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Adam Frey

Stick with What Works

By Josh Liebman – Special to TheOpenMat

If you have been around wrestling as long as I have, you realize that wrestlers are some of the most superstitious and quirky people in sports today. I actually have told people that if you were to sit down and test wrestlers, they would have most likely have the highest percentage of people with obsessive compulsive disorder. My reasoning is that the ridged training schedule and constant monitoring of weight coupled with the general anxiety associated with being an athlete, feeds right into OCD.

I was talking with several of my wrestling buddies and without knowing it, we all had similar, if not, the same routines, habits and odd behaviors. Let’s see how many of you have done these things or something similar.

Have you ever been at a friend’s house and opened the refrigerator? Not because you were hungry or thirsty, but just as a conditioned action from years of weight management. Conditioned by the years you just opened your own fridge to look at the ice cold Gatorade that you couldn’t drink until after weigh-ins. I have seen wrestlers that would wear their headgear all day at a tournament without ever taking it off. I have observed guys that wouldn’t step on the crease in between the 3 sections of mat, even someone that made a cheat sheet with everyone in his weight class and the scores of their matches with common opponents. That was he knew how much he such win by.

I learned the hard way about coming up from behind and touching Adam Frey on his shoulders before a match. I had my own quirks; I always ate a half turkey sub from Tony’s pizza after weigh-ins. I had a pair of argyle socks I stole from my dad’s dresser that I wore for every match and a pair of Red Ohio State Wrestling shorts that I had won for taking down Kevin Randleman while his hands were tied behind his back at wrestling camp up at St Lawrence University. I loved to listen to long progressive rock songs while I warmed up, you know the epic 12 minute tracks with long guitar and drum solo’s. That allowed me get outside of my thoughts and just focus on stretching and breathing instead of nervous thoughts.

By the time I was in college I eased up on a lot of my other eccentric behaviors partly cause of maturity and partly cause I had to much else to think about that I couldn’t remember who I sat next to on the bench the last match. But it got me thinking how many other wrestlers had routines and how important are those routines to there mental preparation. I decided to ask some of the top wrestlers about there routines and get a little insight into their pre-match preparation.

What do you listen to warming up?

  • Kyle Dake/Cornell – I don’t listen to music,
  • Jordan Burroughs/Nebraska– It depends on whether I am sitting on the bench or actually warming up. When I am jogging and breaking a sweat I like to listen to up-tempo music like rap and rock. But when I’m sitting on the bench I listen to slow jams to keep my heart rate down and keep me relaxed.
  • Helen Maroulis Ranked Freestyle – I like a lot of rap and upbeat music. Remixes and such.
  • Rob Morrison/Rider– Hells Bells by ACDC- kept the same from high school!
  • Josh Dziewa/Iowa- I don’t listen to music while warming up. Over time I’ve come to realize that I like to think about my up-coming match more so then music.
  • Matt Valenti U Penn Ranked Freestyle- I don’t listen to music when I warm up… It’s never really been my thing.
  • Ryan Mango/Stanford – This varies pretty much on a match to match basis so it’s hard to be specific, but some common artists are Lil Wayne and Wiz Kahlifa.
  • Scott Giffin/U Penn– I don’t listen to music when I warm up. My midget coach never let us listen to music and said it was a distraction.
  • Wynn Michalak Cent Michigan/ranked Freestyle– In my warm up I usually listen to a variety of things but I always make sure to listen to “the realest sport” by tp & esco and “we ready” by archie eversole.
  • Matt Cathell Kent State– I don’t listen to music warming up, but i have to while cutting weight and I usually listen to classic rock and rap.
  • Jordan Beverly/Rutgers– Rap and house…anything with a good beat…mostly biggie and tiesto.
  • Destin McCauley/ Apple Valley– When I warm up I listen to mainly rap music, but there will be the occasional rock song.
  • David Zabriskie Iowa St/Ranked Freestyle – I actually don’t listen to music while warming up, but during practice I like anything that has a good beat to it.

What is your usual post weigh-in meal & drink?

  • Dake – Blueberry bagel with cream cheese, banana and granola bar for a drink I’d have to go with a Gatorade.
  • Burroughs – Usually have a granola bar, banana, two Gatorade’s, apple sauce, and a Gogurt, I like to be a little hungry when I step out on the mat.
  • Maroulis – I have a re-hydration plan, pedialyte is amazing after weigh ins, post weigh-in meal is normally something with lots of carbs.
  • Morrison – Within an hour from weighing in I’ll be only around 5+ over so nothing fancy.
  • Dziewa – Peanut butter & jelly on a bagel, either pedialyte or Gatorade 16-20 oz.
  • Valenti – My post weigh-in meal is pretty simple. Water, a little Gatorade, a light jelly sandwich and some fruit.
  • Mango – Post weigh in I usually have a bagel with peanut butter/cream cheese, yogurt, and some sort of Gatorade/water mix.
  • Giffin – Turkey Sandwich.
  • Michalak– After weigh-ins Carbs keep it light.
  • Cathell – I usually gain 7-8 pounds after weigh-ins. I always drink strawberry milk and lemon lime Gatorade with chicken noodle soup, chocolate chip muffin, and oats and peanut butter granola bars.
  • Beverly – Bagel, pedialite, and hulk juice Gatorade (blue and yellow mixed).
  • McCauley – After weigh in I always have a Gatorade and chocolate milk to drink. To eat I have pb and honey sandwiches and subway.
  • Zabriskie  – Usually a trip to Olive Garden now that I weigh-in the day before, but in college usually a Gatorade and half a sandwich.

What is your usual post match meal?

  • Dake – See above
  • Burroughs – It depends what my teammates are doing; we usually like to eat together. I usually like to have something filling like a steak and some potatoes, with a big vanilla milkshake.
  • Maroulis –  Post match meal is some type of energy bar.
  • Morrison – Anything not picky.
  • Dziewa – Probably different every time.
  • Valenti – Nothing specific
  • Mango – Well, in an effort to keep my weight under control I usually just go back to my dorm and cook something for myself so I know it is healthy, but still satisfies my hunger. When on the road whatever the team wants is what I go with.
  • Giffin – After matches I usually like to get dinner with my parents if they attend or if not I’ll get a wawa hoagie.
  • Michalak – I enjoy going to Olive Garden and getting chicken fettuccini alfredo and obviously the endless breadsticks. Another necessity is a glass of coke with lots of water.
  • Cathell – Nothing specific always changes.
  • Beverly – Something with some protein to recover like a steak or some chicken.
  • McCauley – Post match meal I always like to go get some cookie dough ice cream.
  • Zabriskie – Post match I like to go out to eat, so usually a nice steak or some BBQ.

Do you have any lucky clothing you wear in your warm up or during matches?

  • Dake – Yep, black socks, red Cornell shorts, black Cornell long sleeve shirt, gray Cornell sweatshirt, red team warm-up top, and a white knee pad.
  • Burroughs – I wear the same pair of underwear underneath my singlet every match.
  • Maroulis – Sometimes I wear mismatched socks for good luck
  • Morrison – no lucky clothing.
  • Dziewa – Nope.
  • Valenti – I don’t have any superstitions or pre-match rituals. I’ve always been of the opinion that those types of things are a chink in the armor.
  • Mango – Though I don’t wear anything specific, I feel lucky any time I wear Stanford Gear. It’s a privilege to be part of and representing such a great community of people.
  • Giffin – I usually wear the same Penn issued underwear, shorts, 2 t-shirts, and hoodie.
  • Michalak – I don’t have any specific things I wear for warm up or matches anymore. I generally warm up with. Sweatshirts on and just make sure I am comfortable throughout the day.
  • Cathell – Yes, I have a pair of socks one gray, and one black that I try to always wear them ever since I won states in them.
  • Beverly – Not much on clothing but I’ve had a can opener in my bag since 5th grade that my dad gave me to “open a can of whoop ass” haha.
  • McCauley – No I don’t have any lucky clothing or anything, but I make sure whatever I’m about to wear has to be one of my favorite clothing for wrestling.
  • Zabriskie – No. I don’t have any lucky socks or anything like that.

