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Archive for December, 2009

Happy New Year 2010

It is 8:00 p.m. four hours to go … We are ordering Pizza in tonight and drinking that non-alcoholic bubbly watching tv kinda night… Then it is Art Bell’s prediction show on Coast to Coast am overnight…


Year End Review 2009

It’s almost over, and I think it is important to look back over the last year and see what happened over the last 12 months.

In January I began another set of classes to finish my Pastoral Ministry Certificate. It was a tough semester with Applied Human Sciences and the New Testament and my Pastoral Ministry Practicum, which I excelled at. January was a big month. It was all about Barack Obama, and the Audacity of hope that was coming to America.

My friend Sam was very pregnant with James. And his birth would come on inauguration day, January 20th. He has grown into quite a good looking boy almost a year after his birth.

Bishop Gene Robinson caused a fruckus because he was to give the invocation at the Grand Inaugural Concert – which was not shown on the HBO telecast, which caused a great deal of consternation to the LGBTQ community. Where +Bishop Gene goes, controversy follows.

On January 31st we buried a long time member of AA in Montreal, Sylvia was a fixture in Montreal sober circles and it was a grand day at St. Monica’s she was remembered well.

In February I learned that family members were on Facebook, and after several failed attempts at communication – that door remains closed. It was quite a drama for me in sobriety. That was a bitter pill to swallow.

March was up in the air… I want to share some writings from Adam during the month of March. This comes on March 29th 2009 …

Goodday Everyone,

My chemo had no effect on anything and although it died in one tumor, it spread to two new spots on my liver.  My HCG is as high as it was during my initial diagnosis and the new chemo regiment is a pill that is more about quality of life than actually beating my cancer.  I was given a timetable on my life and it was not fifty years, in fact it was not even five…two seems likely, months if it is left untreated.

I find out Monday if it would be safe to laser out the lesions (the liver is one organ they can literally burn cancer out of), then I go back on a drug I had a year ago and with good effect.  My cancer does not respond to platinum drugs, meaning all the main drugs they use to treat TC were voided.  This means I went through high dose for basically nothing and could have just had the other two with the same effects.

I am almost happy that I do not have to go through that chemo regimen anymore.  It hurt, it was miserable, and it beat me up.

I am not quitting, or accepting this, and overseas I have learned of some therapies that involve stem cells and other therapies that cure cancer.  I am looking into it because conventional medicide is just not doing the trick.  It is too strong for chemo.

This is starting to annoy me more and more, the consistant failures.  It is frustrating living like this, fighting hard and doing things right just for it to do nothing.  Well, I guess I have to take things into my own hands and research the unconventional methods.  They apparently work very well, and that is the next step.

Well, I was always unconventional…

God Bless,
Adam Frey

On April 25th 2009 we lost Bea Arthur – at age 86.

The month of May was a tough month for me, as things in my medical circle began to change and I was diagnosed with Type two Diabetes. It was quite a shock, I got real sick and began to loose my vision. After some serious doping by my doctor they got my numbers under control. My diabetes is quite in check today.

Here is a letter from Adam – from May the 17th 2009 …

Jeremy,

You know, I think things get darkest before they dawn.  I just wish I knew how dark things would be.  Until a few days ago, I was pretty bitter. Bitter, angry, frustrated, just pissed off at the situation.  I am sure you can understand.

Then it hit me.  Who am I to hold grudges.  If God can forgive and let things go, why have I been holding grudges, some for years, some with poeple that do care about me.  Some over things that are sort of outlandish.  I had a moment in prayer and I vowed to let it go.  I got the notion that God came in right there and a calm fell.

I told him I was sorry for my stubborness and rage and that I in fact wanted to be a miracle…for surely I cannot spread hope and love in a box.  By days end I started feeling better.  I started having night sweats…which is the number one symptom of a REGRESSING cancer.  Maybe I needed to change my
goals and path to what he wants it to be.

From the little I know about you, you have been declared terminal and changed your path and seem to be doing ok.  I think I needed to change mine, and maybe I just needed to be pushed to the breaking point and past it to realize that.

Its optimism

-Adam

The month of June brought a spate of deaths …

On June 25th we lost two powerhouse people, Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett. We watched a lot of tv that day, it was all about Michael. That same day was the last time we had a torrential rain/hail storm in the city.

I also applied to the Department of Theology to pursue my Masters in Theology, and was subsequently accepted into the MA Program.

In July the world lost an Icon of Television broadcasting. Walter Cronkite died at the wise age of 92.

I turned the ripe old age of 42, without pomp and circumstance on July the 31st. It was a very sedate affair. My fourties has been all about hindsight.

