Loving the Sacred through Word and Image. Prayer and Meditation. A Wordpress Production

FREEDOM

Friday – Choices

tumblr_lndtyet7pF1qhlja3o1_500We are sitting at 11c at this hour, but I could have sworn it was colder than that.

I had checked the forecast prior to leaving, since I had been out earlier today, and it was markedly cooler outside. One layer was just not enough, so to play it safe tonight, I layered and wore a big comfy hoodie. My toque came in handy. I think next time, I am just going to go with my jacket, it’s warm and one layer …

Trains were in both stations on the way out and back, which made it painless and quick.

Tonight’s fare from A.B.S.I. was about choices:

“Looking back, we see that our freedom to choose badly was not, after all, a very real freedom.

When we choose because we “must,” this was not a free choice, either. But it got us started in the right direction.

When we choose because we “ought to,” we were really doing better. This time we were earning some freedom, making ourselves ready for more.

But when, now and then, we could gladly make right choices without rebellion, hold-out, or conflict, then we had our first view of what perfect freedom under God’s will could be like.”

When I was a boy, I listened to a great many things people said around me, and because of those words, I was faced with a choice that I had to make. There was nobody to talk this choice over with, nor was there another “choice” offered.

I could not be GAY at home, hence I had to leave to find my fortune.

The ONE piece of advice I got, was from a shrink who said the following:

If you want to fit in and become part of, go to the bar, sit on a stool, and have a drink, hell, have two, and see what happens.

That really wasn’t a choice, it was more like a command. Thinking, at my age, that that was my destiny, that that was what I had to do to find my way in, I took that choice. I know now that it was a bad choice, because my alcoholism followed me out of home, to where I went (read: Orlando).

Once again, I did not get any other choices offered. Nobody said Stop, and Nobody thought to ask me if I thought I had a problem.

I HAD a problem from day one.

When I turned twenty five, I hit one tragedy after another. The only way out of the pain was to drink. I did not see any other choice to deal with it. At Twenty six, when I got very sick and doctors told me I was going to die, once again, I made a choice, I tried to drink myself to death.

Another bad choice…

When Todd stepped in He finally said the word STOP. He really did not give me a choice in what was going to happen, but I guess you could say, I could have said “go fuck yourself!”

I didn’t.

He wanted me to live. And to do that, I would have to turn it all over to Him, (read: God) I “must” quit drinking, and I “must” find the will to live. These choices were “MUSTS.” They started me in the right direction.

But that success was short lived, because I got lonely, and based on that loneliness, I made another choice, once again, ill informed and solely based on self will.

I drank again.

When I took my last drink in December 2001, I had made another choice. A choice that I “ought” to make, because it was the right thing to do. I knew it was the end of the road, because to continue would have probably hastened death much quicker.

I wanted a way out of dead end living in misery, and getting sober was only one portion of that decision (read: Choice). The second came when I was offered a way out. I came to Montreal.

Once again, because I “ought to” take this once in a lifetime opportunity.

This time I did it right. I chose to connect with other folks in the program from the outset. I got connected right away. Those right decisions changed my life, in ways I did not imagine.

It has taken all this time, to find God, because that is who I was seeking. He didn’t need finding, He was right here all along. I just needed to reconnect. I’ve worked very hard at that over the years.

I am not ever alone. There are people to talk to. Life is full of things to do, people to see and choices to make. I’ve learned the importance of having the ability to NOT make decisions or choices all by myself any more.

I trust my God. And my days are not always carefree or easy. I must apply myself every day to make sure I do the right things, make the right choices, for the right reasons, at the right time.

Working with others, is a daily practice. And must come from the right place as well.

All I have to do is ask, when I am in need.

And God provides.

More to come, stay tuned …


Freedom, Expression, Discretion

tumblr_m187ytnKBN1r3fvxmo1_500 thedarkblueCourtesy: The Dark Blue

Freedom is a notion that was put forwards when nations began. People moving from one locale to another to find Freedom. Because where they were, was not what people wanted. So they moved to new worlds, new continents, they sometimes took over places that were already full of people, and we all know how that story turned out.