Do you have a special pre-match ritual?

  • Dake – Slap my arms and legs to get pumped up and chest slap from Jeremy Spates 2 minutes before my match.
  • Burroughs – I always shower right before I put my uniform on, even if I just shower before we left the hotel I have to shower before every match.
  • Maroulis –  I just remind myself to have fun.
  • Morrison – Before every match i do 30 down in 5 increments of sprawls, squats, and push-ups.
  • Dziewa – I like to take my shoes off in between matches, I don’t think that’s a ritual, but that’s about all I can think of.  But i think it’s almost become habit because I’ve been doing it for years. Its almost as soon as I step off the mat I take them off.. And I don’t put them back on until I’m ready to warm up.
  • Valenti – No habits. They’re mental weaknesses.
  • Mango – I usually just listen to my Ipod and get some last minute words from Coach Borrelli.
  • Giffin – As soon as I put on my singlet I pull up my straps. I will always start jogging 3 matches before my own and will drink water the entire time. At a match and 1/2 before mine, usually in the second period of the 157lb match I will run exactly 10 sprints. Then as our 165lber walks out on the mat I will watch his match. With about 20 seconds left in his match I undress. Before I step on the mat I take one more sip of water and put on my head gear.
  • Michalak – I try to warm up the same every match. Drill, sprints, recovery. Pretty simple.
  • Cathell – Not really.
  • Beverly – I primarily warm up the same way every time. Jog, sprints, stretch out, stance and motion, and knee up jumps to get a sweat going.
  • McCauley – I would have to say any rituals pre-match would just be when I start warming up and that I always have to re-run to warm back up.
  • Zabriskie – I don’t think I have a “ritual”, but I do have a warm-up routine that I like to stick to. My routine takes about 10-15 minutes and I’ve done it enough that after I’m done with it I know I’m ready to wrestle.

Do you prefer getting psyched up or calm down before you wrestle?

  • Dake – Both… I calm down like 40 minutes before and with like 15 minutes before my match I get psyched up (usually pacing).
  • Burroughs – I like to stay calm; as long as my body is warm I will be ready to go. The higher my heart rate is the harder it is for me to focus, so I like to stay calm so I can be sharp.
  • Maroulis – I definitely like to be relaxed before a match, i get too anxious to wrestle otherwise.
  • Morrison – I prefer calming down before by talking and making jokes with one of my coaches.
  • Dziewa – Psyched up. Getting smacked a little bit, getting into an attacking state of mind.
  • Valenti – I prefer to be relaxed before I wrestle. I can get fired up in matches but I like to just preserve my energy and mentally focus on the task at hand.
  • Mango – I would say its a mix of emotion. I am definitely excited to compete which may cause me to appear to have a “psyched up” demeanor, however I am still relatively calm and having fun.
  • Giffin – I like being calm when I walk out on the mat. If I get too excited before I get nervous.
  • Michalak – I feel like I prefer a happy medium of being pumped up ready to kill and staying calm. I try to get my body worked up in my warm up but us music and some meditation to keep my mind calm as matches approach.
  • Cathell – I like to be calm and relax before I wrestle.
  • Beverly– I like getting psyched up before I wrestle. I like to have a lot of energy on the mat.
  • McCauley – I do kind of both. I like to get really psyched a couple matches before my match, then a match before I start to calm down so i can be relaxed when I wrestle.
  • Zabriskie –  Wrestling matches are always exciting especially when wrestling in Hilton Coliseum where crowds can exceed 15,000. I try to stay as calm as possible throughout the match until I’m about to start my warm-up. Then I let myself get psyched.

Are you a creature of habit and routine or does that not matter? (Sit in same seat on bus, watch same movie anything like that)

  • Dake – Creature of habit… I do the same thing pretty much every time, and will only work out with one person during a tournament.
  • Burroughs – I like to do things the same way each and every match. I eat the same meal, shower, put my uniform on the same way, warm-up the same, get off the bench at the same weight class every dual.
  • Maroulis – Hmm, it depends I have cycles of repetition but mostly I just go with the flow.
  • Morrison – Not too much. I always sit on the right side of the bus and always have a full workout a couple hours prior.
  • Dziewa –  Not in those examples. But I like to have the same routine in my warm up, cool down, packing my bag, stuff like that.
  • Valenti – No habits. They’re mental weaknesses.
  • Mango – I definitely am not a creature of habit. I just let things flow and react appropriately.
  • Giffin – The only real habits I had are my post weigh-in meal, where I always eat a turkey sandwich, the clothes I wear to warm up, and my warm up itself.
  • Michalak – Habits and rituals have become less important to me as I age, but I still like to have a routine at tournaments. My warm up and timing.
  • Cathell – I always sit on the same bus seat but other than that it doesn’t really matter.
  • Beverly – Defiantly a creature of habit. I sat in the same seat on the bus in high school since a freshman. Lucky seat number. I try to mirror what I did on my good days because I figure there has to be a reason why they were good days.
  • McCauley – In a way I have the same routine, I always got warm up to music drill with the same person and stretch the same way. I have a specific play list I always listen to.
  • Zabriskie – No real habits. Just my warm-up routine. That’s about it.

What do you like to listen to while working out?

  • Dake – Pandora… Whatever the seniors want.
  • Burroughs – I like to listen to mostly rap music.
  • Maroulis – Whatever plays at practices, my teammates make some pretty sick mixes.
  • Morrison – Rock and roll, metal, and classic rock….. Not too creative on that one.
  • Dziewa – Creed, Linkin Park, Eminem.
  • Valenti – I’m not picky about workout music. Our guys play some weird stuff but I’m usually too focused to even hear it.
  • Mango – While working out I generally don’t listen to music in order to simulate competition. Just as there are distractions while you compete there should be the same when you work out.
  • Giffin – I like listening to just about everything when I work out except for heavy metal. I especially enjoy songs that I know the words to so I can sing along.
  • Michalak – When I am working I just like to have background music, anything with faster pace to keep my energy up.
  • Cathell – When working out I like to listen to fast beat music, some new pop music.
  • Beverly – I like to listen to anything with a good beat to get me moving. Again house music and rap are favorites.
  • McCauley – I can really listen to anything when I work out, anything but country ha!
  • Zabriskie -I like anything that has a good beat to it. Techno is always good or something fast pace gets my body going.

Do you get nervous before every match?

  • Dake – Mostly excited, not too nervous.
  • Burroughs – Sometimes, depends on what is at stake. But I am so confident in my abilities that I know if I wrestle like I do on a daily basis I will be extremely hard to beat. If I’m nervous, than my opponent is pooping his pants.
  • Maroulis – Yes
  • Morrison – Always get nervous/excited, even up to my last match.
  • Dziewa – Maybe little butterflies. More nerves of myself to perform rather then nervous of my opponent.
  • Valenti – I get nervous the night before any competition but I’ve learned to shake the butterflies before match.
  • Mango – This is actually a pretty comical question for me. All the way until my sophomore year of high school I used to throw up before 90% of my matches as a result of nerves. It’s funny because now I never get nervous no matter what. I guess it was just a hurdle that I overcame at some point.
  • Giffin – Yes I absolutely get nervous before every match. The unknown of what could happen is running through my head. As soon as I shake hands the nervousness subsides until I score the first takedown and then the nervousness is gone.
  • Michalak – I do get very nervous before matched but I think that without some nerves I’m not prepared to wrestling a tough match every time.
  • Cathell – I always get nervous before every match and that nervous energy usually helps me get through the first period.
  • Beverly – I have some nerves before every match but their more butterfly kind of nerves…anxious to wrestle and compete.
  • McCauley – No, I tend not to get nervous before a match, but I can always feel a little bit there.
  • Zabriskie –  Yeah, I think everyone does on one scale or another. But I know I’m always prepared. So the moment the referee blows the whistle it goes away and everything else becomes instinct from hours upon hours of practice.

Do you follow rankings and results during the season? Or maybe the opposite you completely stay away from the press clippings?

