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Presidential Proclamation …

Courtesy: BarackObama Tumblr

The Greatest Commandment Matthew 22:34-40

Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

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You wonder if all those voters read the same bible as I do? And if they do, why did they vote the way they voted? Because in the end Love will win. You reap what you sow people. And one day, you will reap it big …

Posted by jeremiahandrews | May 10, 2012 | Categories: 2012, Alchemy, All About Me, Christianity, Civil Rights, Community, Faith, Family, Friends, Gay, God, Helping Others, Homophobia, Homosexual, Human Kindness, Human Rights, Integrity, Leadership, LGBTQ, Life Lessons, Photography, Relationships, Religion, Scripture, Spiritual Direction, Tradition, Tumble, Tumblr, U.S. Politics, Words, Writers | Leave A Comment »

Obama Backs Gay Marriage

Courtesy: HuffingtonPost-Sam Stein

WASHINGTON — In a nod to a dramatic shift in public opinion, Barack Obama on Wednesday became the first sitting president to announce his support for same-sex marriage.

In a sit-down interview with ABC’s Robin Roberts, Obama completed what has been a markedly long and oft-mocked evolution on the matter.

“I’ve always been adamant that gay and lesbian Americans should be treated fairly,” Obama told Roberts, in an interview that will air in full on ABC’s “Good Morning America” Thursday.

“I have to tell you that over the course of several years as I have talked to friends and family and neighbors when I think about members of my own staff who are in incredibly committed monogamous relationships, same-sex relationships, who are raising kids together, when I think about those soldiers or airmen or marines or sailors who are out there fighting on my behalf and yet feel constrained, even now that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is gone, because they are not able to commit themselves in a marriage, at a certain point I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married,” he said.

The statement constitutes an act of political bravery on the president’s behalf, as well as a major victory for the gay rights community, which has been pushing him to declare his support for marriage equality for several years. With the issue back in the news this week, the pressure intensified.

On Sunday, Vice President Joseph Biden told NBC’s “Meet The Press” that he was personally comfortable with same-sex marriage, which was followed the next day by Education Secretary Arne Duncan saying the same.

The White House insisted that there was no daylight between the vice president’s position and the president’s, noting that Biden clarified his statement as being in reference to civil rights for gay couples. But the explanation was largely dismissed by both supporters and critics as a convenient way for the president to signal support for marriage equality without having to declare it himself.

On Tuesday evening, the state of North Carolina passed an amendment that defined marriage as a union between a man and a woman. The president expressed his disappointment with the measure, but it remained difficult to square his opposition to a measure outlawing same-sex marriage with his opposition to same-sex marriage itself.

As the political pressure continued to mount, the president finally chose to speak out Wednesday, with the White House hastily scheduling a sit-down interview.

“It’s interesting, some of this is also generational,” the president said. “You know when I go to college campuses, sometimes I talk to college Republicans who think that I have terrible policies on the economy, on foreign policy, but are very clear that when it comes to same sex equality or, you know, believe in equality. They are much more comfortable with it. You know, Malia and Sasha, they have friends whose parents are same-sex couples. There have been times where Michelle and I have been sitting around the dinner table and we’re talking about their friends and their parents and Malia and Sasha, it wouldn’t dawn on them that somehow their friends’ parents would be treated differently. It doesn’t make sense to them and frankly, that’s the kind of thing that prompts a change in perspective.”

The president’s support of same-sex marriage will have little political impact, from a practical standpoint, as much of the activity on the issue is currently occurring in the states and the courts. Already the Obama administration’s Department of Justice has stopped defending the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), which defines marriage as a legal union between a man and a woman. Legislation to overturn DOMA outright would likely be blocked by congressional Republicans.

The more promising path for same-sex marriage advocates remains a friendly hearing by the United States Supreme Court.

Still, the symbolism of Obama’s remarks is hard to ignore. In becoming the first president to publicly support marriage equality, he sets the bar for its political acceptance. He also has the ability to shape public opinion further on the matter.

Of course, there may be drawbacks to such a strong expression of support. While recent polls show that popular support for marriage equality is gaining widespread acceptance, some pivotal swing states remain largely opposed to the concept. And one of them, North Carolina, remains a major target for the president’s reelection campaign.

“The question is, is there a risk?” a prominent Democratic Party official who requested anonymity told The Huffington Post after Biden’s remarks. “It is not nationwide [polling] we are talking about. We are talking about Virginia, North Carolina and other swing states. And we are talking about, would Karl Rove and his team stoop to using horribly grotesque and hateful tactics … and would that peel off 10,000 votes?”

As of Wednesday, that question was hypothetical. Now, it’s a critical component of the 2012 election.

Posted by jeremiahandrews | May 9, 2012 | Categories: 2012, Barack Obama, Community, Family, Gay, Helping Others, Human Kindness, Human Rights, Integrity, Leadership, LGBTQ, Marriage, President Obama, Presidential Campaign, Relationships, U.S. Politics, VOTE, Words, Writers | Leave A Comment »

North Carolina be on Notice …

FACEBOOK PAGE: Repeal Amendment One

The Majority voted on the rights of the Minority. It is a sad state of affairs that you have turned back the clock, instead of embracing the future.

It is time for the L.G.B.T.Q Community to get up.

To begin the movement to REPEAL AMENDMENT ONE !!!

Stand up and be counted.

And woe to you ignorant bastards that voted for One. Woe is you.

It is a terrible day for our community and we stand with you to say

North Carolina voted the wrong way on history, acceptance and inclusion.

We will have our day, you can’t stop the wheels of change. The day will come and we will be the victors …

ALL PRECINCTS HAVE REPORTED:
Here are the stats:

There are 6,296,759 registered voters in this state
2,164,074 people VOTED or 34.37%
4,132,865 people DID NOT VOTE

There were 1,303,952 votes FOR the Amendment-61.05%
There were 831,788 votes AGAINST the Amendment-38.95%
We lost by a total of 472,164 VOTES

SHAME on the over 4 million people who chose NOT TO VOTE.

Posted by jeremiahandrews | May 8, 2012 | Categories: 2012, Bigotry, Coming Out, Community, Faith, Family, Friends, Gay, God, Helping Others, Homophobia, Homosexual, Human Kindness, Human Rights, Integrity, Leadership, LGBTQ, Life Lessons, Relationships, Words, Writers | Leave A Comment »

To Watch Loneliness Vanish …

Courtesy: Wrestlingisbest

Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn’t quite belong. Either we were shy, and dared not draw near others, or we were noisy good fellows constantly craving attention and companionship, but rarely getting it. There was always that mysterious barrier we could neither surmount nor understand.

*** *** *** ***

Life takes on new meaning in A.A. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends — this is an experience not to be missed.

As Bill Sees It Pg. 90

It is raining, well, it is trying to rain. And you know, here in Montreal, it never really rains for long, if it does at all. It was a drizzly day today. The kind of drizzle that makes you have to carry an umbrella and for the most part not use it because it is just a pain in the ass, but you carry it nonetheless, because you never know if the sky is going to open and real rain fall from the sky.