August 24th was the 3rd anniversary of the death of my great aunt Sister Georgette. On August the 26th we lost the a lion of the senate U.S. Senator Ted Kennedy died after battling brain cancer.

I finished my studies over the Summer of 2009 – ending my pursuit of my Certificate in Pastoral  Ministry with my massive missive of working in Task Groups for professor Bright.

With the start of the Fall Semester I became a Graduate Student in the Department of Theology. Do I regret that today? NO, but I am unsure of the future.

I started going to the gym at the new EV building something I enjoy doing and something that I haven’t done in a while because of school.

The month of September brought illness to my hubby who ended up in the Montreal General with intestinal issues. And after 48 hours spent in the ER and massive doses of morphine and being poked and prodded by this one and that one we brought him home with medication which seemed to be the ticket to good health. He hasn’t had another problem since then.

My friend Carmi lost him father on September the 22nd. The funeral was here in Montreal at Paperman and Sons. I went to pray with Carmi’s family and about 200 friends and family. The chapel was packed. His dad was well loved.

October brought another death to the world, that of Stephen Gately of the boy band BOYZONE. He was only 33 years old. So young and gone from the world.

In November the fear of Swine Flu invaded the airwaves worldwide and clinics were opened to inoculate as many people with the swine flu vaccine as possible to circumvent a world wide pandemic.  I got my shot on November the 9th.

On November the 19th the world was shocked to find out that Oprah Winfrey told us that she would end her long running television show in September of 2011. The world took a collective gasp and television stations began to ponder how they would fill the void after her television departure.

December was a very rough month. I finished my first semester as a graduate student and I did not do as well as I had expected. In fact nothing I wrote was acceptable to either of my professors and now I have to rewrite all of my papers that are due in the coming months.

Christmas came and went – it was a quiet holiday here at home. Everybody got what they wanted for Christmas and fun was had by all.

Adam went into the hospital with breathing problems and ended up on a ventilator, he died on Boxing Day at 2:21 in the afternoon. Such a bright light gone so young.

**************************

Much happened in the year 2009. I learned a lot about myself over the course of three semesters in two disciplines. Pastoral Ministry and Theology. I learned a hard lesson from my Applied Human Sciences professor. I hated that class. I worked all summer in finishing my Ministry Certificate.

I hit a lot of meetings and worked my program. I celebrated 8 years of sobriety on December the 9th. I took my cake and it was all well and good. My academic career needs to be stepped up for the next semester so that I don’t make another failed attempt at a graduate degree. I can’t afford another fail report because I will be dismissed from the program if I don’t do better this term, not to mention rewriting all that work from the fall semester.

It was a year of highs and lows. We lost some good people from show business and we lost family and friends this year. So that is a brief overview of what happened this year…

Let us close with Adam … and pray for his soul…

True to his word, Adam went down swinging. 21 months after his car crash in March of ‘08, Adam passed at 2:21PM December 26, 2009.

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”
-Phillippians 4:13

***********************

After I posted this to the blog over on Adam’s site and here, I have been informed that Adam has passed. We pray God’s blessing upon him.

Adam, has taken a turn for the worse, phone calls have been made, today we pray for Adam as the journey looks to be coming to an end.

For Adam …

Now is the time to say all those things that need to be said. Now is the time to let God be God. Now is the time that we pray for mercy. Now is the time we give permission to Adam to do what he needs to do with the understanding that he is not alone, and that all of us are here with him and with you. We all live on borrowed time. And if this is Adam’s time, then Let go and Let God. He has been a champion and a fighter for so long. Now may be the time we tell him that it is ok to let go now. If we give him that permission he may hear us and the end won’t be so far away.

We pray God that Adam’s life not be forgotten and that we all may take away some lesson for ourselves. We pray that the angels will protect him and carry him to the altar of God in heaven where there is no more sickness and no more pain. We know that God is merciful and that God hears the cry of the poor, blessed be the Lord. We pray that Adam is where he needs to be and will be going to where he needs to go. The fight has been long and arduous and those of us who have walked with him over the years, like I have myself, can say that he fought the good fight. But sometimes you can’t fight disease, no matter how hard we pray. Sometimes when we pray God says – no, I have other plans, but this is a time of learning and of faith. Now is the time to commend Adam to God and to allow God’s will be done. The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want …

We pray God’s blessing upon Adam and upon his family. We pray that God will bless him and make him whole once again in heaven. And we pray for strength to allow God what he needs to do to take Adam home. This is what, ultimately, faith asks of us, to know when it is time to die and to go to that death with the ultimate knowledge that God hears us and is with us even in the darkest of times.

We love you Adam, and we have been blessed to walk this journey with you. God’s peace to you on your journey. We will not forget you and neither will God.

Holy Holy is the Lord God almighty.

