The week is almost over. And today was D-day for things to change here at home. And I am told tomorrow will be decision day in any case, my stated resolution and deadline have come and gone. Tomorrow we should have some answers.
The weather went south today and rain fell. I was out early for set up and with tunes on board, all went quickly. It was an intimate gathering of men. Some of my friends could not make it, but we made due with who showed up.
The one good thing about the meeting is that for another month, we made rent, so the meeting will continue, as long as we can pay the bills. There is a local speaker meeting that we go up against on Thursday nights, and it is hard to get men to come to our meeting.
The chair picked a reading from Came to Believe, and the idea of a man who is sober, faces challenges but through it all he comes to believe in a power greater than himself as he evolves. It goes without saying that in sobriety, like any other walk of life, we are continually tested by fire.
And if you survive without getting burned or maybe a bit singed … You will grow from your adversity and challenges. Honestly, folks are challenged and I listened to everybody speak, and I could have had something to say to each of them, and in the end, I chose the one who would be most receptive to some words from a fellow on the same path.
Learning to live with AIDS/HIV is a learning curve. You grow into your disease, even when you are dis-eased. There are lessons to learn and life issues to deal with. The less toxic people you have in your life the better you will be. And if that means jettisoning people who don’t build you up is a heartbreaking decision.
But you can’t get well or live a good life with toxic people and family tearing you down when you are in their presence. I learned that lesson the hard way. I mourned the loss for a long time, but eventually I was able to put them to bed for good. I rarely think about it any more, because there will never be a better resolution to that family pain.
It seems that I have figured out what it is that I am going through. And it was so simple, to be able to name the feelings and where my head is.
Ever since I got sober, I have had good times, and I have had challenges. But I kept going to meetings, sharing and talking to people. The rest, they say, is history. Years later, I think on this … I am pretty staunch on my views of marriage and marriage vows.
I tell perspective couples who want to get married that you tack a copy of your vows on the fridge and when you can live into them, together, then you are ready to get married.
When we got married, we wrote our vows separately unknown to each other. And when the time came to speak them, they were practically the same, almost word for word. So we take them seriously.
And I figured out that God has been testing me on my ability to learn about obedience and poverty. That also, every vow that I spoke is on the table to be learned the hard way. Things have been better, and things have been worse. there is in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer.
I almost brought my marriage to an end. Because it takes two to tango and it takes two to be married, I can’t be married for both of us, and if hubby could not live up to his responsibility then i was going to walk.
When I realized this and spoke the words, the fire was lit and it was high time for us to reach resolution.
I have been on a tangent for a couple of months, in regards to sobriety and sponsorship. But I think I’ve come back full circle. And now I can see where I went and how it happened. I figured it would come around if I waited and studied it long enough. Which is why we go to meetings.
How do you let go of people? Gently. Everyone has the right to mourn the loss of friends and fellows and family. It is a hard journey, but when it comes time that we must step back and let go – we do it gently and carefully.
So much going on for our men tonight. I hope something I said tonight will take root and help out my young friend.
It was a good night.
More to come, stay tuned …