  • Dake – I follow some results just to see how things are shaking out during season. I enjoy looking at what people have to say about me just for fun.
  • Burroughs – I always like to look at the rankings and forums. They motivate me. For every fan there are 5 critics, so for those who continued to doubt me throughout the year despite all I’ve done in the past, thanks for the motivation.
  • Maroulis – I don’t follow anything, if something comes up in conversation I’ll check it out.
  • Morrison – Completely stay away from it. i even yell at my roommates for watching wrestling close to me.
  • Dziewa -Eh, both I guess. The forums and rankings aren’t the first things I look at on the internet, but I don’t purposely avoid them. If I see wrestling in the paper, I’ll read it.’
  • Valenti – I do follow rankings and results. I’m not exactly everyone’s favorite wrestler so I don’t get much respect nationally prior to competitions. I never have and I don’t expect I ever will. So in rankings, results, predictions, previews, etc I’m an afterthought (it happened in 2006 and 2007) — that all adds fuel to my fire.
  • Mango – I follow the media a little during the season. It’s a nice break from schoolwork sometimes to read about/see results from something that you give so much of your own time to.
  • Giffin – I follow results but not  for every weight class. Upsets and good competition are exciting. I try to stay away from rankings because they truly don’t mean anything come the NCAA tournament.
  • Michalak – I pay attention to tournament results a little bit but rankings mean nothing to me because they r just someone else’s opinion of who should win and in this sport u have to wrestle every match. there r no guarantees ever.
  • Cathell – I don’t follow them but every once in a while ill check them out.
  • Beverly – I have always looked at statistics my whole life so I’m never surprised at what I’m getting, but I’m trying to stay away from it as I get older because everyone is good in college. You just gotta wrestle your best and be prepared.
  • McCauley – I like to follow rankings and results you know just to see how everyone else in the wrestling world is doing.
  • Zabriskie – I’ll take a peak at the rankings just to see what is going on. I stay away from the message boards. They usually don’t have anything positive to say anyway.

Is there anything special or specific about your in season routine you want to share?

  • Dake – Not really.
  • Burroughs – I just love the sport of wrestling; I love the intensity and the grind and the thrill of victory. I like to keep things light to though and have fun, wrestling is a fun sport as well, and once you begin to have fun everything else is easy.
  • Maroulis – I like to believe I’m special in my own way ha ha but no, no specific routine exercises.
  • Morrison – I never liked wrestling fully fresh. I always liked to be 1 or 2 workouts before. it was a way to calm the nerves.
  • Dziewa – I don’t look at the brackets during competition. I prepare better thinking I have the toughest kid every match and I don’t worry about certain kids doing certain things. I worry about me and me only, which is where I’m comfortable.
  • Valenti –  There’s not anything too special about my in season routines.
  • Mango – Not really. I guess I just want to thank my coaches, parents, and supporters for everything!
  • Giffin – I always found that it wasn’t the work that I put in the room during scheduled practice that made me the best but it was the extra workouts on my own that gave me the most confidence.
  • Michalak – No not really I keep it simple.
  • Cathell – Not really pretty laid back.
  • Beverly – One thing I think a lot of people notice is the jump i do before I wrestle. I’ve done it since my first match; I guess to just make sure my body is up for the match. I hear i get a lot of height on it.
  • McCauley – The one thing I like to make sure during my season is to keep my speed up at all times and that i make all my shots perfect so in a match it will come natural.
  • Zabriskie – Wrestling seasons are always long, and I know that even if you are the best you are still going to have “off days” where you just aren’t feeling 100%. Those are days you have to work your hardest. The most important thing is to not let those days get you down. Train through them, but don’t let an “off day” dictate how you perform the following day or the rest or that week.

Friday Ice …

The weather is getting frightful. It’s all over the news tonight, the fact that we got up this morning to ice covered cars, streets and sidewalks.

I noticed tonight on my way out that they have sanded/salted the sidewalks here in downtown. It is also frigid out.

They restored our hot water to the building this morning, well, by the time I got up we had hot water and I was able to take a hot shower and get my day started.

A couple of things I have been looking at lately. Over on the sidebar you see Adam’s photo. A friend I once knew, he died from cancer last Christmas. They have published a book from the Adam Frey Foundation. It is called Adam Frey: A collection of blogs and stories.

I can’t seem to get my hyperlinking to work so if you want the address you can go to Adam Frey.us.

Adam and I used to write to each other during his last year before cancer took him so suddenly.

It was Friday today and we got off the island for our meeting tonight. It was a van full of men off to Chateauguay tonight. Rick, Dave, Cliff and I. It was interesting to bring someone habituated to city meetings to the country for a meeting. The energy at this meeting is very different from any other meeting you will go to in the city.

It was a bit strange tonight. It was all good, in any case. The speaker was great, she had a good message. I got home to a pot of chili, courtesy of hubby.

This is the last weekend to work on my project for my Humanities class. I need to read through a few books, hopefully I will get 5 pages out of them. So much for the “group” effort. There are only two more weeks of class this term and I can’t wait for it to be over already.

And so that’s that for tonight. More to come, stay tuned…


Year End Review 2009

It’s almost over, and I think it is important to look back over the last year and see what happened over the last 12 months.

In January I began another set of classes to finish my Pastoral Ministry Certificate. It was a tough semester with Applied Human Sciences and the New Testament and my Pastoral Ministry Practicum, which I excelled at. January was a big month. It was all about Barack Obama, and the Audacity of hope that was coming to America.

My friend Sam was very pregnant with James. And his birth would come on inauguration day, January 20th. He has grown into quite a good looking boy almost a year after his birth.

Bishop Gene Robinson caused a fruckus because he was to give the invocation at the Grand Inaugural Concert – which was not shown on the HBO telecast, which caused a great deal of consternation to the LGBTQ community. Where +Bishop Gene goes, controversy follows.

On January 31st we buried a long time member of AA in Montreal, Sylvia was a fixture in Montreal sober circles and it was a grand day at St. Monica’s she was remembered well.

In February I learned that family members were on Facebook, and after several failed attempts at communication – that door remains closed. It was quite a drama for me in sobriety. That was a bitter pill to swallow.

March was up in the air… I want to share some writings from Adam during the month of March. This comes on March 29th 2009 …

Goodday Everyone,

My chemo had no effect on anything and although it died in one tumor, it spread to two new spots on my liver.  My HCG is as high as it was during my initial diagnosis and the new chemo regiment is a pill that is more about quality of life than actually beating my cancer.  I was given a timetable on my life and it was not fifty years, in fact it was not even five…two seems likely, months if it is left untreated.

I find out Monday if it would be safe to laser out the lesions (the liver is one organ they can literally burn cancer out of), then I go back on a drug I had a year ago and with good effect.  My cancer does not respond to platinum drugs, meaning all the main drugs they use to treat TC were voided.  This means I went through high dose for basically nothing and could have just had the other two with the same effects.

I am almost happy that I do not have to go through that chemo regimen anymore.  It hurt, it was miserable, and it beat me up.

I am not quitting, or accepting this, and overseas I have learned of some therapies that involve stem cells and other therapies that cure cancer.  I am looking into it because conventional medicide is just not doing the trick.  It is too strong for chemo.

This is starting to annoy me more and more, the consistant failures.  It is frustrating living like this, fighting hard and doing things right just for it to do nothing.  Well, I guess I have to take things into my own hands and research the unconventional methods.  They apparently work very well, and that is the next step.

Well, I was always unconventional…

God Bless,
Adam Frey

On April 25th 2009 we lost Bea Arthur – at age 86.

The month of May was a tough month for me, as things in my medical circle began to change and I was diagnosed with Type two Diabetes. It was quite a shock, I got real sick and began to loose my vision. After some serious doping by my doctor they got my numbers under control. My diabetes is quite in check today.

Here is a letter from Adam – from May the 17th 2009 …

Jeremy,

You know, I think things get darkest before they dawn.  I just wish I knew how dark things would be.  Until a few days ago, I was pretty bitter. Bitter, angry, frustrated, just pissed off at the situation.  I am sure you can understand.