The week had a great start. My Ebay purchase is in the pike to me as I write tonight. On Sunday I filed my last paper for Geography, my prof is going green and wanted us to submit electronically, instead of going to school and handing in a paper copy. We are now waiting on final grades for our final exam and final paper this coming week. On Monday I had my last Psychology class, and next Monday is our final and I will then be finished with my educational career FOREVER !!!

Today was a good day. I wandered to the church as usual. I have a few MP3′s on my phone of “E.P.C.O.T.” (Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow). I downloaded some of the ride music, like from Horizon’s ( that no longer exist), Imagination, Spaceship Earth and so forth and so on. I have them on loop and they play over and over again… So that has been my soundtrack as of late.

I finished set up by 5, because my girls come early to read their books. And tonight one of our women brought me a gift of a $15.00 I-Tunes Card as a thank you for just being present. Very cool.

The meeting was packed. We sat 42 folks. And we read from As Bill Sees It, from the above noted reading. Everybody in the room got to share, sans myself. My sponsor noted that newcomers take precedence and since I had ten years that it was ok that I did not get to share. So I will do that here.

Early on in my alcoholic career I always surrounded myself with people, be they friends, acquaintances, or allies. I never drank at home, it was always done in a club, with music, drag queens and club kids. And that life lasted long into my twenties. As long as I was young and pretty I was fair game.

Then the series of life tragedies came my way and life got ugly. Still in my twenties my diagnosis turned me from a pretty boy, into pariah overnight.

I became “other.” Something not to be touched or acknowledged. But still the drinking continued. I went from partying in the presence of friends and fellows, to partying on the periphery wanting so much to be part of, but knowing deep inside that I would never be ” Part Of ” ever again.

It was good that at that point I got sober. Because I was terribly lonely and if the fellows who came into my life during that period had not, I surely would not be here today.

That first few years of sobriety were years of heartache and pain. Queens can be very catty and mean. And they made it very difficult to maintain, but I did it just to spite them. I was not One of Them. I wouldn’t call that first sober community fellowship. And I think that those first four years were all about staying sober on the periphery. And I think that’s why I went out …

By the time I was partway through my SLIP, I had moved back to Miami Beach and I was well into my 30′s now. I drank to fit in. To be part of. But it was a lonely slog. I wasn’t 21 any more, I was defective and I was as far from buff, beautiful, and brawny as I could be. But still I kept at it, partying in the club with the big pretty boys and I was alone in a crowded room. It was a terribly lonely existence.

I had very few friends. And there was nobody there to take notice that I was so lonely. It was just me and an empty studio apartment. I don’t know who it was that poured me into a taxi and brought me home week in and week out after blacking out at the club. I never figured that one out.

But loneliness would come to an end. And thank God it did.

Someone up there was watching out for me. Maybe my landlord, or the man who gave me something to do with my down time. I later learned that he was sober some time, when I finally made it back.

When I first hit that 10 p.m. meeting, my friend Fonda welcomed me and took me in and then the group took me in and I became “One of them.” It was good that the meeting was ever night, at the same time at the same place. Because it gave me some place to go every night. And after every meeting there was fellowship. We broke bread together almost every night. They kept me on the straight and narrow for a good long time. It being December and all …

And that went on for the first few months until I decided to move here.

And once again, I got involved in fellowship. I met my next sponsor and we took together like best friends. We did everything together. There was not a night that went by that I was alone or lonely. And I was grateful for that gift.

But one night my sponsor had an ego attack, and our relationship ended quite abruptly. Sad, that in sobriety, how hard people fall when their ego’s come to bear.

I have been part of the same fellowship for more than 10 years now. With the dawn of social media I am never far way from another alcoholic, either by phone or by Facebook or at a meeting. And I like it that way.

It is a gift to sit in the same room week in and week out for years and years because I get to see newcomers come in and get sober. And they come in and they are lost, and at some point they “GET IT!” And the elevator goes to the top of the tower and the light comes on and they get their spiritual experience. The first of many to follow.

We get to see 40 plus people come to the meeting every week. And we hear them and watch them and we care for them, because we are community.

It is an experience that must not be missed…

It was a good day, and a good night was had by all.

Stick with the winners, my sponsor shared tonight. I’ll take that …

Good night from Montreal.

Posted by jeremiahandrews | May 8, 2012 | Categories: 2012, A.A., Alchemy, All About Me, Church, Community, Faith, Friends, Gay, God, Helping Others, Human Kindness, Integrity, LGBTQ, Life Lessons, Montreal, Photography, Relationships, Silly Stuff, Skool, Sober, Sober Rants, SOBRIETY, Spiritual Direction, Tradition, Tumble, Tumblr, Women, Words, Writers | Leave A Comment »

A Night and the Next Morning at Wood …

Courtesy: Flickr Ruwolf

The week is at its end. The skies are grey and it is wispy raining about town. They called for rain, and it rained for maybe ten minutes last night and today it is just drizzle.

Wednesday’s Final exam in Geography was ok. I think I did alright. I cranked on the essay. Ask me anything about a hurricane and I could write pages worth of data. The final essay was on Katrina. I jammed it …

Last night grasshopper picked me up around 9 pm and we went to Wood to set up for the anniversary party that took place this morning. He is truly remarkable to be able to pull off shopping, organizing and setting up and orchestrating a finely well oiled machine.

It took us 2 hours to set up last night which brought me home after 11 and a quick dinner and then I hopped into bed for a 6:15 am call this morning for a 6:30 pick up. The car was jammed with stuff.

A group of members showed up early to help set up the perishables this morning and then the kitchen team came in and cooked a HUGE breakfast buffet with pancakes, eggs, sausage, hash browns and assorted other cakes, cookies bagels and juices and coffees.

The place was packed. We sat probably 50 people for the meeting and fed them all afterwards. It was a huge success.

The reading came from the Daily Reflections and the topic was honesty. Since we are in the 5th month of the year, the book is now on Step 5 for the month.

“Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs …”

Today was also the first day I saw Madame Bijoux after our falling out last fall after her slip of 23 years. I was pretty angry and said some unkind things. So we hadn’t spoken since. But you never know when you get the chance to make an amends that mean the world to someone. And so I made my amends and was forgiven. We spent the meeting sitting next to each other talking and catching up then we had breakfast together.

A good time was had by all …

Gratitude list – 4 May 2012.

Being able to make an amends
I got to have a meeting and a great breakfast
I am so glad to have such good friends
I did service just because I could
Grasshopper was grateful
A good day was had by all

That’s all for now. Maybe more later…

Posted by jeremiahandrews | May 4, 2012 | Categories: 2012, Alchemy, All About Me, Community, Friends, Gay, God, Helping Others, Life Lessons, Montreal, Relationships, Sober, Sober Rants, SOBRIETY, Spiritual Direction, Women, Writers, A.A., Words | Leave A Comment »

Our Prayer Butts are Getting Fat …

Courtesy: Flickr Celsorebello

I follow a blog that I find inspiring. It is a community of faith and action. And today’s message spoke to me. “Prayer is the most powerful force on earth.” And it is. But only if we believe in our prayers and that God can move mountains. So hear the message and enjoy …

Found on: DontEatTrash

Last night i heard a man word something well.

