Saturday: Walking in my Shoes
I spent the night wondering, thinking, praying … All those things we are supposed to do all the time, but for the most part, are not done all the time, and not until it is vitally necessary, to do them all the time.
I had a conversation in my head with Spencer, thinking about what he might say to me after writing what I did last night, seeing most of that post’s information came from him directly.
I spent the day with a lady friend, and I unloaded on her until I was spent.
The word that came to me, last night, we call it a “prompt” was this …
This is my journey and my experience. And there might not be anyone to give clear directions, as to where I should go or what I should do, since the sober factor among our peers is dreadfully poor.
I know what people around me are doing because it is plain, by their actions, that they have made their moves, as in, away from me.
Really, over the past few months, there really has not been a concerted effort by anyone long sober, speaking to this effect.
But like I heard last night, I need to stick to familiar meetings, with familiar people, and walk through the dark, the best way I know how, with my head held high and doing the right thing, as in, talking when talking is needed, listening when listening is needed, and being the man I am, and on the whole, keeping my mouth shut when it comes to other people in tight places.
Coming from the life I have come from, I know what it feels and looks like when people fuck off on you.
That rubs me like spiritual sandpaper.
There aren’t a whole lot of people, “in the game.” Because it seems like, most of my friends are just doing their own thing, showing up at certain meetings, and trying to figure out, on the fly, what we need to be doing, by ourselves, together.
We just have not connected outside the rooms, specifically.
Things of note:
- Not everyone is going to like me
- Not everyone is going to agree with me
- Not everyone is at the same point in sobriety, so reactions will differ
- How people react, is solely based on their abilities to cope with stimuli
- I am Powerless over people, places and things
- Yes, I may spend hours bitching and moaning, but life is a process
- Experience, Reaction, Bitching, Moaning, Discussion, Resolution
The take away … I don’t fuck off on my friends. Period ! I don’t take kindly to be treated as less than, or invisible, or that people don’t respect my humanity. I don’t like what I am seeing and/or hearing from people I have known for years and years. it is like all the words I have spoken in all that time, went in one ear and out the other, and nothing I tried to do with my community made a hill of beans difference in the way my peers treat each other and myself.
I think I knew all of this information all along. But with all the noise coming in, listening to God or my intuition, went by the wayside.
I need to talk to Spencer soon. He will know what needs to be said right now.
So that is a thing …