Home …

As you know, I’ve been out of sorts for a few days. And today was Tuesday and I had a ritual to keep today. I got up this morning to drop our packages at the post office for Christmas and then came home and spent the day resting. I am finding it a challenge having so much down time from responsibilities and school, since we are off for the holidays. I remarked to a friend tonight that I have noticed the “open space” in my head now that I am not consumed with studies and “people” since Nikki and Peter have departed from my life.

And I am finding that disconcerting…

I set off for the diner at 3:30. I had to pick up cookies for the meeting and then went for coffee. Last night I started reading my Nouwen book, which I am finding really “up my alley.” I continued the reading today at the diner. I guess you could say that I am restless in my solitude and I am trying to find “things” to occupy that solitude. In reading Nouwen, I see that it is ok and preferable to have some solitude in our lives. It is good to have time set aside to do nothing but be present to the stirrings of the Spirit of God.

The Discipline of Solitude

Nouwen writes:

“To bring some solitude into our lives is one of the most necessary but also most difficult disciplines. Even though we may have a deep desire for real solitude, we also experience a certain apprehension as we approach that solitary place and time.

As soon as we are alone, without people to talk with, books to read, TV to watch, or phone calls to make, an inner chaos opens up in us. This chaos can be so disturbing and so confusing that we can hardly wait to get busy again. Entering a private room and shutting the door, therefore, does not mean that we immediately shut out all our inner doubts, anxieties, fears, bad memories, unresolved conflicts, angry feelings, and impulsive desires.

On the contrary, when we have removed our outer distractions, we often find that our inner distractions manifest themselves to us in full force…

Solitude is not a spontaneous response to an occupied and preoccupied life. There are too many reasons not to be alone. Therefore we must begin by carefully planning some solitude.”

So this is the way the reading was going at one point. Amid all the bustle and noise of the diner, I was sitting in my solitude reading a holy book. It was good. While I was sitting there reading, drinking my coffee I was also paying attention to the musack that was playing in the bar at the diner. [It is a two service diner, with a restaurant and a bar in the same location. There are also VLT's onsite. "video lottery terminals" ]

As I am reading I could not help but point my ears to the music that was playing, I guess you could say I was not fully immersed in my book, like I should have been. One after another the songs were coming on. Abba, Barbra Streisand and other tunes from my childhood were playing.

The Cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little boy blue and the man on the moon, when ya coming home dad, I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then…

So I am reading a book, watching the diners around me, they are all the same on that day[today], like clockwork, the same people, the same seats, the same dishes at the same time. And I am singing to myself the music that was playing. Then it happened. The piano introd and then the music…

“You’ll never find, as long as you live
Someone who loves you tender like I do
You’ll never find, no matter where you search
Someone who cares about you the way I do…”

I was immediately transported back to my childhood. I could not tear myself away from the song. I could see the house and the stereo in the living room, which my father had turned on a few moments before, as was ritual then, when I was a kid, to get the house moving for work and school.

It is cold outside, it was the first time it ever snowed in Florida and I sat there and thought about my father for the entire time that song was playing. I could not help but think about the words to the song as being delivered by my father to me in that moment [now]. Back then I was a little boy, and I still had the love of my parents, and the line comes up…

“You’re gonna miss my lovin’ (you’re gonna miss my lovin’)
You’re gonna miss my lovin’ (you’re gonna miss my lovin’)
You’re gonna miss, you’re gonna miss my lo-o-ove…”

In that moment, as I was sitting in the diner, I was missing that lovin. And it was odd for me at that moment as that thought ran through my head. It’s hard to believe today that my family chooses to live the way they live. It is a far cry from the way we lived when I was a kid. But this was a specific moment I was having at the diner…

I could not pay attention to the words on the page, so I closed my book, finished my coffee and set off  for the church. It has been frigidly cold all day, but it was ok, without the wind blowing. I started with the coffee and then set up the chairs. I know Owen was pissed that I set up the chairs because he wanted to do something to be of service. And I explained the ritual to him when he came in. It’s all good…

Today’s topic came from Hazelden’s Stools and Bottles, and Step Two.

“… We need help all right bot not the kind we, or any other human being, can render. The seond leg of our recovery stool is suggested by Step Two. It is help from “A Power greater than ourselves – to restore us to sanity.” Suggestions for this help are taken from a basic law of recovery. It does not fail those who sincerely use it. Having failed with our own power, perhaps we can regain our sanity from faith in a Higher Power. others have done it…”

I dumped what was on my mind, what I had written here the other day about the torturous nightmares I was having about my slip. And after the meeting I was talking to Nancy and she said that maybe these dreams were a signal that I should return to basics. She said that there was nothing new to learn, by way of the steps, she said, it was all within me. But maybe it was time to reflect on the steps as they happened for me in the beginning of my sobriety.  These dreams have evoked great fear. It reminds me how close the drink is if I do not maintain my spiritual connection to my Higher Power.