“Prayer is the most powerful force on earth”

#agreed

“A group of people can gather together and pray in unbelief, or a few can pray in faith and see God move in giant ways.”

#agreed

IF – We had faith that our prayers were powerful, if we prayed like we meant it, if we asked for and received from the creator of the planet…

THEN – God would move, we would see revival, we would see healings and communal redemption. We would see mountains move.

AND IF THAT’S THE CASE THEN WE HAVE A DECISION.

WE – can continue living in death and unbelief and see nothing. We can pray fervently with our mouths but with our hearts disbelieve our loved ones will heal or our youth groups will get revelation about love or our marriages will get better and better and better.

WE CAN LIVE THE LIVES WE WERE CREATED FOR.

On our knees in prayer and obedience and on our feet in celebration.
Found in the arms of love, returned to the throne room we were destined for.

I heard this prayer being prayed by 600 people.

Imagine Australia if we prayed this loudly over each other every morning.

“I receive fresh fire and fresh anointing Jesus

Every yoke working against my spiritual growth BREAK in the name of Jesus.
Every area of incomplete deliverance in my life receive complete deliverance.
Every destructive habit designed to waste my calling DIE in the name of Jesus.
Holy Ghost fire destroy every work of darkness in my life.”

Posted by jeremiahandrews | May 3, 2012 | Categories: 2012, Alchemy, Bloggers, Christianity, Community, Faith, God, Helping Others, Human Kindness, Integrity, Leadership, Life Lessons, Ministry, Montreal, Pastoral Ministries, Prayers, Relationships, Spiritual Direction, Words, Writers | 2 Comments »

Tuesday Thoughts …

Courtesy: RawrDaniel

There is a chill in the air and it was a grey day today. It spitted misty rain all evening and we are sitting at 9c at this hour. They say it’s gonna rain …

Tonight I won my EBAY item that I had bid on like a mad man over the past week.

Funny that, I posted a bid and the item went wild with other bidders, but I just had a feeling. So I punched in enough money that I would carry the listing all the way to the end. And so it went, the price remained steady for a couple of days and then someone would challenge my bid, and I would crank up my bid by $10. Every time someone else bid, I cranked $10.00 more.

At the end I bid a total of $160.00 for a pair of boots I have been looking for, like forever. I won with a total price of $105.50. And I know the person I won these from, he is a fellow blogger. I am one happy camper !!!

*** *** *** ***

The week started off with a bang. It feels very good to be financially secure for the first time in a long time. My M.I.L. is not doing very well after hip surgery, and she is in a short term care facility and my F.I.L. is all by himself, so hubby is going to go visit him soon for a few days to sort him out and make sure he has everything that he needs and that he is not alone. Hubby’s brother and family live in Ottawa as well, so they are going to triangulate Dad’s care so he’s not alone for a long time.

I cranked through my second Psychology exam and passed it. Last night we had class and one more next week and then the final exam on Monday the 14th. Tomorrow is my final exam in Geography. I still have to finish writing my Colony Collapse Disorder Essay. That’s due on the 9th.

There are huge stacks of exams sorted all over our living room floor as hubby’s grading contract is coming to an end, and he had hundreds of exams to grade and sort this past week. He finally finished the grading and got the grades in last night.

*** *** *** ***

The great coffee drama is over …

Over the past few days I have been writing here, much to the consternation of a few folks over at F.W.E. And it all came to a head yesterday when a member dropped off new keys to me for the cabinet. And once again I got scolded like a child for writing on my blog. I am 45 years old and if I wanted to be scolded for being myself, I would move home. I don’t need to be scolded by anyone.

So I was finished with them. I came upstairs and went on Facebook and deleted everybody from my sober Montreal circle. I un-friended 10 people and turned off subscribers. Then last night I asked grasshopper to drive me to drop off those keys to said member this morning.

I wrote a termination notice, signed it and put it and the keys in an envelope and delivered the package to the matriarch early this morning. Last night I had a long talk with my sponsor about this whole debacle. And he is of the mind that there are some people who go to that meeting who say they are sober, but in real life they are miserably abstinent and not very sober. And that I don’t need that kind of drama in my life and that I still had a home group where people love and need me … So I turned in my keys and ended my relationship with Friday West End.

So I have to find a replacement for a Friday meeting and I will probably substitute Thursday Night St. Matthias right down the street from here in stead of a Friday night meeting. Because traveling to the butt end of NDG West End is a bus ride from hell and getting back is a pain in the ass. Hopefully my sponsor will want to hit Chateauguay one Friday night here and there. We haven’t been there in a long time.

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This afternoon I got out of the house earlier than usual, because I figured that after knowing folks come to the hall for 5, that I would make sure that the room was set up by 5 tonight. Well, it was 10 past 5 when I finished up. But nobody showed up until around 5:30.

We packed the house and sat 40 folks. We read from the Big Book, and the last story in Edition #4. “AA Taught him how to handle Sobriety.”

After the past couple of says, when it came time for me to share, I just passed because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say, and when that happens, I’d rather keep my mouth shut and listen. The shares went all the way around the room, everybody got in tonight. We had a handful of newbies take chips. It was a good night overall. Everybody was happy and joyful.

I went, I did my service and people were grateful for the meeting.

They say that every day we should be grateful for 5 things …

Hubby made a fantastic stir fry last night for dinner
It is Tuesday and I am always grateful for Tuesday’s
I rid myself of needless drama once and for all
Hubby is making a great dinner tonight
School is almost over
There is food in the fridge
There is a warm bed to sleep in
And a roof over our head

I have everything I need and a little more, thanks to Ebay and Ruff.

A good night was had by all.

Stay tuned, more to come…

Posted by jeremiahandrews | May 1, 2012 | Categories: A.A., Alchemy, All About Me, Bloggers, Community, Education, Facebook, Friends, Helping Others, Integrity, Life Lessons, Montreal, Relationships, Skool, Sober, Sober Rants, SOBRIETY, Tumble, Tumblr, Weather, Women, Words, Writers | Leave A Comment »

The People’s Princesses … Catherine and Diana …

Posted by jeremiahandrews | April 29, 2012 | Categories: 2012, Alchemy, Diana Princess of Wales, Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, People's Princess, The Royal Wedding, William and Harry, Wills and Kate, Women | Leave A Comment »

April 29, 2012 … One Year On …

Posted by jeremiahandrews | April 28, 2012 | Categories: Alchemy, Church, Faith, Human Kindness, Kate Middleton, Marriage, Monarchy, Photography, Prince William, Relationships, The Royal Wedding, Wills and Kate, Writers | 1 Comment »

More Sober than the Blog !!!

They say that “What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas …” So I’ve been told. And I surely did not sign confidentiality agreements when I joined a group.

Who you see here, what you say here, when you leave here, let it stay here.

Is the quote you raise. I respect the anonymity statement. I mention few names in my posts. Or I use monickers for them. When it comes to my personal interactions, they are fair game. I try not to air other people’s laundry.

But this is my blog. It is my space.