Here in Canada, as in most Democratic countries, freedom is a privilege. I was born in a nation that prided itself on freedom. I was raised and taught about how my father fought for the freedom that we, his family, were privileged to live. But that freedom came with conditions.

Living under my father’s roof, I had to follow prescribed notions, beliefs and family gospel. This freedom, in the end, turned me inside out and I struck out to find my own kind of freedom.

I really did not find it. Because I was sunk in the bottom of a bottle.

Moving on in life, I was saddled by sickness and impending death. And I decided to make some changes that would, in the end, bring about “freedom” as I understood it, at the time.

Those changes brought me here to Canada. Montreal became my oyster. I had an opportunity to learn about a new country, a new city, new values, new codes and mores, I was, for all intents and purposes, free of the past, which I chose to shut the book on.

We come here, as tourists, as immigrants. To get in, you have to follow the rules. I followed the rules. And I earned my place at the Canadian table. I was struck by just how passionate people were to certain ideas and beliefs. I cultivated my life in living here, going to meetings, attending University, and living along side other people, who seemed to want the same freedoms I wanted.

The two topics you never talk about over Thanksgiving dinner are Religion and Politics.

You learn, through books, lectures and world events, where we all came from. The media, daily, pummels us with all kinds of information, we must choose what we take in and what we leave behind.

What’s good for one people may not be good for other people.

What’s good for one religion, may not be good for another religion.

What’s good for one country may not be good for another country.

We all have our rules, dogmas, taboos, mores, cultures and beliefs, practices so forth and so on.

Freedom to one to do, say, write or express ones self, may not be agreeable to another.

Like in Canada, we have a law that states, Hate Speech is not something, we as Canadians, entertain. There are world events that are non-negotiable. They happened, we can prove it, and to speak against such world events is taboo.

I’ve learned over the years, that there are topics that I won’t touch, with a ten foot pole. They are usually topics, that I know little about, educational wise, but I know about them, a bit. And I know just enough to know that I won’t write about them or discuss them in my community.

I paid a pretty penny for my University Education. My education has caused me grief over the years with certain religious groups, who assailed me daily with ridicule and apocalyptic threats to my person and my way of life. But I was steadfast, because I learned more about my field, and had enough education under my belt to stand my ground.

I found that certain people think they know things about a certain topic, and they believe they have the definitive last word, even though they never read anything farther than their bibles. And then they came here to condemn me and preach gospel, that I was well versed on and studied for over a decade. They eventually stopped bothering me, and went away.

THANK GOD !

I am versed on major world religions, to a point. I’ve studied them. And my area of concentration is Western Religions, Christianity, Judaism, Eastern Traditions to a point, and a bit on Islam. The only unit of study I failed in University was Islam. I did not get past the final paper. I had to attend remediation for weeks after that fiasco.

But during each unit of study I participated in each religious practice.

I went to Shul during my Judaism section. I attended Friday Prayers during my Islam studies. I was going to church regularly on Sunday’s,  so forth and so on. I did not just read a book or two and listen to lectures. I actually participated in religious practice.

The world sees religion through various lenses. For every human being on the earth, there is a version of their respective religious tradition.

We have our Holy Books. We have our traditions, our beliefs and our ways.

Living where I live, the leaders of our city, and for that matter our country, respect all religions and traditions.

TO A POINT.

If your religion tells you to go to a public place with an automatic weapon and kill people,
You need to find a new religion.

I cannot talk about the Middle East, but to a point. I don’t live there, I know basic history. Certain sections of the world have been embroiled in turmoil for centuries. And It would not be very wise for me to even think about entertaining discussion about those topics.

We have seen how certain countries in the world view certain religious topics. And how they take the notion of freedom, maybe, well maybe more, a bit too far.

We celebrate the freedom to speak, and the freedom of the press, and the freedom to think whatever we want to think, believe and to a point act on.

The world knows, and has known for centuries how certain religious people read, believe in and respect their Holy Books. The world is well versed in taboo, respect of tradition, and how that all boils down.

Then there are those who’s only goal is to push their holy books down our throats and kill us because of them. Not everybody around the world respects the other very well, or not at all. Somebody please show me the hadith that says that killing is a Godly action?

In the Hebrew Bible it is written that you shall make no graven images of G-d.