Then it hit me.  Who am I to hold grudges.  If God can forgive and let things go, why have I been holding grudges, some for years, some with poeple that do care about me.  Some over things that are sort of outlandish.  I had a moment in prayer and I vowed to let it go.  I got the notion that God came in right there and a calm fell.

I told him I was sorry for my stubborness and rage and that I in fact wanted to be a miracle…for surely I cannot spread hope and love in a box.  By days end I started feeling better.  I started having night sweats…which is the number one symptom of a REGRESSING cancer.  Maybe I needed to change my
goals and path to what he wants it to be.

From the little I know about you, you have been declared terminal and changed your path and seem to be doing ok.  I think I needed to change mine, and maybe I just needed to be pushed to the breaking point and past it to realize that.

Its optimism

-Adam

The month of June brought a spate of deaths …

On June 25th we lost two powerhouse people, Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett. We watched a lot of tv that day, it was all about Michael. That same day was the last time we had a torrential rain/hail storm in the city.

I also applied to the Department of Theology to pursue my Masters in Theology, and was subsequently accepted into the MA Program.

In July the world lost an Icon of Television broadcasting. Walter Cronkite died at the wise age of 92.

I turned the ripe old age of 42, without pomp and circumstance on July the 31st. It was a very sedate affair. My fourties has been all about hindsight.

August 24th was the 3rd anniversary of the death of my great aunt Sister Georgette. On August the 26th we lost the a lion of the senate U.S. Senator Ted Kennedy died after battling brain cancer.

I finished my studies over the Summer of 2009 – ending my pursuit of my Certificate in Pastoral  Ministry with my massive missive of working in Task Groups for professor Bright.

With the start of the Fall Semester I became a Graduate Student in the Department of Theology. Do I regret that today? NO, but I am unsure of the future.

I started going to the gym at the new EV building something I enjoy doing and something that I haven’t done in a while because of school.

The month of September brought illness to my hubby who ended up in the Montreal General with intestinal issues. And after 48 hours spent in the ER and massive doses of morphine and being poked and prodded by this one and that one we brought him home with medication which seemed to be the ticket to good health. He hasn’t had another problem since then.

My friend Carmi lost him father on September the 22nd. The funeral was here in Montreal at Paperman and Sons. I went to pray with Carmi’s family and about 200 friends and family. The chapel was packed. His dad was well loved.

October brought another death to the world, that of Stephen Gately of the boy band BOYZONE. He was only 33 years old. So young and gone from the world.

In November the fear of Swine Flu invaded the airwaves worldwide and clinics were opened to inoculate as many people with the swine flu vaccine as possible to circumvent a world wide pandemic.  I got my shot on November the 9th.

On November the 19th the world was shocked to find out that Oprah Winfrey told us that she would end her long running television show in September of 2011. The world took a collective gasp and television stations began to ponder how they would fill the void after her television departure.

December was a very rough month. I finished my first semester as a graduate student and I did not do as well as I had expected. In fact nothing I wrote was acceptable to either of my professors and now I have to rewrite all of my papers that are due in the coming months.

Christmas came and went – it was a quiet holiday here at home. Everybody got what they wanted for Christmas and fun was had by all.

Adam went into the hospital with breathing problems and ended up on a ventilator, he died on Boxing Day at 2:21 in the afternoon. Such a bright light gone so young.

**************************

Much happened in the year 2009. I learned a lot about myself over the course of three semesters in two disciplines. Pastoral Ministry and Theology. I learned a hard lesson from my Applied Human Sciences professor. I hated that class. I worked all summer in finishing my Ministry Certificate.

I hit a lot of meetings and worked my program. I celebrated 8 years of sobriety on December the 9th. I took my cake and it was all well and good. My academic career needs to be stepped up for the next semester so that I don’t make another failed attempt at a graduate degree. I can’t afford another fail report because I will be dismissed from the program if I don’t do better this term, not to mention rewriting all that work from the fall semester.

It was a year of highs and lows. We lost some good people from show business and we lost family and friends this year. So that is a brief overview of what happened this year…

Let us close with Adam … and pray for his soul…

True to his word, Adam went down swinging. 21 months after his car crash in March of ‘08, Adam passed at 2:21PM December 26, 2009.

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”
-Phillippians 4:13

***********************

After I posted this to the blog over on Adam’s site and here, I have been informed that Adam has passed. We pray God’s blessing upon him.

Adam, has taken a turn for the worse, phone calls have been made, today we pray for Adam as the journey looks to be coming to an end.

For Adam …

Now is the time to say all those things that need to be said. Now is the time to let God be God. Now is the time that we pray for mercy. Now is the time we give permission to Adam to do what he needs to do with the understanding that he is not alone, and that all of us are here with him and with you. We all live on borrowed time. And if this is Adam’s time, then Let go and Let God. He has been a champion and a fighter for so long. Now may be the time we tell him that it is ok to let go now. If we give him that permission he may hear us and the end won’t be so far away.

We pray God that Adam’s life not be forgotten and that we all may take away some lesson for ourselves. We pray that the angels will protect him and carry him to the altar of God in heaven where there is no more sickness and no more pain. We know that God is merciful and that God hears the cry of the poor, blessed be the Lord. We pray that Adam is where he needs to be and will be going to where he needs to go. The fight has been long and arduous and those of us who have walked with him over the years, like I have myself, can say that he fought the good fight. But sometimes you can’t fight disease, no matter how hard we pray. Sometimes when we pray God says – no, I have other plans, but this is a time of learning and of faith. Now is the time to commend Adam to God and to allow God’s will be done. The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want …

We pray God’s blessing upon Adam and upon his family. We pray that God will bless him and make him whole once again in heaven. And we pray for strength to allow God what he needs to do to take Adam home. This is what, ultimately, faith asks of us, to know when it is time to die and to go to that death with the ultimate knowledge that God hears us and is with us even in the darkest of times.

We love you Adam, and we have been blessed to walk this journey with you. God’s peace to you on your journey. We will not forget you and neither will God.

Holy Holy is the Lord God almighty.

Jeremy

Here is to 2010 may it be new, bright and exciting…


Made a Decision …

It is bitterly cold outside. (-17c/-26 w/c). It is Tuesday and it is the day before the next dump comes. I have to pay my tuition bill tomorrow and I am not liking that one bit, but it has to be done. I have one more item to buy on my Christmas list and that will be excellent.

I’ve been ruminating over Adam for the last few days. I went back through my email files looking for the letters we wrote to each other during his chemo treatments. I really hope that there is life after death, because he deserves to be there after all that he went through these past two years. I believe that there is something more out there, and where ever he is must be beautiful.

It was a quiet day today. With no plans on the table I get to sleep as long as I want and read whatever book strikes my fancy. I need to get back to work on the papers that must be rewritten for my classes, since I did not “make the grade” last term. And I am a bit self conscious about the next round of classes that start next week.

I had to go do set up for the meeting tonight. Our little pigeon that was doing set up took the night off – and he missed the meeting, oh well, he is off to the prairies next week for school, so I will be taking over set up and getting back to my old routine.

I stayed for the second meeting tonight and the guy who shared was like 4 years sober and he went on and on for almost an hour – and the chair asked me to thank the speaker – which means I had to pay attention to everything he said, which was a lot of shit, fuck and off the cuff story telling – and in the end it was lacking for me. There was something missing from his share… Like a little reverence and respect. I was waiting to hear about his spiritual journey and it was missing. So I had to get up there and say nice things about what he said, that was difficult. You don’t want to get up and critique someones personal journey, but that is what I felt like doing. I was in red pen zone.

Oh well, what was I like at 4 years of sobriety? Was I that scattered?

So that was the night. And that was my day.

I miss the thought of Adam still breathing and fighting another day. I stop by his blog every day looking for something that won’t be there any more. Two days of viewing will happen Thursday and Friday and his funeral will be on Saturday. I will be there in spirit, if I had that kind of disposable money and an up to date passport I might have gone down to pay my respects. Alas, that ain’t gonna happen. So I say my prayers for him from here and hope he hears them.