She had asked me about my cake last week, since it was my Anniversary on the 9th. I was indifferent about it since I already have my seven year chip in my wallet. But I decided to stay for the second meeting because she said that she had a good speaker. Saleem.

Wow, that was a blast from the past. Saleem spoke tonight. I remember Saleem from early sobriety. He was doing some of the same meetings I was doing when I first got sober. He called that period in his story tonight, “flirting with the program” he did not stick, he continued in his experimentation and now he has 17 months of sobriety. It was funny because back then, when he was marking time, I was giving him his monthly chips that first year…

Some stay, some go, few return to do it again…

He returned and is doing it again. It seems that he has a hold on sobriety because he said that he is still in fear of relapsing. In time, that fear will lessen, the longer he stays in the program, I am glad I stayed in. I think he was surprised when after the meeting Nancy said that she would bring my cake next week so that I could celebrate the right way, cake and all. And Saleem asked how much time I had, and I said seven years… He was surprised.

What struck me in his story was the fact that he grew up in Montreal. The final child of six siblings. And he said that for the first time in his life, he was comfortable and that he was able to call Montreal home. It was the notion of “Home” that stuck out for me.

I spent the balance of my life in Florida. 30 years of my life. I lived in Florida, I drank in Florida, I was diagnosed in Florida. In that moment tonight, as I pondered “home” I could understand what he meant about planting ones self in a community. I came to Montreal in 2002, I was following my heritage on my mother’s side of the family. I stayed a week, I loved it, I stayed for another week. I returned from Montreal to Miami, packed all my shit and came back to Montreal to stay. [We call this a geographic]

I pulled a geographic in sobriety twice. The first time, I pulled a geographic across the country and slipped for 18 months. I returned to home base [Miami] from that slip and eventually got sober a second time. The second geographic I pulled was in sobriety again. This time I did the right thing. I got connected immediately. I went to meetings and I started building a life for myself.

I went to many, many meetings. I did my aftercare, I saw a transitional counselor who helped me situate myself in the city. I worked my ass off. While I waited for my citizenship to come through, all I did was go to meetings around the clock. On February 17th, 2003 I became a Canadian Citizen.

I had already met the man I would eventually marry and build a home with. I had firm roots in the city that I still love, to this day. I think you can understand what it means to really love the place you live in, as an adult, Montreal is where I call “Home.” Because this is where I began to really live.

I went back to school in Montreal. I got married in Montreal. I earned a degree in Religious Studies in Montreal. I got sober and I’ve stayed sober in Montreal. I have a home group, Tuesday Beginners, for the last seven years. I have seen many people come and go, some return, many did not…

Montreal is such a beautiful city. You just have to experience that beauty for yourself to get the full picture of what I am trying to say. It is a city steeped in religious tradition. It is a city steeped in French Quebec culture, language, life and love. I understand what it means to call this city “home.”

If you’ve never been to Montreal, you should come and visit. The Summer festival season is something that I think everyone should experience once in their lives. For me I get to do it every year. The festival season is a ritual for the city. Every season, winter included has its very own ritual practices. That is one reason that I love this city.

I’ve learned a great deal about myself in sobriety in this city. You could say that I really grew up here. I learned to Love here. I grew in sobriety here. This is my home.

At the church there is a prayer that sits above the table where we chair from at the meeting. The prayer of St. Francis is something that is part of Tuesday Beginner’s sobriety.

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

A good lesson to learn in sobriety is that it is just as important to be loved as it is to love… I have great people in my life. It was a great day, as you can see by this sermon I have just written for you. Jon is going to tell me again that I write too much… ok, that’s all for now…

December 16, 2008 | Categories: A.A., Addiction, Alchemy, Alcoholics anonymous, All About Me, Canada, Christianity, Community, Education, Faith, Family, Friends, Gay, God, Helping Others, Human Kindness, Integrity, Leadership, LGBTQ, Life Lessons, Marriage, Meditations, Miami, Ministry, Montreal, Pastoral Ministries, Prayers, Relationships, Seasons, Sober Rants, SOBRIETY, Spiritual Direction, Theology, Tradition, Writers | 1 Comment »