Christians across the world know what God looks like, what Jesus looks like, and the Cross of Christ Crucified is a tangible sign of our belief. Some wear the cross on their sleeves like martyrs.

Every Religion has their laws, proscriptions and taboos.

  • I am 100% against the killing of innocents, ANY innocents
  • I do not subscribe to the thought that I am an infidel
  • There is no religion that states that killing is a Godly action
  • To believe that the Prophet, peace be upon His Holy name, asks Muslims to kill, is a crime against humanity
  • If your religion asks you to go to a public place with automatic weapons and kill people, you need to find a new religion

I don’t understand why countries allow freedoms to cross that invisible line of decorum and discretion. I don’t understand why people write words or paint pictures or speak words, that they well know, will incite anger. Incite REAL ANGER.

Freedom is not really true, because we believe certain things, and we do or do not do certain things, because they are either wrong or incendiary. In media there are censors, on tv there are censors, and even in print media there are censors. But as we have seen, people continue to break social norms and crank out incendiary media which goes out even faster today thanks to social media.

I agree that we must be free to be able to express ourselves as we please, within the confines of proper speech and discretion.

Discretion is the better part of Valor, they say …

The world is sunk in a war that will not end if we all agree and we stop fighting and we all get along.

We all don’t agree. We all won’t stop fighting. And We all won’t get along.

Militant fighters are hell bent on creating havoc, to kill the infidel and to eradicate populations of people off the face of the earth all in the name of The Prophet, peace be upon his holy name.

Religious factions are split down irrevocable lines.

What does one do, when there are entire warring factions of fighters out there, who’s only goal in life is to Kill Us, and attain martyrdom and inherit seventy two virgins when they die? The battle over who lives and who dies is a terrible problem. And we are no nearer a solution today than we were decades ago.

Innocent people have died around the world because of this taint on religion. Hundreds of thousands of people over generations have been wiped off the face of the earth because of hatred and jihad.

There is no salvation in the killing of innocents.

But what do you say about those people who knowingly cross those invisible lines of freedom, expression and discretion? They knew what they were doing was incendiary, and they pushed the buttons anyway. Were they just expressing their freedom or were they knowingly fanning the fires of hatred and jihad, and today twelve people are dead because of such actions?

I 100% do not agree with crossing incendiary lines. If you want peace with those who want to kill you, for God’s sake, stop the presses, and curb your speech. Stop pushing religious buttons, just because you think you can, and get away with it, without repercussions.

God does not condone killing in any fashion for any reason.

Only God should be able to take a life.

But I will state again, if you kill an innocent. a child, a human being, for the sake of your God, we will hunt you down, and we will kill you. I have said this once before, the day militants killed innocent children in Pakistan, and I will say it again.

This Holy War will not end with the eradication of the infidel from the earth. You will never achieve nirvana or salvation in this war of Gods and beliefs. There is no salvation in killing innocents.

As long as the world has to live with the constant fear of someone walking into an office, or a school, or a sky scraper, or a Parliament building with the intent to kill us, we will defend ourselves.

If you kill a child or an innocent, then I state my belief that the bible says an Eye for an Eye and and Tooth for a Tooth. Killing innocents is a crime against humanity.

We know what the extermination of human beings looks like. And we are seeing it again in modern times.

This must stop.

But how ???


Hot Flash … “Desire” versus “Thought” … And Things Like That

tumblr_lh6xeiqS8U1qz72e6o1_500 poyi.orgCourtesy: Poyi.Org

Last week ended with the final discussions in the second interview for a new job for hubby. And over the weekend, we hoped that everything would work out. To that end, I’ve been reticent in getting over “elated” or “counting my chickens before they are hatched.”

We got word early this week that hubby did get that job. It pays very well. And it looks as if we will finally dig ourselves out of the hole we have been in for so long. We have been playing with virtual money as of late. There are things that we would like to do, on top of paying bills and taking care of household responsibilities.

Monday night “Max, my computer” went to bed as usual. I shut him off as I usually do and went to bed. Tuesday morning when I got up, I turned Max on, and he had a Hot Flash and died.