More to come, stay tuned…


Last Watch of the Night … RIP Adam

Adam Wesley Frey: 1986-2009

True to his word, Adam went down
swinging. 21 months after his car crash in March of ‘08, Adam passed at 2:21PM December 26, 2009.
In lieu of flowers Adam would want you to donate to the Adam Frey Foundation. He wanted to help others with their difficult battle with cancer. Thank you for all of your support and prayers in recent months. We hope that in spite of all this Adam still brings the same joy and inspiration to everyone that he always has. Thanks to everyone and God Bless.

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”
-Phillippians 4:13

***********************

After I posted this to the blog over on Adam’s site and here, I have been informed that Adam has passed. We pray God’s blessing upon him.

Adam, has taken a turn for the worse, phone calls have been made, today we pray for Adam as the journey looks to be coming to an end.

For Adam …

Now is the time to say all those things that need to be said. Now is the time to let God be God. Now is the time that we pray for mercy. Now is the time we give permission to Adam to do what he needs to do with the understanding that he is not alone, and that all of us are here with him and with you. We all live on borrowed time. And if this is Adam’s time, then Let go and Let God. He has been a champion and a fighter for so long. Now may be the time we tell him that it is ok to let go now. If we give him that permission he may hear us and the end won’t be so far away.

We pray God that Adam’s life not be forgotten and that we all may take away some lesson for ourselves. We pray that the angels will protect him and carry him to the altar of God in heaven where there is no more sickness and no more pain. We know that God is merciful and that God hears the cry of the poor, blessed be the Lord. We pray that Adam is where he needs to be and will be going to where he needs to go. The fight has been long and arduous and those of us who have walked with him over the years, like I have myself, can say that he fought the good fight. But sometimes you can’t fight disease, no matter how hard we pray. Sometimes when we pray God says – no, I have other plans, but this is a time of learning and of faith. Now is the time to commend Adam to God and to allow God’s will be done. The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want …

We pray God’s blessing upon Adam and upon his family. We pray that God will bless him and make him whole once again in heaven. And we pray for strength to allow God what he needs to do to take Adam home. This is what, ultimately, faith asks of us, to know when it is time to die and to go to that death with the ultimate knowledge that God hears us and is with us even in the darkest of times.

We love you Adam, and we have been blessed to walk this journey with you. God’s peace to you on your journey. We will not forget you and neither will God.

Holy Holy is the Lord God almighty.

Jeremy


Monday Madness …

The sprint for the holidays has begun. The final push to get all of our shopping done and thank God that’s all finished. I am home alone tonight as hubby left for his parent’s in Ottawa for the next few days. We had shipped out presents to my sister in law and her family and the package was delivered yesterday. Who knew that there was delivery on a Sunday… The elves are working over time.

This afternoon while hubby packed I went to do some house shopping and then went for a bit of supermarket safari. The weather is a bit frightful and I needed to get foodstuffs for the week. Hubby had gone to get himself something to eat for lunch, he didn’t get me anything so I needed food too.

I got my last Christmas present in the mail today from the RLP. His new book titled: Turtles all the way down.

I worked on the publishing committee – this book was conceived, written and published all my communal effort. We read, edited, illustrated, and assisted the Real Live Preacher in getting this book to print. So my name, along with a long list of others, is listed inside. Now I have something new to read at bedtime.

We have news this week that is not good. Our friend Adam is in the CICU at Shady Shide hospital. He is on a ventilator and is heavily sedated. He had a pericardiocentesis – to remove fluid from around his heart. He is also on kidney dialysis. If you can pray, then prayer is what he and his family needs right now. This is a real challenge and we hope that he makes it through this alive. You can follow the blog: HERE.

If there is a God, we need some serious attention here …


Paperwork …

MA Pic

I got an email this morning from the University stating that I needed to provide several documents for my application. I wrote my CV and my letter of intent and those have been uploaded to the system.I am waiting on responses from Prof. Gagne and Fr. Ray as to where they sent their copies that they wrote for me.

It has been a very busy day today. I had a morning appointment with the good reverend Joyce which was kool. Then we had our noon time service where I was able to light a candle for Adam once again.

The meeting tonight was uneventful. The topic was “acceptance” have you totally accepted your alcoholism? I kept my mouth shut and listened tonight. Sometimes it is better to be quiet than to speak. I like to listen now and then and ponder my thoughts on the way home with Louise.

Now we are heading to dinner… hotdogs and cassarole. Yummy!!!

That’s all for now…

More to come, stay tuned…


Academic News

ma-pic

Things are moving ahead quite nicely. Tuesday has come and gone and the pigeon who was at rehab returned and it was not a pretty reunion. This, I feel, is going to turn into a long term issue … oh well, you win some you lose some.

This is a monumental week in my academic career. I am actually going to submit my application for my candidacy for a spot on the Fall 2009 M.A. of Theology roster. I know that paperwork is just something one has to do for the institution and I was verbally guaranteed a spot by the MA director some time ago. So what do I have to worry about? My grades were above par this last two semesters, I believe I will clear that hurdle ok.

I am pairing down my Summer schedule to stay with just the one course on the Trinity this term so that I can save some money and pay down my summer balance because that is the one thing that will hamper my application – cash on the docket … So I have to pay that off asap or else face a rejection letter due to cash concerns.

I’ve been feeling a little off for the last few days. I don’t know what is causing this nausea, but I wish it would stop. It has totally thrown my eating schedule into the toilet and my blood sugar has been a bit high as of late. I had a really down night (a few nights ago) and I was warned that this could happen so I needed to be prepared for a low sugar attack, which I was. I see my doctors next week so I have to drop labs in the next couple of days ahead of those appointments.

Wish me luck …

stay tuned, more to come…

Oh and keep Adam in your prayers. Things are beginning to go south for him once again.


Friends…

Do you believe in Love

John 15:9-17

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other.

Friends, just how powerful are they in our lives? VERY!!! I listened to today’s sermon at All Saints Church in Pasadena and that was the topic of Rev. Bacon’s sermon. People live longer and live better having friends. Things seem to go better for people who have an extended community of friends.

I think that we all do better in our lives when we have friends to turn to in times of hardship and illness. Since posting my news of diabetes on my Facebook page all of my friends have either sent me messages or have called me on the phone to share pieces of wisdom or support. And isn’t that what we should do for one another?

Case in point, you have read Adam’s reply to my note after his defeat post on the blog which I posted here. It matters that friends reach out to one another when things get dark. If I have a candle, then I can show you the way to the light. I can’t help you if I get in the hole with you, but if you allow me, I can lead you to the light.

Today is Sunday and it is day three that I am on diabetic medication. I don’t know if it is working, but I feel ok. We have made the specific changes to my diet as I was told by the dietician and the doctor. I won’t have any more information until Tuesday when I see the doctor.

When we are community, nobody is ever alone. Imagine what God’s Facebook page looks like! To think of it boggles the mind. It is important that we have friends, because you never know when someone is going to help you, if only by their mere presence. Knowing that one does not have to face life alone is something that creates strength and hope. To know that someone is in your corner encouraging you to walk forwards is so very important.

I think that the friendships I have fostered over the last few years have only helped me in many ways. Everybody plays a part in my recovery and everybody plays a part in keeping me whole with all that is going on in my life.

“I wanna know what love is…” “I wanna feel what love is…” “I know you can show me…” “I wanna know what love is…”

For all those people out there who support me, thank you. And to all my friends out there in my circle, I am always here for you. That includes YOU Adam.

Just a short post tonight.

More to come, stay tuned…


Letters from Adam…

46995_adamfreyoncancer_1222835723124_l-copy

You never know when your story is going to help someone else. Here is what Adam wrote me today…Change in a good way Thank God…

Jeremy,

You know, I think things get darkest before they dawn.  I just wish I knew how dark things would be.  Until a few days ago, I was pretty bitter. Bitter, angry, frustrated, just pissed off at the situation.  I am sure you can understand.