Jeremy

Here is to 2010 may it be new, bright and exciting…


Made a Decision …

It is bitterly cold outside. (-17c/-26 w/c). It is Tuesday and it is the day before the next dump comes. I have to pay my tuition bill tomorrow and I am not liking that one bit, but it has to be done. I have one more item to buy on my Christmas list and that will be excellent.

I’ve been ruminating over Adam for the last few days. I went back through my email files looking for the letters we wrote to each other during his chemo treatments. I really hope that there is life after death, because he deserves to be there after all that he went through these past two years. I believe that there is something more out there, and where ever he is must be beautiful.

It was a quiet day today. With no plans on the table I get to sleep as long as I want and read whatever book strikes my fancy. I need to get back to work on the papers that must be rewritten for my classes, since I did not “make the grade” last term. And I am a bit self conscious about the next round of classes that start next week.

I had to go do set up for the meeting tonight. Our little pigeon that was doing set up took the night off – and he missed the meeting, oh well, he is off to the prairies next week for school, so I will be taking over set up and getting back to my old routine.

I stayed for the second meeting tonight and the guy who shared was like 4 years sober and he went on and on for almost an hour – and the chair asked me to thank the speaker – which means I had to pay attention to everything he said, which was a lot of shit, fuck and off the cuff story telling – and in the end it was lacking for me. There was something missing from his share… Like a little reverence and respect. I was waiting to hear about his spiritual journey and it was missing. So I had to get up there and say nice things about what he said, that was difficult. You don’t want to get up and critique someones personal journey, but that is what I felt like doing. I was in red pen zone.

Oh well, what was I like at 4 years of sobriety? Was I that scattered?

So that was the night. And that was my day.

I miss the thought of Adam still breathing and fighting another day. I stop by his blog every day looking for something that won’t be there any more. Two days of viewing will happen Thursday and Friday and his funeral will be on Saturday. I will be there in spirit, if I had that kind of disposable money and an up to date passport I might have gone down to pay my respects. Alas, that ain’t gonna happen. So I say my prayers for him from here and hope he hears them.

More to come, stay tuned…


Last Watch of the Night … RIP Adam

Adam Wesley Frey: 1986-2009

True to his word, Adam went down
swinging. 21 months after his car crash in March of ‘08, Adam passed at 2:21PM December 26, 2009.
In lieu of flowers Adam would want you to donate to the Adam Frey Foundation. He wanted to help others with their difficult battle with cancer. Thank you for all of your support and prayers in recent months. We hope that in spite of all this Adam still brings the same joy and inspiration to everyone that he always has. Thanks to everyone and God Bless.

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”
-Phillippians 4:13

***********************

After I posted this to the blog over on Adam’s site and here, I have been informed that Adam has passed. We pray God’s blessing upon him.

Adam, has taken a turn for the worse, phone calls have been made, today we pray for Adam as the journey looks to be coming to an end.

For Adam …

Now is the time to say all those things that need to be said. Now is the time to let God be God. Now is the time that we pray for mercy. Now is the time we give permission to Adam to do what he needs to do with the understanding that he is not alone, and that all of us are here with him and with you. We all live on borrowed time. And if this is Adam’s time, then Let go and Let God. He has been a champion and a fighter for so long. Now may be the time we tell him that it is ok to let go now. If we give him that permission he may hear us and the end won’t be so far away.

We pray God that Adam’s life not be forgotten and that we all may take away some lesson for ourselves. We pray that the angels will protect him and carry him to the altar of God in heaven where there is no more sickness and no more pain. We know that God is merciful and that God hears the cry of the poor, blessed be the Lord. We pray that Adam is where he needs to be and will be going to where he needs to go. The fight has been long and arduous and those of us who have walked with him over the years, like I have myself, can say that he fought the good fight. But sometimes you can’t fight disease, no matter how hard we pray. Sometimes when we pray God says – no, I have other plans, but this is a time of learning and of faith. Now is the time to commend Adam to God and to allow God’s will be done. The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want …

We pray God’s blessing upon Adam and upon his family. We pray that God will bless him and make him whole once again in heaven. And we pray for strength to allow God what he needs to do to take Adam home. This is what, ultimately, faith asks of us, to know when it is time to die and to go to that death with the ultimate knowledge that God hears us and is with us even in the darkest of times.

We love you Adam, and we have been blessed to walk this journey with you. God’s peace to you on your journey. We will not forget you and neither will God.

Holy Holy is the Lord God almighty.

Jeremy


Christmas Day Wrap Up…

After reading Yani’s take on his day I decided to sit down and write something more fitting. Our day started around 11 a.m. when we got out of bed. Hubby made a pot of coffee and we had breakfast before opening gifts.

