Thursday – Process, When is Enough, ENOUGH ?
Yesterday was a BIG day. It was the final responsibility for me to close Baby Mama’s chapter here in Montreal. For the last few months, since she and the baby have gone, it fell to me to clean out the apartment, get rid of all the baby furniture and goods, which had been done early on.
Yesterday was the final move. I chose to wait on this move, to aid one of my friends who needed help to move to HER new apartment yesterday. So we coordinated a date to move so that we had one truck, and three moves planned. Yesterday evening we had a truck rental for a three hour block. We loaded up the furniture going to her apartment and then loaded everything else she needed moved into the truck and made a one stop load/unload run.
We then went back to Baby Mama’s and loaded the bedroom set and trucked it over to my apartment. Now we have completely replaced ALL the old furniture with new stuff. This was Baby Mama’s gift to me when she decided to move.
I cleaned up the apartment. locked the door, and turned in the keys to the management. And with that, this chapter is now closed.
The tough part of yesterday was the my “former” sponsor was driving the truck. I was emotionally and spiritually prepared for whatever was going to go down. But when I got in the truck, not a word was mentioned.
No words, No apology, Nada, NOTHING.
On the way to my apartment building my sponsor hit a car with the truck and damaged it. He got out of the truck and said to me, in front of my husband, “Let’s get out of here and nobody will know who hit the car.”
Hubby was not amused. We left a note on the car for the driver, telling him what happened, and to contact me today, which he did.
“Former Sponsor has no scruples, and is cold and calculating.”
He could not extricate himself from the situation any faster than he did. When he realized that he had done something uncouth, he took off in the truck to return it.
Now I am stuck dealing with a damaged car, and a truck rental company, because I was the one who rented the truck, but wasn’t the driver of said truck.
And do you think he called me today to inquire if everything was alright? Nope, Nothing, NADA … He abandoned me to deal with this alone, like he wants nothing to do with this, when he was the one who caused the accident.
FUCK ME !
Tomorrow, on the busiest day in Quebec moving history, July 1st, people will be all over the place, because tomorrow is MOVING DAY in the entire province of Quebec. And I have to go there and take care of my refund and an accident insurance claim.
This evening was our regular Thursday night gathering. We listened to Step Six and a Speaker, afterwards. Once again, I listened to my friends, before I said a word.
Reading: The Spirituality of Imperfection.
I shared what I had to say. And after the meeting, a friend waited for me to talk. He has a particular view of the program, the people in it, his experience, and his knowledge of my story. I’ve said before, that my friends are paying closer attention to me, than I am paying attention to me.
He made several observations.
Several times I’ve had run in’s with Heterosexual Men who’ve sent me away, told me to leave, and recently, been bullied to tears, by my “former” sponsor.
There is a pattern there.
We spoke about my reading, and what the book says, and he added that, “at what point, do you own your feelings and who you are, and be able to express anger and sometimes righteous anger for the right reason, and say, Enough is ENOUGH.
Some of my friends, tell me that I have to allow him his feelings and reactions, to give him permission to be who he is, at 32 years sober, to treat me the way he treated me, being part of “Community” striving for a “Spiritual solution” with others, who we are supposed to care about and support.
Community, as the book says, is supposed to be a safe place, where like minded people, are heading in the same direction. People who care about each other, don’t knock one another down, they don’t humiliate them, or bully them.
Friends don’t do that to friends.
My former sponsor was NEVER my friend, and for most sponsors, in the circle he runs in, sponsors are not sponsees friends. And that should be acceptable ?
I did not get a phone call, in all these days and weeks. Yesterday, I did not get one word of concern or accountability. And I was prepared for that as well. So that did not burst any bubble for me.
But my friend, this evening, said, perfectly clear, that I really should not allow someone to get away with what I have let get away with, and not said a word sideways. At what point, am I going to own ME, and say things that might not be politically correct or sober, for that matter.
Because “Silence gives consent.”
Some of my friends, encouraged me to not say a word, and allow what happened, as “well, he was treated badly as a child, so that should give him permission to treat others, that way.” Um, NO.
Some of my friends have told me that “He is cold heart-ed and that that is who he is and not to expect the proper response, even with 32 years of sobriety.
I have also been told, by a friend, that, “You might have the time, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are SOBER.” Wise words …
Those who I trust for advice have said what they have said, advice wise. I’m in the book, talking to Holy people. The other day, I spoke to my spiritual director about forgiveness, and told him what happened, and he said that I am justified in my feelings.
Someone in a Spiritual Mentor/Sober Sponsor/Adviser Position, if said person crosses the line where trust and respect is the rule, and they betray that trust and respect, then you let them go and you walk away.
Note … If you are in an abusive relationship, you have two choices, You either leave and move on, or you go back for more punishment.
Pathological abuse by someone who is long sober, is COLD and CRUEL. And one should never allow another human being to treat you any less than, for any reason.
The hell with sober time.
Friends don’t shit on each other. And people working towards the same goal, of spiritual growth and healing, have love and compassion, and treat each other with respect, at least, that “should be the rule, right?” Obviously, that isn’t the case for some.
Every day brings another point of view, when I talk to my friends, and I get another angle on perspective. I think that is a good thing.
It is sad. Because I have entered into a Paradigm shift in sobriety. If I don’t stick with my friends right now, I am sunk.
Tomorrow is Canada Day.
It is also the best night of the week, because all the people I care about will be there, less my best friend, who will be celebrating on Parliament Hill tomorrow evening.
His move went well, they love the new apartment, and they are only 5 blocks from Parliament. Cool Beans. I know where I am going when I visit them.
End of Rant…