Then it hit me.  Who am I to hold grudges.  If God can forgive and let things go, why have I been holding grudges, some for years, some with poeple that do care about me.  Some over things that are sort of outlandish.  I had a moment in prayer and I vowed to let it go.  I got the notion that God came in right there and a calm fell.

I told him I was sorry for my stubborness and rage and that I in fact wanted to be a miracle…for surely I cannot spread hope and love in a box.  By days end I started feeling better.  I started having night sweats…which is the number one symptom of a REGRESSING cancer.  Maybe I needed to change my
goals and path to what he wants it to be.

From the little I know about you, you have been declared terminal and changed your path and seem to be doing ok.  I think I needed to change mine, and maybe I just needed to be pushed to the breaking point and past it to realize that.

Its optimism

-Adam


He went "That Way!!!"

Do you believe in Love

Some days are good, some days are bad. This is what Adam has to say today about his cancer: I am really bummed and concerned for him more now…

Honest Truths…

I’m pretty discouraged.  My numbers go down, and they tell me its not working according to their judgement.  What the hell.  I went to the doctors today for a “fast appointment.”  I wanted to get in, out and just whatever.  My mother, who has a hard time keeping her mouth shut at times prodded question after question for two and a half hours.  I swear the infernos of hell cannot be that bad.  I got to sit there and get a detailed description of how I am probably going to die.  It freakin sucks.  It all sucks.  You want me to be honest, I’ll be honest.  I’m done with the positive, I have not very long to live from most professionals, and I feel ripped off, cheated, stressed, and everything else.  I feel pains and most of the time, my life is a living hell.  All that hard work to get screwed.  I cannot even say that hard work and values work in this world, because they don’t.  I busted my ass as hard as the next person, and for what?  The average death row inmate lives longer than I do.  Most live 15-20 years…after being sentenced.  Ironic isn’t it?

I had dreams, aspirations, I wanted to be president.  I wanted to be a father.  Maybe even graduate college.  That is slowly going to hell in a hand basket.  And please, don’t tell me to fight, or be positive, or any of that stupid bull$#%&.  This is something you cannot fight.  You just sit there and take it and hope it works.  A lot of times I wish I could be put down, just humanely euthanized like an old dog.  I’m not that lucky, I get to go through organ failure, hospitals, being hooked to tubes, the whole bit.  It sucks.

I asked for the big chemo guns again, they won’t give them to me.  I asked to fight it.  What I got was a notion of being a lab rat experiment again…if I even get in.  I pray, plead and beg, yet I don’t know what his plans are.  Nothing looks good.  I can’t put the facade on much more.  Reality is reality.  It hurts, it sucks, I wish I had my life back.  I probably would have had more fun instead of working for the future.  My future seems destined for a box.

Its just a waste.  I feel like everyone thats been there, helped me along, all my hard work, just pointless.  If I was told a while ago that I was going to die so young, I would have had more fun, hung out with more friends, did so much different.  I wouldn’t have worked so hard for things that will probably have no effect.  I need a miracle.  I believe in them, I just am beginning to doubt that they are for me.

I guess there still is hope, and I know three fourths of you will take it as such.  I have hope, just also a heavy dose of reality.  I doubt the three fourths of you have had people look you in the face and tell you that cancer was going to kill you, and how.  Tell you matter-of-factly that some people just die form these things.  Some people, healthy, never smoked, worked out regularly, smart, hardworking, just get screwed over at 23.  Its a freakin blast.  I get spared from a car wreck to die a miserable cancerous death…I guess that jerk who commented on how I was going to die was right.  Go figure.  Of course there are things that may prolong my life, and I am going to do them as they come hoping one of them will fully work.  It just is a longshot, and its out of my hands.  Fighting is pointless, you can’t fight something like this.  You can take the drugs, stay in shape, do whatever, but fighting it, that is impossible.

Well, yeah I am sure this is not what everyone wanted to read as their daily inspiration, but to be quite honest, I am not that inspiring.

God Bless,

Adam Frey

******************

Today was a hit and miss day. After reading this I had to find something to do with myself. I dropped Biblical Greek. That’s a $300.00 expense I did not want to have to pay, but I missed the drop deadline by two days in thinking about sticking it out and either doing poorly or the possibility that I would fail…

Failure is not an Option.

You either go BIG or you go Home.

So I went to the Theology department and filled out a late registration form to get into a class that I NEED for graduation and that was that. I decided that it was time to go drop LABS for my doctor seeing that I haven’t had a new ‘COUNT’ since last December. I trudged UP that damned mountain on foot because I didn’t have any change for the bus on me. UGH !!! I HATE climbing that hill on foot. Not to mention that the wind was blowing around at 50 or 60 km/h it was fierce. It wasn’t a pleasant trek.

I dropped labs and went to see my friend Ms. Nikki who works at the hospital, and we visited for a little it and I walked home back DOWN that god forsaken hill. I got all sorted out when I got home and was going to take a nap, when hubby said to me “don’t you have class at 6:30 – it’s Thursday … ?

Well my plans for a nap went out the window. I had 90 minutes to try to get a power nap which was pointless because the phone was ringing off the hook, the wind was blowing quite a clip and all the windows on this side of the building were buckling. (Yes up this high the widows shake when the wind blows)

One call was from the clinic. They wanted to know if I had fasted before coming to the lab? Which I had. Because my sugar levels were 4 times what they regularly were. hmmm… Did that march up the mountains do that? Or was it a lab error? So tomorrow I have to go back UP that damned mountain, this time I have a bus ticket, and drop another set of labs.

The doctors are worried that my sugar levels are rising too high. My father is a diabetic and you know what they say about hereditary problems.

I have his ass and my mothers face…

We are at 5:30 p.m. I get set to go to Loyola for class – the class I want to get into (Late) and I take the bus, which leaves downtown at 6 p.m. and we arrive at Loyola at 6:25. I walk onto the campus and go to the class – which I am turned away from because the paperwork had not been completed and I was not notified that (at this time) I had been accepted by the Applied Human Science Department (they are a bunch of hardliners).

At 6:40 I walk back to the bus depot to wait for a bus back to downtown. I just happen to look at the schedule in the depot stop and noticed that the LAST bus back to downtown was at 6:30. I missed the last bus home.

I had a $20.00 bill in my pocket and no bus tickets to take “A bus”  home. I started at the cafeteria and then the book store trying to find someone to cash my twenty so that I can get on the bus. I had to leave campus and walk up Sherbrooke to find somewhere to get some cash or a bus ticket. What a nightmare. I found a small depaneur that I bought a drink and saw that he sold single bus tickets I was like “Woo Hoo – You rock man.”

It is closing in on 7 p.m. and I catch a bus from the West End and then to the Metro to Atwater and then home. I get off the train and walk into the mall at Atwater on the way home and I get to the escalator to take me up to street level and I realize that I need bus tickets for tomorrow (god damnit) So I turn around and go back downstairs to the Metro kiosk to buy a ticket for tomorrow and then I walked home from there. It’s about 6 blocks from our house to the Metro station.

Now I am down to 1 class – the Trinity topic class on the books and nothing for second session which I need to find something soon. I will have to look again tonight. The prof of the 232 class told me that I might not get cleared because they denied entry to other students into that class, so I may be screwed after doing all this foot work. FUCK ME !!!

Oh well, you win some and you loose some…

That was my day.

Let’s all pray for Adam. We need a miracle.


He went “That Way!!!”

Do you believe in Love

Some days are good, some days are bad. This is what Adam has to say today about his cancer: I am really bummed and concerned for him more now…

Honest Truths…

I’m pretty discouraged.  My numbers go down, and they tell me its not working according to their judgement.  What the hell.  I went to the doctors today for a “fast appointment.”  I wanted to get in, out and just whatever.  My mother, who has a hard time keeping her mouth shut at times prodded question after question for two and a half hours.  I swear the infernos of hell cannot be that bad.  I got to sit there and get a detailed description of how I am probably going to die.  It freakin sucks.  It all sucks.  You want me to be honest, I’ll be honest.  I’m done with the positive, I have not very long to live from most professionals, and I feel ripped off, cheated, stressed, and everything else.  I feel pains and most of the time, my life is a living hell.  All that hard work to get screwed.  I cannot even say that hard work and values work in this world, because they don’t.  I busted my ass as hard as the next person, and for what?  The average death row inmate lives longer than I do.  Most live 15-20 years…after being sentenced.  Ironic isn’t it?

