Loving the Sacred through Word and Image. The Ferryland – New Foundland Iceberg Easter 2017. A Word Press Production.

Thursday – Some People Just Crack Up

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It is the night before the BIG DAY, and my Chip and the Associated Human that has that chip, is out of the country tonight, and won’t be home in time for the meeting tomorrow night. So we just roll with the punches and we do this next week instead.

I’m not loosing my head, because one of my best friends is giving me my chip.

Last week, his wife surprised him with a trip to Las Vegas and right now they are in San Diego surfing, meanwhile, there is three inches of snow on the ground, that fell fast and furiously in the past two hours.

Oh Well …

My little team of Elder’s and I hit a snag on Wednesday, when I was faced with an ultimatum, of ending my marriage or no forwards progress in the church.

I am NOT ending my marriage for any man nor any Prophet, nor Heavenly Father, Period !

That message went out earlier this afternoon.

I got a response saying that we could have more discussion.

More on that next week.

Tonight, at the hour when people begin traveling towards a meeting, a snow squall hit with furious power, and caused mayhem on the roads. The first furious snowfall usually fucks with people’s heads.

Most, don’t have their snow tires on yet. And many, forget how to drive, when it begins to snow. Fear sets in and they won’t leave their driveways.

As was the case tonight.

I left early, because it was snowing. But I did not really look outside, or I would have changed the shoes I was wearing. I walked up to the bus stop. And as I arrived at that stop, there was a bus sitting at the light, which was green … I crossed the street through moving traffic to get to said bus, and the bus driver looked at me, and I waved him to stay so I could get on the bus;

He looked at me and put the bus in drive and took off down the street.

Even though I waved him to stop. Fuck these smug STM bus drivers …

I got to the church and it was dark, so I waited, until the church’s choral director found me outside standing in a snow squall, waiting for someone to open the door, because our door lady, was supposed to get a ride from someone who would not leave her driveway because it was snowing, got there uber late.

Which made the COFFEE late as well. People were not happy at all.

There is something to be said about being sober in double digits. There is a wisdom that sets in, when you meter your sobriety against your time. I am always mindful of the saintly words that …

YOU MIGHT HAVE THE TIME, BUT YOU SURE ARE NOT VERY SOBER …

When I got sober, this time around, I did everything that I was told to do. And whatever that was, that I was doing, kept me on a short leash, and sober.

I have enough years now, that I have seen many people come in and get sober, or attempt sobriety. I have watched people come in, stay a while, then leave and never come back.

I’ve watched many of my friends who had come in long before me, go back out and drink for some considerable time, and return, beaten and destroyed by drugs and alcohol.

Because when folks go out after having some time, they go out with a BANG.

Sadly, there are no search and rescue teams here. They know where we are, all we can do is try to help, as we are able, the rest is up to them and God.

I also know, that to this date, after listening to every suggestion known to sober man and woman, and following that advice as if it were gospel, I did NOT do what many of my friends did.

I had my issues, to be sure. It was not a cake walk by any means, but I survived without CRACKING UP.

I’ve watched a multitude of men and women come in, after I had come in. And I’ve seen them attempt sobriety, along with their assorted issues and problems.

Nobody is immune to Cracking Up. Shit happens.

I know I had mental health assistance for a long time, this time around, so there were people in my life taking care of me in that way.

Sadly, not many people get that kind of assistance, in the way it came to me, and it make a difference in their lives. Our man, who spoke tonight, is one of those who could have used it back in the day, because tonight, I saw a friend crack up.

14 years sober. Time in the rooms. And Mentally and Emotionally Cracked !!!

I sat there, and I was like, What did I do right, that he didn’t?

People come to the rooms with the lives they have at the time. And the associated life baggage comes with them. After a decade or so, you would think that people would have their shit together, and be alright.

Nope …

I am once again reminded that By the Grace of God go I.

When so many people come to the rooms, with their associated baggage, sometimes, they slip through the cracks, and you either don’t connect with everyone or you connect with those who really want to connect with you.

There are people in the rooms, who came in relatively close to my IN date. And successive years after. And I paid attention to every person who came through the rooms I was HOMED in over the last 15 years.

Some got sober, and sorted out their lives and got their shit together. Many, did not, for one reason or another.

Emotional, and Mental baggage from the past are killers of souls.

For some reason, many do not find useful outlets. The don’t find those who might help them, because they either don’t want the help, or are afraid to open that floodgate to see what comes out.

FEAR is a great motivator, but it is also a Sinister Killer.

People FEAR what is locked inside their brains when they sober up. People FEAR that if someone out here, finds out what’s in their heads, they will be shunned. People FEAR that they won’t survive their first moral inventory …

FEAR, for many, rules their lives, and that fear permeates their sobriety and handicaps them into silence and they turn inwards, though they might be sober, and some for a long time, they never find PEACE and SERENITY.

