I’m pretty discouraged. My numbers go down, and they tell me its not working according to their judgement. What the hell. I went to the doctors today for a “fast appointment.” I wanted to get in, out and just whatever. My mother, who has a hard time keeping her mouth shut at times prodded question after question for two and a half hours. I swear the infernos of hell cannot be that bad. I got to sit there and get a detailed description of how I am probably going to die. It freakin sucks. It all sucks. You want me to be honest, I’ll be honest. I’m done with the positive, I have not very long to live from most professionals, and I feel ripped off, cheated, stressed, and everything else. I feel pains and most of the time, my life is a living hell. All that hard work to get screwed. I cannot even say that hard work and values work in this world, because they don’t. I busted my ass as hard as the next person, and for what? The average death row inmate lives longer than I do. Most live 15-20 years…after being sentenced. Ironic isn’t it?
I had dreams, aspirations, I wanted to be president. I wanted to be a father. Maybe even graduate college. That is slowly going to hell in a hand basket. And please, don’t tell me to fight, or be positive, or any of that stupid bull$#%&. This is something you cannot fight. You just sit there and take it and hope it works. A lot of times I wish I could be put down, just humanely euthanized like an old dog. I’m not that lucky, I get to go through organ failure, hospitals, being hooked to tubes, the whole bit. It sucks.
I asked for the big chemo guns again, they won’t give them to me. I asked to fight it. What I got was a notion of being a lab rat experiment again…if I even get in. I pray, plead and beg, yet I don’t know what his plans are. Nothing looks good. I can’t put the facade on much more. Reality is reality. It hurts, it sucks, I wish I had my life back. I probably would have had more fun instead of working for the future. My future seems destined for a box.
Its just a waste. I feel like everyone thats been there, helped me along, all my hard work, just pointless. If I was told a while ago that I was going to die so young, I would have had more fun, hung out with more friends, did so much different. I wouldn’t have worked so hard for things that will probably have no effect. I need a miracle. I believe in them, I just am beginning to doubt that they are for me.
I guess there still is hope, and I know three fourths of you will take it as such. I have hope, just also a heavy dose of reality. I doubt the three fourths of you have had people look you in the face and tell you that cancer was going to kill you, and how. Tell you matter-of-factly that some people just die form these things. Some people, healthy, never smoked, worked out regularly, smart, hardworking, just get screwed over at 23. Its a freakin blast. I get spared from a car wreck to die a miserable cancerous death…I guess that jerk who commented on how I was going to die was right. Go figure. Of course there are things that may prolong my life, and I am going to do them as they come hoping one of them will fully work. It just is a longshot, and its out of my hands. Fighting is pointless, you can’t fight something like this. You can take the drugs, stay in shape, do whatever, but fighting it, that is impossible.
Well, yeah I am sure this is not what everyone wanted to read as their daily inspiration, but to be quite honest, I am not that inspiring.
Today was a hit and miss day. After reading this I had to find something to do with myself. I dropped Biblical Greek. That’s a $300.00 expense I did not want to have to pay, but I missed the drop deadline by two days in thinking about sticking it out and either doing poorly or the possibility that I would fail…
Failure is not an Option.
You either go BIG or you go Home.
So I went to the Theology department and filled out a late registration form to get into a class that I NEED for graduation and that was that. I decided that it was time to go drop LABS for my doctor seeing that I haven’t had a new ‘COUNT’ since last December. I trudged UP that damned mountain on foot because I didn’t have any change for the bus on me. UGH !!! I HATE climbing that hill on foot. Not to mention that the wind was blowing around at 50 or 60 km/h it was fierce. It wasn’t a pleasant trek.
I dropped labs and went to see my friend Ms. Nikki who works at the hospital, and we visited for a little it and I walked home back DOWN that god forsaken hill. I got all sorted out when I got home and was going to take a nap, when hubby said to me “don’t you have class at 6:30 – it’s Thursday … ?
Well my plans for a nap went out the window. I had 90 minutes to try to get a power nap which was pointless because the phone was ringing off the hook, the wind was blowing quite a clip and all the windows on this side of the building were buckling. (Yes up this high the widows shake when the wind blows)
One call was from the clinic. They wanted to know if I had fasted before coming to the lab? Which I had. Because my sugar levels were 4 times what they regularly were. hmmm… Did that march up the mountains do that? Or was it a lab error? So tomorrow I have to go back UP that damned mountain, this time I have a bus ticket, and drop another set of labs.
The doctors are worried that my sugar levels are rising too high. My father is a diabetic and you know what they say about hereditary problems.
I have his ass and my mothers face…
We are at 5:30 p.m. I get set to go to Loyola for class – the class I want to get into (Late) and I take the bus, which leaves downtown at 6 p.m. and we arrive at Loyola at 6:25. I walk onto the campus and go to the class – which I am turned away from because the paperwork had not been completed and I was not notified that (at this time) I had been accepted by the Applied Human Science Department (they are a bunch of hardliners).
At 6:40 I walk back to the bus depot to wait for a bus back to downtown. I just happen to look at the schedule in the depot stop and noticed that the LAST bus back to downtown was at 6:30. I missed the last bus home.
I had a $20.00 bill in my pocket and no bus tickets to take “A bus” home. I started at the cafeteria and then the book store trying to find someone to cash my twenty so that I can get on the bus. I had to leave campus and walk up Sherbrooke to find somewhere to get some cash or a bus ticket. What a nightmare. I found a small depaneur that I bought a drink and saw that he sold single bus tickets I was like “Woo Hoo – You rock man.”
It is closing in on 7 p.m. and I catch a bus from the West End and then to the Metro to Atwater and then home. I get off the train and walk into the mall at Atwater on the way home and I get to the escalator to take me up to street level and I realize that I need bus tickets for tomorrow (god damnit) So I turn around and go back downstairs to the Metro kiosk to buy a ticket for tomorrow and then I walked home from there. It’s about 6 blocks from our house to the Metro station.
Now I am down to 1 class – the Trinity topic class on the books and nothing for second session which I need to find something soon. I will have to look again tonight. The prof of the 232 class told me that I might not get cleared because they denied entry to other students into that class, so I may be screwed after doing all this foot work. FUCK ME !!!
Oh well, you win some and you loose some…
That was my day.
Let’s all pray for Adam. We need a miracle.