As for the blog, once it hits the blog I am done with it. Whether I am sober a year or ten years, I reserve the right to print whatever I wish to print here. I tell stories about life. My life. My sobriety. And the people I meet along the way. Because no meeting is perfect however hard we want them to be.

I have responsibilities to two groups. And there is a marked difference to both communities I serve. At T.B’s nobody competes for place of honor or having to hear their name called after a meeting. We dispense with ego and the drama that ensues from such ego drama. I come, do my service and everybody is grateful that I work so hard to make that meeting happen. Like in New York, everybody has a job and we are grateful to have that job and we all work together for a united community in sobriety.

I take that very same enthusiasm to F.W.E and I do what is asked of me and I never complained about that job. However, there are those who treat me like a second class citizen, ignoring me, talking behind my back and to the side of my face like I wasn’t there.

I would have let this go and chalk it up to someone having a bug up his ass. But he took it a step further by demeaning me IN MY PRESENCE !!! That is an unforgivable sin in my book. Hey, you may not like me, but I did not come here to hate or dislike anyone. But that dislike has been growing for some time.

I did not invite it. It just came to me for some strange reason.

People who come to F.W.E have made several comments about the way they are treated when they enter the hall, and it isn’t all good, yet I keep my mouth shut and don’t say a word. But you stick around long enough and you get to know people, and they begin to trust you and then they start talking …

I do not ascribe to any Clique. I am just a servant of the group. And I guess I sit on the periphery and I just sit back and listen. And I observe. I can tell you how many weeks I sat in my chair before the first person said hello to me when I first started going to the meeting.

Other people observe as well. We just don’t come to a meeting and shut off our brains and our feelings. People have been bent out of shape though some choose to return to the meeting because we have asked them to be patient and to come for the messenger and the message, and try to ignore the personalities that rub them the wrong way. But some, would rather not come to the meeting because they have already made up their minds about people and personalities and that is a shame.

You’re not going to – or have to – like everyone in a meeting.

People who are 50 + years sober speak the same message.

Go to Meetings
Do Service
Stay out of Politics
Be Kind to Others
Work with Others
Do your Steps

I try to do this, and it seems to backfire in my face. I took on coffee when the man doing coffee had an ego breakdown and shot his mouth off and walked out. And I’ve done my best to rise to the occasion and do my job.

Then he shows up out of the blue, using a newcomer excuse to come and usurp my job right out from under me when people go out of their way to get me there on time, so I don’t have to BMW to the meeting. What the Fuck?

Then he pushes it further by noting in the book that he, not I, did coffee, like to slap me in the face. Childish. He sure doesn’t think about his actions does he?

Thirdly, he steps outside right in front of me and demeans me and the group while I am standing there. No, No, No …

So I share these things with my readers because even with time, you may not be as sober as you think you are. Just by the way you act and treat others. I think that’s one reason my sponsor doesn’t come to that meeting very often, because at 20 years sober he is wise in saying “You may be (insert time here) sober but you may not be very sober.

If you don’t like that I write about people and places, maybe you should stop reading. Because this isn’t Vegas, and I did not sign confidentiality agreements when I joined the group.

Like I said before, never get on the bad side of an HIV+ Queer … I work too hard at cultivating relationships and taking care of me and when people treat me like shit, YOU are open season. and not just in a meeting either.

And yes I am sober. Thank you for asking …

Posted by jeremiahandrews | April 28, 2012 | Categories: 2012, A.A., Aids, Alchemy, All About Me, Canada, Community, Friends, Gay, Helping Others, Human Kindness, Integrity, LGBTQ, Life Lessons, Montreal, Relationships, Sober, Sober Rants, SOBRIETY, Women, Words, Writers | Leave A Comment »

Joyful Discoveries …

Courtesy: Sean Klein

“Fear of people and of economic insecurities will leave us…”

We read these promises at every meeting, well, not all meetings, but I hear them at least once a week in a meeting. It goes without saying that not all the promises come true right away, and for some, they might not come at all at first. But if you stick to the rooms and honestly put yourself into the steps, promises start to materialize, sooner or later.

This is my next INK project. I like it, but my artist has altered it a bit so that they are not the same. This is part of my summer project. It is a 4 hour job and at $100.00 an hour, may take a few sittings. I am in no rush.

Today’s Daily Reflection is Joyful Discoveries …

Great events for this recovering alcoholic are the normal everyday joys found in being able to live another day in God’s Grace.

Grasshopper would have read this reading this morning at the Wood meeting, so reiterating it is pointless. But I wanted to write my take on the reading for you.

This week has officially begun the next stage in hubby and I’s life. And he said to me that now we are in our forties we should be able to live comfortably and without stress. We’ve spent the better part of ten years in school collectively.

We both have several degrees under our belts. I saw a video last week by Philly D, who spoke about the top ten looser degrees you can attain in college.

Religion, Theology, English and Sociology were all in the top ten looser degrees.

Was it all a waste of time and money, I guess you answer that question by what the degree has done for you since graduation. None of my degrees have done one iota thing for me since spending all those years in school, spending countless amounts of money to attain them.

For Hubby, he is an English Major, a Sociology Major and a MA in Sociology that is coming over the summer. They say if you get an MA you have a better chance at a real paying job, than without one. And as we being this next stage of our lives getting a good job over the summer is going to be the big payoff.

When I wrote The State of Our Union some time ago I set forth the plan of action that was going to take place this summer.

I have been pondering what life is going to look like as I count down the last days of my educational career. And if you watch enough Canadian television and see all those commercials for Newfoundland and Labrador, it speaks of making sure that one chapter of your life is exciting…

That’s the plan.

I’ve learned a lot of things over the last ten years. I am still vulnerable. And I still feel. And tonight I felt angry and stepped on. And almost resentful. The resentment from tonight flitted through my brain on the way to the bus stop and I dismissed it after it settled in my brain, because he is not worth my time…

I have heard friends talk about learning to love themselves. To grow past hurt feelings from family and friends. Learning how to break free of that which brings us down and to break from that and move on into a life one would be proud of.

I think I have attained a modicum of pride for what I have achieved in the last ten years. And I have poured all that knowledge out here for you to read. There is, I think, a healthy dose of pride one can have without getting a big head.

Hubby has attained such high high’s in the last seven years that I just can’t begin to explain to you how hard he worked to get here. He has truly trodden to road of happy destiny, and with my father in laws donation to his education yesterday, it just made the uphill climb that much sweeter.

A few of my friends have had the opportunity to travel to far flung destinations around the world in the past few months. And their stories have inspired me to dream big for myself. I have an outstanding invitation to go to Cape Town South Africa when I can get there. And come hell or high water, I will get there one way or another. Kilimanjaro is also on my Africa to do list. As well as a gorilla trek. I don’t know if that will ever happen, one destination at a time.

I finished reading 1000 Years Of Sobriety last night. 20 stories of folks who are 50 plus years sober. It is quite an amazing read, to hear the stories of people who have been sober longer than I have been alive. Where they came from, what happened and what they are like now. I know that I never want to drink again, because if I do, I may not make it back and from hearing the stories about drunks, slips, jails, institutions and insanity, I don’t ever want to go back there.

