Saturday – Self Loathing …
It was just one of those days I guess. Living the life I do, there is a constant undertone that exists, where I hate myself. Living with illness does that to you. We are stuck with the bodies we have, and (no, I am definitely NOT a gym bunny, by any stretch) Along with genetics, personal health, disease, and isms that must be dealt with daily, sometimes is a struggle.
I have a serious aversion to the nuclear family that I was born into, because of my story and my experience, the farther away I could get from them the better. Some time ago, when I was still living in Miami Beach, I woke up one morning, and stood in front of the mirror and saw my father looking back at me, which sent me into some serious self hatred, that took me into a beauty salon and a complete dye job that cost an arm and a leg for that entire season, until I grew out of that phase.
Living with AIDS is a daily struggle, because I have to take these pills by the handful, and some of them cause what is called lypodystrophy, the moving of fat from one area of the body to others, therefore even with exercise, and diet control, and good personal maintenance, my belly is going no where any time soon. And every time I get ready to jump in the shower, I get a look in our full length mirror, and I utter to myself, just how much I hate the body I live with.
With the Isms, those of us who drank/used for effect, dreamed for the magic that drugs and alcohol was supposed to give us, but didn’t. I drank for more than a decade interspersed with drugs, thinking, (really deluded) that I could somehow retain the body I had in my twenties, well into my thirties… Nope, not gonna happen.
When it came time to finally stop, I had no choice, but to accept where I was, and admit that I was powerless over the drink and the drugs, that time was not my friend, neither was the fact that I am a sick person daily working to remain breathing another day.
I get that this is my lot, and this is the life God gives me, so I really should not complain because I do have this body and it is still working on all cylinders. Gratitude is something I have to work on, daily. Doing my pill count nightly reminds me that I should be thankful to have those drugs and that they are still working.
Just sometimes, I just hate myself.
And today was one of those days when I got up from my afternoon nap with hubby, and the “hate yourself” tape was playing in my head. I heard it and I paid attention to it, more than I should have, took one look in the mirror and shrugged my shoulders.
UGH … I hate my life.
Which leads nicely into what keeps me in line with good thoughts.
SERVICE TO OTHERS, IS THE RENT YOU PAY, FOR YOUR ROOM, IN THIS LIFE.
This quote was connected to the photo above of Muhammad Ali, spoken by a Jesuit Priest I follow on Facebook. We’ve lost another Life Changing human being. Sad.
The fact that I have meetings to go to, and also that I have several keys on my key ring for assorted meetings all over town, I don’t have too much time to think about hating myself, when every day, I have to go out and serve my community.
We spoke about sober longevity tonight, and how we keep this (read: Sobriety/Clean time) going ? When you come in, you might hear the words, Stay in your day, and One day at a time, and keep coming back … over and over and over again until you can’t bear to hear those damn slogans for as long as you live …
They work, and the longer you are here, that wisdom eventually sets in, and you realize after more than a decade in the program, that you indeed, have applied those stupid slogans, and simple practices, prayer, meditation, and SERVICE, into your daily life, as if it were natural and was always there.
I know folks who have been in much longer than the rest of us, and most of them have fallen away, they don’t call at all, but will pick up the phone if I call, they stop going to meetings, and they have totally disconnected.
Don’t Do That … That is a perfect storm to say FUCK IT, and then you will end up on the bitter end of a drink or a drug.
I live a simple daily life. I never plan my day, aside from what “needs” to be done, the rest I leave up to God, and I work on daily, Staying Out of my Head. Because there is enough shit in there to ruin a good day for a month …
I have friends, they all love me and care that I am there.
I know where my loyalties rest. And I know when to say, Enough…
I feel much better now …