It is painful to watch your friends CRACK UP.

And once again, I ask myself, WHAT DID I DO RIGHT THAT THEY DIDN’T ???

I was one dumb lucky bastard.

I had the right help, at the right moment, for the right reason.

Bitter Bernadette

It was Christmas many years ago, and bitter Bernadette was a guest, coming to my home group. I was either five or six years sober at that time.

It was right around now (Just Before Christmas) that this conversation happened, and I remember it like it was yesterday.

Bernadette had kids in the U.K.. And she was freshly sober. And she was so angry that she could not drink any longer. And I listened to her narrate a transatlantic flight to London, and the way she was going to plan a drink.

  • A – She would drink on the flight over and be sober on the other side
  • B – She would be sober on the flight over and drink when she got there
  • C- She would try not to drink, but would give no guarantee of that
  • D – She would drink, ONLY on the flight out and the flight back

I was flummoxed by her insanity and so I said something … Those words haunt me to this day … “I said to her; IF you cannot stay sober and you are trying to figure out when you can or cannot drink, then JUST CANCEL THE TRIP until you can stay sober.”

Why put yourself through all this insanity ?

She looked at me, and said “You don’t have children do you ? No, I said. I asked her how old her kids were, she said they were all adults. And I was like, “And they won’t understand that you are trying to stay sober, and you are not sure that you can, so rather than take the risk, delay your trip?”

If your kids are adults they will understand, won’t they ???

She grabbed her purse, walked out of the meeting and never returned…

Every Christmas I tell this story.

Watching people crack up is not pretty.

But for the Grace of God, Go I …

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2 responses

  1. Bill W.

    I’m curious about your change in church allegiances; first it was banners all about the pope, pope, pope, pope! Now it’s LDS. You know that neither of these institutions will ever accept you as a gay man, right? LDS has even given you the ultimatum.

    My observation about you is that you seek a system of rules that will keep you sober and safe; The Catholic Church was first, now it’s the LDS church. Both absolutely and completely anti-gay. Although, let’s face it: the Mormons are ever so much more polite about it.

    It’s our relationship with our Higher Power, independent of any institution, AA included, that is at the heart of our sobriety.

    That’s why the lady stomped out when you asked her to delay her trip: she didn’t have that internal strength in place and was relying on external institutions to manage her sobriety for her. She knew it in that moment, and was pissed off.

    What are you looking for outside that you don’t already have inside? Work on *that* rather than wanting people to like you. It feels to me as if there is an ancestor (Father? Mother? Aunt? Uncle?) who you are trying to please. Ignore them and please Jeremiah. For once figure Jeremiah into the equation. Be self-centered in a good way, because that is where your center IS.

    The stewardess tells you to put your oxygen mask on first: if you’re not conscious, you can’t help anyone else. Jesus tells us to take the beam out of our own eye before even thinking about trying to help our neighbor. We can only give when our own cup overflows.

    Just like the lady who couldn’t tell her adult children she couldn’t come to England, I know that you have a lot of rules about why you can’t put yourself first. Examine them. AA is supposed to be all about self-examination first, and helping others SECOND, AFTER you get truly sober. And I’m not talking about white-knuckled strict adherence to the rules as a substitute for true inner serenity and sobriety here.

    Alcohol is not cunning, baffling and powerful — I don’t care what the big book says: the ginormous hole in your soul that needs constant feeding IS. Fix that. See it. Acknowledge it. Fill it with good things. I wish you the utmost best.

    December 9, 2016 at 10:26 am

    • Hello Bill.
      I am Catholic by birth. And I studied religion and theology in university, and I have degrees in Papal studies, namely John Paul II, and I happen to really enjoy Pope Francis. The Catholic church here in Montreal is welcoming and accepting and the priests here do not discriminate even though the wider church does. If you have been reading all along you know why I went to the LDS, because the elders came to me. I’ve written the logical progression of why I am still pursuing LDS and why it can work. There is a logic behind my endeavors. You are correct in the ancestor area. Sometimes you cannot please those most closest to you. namely my family. And it is true I still seek their approval that will never come. and I am turning the page on that. I am coming along. I do seek inner peace and most of the time I find it. But there are times when it is too far away. Today is my 15th sober anniversary. I am still working on me, and you are right, I should be selfish/self centered in a good way, for me. And that was a realization I had come to not so long ago. I’ve been following the rules for so long I got lost in them in serving the masses that I did not serve me in between. And that is changing as we speak. I really do appreciate you writing to me. I needed to hear this just about now. thanks again. Jeremy

      December 9, 2016 at 10:41 am

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