Grasshopper is making his own way into the world today. He has come upon one of the greatest mysteries of his life in learning some things about himself, and I must be here to help him along the spiritual path. We are all moving forwards in one way or another. I forsee life changing events coming over the next few months for us and for him.

And what a joy it is to be on this journey sober and joyous and free.

Discoveries are just over the horizon. I hope you will all stay tuned for the next chapter of the journey.

I always hoped that at ten years sober that something exciting would happen, I’ve been praying for it, and waiting patiently for it. Waiting for God to “HIT ME!”

One day at a time.

We’ve turned the corner and the world is our oyster. I can’t wait to share the future with all of you. Let’s see what we can do together.

Time for bed.

Goodnight.

Posted by jeremiahandrews | April 28, 2012 | Categories: 2012, A.A., Alchemy, All About Me, Bloggers, Canada, Community, Family, Friends, Gay, God, Helping Others, Human Kindness, Integrity, LGBTQ, Life Lessons, Montreal, New Beginnings, Pride, Relationships, Skool, Sober, Sober Rants, SOBRIETY, Spiritual Direction, Words, Writers | Leave A Comment »

Your Word Matters …

Courtesy: Deeeccc

The week is coming to an end. If it is Spring, it sure does not feel like it. We had flurries earlier today and now we are sitting at 0c, with a frost warning in effect.

Another night and another student march in the city. Students have been on strike for more than 10 weeks crying foul that the government wants to raise tuition rates 75% over the next 5 years, and students are not happy at all. We have seen night after night, marches taking place all over the downtown core. And it hasn’t been peaceful. Smashed windows fires, fireworks, tier gas and smoke. The police are getting tired and the city is getting tired of the marchers.

The last time I saw marches like this was in the lead up to the Iraq War when I first moved to Montreal. Hundreds of thousands of students are marching nightly from one side of the city to the other hoping to force the government to back down on tuition.

Last night they marched on our end of town. The cops redirected traffic and closed streets off and helicopters were following over head. It isn’t good.

Grades are coming in for these last few assignments that were due, I have a final exam on the 14th in Psychology. A second final exam in geography on the 2nd and the final paper due on the 9th. It is all coming together nicely.

Lizzy has been making it her responsibility to get me to the church in time to set up and make coffee going out of her way to help me and tonight we left here earlier than usual because she wasn’t feeling all that well, and when we got to the church the urns were perking and country man was sitting on his fat ass. He ignored me while we set up even after I attempted to speak to him. He had a bug up his ass for some reason. Not sure what rock he crawled out from under. But he should just crawl back there and stay there. He got to the chairs book and wrote in big letter DAVE made coffee NOT JEREMY !!!!

What the fuck was that, you fat prick !!!

He screwed up the urns using the old plugs and I had to fix them. Lizzy and I set up the room, while he sat and watched us from the sidelines. He hasn’t been seen in weeks, and tonight he showed up in his words … “To make coffee earlier than usual so that a newcomer would have coffee when they walked in the door!”

BULLSHIT …

Thank God there was a business meeting tonight. Because I had a bone to pick with him and he wasn’t very happy about it, because they asked me if I still wanted to make coffee after he decided to fuck off and quit because no one was blowing smoke up his ass.And I said yes, that coffee was my job and I was keeping it. And they all told me not to apologize or let him get under my skin.

I was outside talking to my old timer friend from the West Island and he comes outside not three feet from me bitching and complaining about hating this group and this and that and talking about me through someone else standing there while I was standing there listening to him rant and rave.

Fuck You Fat Man … It’s my job not yours.

Things have gone missing from our cabinet. Money has been stolen, and cups were taken along with all of our medallions to give away to folks celebrating milestones. I don’t know who’s doing it, but someone is guilty. We will rectify that situation tomorrow.

We seem to have had less chairs than usual, we had to use spares instead but we didn’t sit the entire room, attendance was light tonight. Our speaker was a woman member of the group. 25 years of sobriety is a long time.

She got up there and told her story. It was all good. One of the things she spoke about is ones “word” and that in certain circles ones word is as good as gold. And I think in the program, when we speak words to each other and be supportive and guiding our words matter. We always try to give right advice at the right time about the right thought.

It was a good meeting. Lizzy went home early, Grasshopper and Rick were not there tonight so I had to hoof it bus and metro home. I was just praying that the late marchers were not going to be in the system while I made the transit. I got home and dinner was on the table. Pizza night.

Yesterday hubby spoke to his dad about our financial insecurities and after that talk – he stepped up and made a considerable donation to our lives to help hubby stay in school and finish his MA. All the bills got paid in full. I don’t remember the last time all the bills were all paid in full at the same time.

It was a gracious gift. As his dad said to him, “that’s what father’s are for.” We are truly grateful for kind in laws. So it was a successful week in many ways. We are now set to finish term on the up side. Hubby will defend sometime during the summer and get his MA finally. He will apply for a teaching position here in the city and we will truly be prepared to begin the next chapter of our lives.

Hubby is very happy and so am I.

That is all for tonight.
I am powerless over people, places and things.
It is better never to get on my bad side because I can be a cunt when I need to be. Hell hath no fury like a pissed off queen.

Good night from Montreal.

Posted by jeremiahandrews | April 27, 2012 | Categories: A.A., Addiction, Alchemy, All About Me, Community, Faith, Friends, God, Helping Others, Integrity, Leadership, LGBTQ, Life Lessons, Montreal, Sober, Sober Rants, SOBRIETY, Tradition, Tumble, Tumblr, Weather, Women, Words, Writers | Leave A Comment »

Loving Ourselves …

Courtesy: Hike Now Nyiragongo Volcano

The week has begun and you could cut the drama with a knife. Thank God I am sober and can take care of things with a sober mind. 10 years of bank time has come to bear and we are at a turning point in our lives. Let Us Pray !!!

This week will see me finishing up final assignments due in a two weeks time. I have my Introduction and Bibliography for my Colony Collapse Syndrome due tomorrow night, then my final exam a week later and the final draft due on the 9th.

We had our second exam in Psychology last night. It was slick and quick, I’m not sure how it went, but I think it was ok. I got 36.5 out of 40 on my last assignment which is good. I am just trudging down the path completing work as it comes.

The weather has been up and down. All those fears of some great snowmageddon never materialized here, however CTV painted a picture of snow falling all over the place, which wasn’t true. It rained, rained and rained some more, but that was it. Thankfully no snow …

I left the house earlier than usual because I was bored and I arrived at the church early, and I did not get my coat off before people started showing up “really early!” I had my tunes cranking and I usually have a method to my madness, set up wise. I usually take my time and the routine never changes.

But there were guests there who came early to read, and they were taking things out of the store room out of order and bringing stacks of chairs out of the closet so they could sit down and I was like ” YO LADY !!! I have a system to this set up!”

So you know, you can’t just crank tunes and ignore guests, so I turned off the tunes and did set up all backwards, which threw me off … But it all came out in the wash. They went off to their corner and I continued to do set up as usual. I am not complaining about people coming early, that’s why we set up early.

We had a business meeting and we have 19 members as of tonight’s meeting. We’ve got lots of things going on. So it’s all good.

The topic came from the chair … Learning to Love Ourselves.

