Thursday: Fade Away …
It is a bit cold outside. And thinking I would change it up, I dressed a little simple with single layers … Note to self … No Single layers in the winter.
It was a full day for me. I think I said a few nights ago that I had looked in the mirror and realized that I had much more grey hair than I thought. I don’t usually study myself in the mirror, actually.
On my morning shop, I stopped into Pharmaprix, and bought me some hair color.
And I was gonna “Wash that grey right out of my hair …”
I bought a lighter shade, with some lighter tones, well, 35 minutes later, my hair was a bit redder than when I started, and not a hint of “light.” UGH. I guess the hair I have did not like the mix I gave it, so it spit something out totally different.
It’s ok. It’s not bad. I’m working on a grow out for a new cut next week, because I didn’t want to get a cut and look like I was stuck in between two styles.
I cleaned the apartment, did the laundry, cleaned the bathroom. Very good things.
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This month I am doing service again, at my Thursday home group. They gave me a set of keys so I can open/close this month. Last month I was talking to some of our women before the meeting, and they asked me if I could open, and I said to them that I have had a key for a church on my key ring, for the last 14 of my 15 years of sobriety.
I’ve maintained all the First Things First routine that I learned in my first year. I lived my life around that system and it worked for me. So rather than change something that works well, I just do what I have to do on a daily basis.
Our speaker was “family.”
The theme of the share was the Fading Away …
People who have had slip experiences, and get back, and make it, tell this same story, in differing ways, and differing circumstances. The consequences are always the same.
The theme is common.
I’ve said before that I’ve seen many people, in the double digit territory, tens, twenties and thirties … just fade away. They stop doing meetings. They stop calling.
They just STOP. Common.
Our lady friend tonight spoke about her ten year anniversary. Some, at certain points in sobriety allow the tape to begin to play …
- Ah, I’ve got this
- I haven’t had a drink in a long time
- I can skip a meeting or two
- or I can go without a meeting for a while …
In sobriety, things begin coming back, and life gets good. We get settled in a routine, that may/or may not/ require our full attention, and meetings fall by the wayside, as happened for our woman tonight.
Children, Mortgages, Jobs happen, Life happens.
She just faded away. When the fade begins, we tend to disconnect in small ways, that may seem innocuous in the beginning, but if we don’t catch the trend, we end up out the door.
She did not drink right away. Not for a while.
Then over a holiday in France, she was out with friends, and she had a simple glass of champagne. And was like … I am GOOOOOOOOOD !!!
Just one drink.
That eventually led to two, which eventually led to pitiful incomprehensible demoralization.
Double digits, down the drain.
Women suffer too. Drinking to have fun, and to be part of turned into drinking all alone on her night “to herself.” Shame Drinking in Secret …
One drink turned into “Bottles of Wine…”
Cue up Shame, Fear and the Killing of Self Worth …
She knew the drill. She has, like many of us, alcohol in the family. BUT she also had sober family for a bit. And good things came to her, but in the end …
She Forgot …
Thankfully, she found her way back a few years ago. And is now sober again, with some time. She made it back. Many women don’t make it back because of boatloads of problems like:
- Low Self Worth
- Nobody Cares if I am out here so why bother ???
Shame and Fear are two major killers, not to mention a killer bout of depression in the middle of all the drinking…
We are not doctors. And Depression is a serious topic, that if it arises, and we need help, we get that help. In the end she got that help.
The warning was really clear to me, because the same thing happened to me, at the first “four year mark.” But I did not fade away on my own steam. I faded away because members of a room of drunks, asked me to leave and not come back.
Dealing with a terminal illness, Go and Don’t come back, and the HOLE in the SOUL, are serious deal breakers if you are trying to stay sober, in a world that does not want you around.
But the fade away took place, because, like our lady tonight, she was DISCONNECTED from the system.
- No meetings
- No Sponsor
- No Book
- No Steps
- No Service
If you tick two or more of these things off your mental list, that is going on with you at the moment, then the warning is clear, the Fade Away IS IN Progress.
Nip that shit in the bud right away.
Because like they say, “The first time is a gift, the second, third or fourth time, you really have to work for it.”
And that’s the God’s Honest Truth …
The Fade Away can be avoided.
Recognize it before it is too late.