It was a simple affair, what do we really need that we don’t already have? I got hubby two books he wanted and he was excited about them, I hit it real good with those two gifts. He got a tray table and a set of big drinky coffee mugs. We have coffee mugs but some of them are chipped and old. So he has four more now. I got him some new cozies and a beautiful argyle blue sweater which (I can wear too).

On my side I got a couple of movies, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and the new Star Trek movie which we watched already. He got me a bag of white t-shirts and a new stapler for my desk. It is all very practical.He also got me a book called the Hunchback Assignments that was recommended by one of my friends.

We did alright with lots of gifts and goodies from my inlaws. We got money as usual and lots of bits and bobs. We also got a gift certificate to Winner’s. That will go towards something for the house. Maybe new table dressings or something cheeky like that.

I baked my holiday turkey. It was a great success. I do my butter rosemary rub and then coat the turkey is a generous amount of honey, salt and pepper. It came out a bold candy glazed bronze when it was finished. I have to say that my turkey’s just get better and better. We had lots of stuffing and potatoes and tasty cranberry sauce. I carved off half the breast for our dinner and afterwards we have an entire other half plus all the dark meat for hot turkey sandwiches. We will be eating turkey for the next few days.

The day was a huge success …

I have one more gift to buy next week and I will be a happy camper. I hope you all had a great holiday with friends and family. Now we march on to the New Year … May 2010 be grander than 2009.

More to come, stay tuned …


What did YOU get for Christmas???

What a successful Christmas. All of my gifts went over very well. Hubby was quite pleased with his booty of presents. It was all about books and tables. He wanted a tray table and a couple of books, and he got new coffee mugs and some clothes and new cozies. I did not ask for much this year, but I did get my Hunchback novel and a couple of movies to add to my collection. I own all the Harry Potter movies to date. I got some clothes as well which was nice.

Now I have to get into the kitchen and get my turkey into the oven…

Toodles…

More to come, stay tuned…


MERRY CHRISTMAS …


Where is the man ?

I was reading “Turtles All the Way Down” last night and I came upon this story and I really liked it. So I am sharing it with you from the RLP, this story can be found in his archives on the RLP Website. Enjoy …

A Real Live Preacher Dramatized Bible Story

The two men in expensive robes looked very out of place in the darkest part of the back streets, but they were not afraid. Their robes and their attitude let everyone know who they were. No one would dare harm them, even at night.

“Do we understand one another?”

“Yes, separate one. I understand perfectly.”

One of the robed men tossed a few coins into the shadows of a doorway. As they turned to walk away he called back over his shoulder.

“Don’t be late. And don’t disappoint me!”

They walked quickly through the alleys with the sleeves of their robes pressed over their noses and mouths. The man who had thrown the coins said to his companion, “A most distasteful business, I must say.”


Jesus came early to the temple the next morning to continue his discussions with a small crowd of people made up mostly of tradesmen from the streets of Jerusalem. They were thrilled that this exciting, young rabbi seemed to enjoy teaching regular people. Soon they were knotted around Jesus and engaged in a passionate discussion of the Torah and its interpretation.

Their conversation was interrupted by the panicked and fearful shrieks of a woman. All heads turned at the same time to see a group of about ten men pushing their way through the crowd and up to the front where Jesus stood. These were important and very religious men, some of them scholars and officials of the Temple. Others were Pharisees, respected and wealthy men who took pride in keeping themselves away from sinners.

The townspeople around Jesus parted respectfully, allowing them to the front. Two were dragging a woman along with them. They thrust her violently toward Jesus, and the crowd drew back further when they saw her.

The woman stood with her head down and her hair covering most of her face. Her shoulders were hunched inward with shame, and she was desperately holding a tattered robe around her body. Her feet were bare and her hair was dirty. She was disheveled and confused, and she was not properly covered. A glimpse of her thigh was visible through a fold in the cloth. Under her chin the robe sagged, revealing her collar bone.

One of the Pharisees stepped boldly forward and spoke directly to Jesus. “Honored Rabbi, this woman was caught in the very act of adultery.”

He paused and looked around at the crowd for effect before repeating himself loudly.

“In the VERY ACT! Her guilt is beyond question. We bear witness to it. Now the law of Moses says that we should stone her here and now. But of course, with Jesus here at the temple today, we are fortunate to have an expert opinion on matters of the Law. We wouldn’t want to act hastily. After all, a woman’s life is at stake.”

He cocked his head slightly and stretched his arm out toward Jesus with his palm up.

“So I ask you, rabbi, what do YOU say we should do?”

He said the word “rabbi” with mock intensity, drawing it out until it almost sounded like an insult.