As a younger man, early in sobriety, the men of the Stud took care of me. They saved my life. I stayed sober for four years that first attempt. I had moved from Ft. Lauderdale to Miami for care. So I was going to meetings with people I really did not know well. But I had friends. And at some point, I decided “myself” that I was missing something and that I needed to go find it.

I did not talk to my friends about that decision. And it was a shock to them when I decided to break the news that I was making a geographic. I wasn’t dependent on anyone for anything. It was all about me. I hurt a lot of people in leaving.

During these intervening 3 years I spent in Miami getting sober, there was a boy who was stuck in the revolving door and couldn’t get sober to save his life. And that really dismayed me that he could not “get it.” And at the same time I was just about to give it all away… Who knew …

So I made that geographic and it turned out very badly. I had no connections with home, I had cut all my ties and went off to the country to “sow my oats” so to speak. That was the worst mistake I made in sobriety.

After the return arc of my journey brought me back to Miami, I was still drinking and would for another year. In 2001, I got sober the second time. I had returned to the city I was sober in years before. And all those people I knew before were all still sober (years now) and I was coming back after a wretched slip.

Thank God I got sober on the beach and not in the city. But Miami is a huge city but in sober terms, is very small. People travel from point A to point B to go to meetings and eventually those people I was friends with so long ago, would find out that I was back and trying again.

I was pretty beat down. I had failed on my geographic to successfully attain what I went looking for, that was a huge failure. I had failed at reintegration into a gay community that didn’t even notice that I was trying to get it. I failed at growing up, I mean what was that anyways? So I was shot emotionally and mentally.

I hid on the beach for the first few weeks, getting my feet wet at Sober on South Beach. Had it not been for the group of people I fell into then, I don’t know that I would have stayed sober. They took care of me, the talked to me, they broke bread with me, they got me into meetings and steps and service. December is a really sticky month to get sober because of the holidays, but they made it worth my while. I was really ashamed that I failed at sobriety. I had to save face and I didn’t know what all my friends would think of me on my return. I was terribly concerned with what everybody else thought of me.

Near Christmas Eve, the group took me to The Poinciana Group, in town, over by the airport. It was a late night meeting that began at midnight and ran well into the morning. I was a couple of weeks sober at that point. And it was a dark, candle lit meeting and I thought I was safe in the dark. I was wrong.

All the people I knew when I was sober the first time, had come to that meeting to see me, and they had nothing but good words for me they were supportive and genuinely happy to see me. But, for a few of my closest friends, I never got back those relationships. People were very wary of me. And for good reason I suspect.

So what about the boy stuck in the revolving door you ask? While I was out, exploring the farm, he came in and got sober, and was sober a number of years upon my return. Funny those planets and how they turn. One goes out, another comes in, and it all comes out in the wash … I don’t know if he is still sober today, But I have hope he did …

When I moved to Montreal, and started going to meetings I was doing aftercare here in the city by day, so I wasn’t alone, and I was doing a few meetings that are still going today. I happened into Tuesday Beginners and liked it so much that I made it my home group. And those women in the group took care of me and helped me stay sober. Over the years there was always somebody there who made sure I had pots and pans, food in my fridge, money in my pocket so forth and so on. I never had to leave the security of the meeting for anything I needed.

I went from hiding behind a ball cap, scooting in and out of meetings quietly to being open and feeling good about myself. I stopped wearing the ball cap and I wasn’t hiding any longer. It took me a good year to get comfortable in my own skin, and it was the people in the meetings that helped me get there. I am still friends with those people today. They loved me until I could love myself.

The Church Of St. Leon’s is a very hallowed church. That is where I have been for more than 10 years, I got the first look at my now husband at that church, and that is where I have grown into the man I am today because of that group. Sobriety has not been easy by any stretch, but it has been beneficial. There are not too many people who have stuck around that group as long as I have to see how life has changed for me. All those old members are gone. And we have a fresh crop of newbies today that are all on the happy road to their own destinies.

This was the message I tried to share tonight, but it did not come out this way as I have written it. There is only so much you can share in two minutes, and this has taken me more than two minutes to write it all out in story form.

Tomorrow is a big day for hubby – say a prayer for him, he needs it.

That is all for tonight.
More to come, stay tuned …

Posted by jeremiahandrews | April 24, 2012 | Categories: 2012, A.A., Alchemy, All About Me, Bloggers, Canada, Church, Community, Faith, Family, Friends, Gay, God, Helping Others, Human Kindness, Integrity, LGBTQ, Life Lessons, Montreal, New Beginnings, Pastoral Ministries, Relationships, Sober, Sober Rants, SOBRIETY, Spiritual Direction, Tumble, Tumblr, Women, Words, Writers | Leave A Comment »

We Were Here …

A Feature Length Documentary by David Weissman

“Of all the cinematic explorations of the AIDS crisis, not one is more heartbreaking and inspiring than WE WERE HERE… The humility, wisdom and cumulative sorrow expressed lend the film a glow of spirituality and infuse it with grace… ONE OF THE TOP TEN FILMS OF THE YEAR.” Stephen Holden, New York Times

*** *** *** ***

Earlier tonight as I was writing “We are not meant to be alone” hubby had put on this documentary that was airing here in Canada tonight. And so I sat through this film reliving the past 20 years of my life in stark detail.

Listening to the story tellers just breaks my heart, because I was there through the worst time of our lives. You just cannot imagine what it was like. Thinking about it is one thing, listening to someone narrate that time period is heart wrenching.

You know, the further I get from the past, the less I tend to think about it today. But every once in a while, and this rings especially true during Pride Months these documentaries play as reminders to those we lost.

I want so badly to tell you that YES, we are not meant to be alone and that we are all loveable no matter what devastation or situation we find ourselves in. And I think somewhere deep down, hubby’s message in watching this film was to say, yes I remember for you and you are not alone here in this life.

Things in my neck of the woods were as frightful as they were in San Francisco and in many big cities in the very beginning. When AIDS came to Ft. Lauderdale, we were all taken aback by the horror of just what AIDS was doing to our community.

Thank God – T H A N K G O D that what I saw did not happen to me. Because it was ugly. I have documented all these things in PAGES, but for the moment I am drawn to address this topic here and now because it weighs heavily on my heart and soul.

When I sero-converted I was so sick. I thought for sure that I was going to die at any moment. But my friends and keepers in the AIDS care circle had other plans for me.

The film speaks of finding a cure …

that there should be more than AZT…

Back in those days we were all taking AZT because there was nothing else to take. We even went the lengths to collect old drugs from people who had died, and those drugs were taken to drug farms and re-purposed for use for those who were still alive and fighting to stay alive.

God forbid you had to go to a hospital. They would break out the hazmat suits and moon goggles and scrubs. It was heartless the way that the medical community treated us, for a long time, until they got trained to be able to deal with us without all the fear that was running rampant through the cities.

There were no specialists, no real doctors at that point, it was hit and miss because there really was no social medical safety net to take care of all the sick. But there were enough people to begin with that took on the task of treating what they could with whatever they had on hand.