Computers have a mind of their own, and tend to crap out at the worst time, Thankfully there was money in the bank for just an emergency. Hubby bundled Max off to Micro-Bytes and they figured out that Max had a Hot Flash, who knew computers had hot flashes …

For as long as I remember, Max ran hot and loud. You could hear him whine in the hallway outside the apartment. Max’s heat synch needed to be replaced, and a new fan for the motherboard was added. After a good cleaning out he fired right up. We got him back on Wednesday morning. He runs almost silently.

It is good we have a laptop and that I have a second user account there, which has all my bookmarks and sites in the memory, so transiting between two machines was painless.

The weather has been nice the past few days. We got spits of rain here and there and not for very long. And the weekend is looking up.

Tuesday night we sat a small group, and my sponsor was in the chair and he opted for the default topic for any meeting, meaning … If you can’t think of a topic, the auto default is always gratitude. UGH !!! Gratitude again ??? Some of my friends do gratitude lists and write every day, I just can’t be bothered with a gratitude list. Tells you where I am for the most part.

Tonight I was ready to go early and I could not sit still, so I took off early and did some shopping on the way out. I needed a new Opus Card for the metro since my old card is expired. I’ve been using hubby’s card for months now, and he needs his card for work now so I needed a new card. And they would not sell me “just the card,” I had to charge it with something additionally.

I shop for several groups, Sunday Niters, Thursday Men’s, and Tuesday Vendome. Coffee, stirrers, sugar, tea … All those kind of things. It costs some good money to feed and fill the coffee and tea hordes of people every week. And I’ve been borrowing from each other when one runs short. Now I have to refill the coffers.

We sat a good number tonight. New faces and New members which is great. The chair, for the second week in the chair read from Living Sober, “Avoiding Over elation.”

There are happy times and then there are unhappy times, and alcoholics usually never needed a reason to drink, we just drank … And the reading continues …

“The thought of a drink is not necessarily that same thing as the desire for one, and neither need plunge us into gloom or fear.”

It is rare to find someone who “got it” on the first pass. And there are many who have made several attempts at “getting it.” And finally, there are those of us, who after periods of sobriety, went back out and had to come back in.

We drank because the alcohol worked for us for a time, then it failed. We drank because it was what we did, not for any reason but to enhance a good mood or bring a bad one up to par. And we heard tonight that “it is the first one that changes everything.” It isn’t the second, or fifth, or the tenth, but the First One.

I along with many of my peers stated matter of factly, that we may have another drink in us, but not many of us may have another recovery in us. Like a cat’s nine lives, many of us have used up all of our chits …

When I got sober the very first time, twenty years ago this month, had I stuck and stayed I would have celebrated twenty years of sobriety this August. At the time I was working in a bar. And I have said before, that job was the best job I ever had in my life. When I put down the drink, I did not pick up again. I had far worse things pressing in on me and a drink would not have solved those problems. I don’t ever remember, maybe one night, that I desired a drink. My sponsor came in handy that night.

When I chose to make that move in sobriety, with no back up, I found myself with another person handing me a joint and a beer, which I smoked and then I drank. It wasn’t like I was desiring either of them, I never thought about it really. They appeared and I was defenseless.

I pick up and I was off and running until oblivion …

In the end, I drank because I thought I needed to. It was delusional drinking. What I desired was inclusion. And the alcohol was going to get me there, until it failed me ultimately. That last year, I had imposed stretches of sobriety, when I did not desire a drink, nor did I really think about it. And that’s why it took another year to get back here.

I put the drink down and I walked away from it. I never set foot in another club after that.

Wow … That was weird … The power went out and everything went dead. And I just figured out where this post went to try and recover it and not have to start all over again…

Thank you Word Press … You saved it again …

The second time I got sober, when I got here, I not only quit drinking, but I quit smoking as well. And both are formidable attempts. On St. Jean Baptiste Day, June 24th, 2002, I was at the Old Port and there were hordes of people double fisting beer and alcohol.

In that moment I really wanted a drink and I wanted a cigarette. I was craving both.

At the wrong place at the wrong time, I needed to get my ass out of there.

My sponsor had told me that if it came down to a choice between a smoke and a drink, that the better choice was a smoke. I did not drink.

I never Craved a drink again.

But “Thinking about a drink” is something that happens, to everyone. Maybe not so often, but it does happen. I know what to do when that happens. I stay out of sticky places.