Jesus looked at the group of religious men before him. They met his gaze without looking the slightest bit uncomfortable or unsure of themselves. He turned his head and looked at the small crowd of people who moments before had been listening to him teach and asking questions. They were all looking at him now. Some of them were nodding to each other as if to say, “Yes, I’d like to know what Jesus says about a terrible thing like this.”

Then Jesus turned his eyes to the woman who stood trembling before them all. His eyes moved slowly over her, picking up details that told him something of her story.

She was a woman of the streets; that seemed obvious. She looked hard and desperate. The bottoms of her feet were calloused and thickened, as were the fingers clutching the edges of her cheap robe. She had known hard labor, and the life she now lived made her harder still. Her hair was dirty and there was straw in it. It looked as if someone had thrown her to the ground, tossed the robe at her, and given her a few seconds to make herself presentable.

But something was wrong here. Something was missing. Something nagged at the blurry edges of his awareness, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

Jesus slowly lowered himself into a squatting position, eyes still on the woman. Then he looked at the ground before him and wrote with his finger in the dust as he thought and wondered. The crowd was quiet. They stared at him and wondered what he was going to do next.

And then he froze. His index finger stopped moving in the dirt. He understood. He knew what was missing. His eyes closed and he let the air out of his lungs with a groan. His shoulders sagged. He became intent on the ground before him, and he wrote in the dirt, “Where is the man?”

He stood quickly and stepped across what he had written and toward the Pharisee who seemed to be the ringleader. He spoke directly to him, but loud enough for everyone to hear.

“Where is the man?”

“What man?”

“You know what man. It does take two to commit adultery. Why have you not brought him here to face justice alongside her?”

The Pharisee’s face tightened with anger. “The whereabouts of the man are not your concern here today. You call yourself a rabbi, do you not? We have come to you with a legitimate question of the law and of justice. Answer please, honored rabbi. What is to be done with this adulteress who stands before you in obvious guilt? Answer and perhaps we shall talk about the man when we are done with her.”

Jesus narrowed his eyes and stepped forward again until he was standing right in the face of the Pharisee. Years of carpentry work had made Jesus strong. He had broad shoulders and rough hands. But the Pharisee was unafraid. There could be no greater triumph for him than if Jesus were to strike him down.

But Jesus made no violent move toward him. Instead, he spoke softly in a voice that only the two of them could hear.

“You set this up, didn’t you? Yes, of course you did. How does one catch a woman in the very act of adultery, I wonder? How unless he knows ahead of time when it is going to take place. How much did you pay him? I wonder how a man like you even knows how to find people who will do things like this.”

The Pharisee looked calm and spoke in a whisper. “The crowd awaits your answer, rabbi.”

Jesus turned and took three steps back to the side of the woman who had not moved or lifted her head. Her hair still covered her face, giving her some small feeling of privacy. Jesus stood for a few moments looking at the place in the dirt where he had written “Where is the man?”

Then he addressed the crowd in a loud voice.

“You have called me rabbi, and I willingly accept that title and all that goes with it. You have come to hear my judgment in this matter. Very well, my judgment I will give as long as you pledge to honor it.”

The ringleader squinted and looked suspicious, but the other religious leaders and many in the crowd were nodding in agreement. What he said seemed fair enough.

Jesus bent down and picked up a fist-sized rock. He bobbed it up and down in his hand, feeling its weight, and then he spoke again.

“This is what I say. She is guilty, so stone her according to the law of Moses. Yes, stone her now and let God’s justice be done!”

The woman screamed in terror, and the crowd exploded into frantic whispers. Everyone was talking at once. The Pharisee who had asked Jesus for judgment smiled. He had never in his wildest dreams expected such an easy and complete victory.

Many in the crowd were shocked and uncomfortable. Although the Law of Moses indeed specified this penalty for her offense, public stoning was rare and frowned on by the Roman government. Many would say that stoning was right, but few had the stomach to cast stones themselves. No one knew how to proceed. Even the religious leaders who brought this woman to Jesus did not think that he would say such a thing. Jesus was supposed to be an advocate of mercy for common people. He was known to associate and even eat with women like this.

Jesus used the confusion of the crowd to maximum effect. He slowly raised the rock over his head and faced the woman. The crowd became silent. All eyes were on him. Then Jesus turned to the man in the fancy robe, the Pharisee.

“You have heard my judgment. Now hear my terms. Let the first man to cast a stone be a man who is himself guilty of no sin! And let him come forward now, before us all, and claim his right to take this rock and carry out this justice.”

With that Jesus hurled the rock at the feet of the ringleader. It hit the ground with a loud thud. Then Jesus squatted back down and resumed writing in the dust by the feet of the woman.

The crowd was stunned. Many stood with their mouths hanging open. Some of the townspeople, empowered by Jesus, nodded in agreement. After a few moments everyone began leave. Some of the religious leaders melted into the crowd and left as well.