I know for myself. I took tons of pills to try and find something that worked. And in the beginning that was AZT. It made me sick, and we had little pocket timers that would go off every four hours to remind us to take our pills.

Eventually in Miami there was dedicated doctors who were in the loop of medical research that I got involved with and what these doctors did for me is nothing short of a miracle.

With Genotype and Phenotype testing, they figured out the strain and type of virus we were carrying, then from that they proceeded to attaining tables of drugs that we could take that had promising results in the lab. And as drug companies pushed out pills we took them.

We did not wait for test circles to form on others, we tested all those meds ourselves. So that every year we survived, we had data to share with the rest of the world as AIDS was a worldwide epidemic.

But medication was expensive especially if you could not afford your pills. There were no insurance plans designed for this – people were selling their life insurance policies and going on government disability to be able to afford treatment. I know it took me three attempts to finally get disability coverage in the U.S. I had to almost kill myself to get my social services person to sign off on my form.

Let me tell you what the government made us go through to get disability insurance. We had to be on deaths door step, sick unto death before they would finally clear you. I got so sick that on the day I finally got signed I walked into the office, not having bathed or shaven in a weeks time, hacking and coughing all over the place for someone to fear me enough to sign on the dotted line so that I could get assistance. It was heartless and cruel the things the government and the state did to those who were sick.

They made us little white boys go to places that white people don’t go to in broad daylight. Trekking from one side of the city to another taking bus after bus and train after train just to get social assistance. Needless to say that once a cast iron bitch always a cast iron bitch.

People were so afraid of the sick. God forbid you sat next to us on a bus, or a train. God forbid you had to deal with us directly.

I watched families throw their sons out into the streets.

I watched lovers toss their loved ones out into the streets as well.

I witnessed land lords toss sick people from their homes.

I witnessed employers fire and cut people off from insurance and livelihoods.

I witnessed so called Christians get on their hellfire and brimstone horses and watched them burn us all down to the ground with hatred and fear mongering.
My Own family turned against me when I got sick. They would rather condemn me rather than help me so fuck them …

It was Sick. Absolutely and Totally Sick !!!

And still today that hatred simmers in certain circles. And every year we go through these periods of time when we are raw with emotions that some fuck comes along and throws salt in the wound just because they feel righteous !!!

The One Good thing that did happen was it galvanized those who were left into care circles and care givers. AIDS separated the men from the boys and the girls from the women. You learned just how devoted your friends were to you and just how much they meant to you while they were still here.

And FUCK all you haters out there. Heartless Bastards…

So many of my friends died. All I have is a photo album of the last time I saw the Names Project Quilt show in Ft. Lauderdale or Miami I think it was. This blog is a testament and my memory for those years of my life when I thought that I too was going to die.

God in his infinite wisdom had other plans for me. There was a life to live. There were things I still needed to do, and people to meet and places to see. Today I have the best doctor in the world. He treated patient Zero, the French Flight Attendant back in the old days. I truly lucked out when I moved here to find him and get into his clinic.

It is sad that there is still no cure. But death is something of a second thought now. We are living longer. I had a doctor who told me that when I die that it won’t be AIDS that kills me. And that was a long time ago.

I’ve always said that if science ever gets to the point that time travel is possible, the time I would go back to is the period of time that I was first diagnosed, because it was the Best of Times and it was The Worst of Times. I knew then that I was loved and so cared for that I wanted for nothing. And I think that that is what saved me.

There wasn’t time to sit and wait to die. I was too busy being taught how to survive and in that time I did not sit in my shit and play with it. Time was of the essence and men nor horses were going to keep me from winning this fight.

Every day that I look in the mirror I thank God for Todd and Roy and all the others who took the time to teach me and to love me and to make sure that nothing took me down be that sickness or man.

Never Forget and Remember still that on your daily goings on, you never know who you are sitting next to on the bus or on the train, or walking down the sidewalk, you never know what battle someone else is engaged in.

It Gets Better. We are still alive. And our stories should never be forgotten.

We Were Here … I was there, and I am still here.

Posted by jeremiahandrews | April 23, 2012 | Categories: 2012, Aids, AIDS medication Trials/Tests, Alchemy, All About Me, Canada, Coming Out, Community, Education, Faith, Family, Films, Friends, Gay, God, Helping Others, Homophobia, Homosexual, Hubby, Human Kindness, Human Rights, Integrity, Leadership, LGBTQ, Life Lessons, Medical Issues, Medication Journal (HIV), Meditations, Memories, Miami, Ministry, Montreal, Movies, Pastoral Ministries, Relationships, Science, Sober, Sober Rants, SOBRIETY, Spiritual Direction, Tradition, We Were Here, Words, Writers | Leave A Comment »

We are Not Meant to Be Alone …

Courtesy: Stuart Parmley TGKW Flickr

A little while ago, a follower left a comment on one of my entries and I wrote him back and talked about what he had said to us. Today I received a response to my note. And I thought that I would write to you and share some things with you from my life in the hopes that you might see things a little differently in yours.

The Neon Sign Theory:

Everybody has a neon sign that sits above our heads and displays the feeling or emotion of the moment to those of us around you, that is, if you have eyes to see it. This is a theory that I coined a few years ago watching people come to my home group to get sober. This is something that took years to perfect. I recall a few particular people who came in those days.

There are 12 steps from the main church door to the hall where we hold our meeting. Through two sets of double doors and into the room, which is lit by halogen lights in the ceiling. It is a very appealing space. Not too bright, not too dim. It is a very hallowed room. Because God has moved in the room over the years.

So people come down the stairs and I see the neon sign. Some say lonely, some say angry, some say depressed, some say looking for love… In any case, these are just ideas. Watching people come week in and week out, over time, they change, some fight it tooth and nail, and some really sink into it looking to be reborn in what ever way they can, because let’s face it – coming from hell – is a long journey.

The best experience I can tell you about is Miss Nancy. Miss Nancy was a quiet and humble woman who used to come to the meeting and she was so down on herself about her problems, and it took a long time for her to get comfortable in the room. But little by slowly she got better. And one day low and behold, she was sharing in the group and I saw the light go on above her head and God moved in the room, and in that moment she got it. Witnessing someone “Getting It” is one of the most powerful experiences. And I’ve seen it happen many times over.

Sometimes people are so troubled when they come that the sign is dark and scary. And I think that by just being present and supportive is one of the best tactics to use when you don’t know someone very well. It takes time to get to know someone. And that goes for any relationship you might have with someone.

And if they stick around long enough and they are open to the stirring of the spirit, transformation happens, despite ourselves.

The train of thought is that we are not meant to be alone in this world. I mean what kind of God would there be if he put us here to spend eternity alone or forever searching for the one we are supposed to be with. I don’t think that we are meant to be alone.

And sooner or later that neon sign will change and say “OK I AM READY!!!”

Sooner or later, we spend some time getting better. Now this is universal and can be applied to everyone in life. Not just the sick and addicted. We spend our lives learning about ourselves. Some spend hours upon hours reading self help books, watching Oprah talk about becoming the person we are meant to be, and that the Best of Times is Now …

No matter where you live or in what ever social circle you run in, eventually we will run into someone that may complete the other half of our life.