I had dreams, aspirations, I wanted to be president.  I wanted to be a father.  Maybe even graduate college.  That is slowly going to hell in a hand basket.  And please, don’t tell me to fight, or be positive, or any of that stupid bull$#%&.  This is something you cannot fight.  You just sit there and take it and hope it works.  A lot of times I wish I could be put down, just humanely euthanized like an old dog.  I’m not that lucky, I get to go through organ failure, hospitals, being hooked to tubes, the whole bit.  It sucks.

I asked for the big chemo guns again, they won’t give them to me.  I asked to fight it.  What I got was a notion of being a lab rat experiment again…if I even get in.  I pray, plead and beg, yet I don’t know what his plans are.  Nothing looks good.  I can’t put the facade on much more.  Reality is reality.  It hurts, it sucks, I wish I had my life back.  I probably would have had more fun instead of working for the future.  My future seems destined for a box.

Its just a waste.  I feel like everyone thats been there, helped me along, all my hard work, just pointless.  If I was told a while ago that I was going to die so young, I would have had more fun, hung out with more friends, did so much different.  I wouldn’t have worked so hard for things that will probably have no effect.  I need a miracle.  I believe in them, I just am beginning to doubt that they are for me.

I guess there still is hope, and I know three fourths of you will take it as such.  I have hope, just also a heavy dose of reality.  I doubt the three fourths of you have had people look you in the face and tell you that cancer was going to kill you, and how.  Tell you matter-of-factly that some people just die form these things.  Some people, healthy, never smoked, worked out regularly, smart, hardworking, just get screwed over at 23.  Its a freakin blast.  I get spared from a car wreck to die a miserable cancerous death…I guess that jerk who commented on how I was going to die was right.  Go figure.  Of course there are things that may prolong my life, and I am going to do them as they come hoping one of them will fully work.  It just is a longshot, and its out of my hands.  Fighting is pointless, you can’t fight something like this.  You can take the drugs, stay in shape, do whatever, but fighting it, that is impossible.

Well, yeah I am sure this is not what everyone wanted to read as their daily inspiration, but to be quite honest, I am not that inspiring.

God Bless,

Adam Frey

******************

Today was a hit and miss day. After reading this I had to find something to do with myself. I dropped Biblical Greek. That’s a $300.00 expense I did not want to have to pay, but I missed the drop deadline by two days in thinking about sticking it out and either doing poorly or the possibility that I would fail…

Failure is not an Option.

You either go BIG or you go Home.

So I went to the Theology department and filled out a late registration form to get into a class that I NEED for graduation and that was that. I decided that it was time to go drop LABS for my doctor seeing that I haven’t had a new ‘COUNT’ since last December. I trudged UP that damned mountain on foot because I didn’t have any change for the bus on me. UGH !!! I HATE climbing that hill on foot. Not to mention that the wind was blowing around at 50 or 60 km/h it was fierce. It wasn’t a pleasant trek.

I dropped labs and went to see my friend Ms. Nikki who works at the hospital, and we visited for a little it and I walked home back DOWN that god forsaken hill. I got all sorted out when I got home and was going to take a nap, when hubby said to me “don’t you have class at 6:30 – it’s Thursday … ?

Well my plans for a nap went out the window. I had 90 minutes to try to get a power nap which was pointless because the phone was ringing off the hook, the wind was blowing quite a clip and all the windows on this side of the building were buckling. (Yes up this high the widows shake when the wind blows)

One call was from the clinic. They wanted to know if I had fasted before coming to the lab? Which I had. Because my sugar levels were 4 times what they regularly were. hmmm… Did that march up the mountains do that? Or was it a lab error? So tomorrow I have to go back UP that damned mountain, this time I have a bus ticket, and drop another set of labs.

The doctors are worried that my sugar levels are rising too high. My father is a diabetic and you know what they say about hereditary problems.

I have his ass and my mothers face…

We are at 5:30 p.m. I get set to go to Loyola for class – the class I want to get into (Late) and I take the bus, which leaves downtown at 6 p.m. and we arrive at Loyola at 6:25. I walk onto the campus and go to the class – which I am turned away from because the paperwork had not been completed and I was not notified that (at this time) I had been accepted by the Applied Human Science Department (they are a bunch of hardliners).

At 6:40 I walk back to the bus depot to wait for a bus back to downtown. I just happen to look at the schedule in the depot stop and noticed that the LAST bus back to downtown was at 6:30. I missed the last bus home.

I had a $20.00 bill in my pocket and no bus tickets to take “A bus”  home. I started at the cafeteria and then the book store trying to find someone to cash my twenty so that I can get on the bus. I had to leave campus and walk up Sherbrooke to find somewhere to get some cash or a bus ticket. What a nightmare. I found a small depaneur that I bought a drink and saw that he sold single bus tickets I was like “Woo Hoo – You rock man.”

It is closing in on 7 p.m. and I catch a bus from the West End and then to the Metro to Atwater and then home. I get off the train and walk into the mall at Atwater on the way home and I get to the escalator to take me up to street level and I realize that I need bus tickets for tomorrow (god damnit) So I turn around and go back downstairs to the Metro kiosk to buy a ticket for tomorrow and then I walked home from there. It’s about 6 blocks from our house to the Metro station.

Now I am down to 1 class – the Trinity topic class on the books and nothing for second session which I need to find something soon. I will have to look again tonight. The prof of the 232 class told me that I might not get cleared because they denied entry to other students into that class, so I may be screwed after doing all this foot work. FUCK ME !!!

Oh well, you win some and you loose some…

That was my day.

Let’s all pray for Adam. We need a miracle.


Prayers and Thoughts…

Do you believe in Love

Ephesians 3:14-19
A Prayer for the Ephesians

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

I’m worried about Adam. I can’t get him out of my head. I’ve been praying constantly and thinking about worst case scenarios and possible plans of attack for his cancer. You just don’t throw the word “terminal” into a discussion and then several hours later say “Oops I made a mistake!”

So I wrote him a letter. We’ll see what he has to say in response.

It has been a quiet few days. I have been resting and spending quality time with hubby whenever we can. Sharing meals, taking naps in the afternoon, going to bed together … little things that make a difference.

Classes are moving along. I have to say that reading for my “Trinity” class is dense and makes my brian smoke. Then you go to class, as we did earlier tonight, and verybody else’s brains are smoking as well. As we were informed tonight that this course was put together to be a real challenge outside the ordinary class because it is a 400 level course (which is a graduate level course) it is cross listed for undergraduates as well. My graduate friends are waiting to see when I will give in and say I’ve had enough… I’m not going to give them the satisfaction.

Tomorrow is Biblical Greek. Already some of my friends who were in the class have dropped the class citing that their hearts were not in it. Oh well, I guess we’ll see tomorrow how many students are going to stick it out and finish the term.

I heard a really great sermon over at All Saints Church Pasadena on Sunday night by the first rector of All Saints:The Rev. Dr. George Regas. If you click THIS LINK, and follow it through you can watch the sermon on video. It is on Reflections on the contemporary home.
I have to go cook dinner now.

More to come – Stay tuned.

PLEASE PRAY FOR ADAM…



Bad, Very Bad, Then…

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This is the latest update from Adam. Keep him in  your prayers.

Goodday Everyone,

Well, I finished my exam and am pretty sure I did good enough to pass, and given I am taking it pass/fail, that is fine with me.  I finished at 9:30PM and drove literally through pouring rain (which always happens when you have a three hour drive and want to just get there) and did not get in until four hours later.  I did not sleep.

