It was not a good day today. And they say that “The best laid plans are just that, best laid plans…” They also talk about “Us making plans and God laughs…”
In the grand scheme of things, is university a pointless endeavor? I mean spending years, almost a decade in school moving from a bachelors, to an M.A. and beyond for some… Is it all a waste of time and money, if at the end, nothing comes of earning letters to add to your CV?
We wonder, at what point is the sky going to open up and opportunity present itself in a way that money will follow? Living on the “Find your passion, DO IT, Money will follow, doesn’t seem to be working.
We are on the verge of welfare, because hubby has not found gainful employment in his chosen field because of the greediness of his fellows, and not one hopeful job has presented itself to us so that we can survive.
Hubby filed for government assistance and after filing piles and piles of paper into a dossier covering his and my life, the call came today that our claim has been refused.
WHY you ask … because we were honest.
What good is the government when they fuck you over for a nickel???
Maybe it is time to consider moving out of Quebec.
It is a long and tedious story – but because of AIDS I bring in a modicum of monthly stipend that pays the rent and keeps a roof over our heads. And they asked us to disclose all of our assets and we did honestly, and we got fucked in the ass because of honesty.
And had we lied, or not disclosed, it would of ended up as fraud. And that is not what we wanted to do. It was a NO … The government does not calculate rent payments into the numbers when assessing financial need and so we are fucked royally.
Hubby sat here, earlier tonight and sobbed and there was not a single thing I could do for him, because I am powerless over people, places and things.
Sometimes honesty is a bitter pill.
But tonight I heard two good things.
One … Trust God, clean house, and serve others.
Two … There is a solution, but it just up around the bend, however we are not yet “up around the bend to see it” it will come.
AIDS is a tedious business. And what I had to do to survive when it had to be done were done. And because of that action, I am locked into a no win scenario. If I break from what I have and loose what I have, I will never get it back. Not now. Not ever. I lived. I should have died, long ago…
I took myself to a meeting. I set up tables and chairs, and I talked to another alchy. I sat in a meeting and listened. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path …
I am not God, I am not in control. And all I can do is turn it over and trust God.
I don’t know if a soft landing will happen at this point. Hubby will follow through with his next decision and hopefully they won’t turn off the lights and we end up homeless.
God help us …
Pray for us.
Tomorrow I have a cardiac Stress test at noon. I need 11 minutes on a treadmill… Let us pray.
More to come, stay tuned …