights and he writes evocative posts. Not to mention that the photography is wonderful too…
Ok that is three… go read them.
Premier week continues – I got to see Private Practice with Kate Walsh and now C.S.I. New York. Tomorrow brings C.S.I. [Vegas] and Grey’s Anatomy. Tomorrow I will be posting the T.R. Knight “love fest” photo of the week so stay tuned.
Campaign is tomorrow … join us, write – and share what you think should be stopped. I am sure what I have to offer will blow you away so, stay tuned…
Ethics …
I do have them, and morals too…
Aside from the lessons given me by my family and those I trust over the years, I am just like anyone else. Taking a Christian Ethics course in Theology is bringing with it a lot of inner work, self reflection, thoughts and issues. Take today’s discussion about the experience of Moral Responsibility.
Moving through the lecture to Horizons and Conversions: Encountering the Other.
- Horizons: the literal or visual meaning (what we can see and what we cannot)
- Moral Horizons: awareness primarily in the experience of limits and contrast; the encounter of “difference,” “fitting or not fitting.”
- Three Dimensions of Moral Horizons
A. The Known
B. The Known Unknown
C. The Unknown Unknown
D. Reordering our moral landscape: breakdowns and conversions
I know things. There are things I don’t know, and there are things I don’t know, I don’t know. For example: If you never knew a Gay person or a person with AIDS, in your life experience until you happened upon us, that would be an unknown unknown.
Firstly, Once something is known, it no longer is an Unknown. Secondly, the unknown unknown becomes a known unknown, until you investigate and assess and either accept or deny it. And once you become comfortable with the unknown you move to the Third level and that unknown becomes a known.
As of late I have experienced a list of emotions about a series of encounters over the past week, which have left me in a state of “what the fuck!” I am not one for confrontation, but I can move from angel to cast iron bitch in 60 seconds, which happened, recently to me, and hasn’t in a very long time. And I didn’t like it at all one bit. And that’s my right to feel.
I am not ready to commit to anyone or any project until I am ready.
It came as no surprise that Pandora’s Box was opened in class tonight, and we placed several hot button issues on the table, which left me a little frazzled to say the least because Fr. Ray addressed them directly and heated discussion ensued. All I wanted to do at the end of class was run as fast and as far away from that room as I could.
It was all too much for me to handle. Lord only knows that I am the only queer in the class! But that is my observation. I am always on guard in a room full of others, when talking about morals and ethics in Christianity and I am sitting in the room amid the discussion.
I have to censor or shall I better say, tune my reading machine a little tighter. People with AIDS are great listeners, we listen to what you say in company, and we watch your body language. My radar was way off tonight and I was at dis-ease…
I don’t know what to think about coming out to a classroom full of people at my age, I am fragile when it comes to my feelings and emotions, which was only exacerbated by a recent verbal altercation which left me feeling numb, indifferent and stolid.
I am going to take the rest of the week and weekend off from commitments and take care of my feelings and my emotions and I need to think and pray about my priorities and what those priorities are. This is my short list:
- Sobriety – Emotional and Mental
- My Own Person
- My Husband
- My School Work
- And that’s about it for right now…
I am hoping that connections made, may turn fruitful and multiply. But I surely am not holding my breath – I took the first step – the rest is up to everyone else. It was a good week school wise. I am committed to my education even more now because I am focused and spiritually sound, for the most part, aside from the oft spat. I am more sound with the reflection of Celtic Christianity that Randall sent me today. I need to sit with that meditation for the weekend while I pray about what I am going to do next.
This is my blog and I write whatever the hell I please. And if someone has a problem, then kindly click the “next blog” button in the upper right hand corner of the page. [Indicated by the little arrow] The opinions and items written here are solely the opinions of its writer and I remind you that “If You have a problem with me, then there must be something wrong with You!” And I also remember in sobriety, “What You think about me is None of my business.”
I am morally and ethically conflicted about some issues and until I iron out how I am going to either allow myself to deal with and incorporate them or eradicate them from my life, please give me the space I require.