If I look at my life, when I turned 21 – I wasn’t ready for a real relationship, because I was too busy trying to drink and party at the bar night after night. And that took up many years of my life. I had no idea what it meant to be responsible. I had no idea what it meant to be in “relationship.”

I was still looking for myself, in other people. Sex was something that was there. We were all young, and nobody really cared about things Long Term. It was get it now, get it quick and live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse.

We weren’t afraid of anything during those years. The scourge of AIDS had not hit our community yet …

But it was coming …

AIDS hit us when I turned 25. The first time I heard that word came soon after I lost a boyfriend to suicide. They told me after the fact that he had AIDS. And it would hit me less than a year later. The boy I was dating took off the hour he heard my diagnosis. The friends I had all took off and never spoke to me or came to visit me for any reason. It was harsh. It was terrible.

I watched people turn from Humans into Animals over night. I’ve never seen so much hatred and condemnation in all my life. What the straight and religious community did to those of us who were sick and dying was reprehensible.

In the gay world, you have to be young, pretty, wealthy and buff. And that is the way that most gay men in their 20′s live like. And then the older you get, the harder you try to hold onto your twenties. But as we all know, eventually we grow up. Sooner or later time marches on and eventually you realize that it is marching across your face … (Movie – Anyone ???)

I had survived AIDS. I lived past my death date three times. I was still alive, but so many friends I knew were dead. Hundreds upon hundreds of people were dead, and I was still alive …

What the hell was I going to do?

I lived In South Beach for a number of years post diagnosis. South Beach is still a nightclub – live fast – drink copious amounts of liquor and look devastatingly beautiful. Hit the beach, then the gym, and at night you hit the club to find Mr. Right now.

By now I am in my thirties. And I am changing. People who live by the beach, never go to the beach, because they have work and lives. So that’s what tanning salons are for. It is a dog eat dog world. The whole focus of existence is to look devastating. No matter the cost.

I thought that I should do things like this. Tan, Gym, looking buff and trying to fit into a world that I knew I no longer fit it. AIDS had morphed my body into a pear shape. I’ve got a belly, that I couldn’t get rid of to save my life. I am not as agile as I once was. And I surely don’t look like I did when I was 21. But for the life of me, I thought that that’s what I needed to do to attract Mr. Right Now.

I was wrong.

I’ve told this story before countless times. I had had my last drink. Nobody noticed me. Nobody cared that I was there. Fags are ruthless. Especially when it comes to social groupings. Nobody wants to love a sick person…

That would terribly inconvenience a healthy persons pursuit of life having to care for a sick boyfriend, God Forbid …

I knew I was beat. I was 34 when I got sober again. The gay group I hit the first meeting didn’t even notice I was there. They all ignored me. So I waited for the next meeting and that’s when I met Fonda and the rest of the Sober on South Beach Group of AA. She hugged me and welcomed me and she was the face of recovery. She was the proper transmission of the program.

In Just Being Present.

I was no longer alone. For many months I toiled and fussed. I got sober and I worked on my life, getting better, despite living in a city of fags who had no concern that I was there. It didn’t matter. I was no longer vying for a spot on the “chosen” list. That just wasn’t me. Any more.

I stuck and stayed. And I stayed stopped. I never took a drink again. And so my quest to “fit in” ended. I knew that I would never find myself there again. I had to make the decision that I was either going to pine the past and try to hang on to something that wasn’t me and fail, OR I was going to grow up.

I had hit that Twenty going on Thirty wall.

I grew over that wall. Ever so slowly.

I decided that I needed more than I was getting. It cost too much to live. I had to choose between buying food and paying rent / and or / buying medicine. I couldn’t do all three at the same time. That’s healthcare in the United States.

People with AIDS paid a hefty price for being sick. And drug companies made a mint off the backs of sick and dying people. And they still do today.

I came here and found a place to live. And found a meeting I liked. I had found a doctor who would treat me, who treated patient Zero, the first AIDS patient, the French Flight Attendant. He’s a big wig in the AIDS treatment game.

Here I am in my mid thirties and I have been sober for almost a year, I am rooted, doing aftercare and going to meetings. I wasn’t looking for love, I really wasn’t looking for anything.

But love came looking for me.

A chance passing in a doorway, a brief look at his face, And I knew, He was the one. And It came to pass that he was sober as well. I’ve been living with AIDS for now 9 years. I survived.

You never know when love is going to approach. And I think the thing we need to be aware of is Love is out there, and sometimes it comes to us, and we might not be present to the experience to notice it. You just have to learn to see it when it comes at you.

I knew from that very first moment that hubby was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I guess I grew up enough and I had done enough work on me that the universe conspired to help me.

Because you know that when we give something to the universe if the universe thinks we are ready for it, that it responds in kind.

I don’t remember ever giving that thought up to the universe. That I was looking for love, but I think the universe decided that I was no longer supposed to be alone anymore.

I was ready for responsibility. I was ready to fall in love. I was still alive and when time came for me to disclose, hubby did not blink, he did not shy away, he did not turn away. And I will be forever grateful for that.

There is learning to be had at every generation decade. From our 20′s into our 30′s. Well into our 40′s. I got sober, met my now husband. I went back to school and got an education twice over. And now in a matter of weeks I will end my long education career. I’ve spent the better part of 10 years working on my education. And in the next decade of my life, I will figure out what I am going to do with that education.

I don’t know what I am supposed to do in my forties. Or what lessons I still need to learn. So I will continue doing what it is that I do… I am a husband, a friend, a sponsor, and member, and a participant in my community.

I will continue to write here and respond to you and write for you to tell you what I have learned, and what you can learn about yourself.

There is a whole world out there waiting for each and every one of you. Be the person you are. And if you don’t fit the gay mold of your community, then so be it. Gay communities are fickle and harsh to many. Those who are just out to party, have sex and make whoopie never once stopping to see the damage they are doing to others, You Have My Permission to Be Who You Are.

At some point we all grow up, No matter how hard gays think they can beat the clock, they really can’t because eventually, the beach bunny will become an old hasband.The party boy will realize that partying is not a way of life any more. Eventually we all grow up, despite ourselves.

Ten more years have passed. It is 2012. I was diagnosed in 1994. You can do the math. Coming here was the best decision that I ever made in my life.

There is someone out there waiting for you to find them.

I was Here. I survived. I have a story to tell you. Don’t forget me. And remember that I took time to write to you and to encourage you to never give up on your dreams. Never settle. Never say Never. Get out there and Live.

Live Live Live, Life is a banquet and more poor suckers are starving…

We are not meant to be alone. Believe me. It is true.

Posted by jeremiahandrews | April 22, 2012 | Categories: 2012, A.A., Addiction, Aids, Alchemy, All About Me, Bloggers, Canada, Community, Faith, Family, Friends, Gay, God, Helping Others, Hiv, Human Kindness, Human Rights, Integrity, Leadership, LGBTQ, Life Lessons, Meditations, Ministry, Montreal, Pastoral Ministries, Pride, Relationships, Sober, Sober Rants, SOBRIETY, Spiritual Direction, Tradition, Words, Writers | 2 Comments »