Jesus never looked up. He kept his eyes on the ground as the crowd dispersed. In the end, the only one left was the man who had brought the accusation. Feeling his power slipping away, he turned and left himself, uttering a barely audible oath as he walked away.

Jesus squatted in silence beside the woman. When he looked up they were alone. He rose to his feet and spoke to her.

“Daughter of Abraham, lift up your head and look around you.”

“I cannot.”

“Then lift up your eyes at least and see who condemns you now.”

Slowly, the woman’s hand pulled her matted hair away from her eyes. She looked around, amazed to find that there was no one left but her and Jesus.

“Who is left to condemn you?”

“No one, sir.”

“Then neither do I condemn you. Go your way and be at peace.”

She pulled her robe more tightly around her shoulders, dropped her hair into her eyes again, and began to walk away.

“Daughter of Abraham. I have something to say to you before you go.”

She stopped, but she did not turn around or look up.

“Your name is worth more than this; do not dishonor it. Your life is worth more than this; do not waste it.”

The woman made a slight move with her head that might have been a nod, then started to walk again. Jesus spoke one last time.

“Daughter of Abraham, YOU are worth more than this. Go now and sin no more in this fashion. Be instead the child of God that you were meant to be.”

This time her shoulders shuddered and a soft sob was heard. She ran and disappeared around a corner.

Jesus watched her go and whispered softly to himself, “Go, daughter of Abraham. Go and live your life, for we are all worth more than this.”


Two days before Christmas…

Twas the Wednesday before Christmas and all through the house …

Day three of home alone is moving along nicely. I stayed up all night doing little odds and ends, watching You Tube and a little Madonna from Buenos Aires, and writing some pastoral letters to my boys. I turned the radio off at 5 this morning and went to bed after spending an hour reading “Turtles all the way down” and I slept until 2 this afternoon.

I had to do some supermarket safari for last minute items. I think I have got everything I need for the next few days. The turkey is thawing in the fridge and all the fixings are here – I got bread for hot turkey sandwiches and I bought some nice pork chops for dinner when hubby gets back tomorrow.

It was flurrying earlier but I can see the sun peeking from behind a cloud, it will be dark in 45 minutes. I am going to spend the rest of the day watching GLEE that hubby downloaded for me before he left for Ottawa.

More to come, stay tuned…


Hindsight …

God dammit if my satellite radio player isn’t working tonight !!! It must be the weather… It is snowing in Montreal tonight. So I’ve loaded up a Chad Fox podcast and that is playing as I type tonight.

I have a lot on my mind tonight. People and places, times and tribulations. It has been very quiet with hubby gone, I have time to myself to think and be alone. I don’t get to be alone very much being married. So time to myself is a prized possession.

Last night was a little funny because I had to go to bed alone. I hate sleeping alone, but alas, family is family and hubby is doing his part to celebrate the holidays with his family.

Today is Tuesday and it was also my home group tonight. I was unnerved all day, time was just going by too slowly. So around 4′ o clock I got in the shower and got ready to go. I had to go by Provigo to pick up my cake for tonight.

Yes, I made it 8 years … Who knew I’d live to see today…

When this journey began fifteen years ago I had 18 months to live. The doctors told me to kiss my ass goodbye and call it a day. When the drink did not kill me, because I tried… To kill myself with the drink … God had other plans. And there were key people in my life then that stepped in to help save my life.

Danny
Roy
Todd
Farkle
Billy
Bill M.

I went into rehab and started my dance with sobriety on August the 23rd 1994. I would stay sober 4 years, if I knew then, what I know today, I would never have made that fateful geographic that took me out the door for 18 months of living hell. But you know, hindsight is 20/20. I have had a lot of time to think about the past and see the path that was laid before me. And really, to be honest, I haven’t spent a great deal of time thinking about the past, it is just something that I really don’t dwell on.

But tonight I hit two meetings at my home group and I had time to sit and ponder the past 8 years of “this” sobriety, and in a greater circle the last fifteen years. I should be dead… I should have died years ago … Which brings me to the eternal question that I ask every Christmas of God, “what am I still doing here?”

When I look back retrospectively over the past, I came to believe before I came to because someone up there liked me enough to set this path out that I walked, I wish I had had all this wisdom in my head then, but I didn’t. I had to walk it out “One day at a time.” When you are staring death in the face – and counting the days until you are supposed to die, you either learn how to live or you wait to die and learn nothing in between. There were too many people in my life then, that wanted and willed me to live. I think that those first years living with AIDS was consumed by working at the STUD. I was too busy to think about dying. And I think that that saved my life.

I walked the road. I had to stumble and fall, and learn to pick myself up again after my terrible crash and burn. God knew what he was doing. When I returned to home base after my slip the path was there, and I walked it.

