Pride and Humility
Today the skies opened up once again and thunder and lightening came and drenched the city in rain. For the second day in a row, severe storms wreaked havoc on the city. Just before getting ready to go it was raining cats and dogs and storming.
But they say, if you don’t like the weather wait twenty minutes.
So it was. I got in the shower and the storm was moving past. It seemed that what was going on at home was being mirrored in the skies. I decided to brave the weather and take myself to the Friday night meeting. It was a smaller crowd, which meant that an intimate gathering was on hand.
The topic from As Bill Sees It … Seeking Fools Gold.
The reading speaks of Pride and Humility.
These are two key words in life as well in sobriety. The other word that came to mind as we read the passage was ego.
Pride going overboard is never good. But as some spoke tonight, a little pride in ones achievements, like staying clean and sober, is an achievement. I think pride taken in small doses – and managing to keep it in check is the way it should go.
Then I heard one of my friends say that when he drank, it was all about himself and his pride and self seeking. It was the same way for me. What I wanted and what I believed deep down, what I wanted from the drink. In my case, there was nobody to take me to task over my drinking, no warnings from friends or family.
When I came in the second time, I have said that I was ashamed and humiliated. And it took time to regain some self esteem. I had to get past my shame because I knew, at some point, I would meet my friends who were, then, long sober since my going back out. I had to begin again.
I try, each day to stay away from Pride. However long I am sober, it was something I had to do for myself. It had nothing to do with pride. And all that came afterwards was icing on the cake. Those promises, the book speaks about come after you do the work. Because once we stay stopped and get back to living, life happens.
Am I proud of what I have achieved? Yes I am. Kept in a tremulous balance and not a drop overflowing. It doesn’t go to my head, and I am no better than anyone else. I am a member of a community. I do my share, and I am present. And I invest.
There is no ego to bruise. Because I am not all that special. And we learn not to take ourselves too seriously.
Humility is something that is learned. And the best way to humble ones self is to get on ones knees twice a day to say our prayers. The act of getting on ones knees before God means we humble ourselves before God.
Being humble of spirit is also something we learn. I would say that everybody would do to learn these truths, it would make the world a better place.
Over the past few weeks, we have been in a funk. And I have not felt this conflicted in a long time. And so while hubby sits at home doing his thing, I go to my meetings and listen and think and pray.
And finally tonight, while I sat in the meeting tonight, God opened the door in my head and posed me a truth. An answer to a feeling that I have been trying to name, and I saw light. And all the way home, I thought about what the answer was.
I came home and said my piece.
Hubby is hopeful about the future and I had given him an ultimatum because our marriage is on the line. It is a stark truth when one gives voice to the words, I don’t want to be married any more. And if you don’t fix things I am going to leave.
It was a load off my shoulders. And promises were made. So we shall see.
The storms have passed, in the sky and here at home. And I am praying that resolution comes quickly.
That is all
More to come, stay tuned…