Friday – Peeling the Onion – Overlooked
It has been a very “sticky” couple of days. Rain was supposed to fall, to a certain degree, but it was just bright and sunny all morning, then it got miserably cloudy and drizzly, the clouds parted and we got a dry evening, but it is sticky.
I’ve been working on another facet of sobriety lately, after my mother’s day meltdown and the conversation that ignited, on Monday past, I was at a meeting and a friend turned me on to another book to read.
Toxic Parents, Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life.
Dr.Susan Forward, P.H. D. copyright 1989.
The writer is a PHD, AND a doctor, from my take of the read, she is writing to a heterosexual population. And I wonder why a P.H.D. Doctor writing about a serious problem, did not expand her work into the LGBT community.
Did she leave that out intentionally, or just not want to GO THERE.
I am sure there are many LGBT adults in the world that were terrorized by their parents, and now are living whatever life they are living, afterwards.
1989, during the height of the AIDS epidemic.
Now I am sure as shit, that parents all over the United States were terrorizing their children (read: Gay men) and tossing their KS ridden bodies into the streets to die alone and destitute.
After reading this book, at the suggestion of a friend working in this area himself, I felt, in the end, that I had been overlooked. Or just merely, “not mentioned.”
The only place I located the word Homosexual, was in the chapter titled “Incest.” Where she tells the story of a man, who was sexually abused by his father throughout his life.
I understand the roles we play in life. And those roles our toxic parents fall into. Both my parents are well represented, across many of the chapters. And in the end, I realize that some of my present behavior, is a direct result of my parent’s “damage.”
All this toxic past exists. It is part of who I am. I haven’t found the route I am going to take to finally remove it, I don’t think you can remove that kind of abuse and forget it ever happened. But I need to talk to my friend, now that I’ve read it.
I’ve not been emotionally sober lately, my brain fart on Sunday proved that, and on Monday night after talking in the meeting, I was cranking as well, a friend looked at me and asked me if I was ok …?
And my stock answer was “yeah, I’m fine …”
How often do we spare someone the real truth, because admitting the truth would defy family secrets and vows to maintain equilibrium, when really, I am turning inside out.
Yeah, I’m Fine …
- Fucked up
- Neurotic and
How many other queer people in the world, heard the word “FAGGOT” tossed at them or the word “QUEER” or “HOMOSEXUAL?” All derogatory terms when used in hatred by parents.
How may other queer people in the world heard from a parent that “They were a mistake and should never have been born?”
How many other queer people in the world were physically, sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused by their parents?
How many Gay men went to their deaths, and how many of us who survived, the scourge of AIDS, live with the guilt and sorrow over the fact that we were abandoned when we most needed family?
The writer never once mentioned anything about an LGBT person in her PHD capability.
Not One …
I’m not sure of my stats on this, but I am sure that LGBT women fall under this heading as being abused to some degree, in their lives, but I have no concrete information to speak towards this.
What I DO know, is that GAY men, GAY boys, Gay Women and GAY girls face the same derogatory abuse heaped upon them by their parents, siblings, and peers.
We see way to much of this in today’s world, kids killing themselves because of intense abuse by their parents, their churches, their schools and by their friends.
This Toxic abuse by parents is NOT a new idea. This has been going on for decades and decades. I just happened upon this book, and found it severely lacking to an entire population of people, who HAVE been abused and now live with that wreckage.
I see countless young boys, girls, men and women, who come into the fellowships beaten and dead because of drug and alcohol abuse. But I’ve never heard toxic parents being brought up in community, ever.
But you know, that some of us, drank and drugged because of the abuse or neglect we faced by our families.
So tonight, I know a little bit more about me, that I did not necessarily look at with the proper glasses and perspective. Now I have.
How do you rid yourself, of this kind of pain?
The second portion of the book is where the work begins to do this.
I’ve read some of it, I’ve made plenty of lists. Written plenty of letters, made several phone calls, only to get the same repeated phrase …
You are the cause of all my problems, from the day you were born to the day you left home. You were a mistake that should never have been born.
When I turned thirty, after 30 years of hearing this, did something about it. I killed the boy who should never have been born. I took him out in a court room, in front of a judge.
I liberated myself from that line of abuse, so that I Could Live…
When I turned thirty four, I made the second decision to move to Canada. Thereby leaving the nest radically and finally. Leaving behind the family honor and family gospel.
And I stuck the knife in my parents hearts, by leaving the U.S.
They were more incensed by my moving, then by my desire to Have A Life.
I was not supposed to have a life, outside the family gospel and truth.
I spit on my family honor by leaving the states, so said my father…
My family lives under a very toxic and sick train of thought My parents are truly sick people who are stuck in the 1960’s, and believe certain things that I just can’t be part of, did not want to be part of, hence, eradicating them from my life.
You must find your way into life, whatever that path is.
If you want a quality of life that is beyond measure, then you need to rid yourself of toxic people in your life.
Which leads into our final topic of discussion tonight.
Fellowship, Friends, and Sobriety.
We read about the Cathedral that is the Fellowship.
Unity, Fellowship and Service.
I am all the men and women who are part of my life. These are my family. I surround myself with as many good people as I can. And I participate in a community of people who care about my well being and my life.
There is No Other Place to Be.