Looking back I know that God was moving heaven and earth for me, and it seemed that I was paying attention to the signs and omens. I knew the way back to the rooms, but I was ashamed to come back because I was going to get sober AGAIN in the same city that I got sober in to begin with. And sober circles are very small … people know … and they knew I was on the rebound…

I prayed prayers – I needed certain things … And each prayer was answered.

  1. I needed a place to live – and it came …
  2. I needed a job, that came with the apartment
  3. I needed to stop drinking – the hangover of death came
  4. I needed to meet another alcoholic – Troy came into my life
  5. I needed to get to a meeting – I did that for Troy’s 1st anniversary

I remember all the people who were instrumental in my getting sober this second time. Fonda, Ed, Charlie, Shane, Billy, Christian, and a litany of others that I can see in my minds eye but I can’t recall all the names. I got sober over the holidays and that was tough. But my friends stuck with me one day at a time, one hour at a time, one night at a time… and I stuck and stayed…

The first time I got sober in 1994, the ambulance came and they got me breathing again, and Danny took me home and lived in my apartment for a week, he would not leave me alone. I went back to work and went through rehab and found a group to get sober in. They were not as kind to me as the second group of people. Because back then, to get sober, one had to face the gauntlet of people betting against you that you would drink once again ….

I remember picking up my first medallion – Fuck You you bastards, I stayed sober, against all your bets and pressure to go back out and drink.

I worked in a bar, but I did not drink, because Roy was my sponsor and he worked in the bar too, his partner was the owner and my boss. If it wasn’t for what Todd did for me in those first years of living with AIDS I surely would have died. There aren’t enough thank you’s in the world to repay what he and all of them did for me when I needed it the most. I am totally grateful for all the gifts that came into my life … I miss my friends. But I guess I am a testament to the power of prayer and the work of a tight group of family that saved my sorry ass. So many of my friends went to grisly miserable deaths, and I was there through all of that, and I lived. Why ???

I pulled a second geographic in sobriety, but the second time I did it the right way. I got hooked into the rooms and found a place to live and people to help me stay sober and it seemed to work. I got hooked into Tuesday Beginner’s 8 years ago and the rest is history. So much has come into my life over the past 8 years that I am amazed by all the gifts. I have seen trials and tribulations and it hasn’t been easy, but Rick summed it up for the meeting tonight – “I came and I stuck, and I toughed it out one day at a time, and I made it to 8 years …”

And I lived to see another Christmas …

We don’t talk about that aspect of my life, and really it isn’t something that I fret over or think about any more, I think I may take it for granted sometimes, that maybe I forget that I am living on borrowed time. I don’t dwell on day counts or the fact that I live with a terminal disease. When I play that card at my meeting it shocks people. I am still alive, and surely there must be a God because let’s face it, if there wasn’t a God and I did not come to believe then I surely would have died long ago.

I guess that’s all for now. I need to go throw something together for dinner it is nearing 10:30 p.m. and I haven’t eaten all day …

Thanks for all your good wishes. This post will cross over on Facebook so I have to mention those folks here now. Thank you for my sobriety …

Christmas is in three days … woo hoo …

More to come, stay tuned…


Monday Madness …

The sprint for the holidays has begun. The final push to get all of our shopping done and thank God that’s all finished. I am home alone tonight as hubby left for his parent’s in Ottawa for the next few days. We had shipped out presents to my sister in law and her family and the package was delivered yesterday. Who knew that there was delivery on a Sunday… The elves are working over time.

This afternoon while hubby packed I went to do some house shopping and then went for a bit of supermarket safari. The weather is a bit frightful and I needed to get foodstuffs for the week. Hubby had gone to get himself something to eat for lunch, he didn’t get me anything so I needed food too.

I got my last Christmas present in the mail today from the RLP. His new book titled: Turtles all the way down.

I worked on the publishing committee – this book was conceived, written and published all my communal effort. We read, edited, illustrated, and assisted the Real Live Preacher in getting this book to print. So my name, along with a long list of others, is listed inside. Now I have something new to read at bedtime.

We have news this week that is not good. Our friend Adam is in the CICU at Shady Shide hospital. He is on a ventilator and is heavily sedated. He had a pericardiocentesis – to remove fluid from around his heart. He is also on kidney dialysis. If you can pray, then prayer is what he and his family needs right now. This is a real challenge and we hope that he makes it through this alive. You can follow the blog: HERE.

If there is a God, we need some serious attention here …


Accommodation…

I had a 10 a.m. appointment with my professor this morning to go over my work for Gnosticism. I would have rather stayed in bed because it is (-15c/-24 w/c) outside this morning. Nothing like freezing your ass off walking to school.

