Sunday Sundries – ANGER (Read: I’ll Show You)
Acceptance is the KEY to ALL my problems
There are NO justified resentments
Resentments are the dubious luxury of normal men and women. Resentments are a luxury that alcoholics cannot afford
We are POWERLESS over people, places and things
Today was a glorious day. Just GLORIOUS. Twenty degrees, sunny, a cool breeze, and not a cloud in the sky. It was so nice, that we all left home uber early and set off for the church to do The Work with others. A sure sign that Spring has Sprung, and not a day too late.
I made plans, and God laughed at me. (read: the baby slept all day long after not sleeping at all last night, so our venture to the park to play was put off). Boooo…
That gave me an extra hour to luxuriate in my bed before I HAD to get up.
We opened the church and got set up, so The Work could commence. I took those pesky egg timers and tossed them into the trash, never to be seen again. When my chair walked in he went looking for them, and in not finding them, looked at me askance, and I said, “No More Egg Timers EVER” (In my best Joan Crawford imitation).
20 points if you get that reference…
We read from Living Sober, and the chapter on ANGER.
We sat a good number AND we made it all the way around, with time to spare. I had spoken with my chair as to his ability to run the meeting long, because, it is his discretion, as chair to be able to do so. Running long isn’t a problem, when the discussion is going somewhere, and people don’t usually complain. Those who do can just suck an egg.
I mused on the topic as it went around the room. And I thought about the past. They say that when we point the finger at someone because they wronged us, we can also be reminded that in most cases, it was US who started this whole thing.
But there was/is a time, when people wrong us, and that had/has nothing to do with us.
When my mother, on our last conversation, blamed me for all of her problems and cited my birth to the date I left home as the period that I caused her ten lifetimes of grief, that had nothing to do with ME and had everything to do with HER.
She made the choice to lay back and take it. And it was her choice to carry and give birth, and then decide to keep me. That may have been a choice she was forced into by family, but it was a choice nonetheless. How can you blame a child for ones problems to begin with?
The truth is that I grew up in that abusive, alcoholic home. And what was dealt to me was above and beyond what should be dealt a child in any case.
It was a good thing that I took it and decided against retaliating, because my father could well have been hurt, terribly, and I would have ended up in the slammer.
My parents live in their resentments. I learned how they worked early on. They would cop a resentment in anger and respond with “Watch this, I’ll show you!”
Then proceed to shut your light off, put you in the dark and ignore you for life.
My parents are guilty of many things. Harassment, Denial, Homophobia, Hatred, so forth and so on. They denied me things that a family should never deny a child, young adult, human being.
And how did I respond to this treatment, “I’ll show you.”
For every action an equal and opposite reaction occurs.
When I made my life changing decisions, I was sober. Both times. I made a conscious decision to show them, “I’ll show you!”
Was that right or wrong ?
Self preservation decisions, are just that self preservation.
I pissed a lot of people off the first time I was sober, because I may not have had a drink in a while, but I sure as shit was not as sober as I could have been, (read: The Work). What I did not know then, directly affected what happened next.
I drank and drugged again.
Did I drink or drug out of anger, No not really. The book says, that sometimes anger is a direct result of fear, named or unnamed. I definitely drank out of fear. Being alone, and facing ones own death, is a place of fear, DEFINITELY.
I survived that fate. Famously.
The past is the past. And for a long time, (read: For over a decade in sobriety this time) I lived with rocks in a sack that I was carrying around, never realizing that they were there.
Some say, that if we let go all those rocks we are carrying, the pain and anger that is deep seeded, and internal, subconsciously, when that surfaces, we think, Who will we be without that baggage we are carrying around for no good reason?
Which is why subconsciously, we tend to carry shit for ages, before we get permission in sobriety, in steps Six and Seven, to finally LET IT ALL GO.
Been there, Done that.
I am not my past, But did the past define who I was, YES, definitely. Those moments in the past when I surmounted infirmity, sickness, alcoholism, abandonment, all those times that were hard, I conquered. And yes, that is part of my story. And it defined who I was for ages.
When I moved here, I came with a clean slate. I started a new life, in a new place, with new people, and a new life, sober, a second time. I could write my own story now.
I moved away from, and put down, all that shit that tied me to misery and pain.
I have been angry in sobriety. I have lost my temper and said wrong words. I have stormed out of meetings, vowing never to return. I copped resentments in sobriety that lasted for years. I have not been a perfect sober human, but who is a perfect sober human being?
I don’t know perfect people.
I have also learned the hard way, that when something affects me, I have a choice, to entertain it, or not. If a situation comes up where I can either speak or hold my tongue, for better or worse, it is good advice, just to keep my mouth shut.
If it does not effect you directly or has bearing on your life, let it go.
The book talks about restraint of tongue and pen. And how often am I guilty of committing that sin ?
- Does it have to do with me ?
- How do I feel about it ?
- Does it really matter ?
- Do I really need to get involved ?
- Am I acting out of EGO or LOVE ?
- Should I just walk away and keep my mouth SHUT ?
Feelings come, and feelings go. We have the choice to entertain them or not. And what alcoholic, doesn’t like to wallow in anger and resentment, just because it “Feels so Good.”
Oy, I am getting too old for this shit.
I want to be sober in mind, though and action. Which means that I need to be “In the Middle of the Boat.”
Which means I need the work, others, my sponsor and a meeting.
If I am connected to OTHERS, there is no time to be in ME.
Anger and resentment are luxuries that I cannot afford.