Loving the Sacred through Word and Image. AIDS – THIS IS MY PRIDE – SURVIVAL !!! A Wordpress Production

I Don’t Think He Said what you THOUGHT He Said !!!


It has been a day …

Early this morning I was awoken by a phone call from the hospital. The previous conversation that I had with the woman in the ombudsman office, did not stay between us. And it went further.

The medical coroner (read:Examiner) wanted to see me today. And as soon as possible. I arrived at the hospital by 2 pm for a special meeting. I waited for a bit until he arrived. And we sat down and he opened the foray with:

“I don’t think he said what you thought you heard him say !!!”

So much for the customer is always right!!!

He had talked to both my doctors. This is how he opened the conversation.

We talked and as we talked my voiced began to crack, and I began to loose my patience with him, as he lauded my doctors good manner and his humanity and all that shit … By the end I was screaming at him.

I was livid.

He said I must have perceived something incorrectly. I was besides myself. I was like you don’t get it. And I went into great detail what was going on in my mind. i was still wrong after all my talking.

We ended with me going to the clinic and making an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow morning. Because he is going on vacation for four weeks.

During our discussion, he let loose some information that came from his inquiries of me from both my doctors. One of those is that my diabetes is not being controlled very well, and that more medication may be added to the mix.

And that I have fivefold threats to possible heart disease. Little things here and there that might indicate that I am in big trouble. Not to mention my retarded family medical tree. Thank you dad for that …

According to my diabetes doctor, the last time I saw him in clinic, he doubled some of my meds and left it at that. Two weeks later I called the clinic and asked if he wanted to see me since he upped my medication. They opted to give me an appointment six months from that point, which is next fall.

No discussion of medication or levels or anything.

Tomorrow morning I am going to the diabetes clinic to see what he wants to do since I am not “responding to medication” like some would like and instead of waiting six months for new labs and by then things could be much worse, see if indeed he wants to change up my mixture.

Since this medical examiner is all up in my business and said several diagnosy statements, as if he could talk to me like he was MY doctor.

I screamed and yelled very loudly. I am sure the secretary got an earful of my anger and disappointment in the way these proceedings were heading.

I picked up my bag, I said Fine … I will make an appointment for tomorrow and I carried my ass to the clinic.

Meanwhile. I’ve been waiting for two weeks for someone to call me back about my upcoming appointment to cardio for the tests that mu doctor was so sure I needed because in his words last, I was going to DIE !

The sheet was still sitting on the desk. No answers, No appointment, hurry up and wait…

I started freaking out on the secretary and once again I raised my voice. Obviously I was not amused by the lack of response that I was told I would get quickly because of the severity of the call.

Obviously I am not dying enough to get immediate action.

Hence, my impending threat of imminent death was totally overblown.

And perhaps I did not hear what I think he said, and that he didn’t say what I thought he said, because my doctor is so virtuous.

FUCK ME !!!!

I cam  home for an hour. I departed close to 4 pm hoping that the church secretary would still be there so I could pay Thursday Night’s rent for June, but I was late. The office was closed.

I went downstairs it was almost 4:30 and I cranked out tables and chairs. Because I needed something to do with my anger, and to spend some time quietly reading in a space that I usually commune with God in.

My sponsor showed up around 5:30 and he sputtered and told me that they had changed up set up and that I set up the wrong way and that it wasn’t my job to set up and on and on …

Fuck me Twice …

We re-arranged the room a bit. I signed on to the group again. So I now have memberships at three groups that meet in that space. After spending so much time with Tuesday girls at the roundup I was reminded how much I missed them and that I needed to go back. And so did a friend, who used to come to Vendome Beginners instead.

The talk was Step Three …

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

My sponsor could not bring himself to the roundup because of his past. And I am amidst a spiritual experience. And he could not be further from me. And I told this to one of the women tonight that since the roundup I feel like I am one up on my sponsor.

He doesn’t give me what I feel I need. I need more of something I know exists and things need to change. So I am hoping to get with a woman friend of mine in the coming day to talk to her.

Now I am home, my anger is abated.

Tomorrow I see my doc. Let Us Pray.

However I did get the option that if I want a new doctor, I can have one if that’s what I decide. I chose to wait and talk to my doc tomorrow before I make that decision.

More to come. stay tuned…


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