Some Days I Feel like This …
There are some days, like today, where this image is appropriate.
One day the sun comes out, the next, it is shrouded in cloud.
One day it is cold, the next a bit warmer, and tonight going into tomorrow calls for rain, only for 12 to 20 hours we will rise above zero, enough to give us rain, then it is back down into minuses.
More snow will fall the middle of next week.
I got up early today after having a dream about Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge. It was a sweet dream, in the dream we were very close.
Then I woke up … I hate when that happens !!!
Hubby has left the job that was such a godsend, and paid the bills, because not all political aspirations can succeed. So he is home with me during the day, and I am getting used to him being here when I have my daily routine and ritual. Now that has to run with him present.
I am two steps away from completing my passport application. One, I need photos and Two, I see my guarantor on Monday for lunch.
Had my old passport NOT been so expired more than a year, I could have used the One Click form which was much easier to complete. I had to use the old method, the one where you have to jump through several circus hoops and get all kinds of signatures and legal proof of cit and recommendations and a legal guarantor.
The ease of which this has come to completion is a reminder that on any given day, I get what I need. And that I have all the people I need in my life. My cup is filled.
Tonight I purposely left later than usual, because of the fact that particular people are setting up, that I try not to interact with. But from point to point took 40 minutes. I arrived first, besides the set up guy.
He was almost finished. And we had 45 minutes to wait for the meeting to start. It is a good thing that my sponsor tells me to be kind and to be wary and to do the right thing in all situations. It was not as intense as I was fearing. Since I held out my hand it was empowering and kindness in action.
Today’s Topic, “Daily Acceptance.”
I cannot blame anyone else for the fact that I am an alcoholic. I don’t ever remember pouring liquor down my throat in an act of defiance or anger.
The old adage …”You hurt me so I’ll show you, I’ll hurt me!”
In the end my drinking was all self centered. All I cared about were the magical qualities that the drink was supposed to give me, but didn’t. It wasn’t about others, it was all about me.
On a daily basis, we have a daily reprieve, based on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake, so why tonight, am I sitting in the pity pot bemoaning what I don’t have?
One of my friends sitting next to me tonight, after I spoke, tilted his head over towards me and said “well, in this case the word is Fuck them.”
Blood is not thicker than water.
Sometimes we must build the family we need.
And in the rooms, as well as my tight social circle, I have everyone I need.
There is that small space in my heart that breaks because there are living human beings in this world bound by blood, who want nothing to do with me. And like a good alcoholic, I want to make it all better. And no amount of words or energy I put into these thoughts, is wasted time and energy.
Determining long ago that I would never become my father, or treat people the way he did all the time I was growing up, All those folks he alienated, I worked so hard at making it better behind his back.
I have those people in my life, who are active and supportive.
How can one live with themselves knowing that you hate so deeply?
I just cannot understand, 46 years now, and I still don’t get it.
I may ask the questions of God, and to this day he is mum, on the subject.
So my friends are right – Fuck Them.
It was a very quick ride home. The bus came right away, the trains came one after another, and in a flash I was back in my burg.
I got to see my friends. What a blessing.
I have everything that I need. So some gratitude.
I don’t need anything more than what I have in my yard.
Life is good.
More to come, stay tuned …