I came away from the meeting with a sense of direction and my prof was very supportive in giving me some direction on what I need to do now with both my paper and my book review. I knew it was too much work all at once at the end of term for both classes. It was just too much for me and I did not pace myself correctly to step up to the graduate level of work, which I WILL do for next term.

I have until the end of March to finish these two projects which is more time than I may need, but it is there nonetheless. He gave me ideas on what I really need to do for both papers. I was on information overload and that translated into my papers. So now I can focus on smaller bits of information and work from there. I have the ideas in my head, because they have been percolating in my brain for a little while now and I should be able to translate that into another set of works.

I am sticking with the program. Since they seem to want me to succeed I can’t drop the ball now. All in all it was a good meeting and I came away with more than I expected, so that’s good.

Hubby is doing laundry. He is leaving for Ottawa on Monday afternoon to see his family, which gives me a lot of time to myself. And I like that …

I did a little supermarket safari on the way home. The store was blessedly empty so I was in and out very quickly.

More to come, stay tuned …


Decisions, Decisions …

Well, the verdict is in. And it isn’t good. I wrote two papers and a book review and both my professors have asked me to resubmit that work again – rewritten of course to up my grades. I did not fail outright, but a C grade for a graduate student is the kiss of death, and an automatic dismissal from the graduate program. Instead of dismissing me – they have told me that I can resubmit my work over the next 60 days. It seems my writing skills need a severe upgrade.

I am unsure of my abilities to perform up to code. I am unsure of my future success as a grad student should I proceed into next semester. I need a serious tune up if I am going to maintain my membership in the grad student program.

I have pondered dropping out of the grad program all together and shift to the nominal Theology program degree, but I haven’t made that decision yet. But it is in my back pocket. I need to sit with my advisers over the break and talk this through before I make any future commitments or rash decisions. I am not going to change my stays as of yet, I am registered for the winter term so that stays as is for now.

It is a cold (-30c) day outside. Quite bitter if you ask me.

We got the rest of the gifts for the family wrapped today and we have to get them into the mail in the next 24 hours. All of the home Christmas shopping and wrapping is done, the turkey is in the freezer and the cupboards are stocked with fixings. Hubby is off to Ottawa next week to see family and I will be home alone for a few days. We will spend Christmas together at home again this year.

I talked to my sponsor today and to Rick about my home group. Since I am now free on Tuesday’s I can restart set up in the month of January since our newbie that is there will be traveling out west for school. I might be chairing the month of January which will be good for me. Better to give me something to do other than ruminating over my failure as a grad student. I am not happy at the moment, not one bit. But I knew I was in for a challenge, I just didn’t think it would be this challenging. My self esteem is shot to hell. And I don’t like it one bit.

That’s all for now.

More to come, stay tuned…


Failure … Maybe not

I got an email from my gnosticism prof telling me that I failed to fulfill the required work as a graduate student. So now I have to resubmit my papers to him in the new year.

FUCK ME !!!

I just had that sinking feeling …

I got a “C’ which should be avoided. I have to resubmit and that will be ok.


It’s all about power …

Found on: Joe My God … And Wicked Gay Blog

Well, I’d like to think so. The savvy computer tech aka hubby tried to fix the computer the other day and after repeated patches and computer hack fixes relented and called Microbytes for advice.

We ended up taking the computer to the repair shop yesterday so we were without internet for almost 24 hours. It wasn’t that bad. Yes it was… What do you do with yourself without the computer??? not much. read, go to bed early.

It was supposed to be a day filled with fun and celebration, alas, it was not. Last night amid no computer, I did go to bed earlier than usual, but I’ve been having problems getting to sleep lately. So I did not sleep very well last night and this morning I had an 8:30 a.m. call, and for many of you, you know I don’t do mornings. I had to be at the Theology department to sit in on a job applicant (Prof. Mark Scott) talk about his resume to the department heads. It was a good introduction – he is very smart and I like him.

I spoke to my Prof. who taught Christology and told him that I was feeling a little disconnected and I was afraid of my grades this term. I’m really feeling a little inadequate right now, and he told me not to worry about it that he was sure that I did alright. My other prof for Gnosticism was there this morning and he wasn’t very talkative. ugh !!!

I came home after the meeting was over with. And hubby went to get the computer and we started it up and it worked like a charm. I napped all afternoon into the evening. And I am still feeling a little “other than myself.”

I was supposed to go to the meeting and get my 8 year medallion and have cake but I just didn’t feel like getting out of my warm and toasty bed. It has been cold and snowy all day. oh well, I’ll get it next week. Hubby will be in Ottawa visiting his parents so I will go to the meeting then.

That’s all I’ve got for you right now.

More to come, stay tuned…