The ride there was backed up and frustrating and miserable.  I had a hard time sitting there and just not shaking.   I got to my CT scan and it was cold.  The stuff was cold, and everything was just so cold.  I was freezing.  Then, there was more waiting.  I came in early to my appointment and just shook.  I was so anxious, and the wait just kills.  It just eats at you, the realm of possibilities.  It eats at you.

The doctor came out and told me my number was just over 24K.  It relieved me a little bit, I figured it would be higher, much higher.  We went back, and the verdict was not the best.  It was actually pretty bad.  Another spot grew in my liver, the nodes in my abdomen grew, and cancer in both lungs both grew and shrunk.  We think the dead part of my lung is being mistaken as a tumor, but they are there.

The word terminal came out.  I was given a timetable to live, odds of each, and it was not very long…down to just the summer on the bad end.  I sort of figured on it, but you always hope for better, you know?  I heard, was exhausted and we went home and I went to bed.  The phone rang this morning and it was my oncologist.  He had my new number, taken yesterday.  He told me, and I asked if he was lying.   He said he wouldn’t lie about something like that.  It dropped 9,000 points in the week I was OFF chemo.  The terminal just got dropped twenty hours after it was given.  It is, hopefully a stay of execution.

I went a month without chemo earlier, and with most of that being terribly sick, I figured the cancer ran rampid.   He said it is having mixed results, and we are between a few new trials and the option of staying on the same thing and doubling the dose.  I have another week off chemo, a meeting via conference call with both oncologists back home, and a decision to make.

Well, two percent of cancers statistically just say screw it and spontaneously go into remission.  Maybe, after everything, God said enough is enough and is giving me a temporary reprive.  Maybe the chemo is working, by the grace of God.  I do not know, I do not care, it is the first time my cancer showed any sign of backing off in over six months.

I was pushed to the brink.  In my favorite movie, one sub-theme is facing the ultimate fear of death and overcoming it.  I faced it a few times, and I think whatever message there was, I finally got it.  I think the prayers of everyone helped.  I know they did.

Well, I feel like a thousand pound gorilla was taken off my back.

God Bless,

Adam Frey

So the LORD blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning: for he had fourteen thousand sheep, and six thousand camels, and a thousand yoke of oxen, and a thousand she asses.

-Job 42:12


Predestination

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A couple days ago Curtis sent me an email asking a question, And that was “Predestination – fact or fiction?” Which I wrote him a reply. That reply sent me back to the books. This book specifically.

I believe that God is up there in heaven. And that we are down here. God created them, man and woman and said that that was good. Man and woman have free will to make choices and decisions. God may have ordained the universe and he put us all here for a reason. To learn knowledge and to learn how to love unconditionally and in the end, how to go to our deaths with some modicum of dignity.

I had a hard time wrapping my mind around the thought that God ordained everything in my life to happen the way it did and that he had everything and nothing to do with my current state of life. Did God create illness and suffering and are we just living the lot that God gave us? And if God had the control to create specific instances in our lives then he has the power to change those aspects of life that need to be changed. If God is ultimately in control, and he has a chess board up there and he is playing a great big game with us as pawns then what good is religion?

I’ve never ascribed to the belief that God has caused so many to suffer with illness, disease and Dis-ease. There is such suffering in the world that I cannot even begin to imagine that God has predestined all of this to go like it has. I don’t have all the answers to questions like this, but I can ask them of myself because I have a religious belief and I have a form of cosmology in my head.

I have studied Eastern traditions in  my religious studies and they have different ways of seeing cosmology. Pantheistic religions have a broader view of cosmology than monotheistic religions. Then there is other literature that we can read. Like “Many lives and Many Masters.” or even the books by Kryon, the parables and the spirit books which I read so many of when I was first diagnosed because I needed to know how to die and I also wanted to know what was on the other side. I had my near death experience and they sent me back. And a wise man came to me and told me that I should ask my questions about the universe while I was still alive and not wait until I was dead. What good would answers be once we are dead…

The first time I read Many lives Many Masters it was a few years ago and I was at my in laws for the holidays, that was the first time that I had an astral projection occurrence. Then what followed was several snapping the tether dreams here at home. I have always paid attention to my dreams and I have cataloged them here under the pen name Jerome in the pages.

But I will tell you that I believe in reincarnation and that we have been here before. I myself have never been hypnotized and regressed but I have an affinity of certain times in history – I have quite the fancy for anything Egypt. That was really clear when the Egypt exhibit came to Montreal some years ago. I went to see the exhibit three or four times just to walk through the hall was a journey into the past.

So after talking to Curtis, I reread the text about past lives and reincarnation. And I have another book called The Journey Home a Kryon Parable that I quite like. They are both on my bedside table. I read them now and then. Because they are teaching books. If I have been here before, then I need to know why I am here now. And what debts need to be paid and to whom they need to be paid, and also what specific lessons am I supposed to learn while I am in this current physical incarnation.

If I was here before, and I died and I crossed over to the planes and was given my next incarnation with certain things I needed to do now, and also from Kryon it is said that we contract each incarnation with certain people in each incarnation. It is written that groups of people incarnate together over many lifetimes. That for some of us, certain people in our lives are only supposed to be in our lives for a specific period of time. And that when people come and go from our lives that it was supposed to be that way. And this is a present lesson that I am living through again right now. Why do people come and go from my life like they do, and this is the reminder why.

So now I have to look back over the recent past and ask some serious questions about what has happened and where the lessons are in everything I have done in the recent past. I am reflecting on this because I am writing my final synthesis paper for applied human sciences and I had to write about something from my life that recently occurred. And the writing flowed from somewhere within me. I just felt that the answer was coming so I sat and wrote out an entire section of my paper in one clean sweep.

I guess I go through these stages of reflection and growth every few months because my life is anything but boring and things are happening here and there all the time, and I feel like they have cosmic weight in this earthly incarnation. It goes without saying that this life was ordained by someone and that I have lived this life as it went. I made some rash decisions which I am paying for now. Yet I am still alive, so in my Christian cosmology, God isn’t done with me yet. This is a common expression that people who suffer from illnesses can hold on to, if we are still here and there is air in our lungs, then God is not done with us yet. There are still things to do and lessons to be learned, debts to pay and lessons to pass on to others on the path.

Lent is almost over… the 40 days of preparation and cleansing for Holy Week and the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, the most holy time of the religious calendar. Did you carry only what you needed? Did you share your water and bread with other pilgrims on the road? Did you take the easy way through Lent? Or did you work to better yourself and maybe learn something about yourself over these past 40 days and nights? Will you be ready for the resurrection? Will you go to the tomb to find him on that third morning? And who will be with you and what will the angels tell you….

“He is not here he has risen from the dead….”

If there is something that I still need to learn then I am willing to walk a few more steps – if there is a debt to be paid – I need to know to whom I owe that debt. If there are things that were left undone in a past life and I carried those things over into this life, I need to know what those things are. It is said that we are to gain knowledge to become more like God. Which means we must master the seven virtues, and we must also get rid of the seven deadly sins from our lives. We must become more like God in all that we do and say.

Faith without works is dead, it is far to easy to speak the right words – if there is no right action behind them, they are just hollow words with no meaning. So what are you doing with your life? Are you just coasting through on easy street or are you on your personal journey? Do you know what you are doing here? Have you asked the questions you need to ask of yourself ? What is God calling you to do? What has been left undone. What debts do you need to pay and to whom do you need to pay them to? And what lessons have you yet to learn?

If we were here before, and we are here now, there are things still to do. If we are alive then we have a job to do, lessons to learn and we need to meet those people on the path we are supposed to or destined to meet and we are supposed to pass that knowledge on to them. You never know when you will be entertaining an angel and pay close attention because one day the Masters will appear and then you will know what you need to know…

It is simple – we come into this life, and after all is said and done, we must have the ability to be ready to die. Living with no regrets and no misgivings, living life to its fullest, drinking in every experience. Approaching every person on our path with wonder because maybe they have something to pass on to us. Are you paying attention to the signs and the little things???

Sometimes it isn’t the BIG lessons we need to learn about, for many it is the little ones that have the biggest impact on our lives…

See you all soon. More to come…

Stay tuned…