They say that when you get sober, everything changes. Things start to get good. And that is the time we need to be wary. Left to our own devices, a drink in a good moment might sound good but in the end, won’t taste every well, if you blow sober time on a fancied drink.

I stay connected. I do service. And I take it one day at a time.

Live – Easy – But – Think – First …

Desire is not the same thing as thought …

More to come, stay tuned … 


Thursday … Stay “Here.”

SONY DSC

Courtesy:Mattnstuff

It is a little chilly outside. But warm enough for shirtsleeves. The weather is bobbing between rain and sun for the next few days. Today was a beautiful day. And days are usually quiet and serene.

My guys are traveling out of town tonight and tomorrow. It will be a weekend of checking in from far flung places. But they are good to go. This evening I called my sponsor and he is very interested in how I keep things so calm and serene. This is the ongoing conversation that we have been having. It took a long time to get here.

And it goes with the reading for tonight from “Came to Believe,” Getting Ahead …

“… I did not know then that if you want to get ahead with any degree of peace, you must first learn to Stay Here. It takes guts to stay here; it takes self-discipline and resolution. Anyone with sufficient energy and a one track mind can get ahead; witness the robber barons, the dictators, the demagogues.

But to Stay Here, you must know where you are before you can know where you are going. You must seek before you can find, and you must ask before you really learn to seek. It take humility to ask, patience to wait for the answer, and faith that the answer will come. These, it strikes me, are hardly bulldozer “Virtues.”

We have newbies in the room, and I picked up my Big Book earlier in the week as I was pondering what we would read, and we have rehashed so much Book, that I was bored with it already. So I went with the Red Book instead.

The first time you get sober is a gift, the second and subsequent times, you have to work for it. And that adage has proven true for some of us, who got second and third kicks at the can.

The first lesson that came after a few months of settling in was to “Stay in my day” and to work with the 24 hours afforded me on a daily basis. To keep my mind from returning over and over to the past, and also to keep my head out of worrying about the future or Tomorrow…

This is not an easy task at first.

Because we are hard wired by our feelings, and in the beginning I was saddled with thoughts and feelings that were about yesterday and tomorrow. And they kept telling me to keep coming back and to stay in my day. I mean really, I can go one of two ways … Depression that keeps me in the past or Anxiety that wires me to the future.

Why can’t I stay in the day?

It took a good eighteen months to learn this lesson, one day at a time. I am no longer ruled or saddled by the past, and I am not anxious about the future. Once I learned how to be good with the day I don’t have to worry (as much). It isn’t realistic to think that I don’t worry about tomorrow. I do. It just doesn’t consume me or occupy my mind for long periods during the day.

Things are good. I have been on a good run for a long time. I do what I have to do on a daily basis. My days have routine. (again, that was learned). I hit my meetings, talk to my sponsor and my sponsees on a daily basis. I keep it simple (stupid). And that tends to work. Much to my sponsors dismay.

He is fascinated with my ability to stay calm, because what alcoholic do you know, that can remain calm amid a disease of the mind? This is a work in progress. Daily work and progress.

Getting honest. Humility to ask for help. Patience to wait for an answer.

The practice (daily practice) of prayer … Saying the words, Meditation … waiting for an answer, is something we learn to do. Most people balk at this stage saying that they don’t have time to pray or to sit and wait for an answer.

Well, God speaks in many ways. Cultivating an ear to hear is the key.

We might pray in the morning and meditate for a few minutes, then we go on with our days. Meanwhile, we spend our days waiting for that answer. And you never know, when you sit in a meeting that the answer might come, from someone, not necessarily from God himself, and if you aren’t paying attention, you might miss the communication.

It is good to have a routine. To have things to do every day. To keep us busy.

Because left to our own devices, helter skelter is the norm.

We want to Get Ahead. And there is a way to do that.

Stick around until the miracle happens.

A good night was had by all.

More to come, stay tuned …


Thursday … Acceptance

tumblr_lnix8pMBnR1qayoqvo1_500 pagesofpleasure

Courtesy:Pagesofpleasure

It was a clear and sunny day today, albeit, a little chilly. I opted for my coat instead of a simple hoodie. It was also a busy day today. I am investing heavily in the lives of my guys this week, with tickets to the roundup and one of my guys is just days away from his second anniversary.

