Tuesday – You Hit Bottom When you Stop DIGGING !!!
The weather has been looking up. The rain has stayed away and blue skies have been prominent today. The only complaint I have today is that on several fronts, construction or building clean up started way too early this morning. I’ve never seen a vacuum so big as the one that is hanging on the side of the consulate building right now. It literally is a HUGE collection bin (read:vacuum) on the ground floor, with a tube that reaches more than ten stories up the building. And it roared all day like a jet engine. Just a mere few meters away from my balcony. UGH …
I was up and down like a Yo Yo all day until I finally had had it with noise and I got up.
The sadness train has left the building, because Baby Mama and Baby LuLu are scheduled to depart Montreal on the morning of the 18th. Just two weeks away. We are now in clean and move mode, scheduling trucks and movers to move the furniture to other places in the coming month.
Move Day is July First. That is, EVERYBODY moves in Montreal on July First. So you can imagine the gridlock on trucks and traffic on that one day of the week. It is a sheer nightmare. So we are hoping to get this all wrapped up before the end of June.
Let Us Pray …
We sat a bumper group tonight, and read another “Women’s Story, Student of Life.” And once again, the men piped up, I wonder why I never read this story, because, you dumb ass, you skipped it because you didn’t want to read another woman’s tale of alcoholism.
This story has tragic appeal.
But just as material losses are not necessary to indicate alcoholism, material gains are not the true indications of sobriety. The real rewards aren’t material in nature.
I have friends now because I know how to be a friend and I know how to nurture and encourage valuable friendships.
Most importantly, I know who I am. I know my goals, dreams, values and boundaries, and I know how to protect, nurture, and validate them. Those are the true rewards of sobriety, and they’re what I was looking for all along.
I came to A.A. in order to stop drinking; what I received in return was my life.
The story of a young woman, never seeing alcoholism or dysfunction in her home life, leaves the nest, and enters college. And never drinking before, she attends her first of MANY fraternity parties.
She has a drink, then she has MORE, ends up sick as a dog, tossing her cookies in a bathroom stall, and after all that she gets up from the bowl and she thinks …
OMG I’ve arrived, Give me MORE, I like it …
It is like sitting at the bar, with a stiff shot in a nice little shot glass, and you grab that shot and toss it back, as it bites your throat as it goes down, and you lick your lips and repeat that phrase …
OMG, I like it, Give me another …
When she had a moment of self appraisal with one of those alcoholism questionnaires, she grades high, in the “never had those losses,” so I must not be an alcoholic!
But she writes that in the end, it was ALCOHOL that was the LIE.
Alcohol, it is a lie, an evil, insidious lie, and I chased that lie for a long time, even when it was obvious that I was going nowhere and killing myself while I was doing it.
And how many of us fell for that lie, and went down this road ourselves, until we indeed, hit our respective bottoms, and quit digging, and realized just how duped we were by the LIE of Alcohol ?
After a little bit of time, she is sitting in a meeting, and gets asked to speak, for the first time, and the story goes:
It was the second meeting that clinched my resolve to pursue sobriety. There were about thirty five people in attendance, but the space was small, so the meeting seemed very crowded. Being from out of town, I stood up and introduced myself when asked to by the chairperson. Later on in the meeting, the chairperson called on me to share. I got up and somehow walked over to the microphone and podium – I’ve never been so nervous in my life. But the words came out naturally as I described the events that led up to the meeting that night.
As I spoke, I looked around the room. More importantly, I looked at the faces of the people in the room and I saw it. I saw the understanding, the empathy, the love. Today I believe I saw my Higher Power for the first time in those faces. While still up at the podium, it hit me – THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR ALL MY LIFE.
This was the answer, right here in front of me. Indescribable relief came over me; I knew the fight was over.
How many boys and girls, not yet adults, move from home into university settings, or into early job prospects, and moving away from home for the first time, and we hear this lie told to us, that “Alcohol will get you where you want to go, and if you don’t hear that one, you get that “first drink, give me more phenomena!”
I lived my story backwards. I started in Hell and began loosing in the first few months of leaving home. And even with those losses, I took my lumps, and just kept going. That was the bulk of my twenties, until I got sick at 26.
I had a two year break from misery, to meet and conquer death, soberly. That was a success, but the lie was not over, I had not hit that final bottom.
But when I did, in 2001, at 34, I was licked. I was done. I knew where I had to go, and I prayed that God would get me there, and He did.
The rest is history.
Some things I heard this evening:
- I can’t stand looking in the mirror, even sober
- I feel less than, because I am being hit with life lumps and I don’t quite know what to do with them
- Well, I’ve got some time, and sure as shit, life is not getting better for me
- When are the Promises going to begin coming ?
- I don’t know who I am
It is the same for everybody, woman or man. When we come in, life may suck, but you haven’t had a drink in a while, so stick with it. Just because we get sober, God doesn’t turn around and flatten the mountains and raise the valleys to meet us.
Life is as Life is going to be. This is Life on Life’s terms, raw and unadulterated.
It ain’t easy, and now you know about the lie, because you fell for it. And now you are learning how to live with the truth. So sit down, shut up, take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth, and pay attention.
You put one foot in front of the other. You Join a Group. You get active. You do some service, and try a little gratitude for today that you did not drink or drug.
My sponsor really likes simplicity:
If you did NOT drink or drug today, then that is a good start.
Alcoholics love control, complexity, and sitting in ones own shit.
The problem with sitting in ones own shit, is that, eventually you begin to smell like shit, and who wants to hang around someone who is sitting in a shit pile for very long ?
Not Many People.
I can’t give final answers to any of the questions above. All I can tell you is that it took a very long time for the Promises to come true, more than a decade for some, so hang on while the roller coaster is in motion.
Life is not easy, just as Sobriety is not any easier either.
But you are here, I suggest you come back for more.
It will get better. If you want results, you have to DO the WORK.
You cannot reap benefits from a program that you do not work conscientiously.
Women suffer Too …