I have values, and they have been compromised. So now I am asking “Value” or “Act” questions, What should I do? and Is this the right thing to do? and What else might I do?
From our notes it reads:
From Moral knowledge to moral action, from judgment to decision, from intellectual conversion to moral conversion: Will I do it – or not? “When we decide, we transform moral knowledge into reality by taking the answers to the ‘act’ questions and doing them. When we do thus, we are responding to an inner demand that our doing be consistent with our knowing, testing the integrity of our convictions.
On the importance of “educating” our feelings: developing a mind that feels and a heart that thinks. “If we cultivate virtues, we must cultivate morally excellent feelings.”
I reflect on Randall’s words:
“As I read the books and prayed the Celtic Office day after day I began to notice that their approach to what was the core was different than mine.
Celtic Spirituality is marked by a belief that the deepest part of us isn’t sinfulness, it’s the image of God. That deep in there, deeper still than original sin, is this sense that we were created in the Image of the Holy One, God Himself. They refuse to define themselves by the ugliness of their failings, and choose rather to define themselves by the beauty of their origins.
It doesn’t necessarily disagree with scripture, but it is a different way of thinking of oneself. I like that it sets God back at the core of things, not my evil nature. I like how it doesn’t allow me to blame my evil nature when I fail and sin, and without wanting to shift responsibility, I like how it shifts the story from my absolute weakness, to God’s absolute love. There is something to that, and as I’ve allowed myself to explore the effects this understanding may have on my belief system, I find a greater appreciation for Gods love,
growing in me.It’s like, He didn’t create me evil, he created me after his own heart, his own image. That subtle shift is profound and it works itself out in hope filled ways. The second shift in my thinking has come about as I’ve read of the Celtic tradition of the belief in the essential goodness of creation.
Not only is creation viewed as a blessing from God, but an expression of God. It’s like a communication to us from God, and often in Celtic literature it’s referred to as the book of creation. What this does in effect is to merge the sense of that which is spirit and that which is matter. For the Celts it was all one anyway.
Whether I realized it or not, my training helped to establish within me an understanding that physical things, fleshly, earthly matter has brokenness about it. At it’s heart its evil and groaning under the weight of existence. While things of the spirit are holy and of God.
In our desire to separate spirit and matter we have distanced the mystery of God from the matter of creation. Again it goes back to the fall of humankind. Something God created is now not to be trusted, because mankind sinned.
The Celtic understanding does away with the notion that the things that are Spirit are good and the things that are physical and made of matter are evil. This allows humanity to celebrate and be thankful for the gift of creation, and how beautifully it was created. Again this subtle shift has far reaching effects.
It makes me concerned with how this world is cared for, and how we treat it. It removes the sense that it’s evil and broken so who cares how it’s treated. It causes me to look closely at the delicate beauty of nature and the language of love God communicates to me through it, and I respond with praise and gratitude for His great love for me.
Even the fact that he allows tremendous beauty to exist where no one can see it just confirms to me again the greatness of God. I confess this approach is a much more wholesome one than I’ve seen in many western churches and Christians who consume without thought, feeling that the earth is damaged goods anyway. I don’t like how easy it is to say “This thing that God created was good, and this thing that God created isn’t good because we messed it up!”
These two small shifts are effecting how I and God relate, and how I care for his creation. From the guy across the street to the lawn I get to mow, I’m seeing with different eyes. It’s also begun to shift how I picture my own soul. The picture I shared earlier is for me an image infused with the sense of Celtic faith. That new image of my Soul gives me a lot of hope. It will effect how I care for others in foundational ways.
My conclusions about Iona are that it is indeed a thin place where heaven and earth nearly kiss. God was very “Hearable” there and in fact during one day of prayer there He brought up something that’s been bugging me about our relationship for years and years.
He spoke clearly into my spirit about it, and ever since that moment the struggle between us has disappeared, gone, not even a whisper of it.Turned out to be the best part of the trip. A holy healing moment.
“He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”Micah 6:8
