The Shared Gift
It is the last Friday of the month. The weather has been very pleasant. And it was a good day to get out and see people. It was a good transit out and back, all the trains and buses were on time and working in an efficient manner.
It is usually advised to get to the meeting early, 1. to secure a seat at the table and 2. to spend time with your fellows before and after.
It was a full house. And the reading was a bit off at first, carrying the message and sharing the gift. At the end of the reading the chair spoke, saying that maybe we should skip this reading and go on the the next one because we were off …
“A.A. is more than a set of principles; it is a society of alcoholics in action. We must carry the message, else we ourselves can wither and those who haven’t been given the truth may die.”
ABSI…Service Manual P. 5
It didn’t take long for the momentum to build and people to start talking. We heard about the glories of being a woman in sobriety here and how hard and full they live their sober journey’s.
Fuck if we can’t all be women, we’d have it made in spades.
We also heard that we should have as many sponsees as we do in sober years, which means that I should be working with no less than 12 men. I’d go insane. Over the past almost 12 years, I sponsored 1 man. And temped a second.
And that they say was that.
I hear newcomers who come to meetings and say that they don’t like everyone in the meeting and that also, they have already taken our inventories for us and have deemed most of us un-respectable and un-trustworthy.
So we are damned to begin with.
I go to the same meetings week in and week out. I have changed up my Tuesday routine because the men at Vendome are engaged with me personally, some of them. Who really care that I am ok, and that I can call in a pinch.
There are suffering newcomers at the Friday meeting. Some who can’t get past 18 months of sobriety without taking a drink. Who think that all we are are a bunch of bullshitters and fakes. That all of this is meaningless for them.
I don’t know what to say to that. I don’t know what to say to newcomers who think that I can’t be trusted or respected. I am at a loss there, and there is no way past Fort Knox.
I am present. I do what I can. I do service and I participate in everyone’s life that I count as friends.
A handful of members on both the women and men’s side share concern when I am down. And I appreciate that. But I still wonder, where does a queer man living with AIDS and alcoholism find commonality, I mean there are gay members all over, but everyone I know is spoken for.
I just don’t know what else to do to perk up my program.
Because it is surely not about me.
I don’t go out looking for fresh meat at a meeting like the women do. But it is a challenge to find people who want to work with me for any reason.
Oh well. time to eat. gotta go.
More to come, stay tuned.