Two is a Big deal, and comes with a special silver oval chip. The new “two” ovals are a bit more flashy than the one I have. Mine is now gold dipped. The hope is this, that once you get your two, you hold onto it, and hopefully you get to your ten year mark, when at that time, we get it dipped in gold to mark the double digit.

Since he is celebrating at several meetings, I have a second bronze chip which was much cheaper than the first one. And his chip at the M.A. fellowship. That makes three.

It was a quick ride out to the East end on the Metro and back. Traffic was light because I was traveling mid-afternoon. I got back in time to get in a power nap before the nights events began.

Holy week celebrations are in full swing. While I was setting up, the annual Maundy Thursday mass was going on in the church above.

We sat a small group, some of our guys were at church, and we hosted a few guests, which was good. I chose a reading from the Big Book, Pages 416-417.

Acceptance was the Answer …

This is a loaded reading, there is a lot to chew in the reading like, “Acceptance is the key to ALL my problems. And Nothing, Absolutely Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.”

We learn about powerlessness, and that the only thing that we can change is ourselves.

“When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, Absolutely Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.”

It goes on to tell us that we must accept life on life’s terms.

All these ideas – even to some old timers – are bitter pills to swallow. We are still talking about accepting that nothing is a mistake and happened for a reason…

Our guys are in it deep. and all we can do is listen and offer words of encouragement and support. Hopefully they will keep coming back.

We locked up and walked home together, and another of my guys and I took a table at a local coffee shop to go over his step work. We are working from both the M.A. workbook and the A.A. questions my sponsor supplies.

It was a great discussion. Very fruitful. I am proud of my guy tonight.

I am proud of both of them. Good things are happening in their lives. And getting good things clean and sober are added gifts.

It was a great night.

Everybody is sober another night.

More to come, stay tuned …


Is there life after the drink? wait for it …

tumblr_mpzr99vIQ01r8z1gdo1_500 rockthesox

Courtesy: Rockthesox

They say it is gonna rain. However I made my trip out and back without issue. But it was rather humid and a little sweaty … We are under a severe thunderstorm watch this evening.

It was a regular Tuesday night, all my friends were accounted for at the meeting, and the chair was out of town, a friend stepped up to chair, and he handed me the Big Book and asked me to find a topic for the evening.

Since we are reading from the book at another meeting, and over the last month, the same topics have been given to discuss, I was tiring of hearing the same lines over and over, (although some would say that we need that repetition to get it in our heads), I chose to go with something hopeful and encouraging.

“We have shown how to get out from under. You say, “Yes, I’m willing. But am I to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring and glum, like some righteous people I see? I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I? Have you a sufficient substitute?”

Yes, There is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in A.A. There you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you.

“How is that to come about?” you ask. “Where am I to find these people?”

You are going to meet these new friends in your own community. Near you, alcoholics are dying helplessly like people in a sinking ship. If you live in a large place, there are hundreds. High and low, rich and poor, these are the future fellows a A.A.

Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey.

Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of:

“Love thy neighbor as thyself.”

*** *** *** ***

This was an interesting topic. Because it elicited a good amount of silence around the table. It is difficult for our newcomers to be given such hope so early. They are still getting used to coming, and learning and doing and learning how to “BE.” To become a human being instead of a human doing.

We’ve discussed over and over ad nauseum the problem, the solution, the problem and the solution. I thought it would be good to hear a major promise …

“The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead…”

That is a major promise. And we get it inside the first 164 pages of the book, in the lead up to the Vision for You statement.

We read previous to this passage on pages 152-153 that “he cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping off place. He will wish for the end…

Going from the insanity of the drink and life being in the tank, to the hope of finding out about the problem and finding the solution, and then learning that the best years are to come is massive in the life of the hopeless and downtrodden.

We are learning how to live within the book, because within those pages is hope and identity. Over the past few weeks the roller coaster has been running at full speed and I have been challenged like no other time in my relationship. Enough that I almost ended it. Save for wisdom from meetings and friends.

I have to hang on to the hope that the most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. I have to stay out of my head and keep the hamster off the wheel, because if I engage in insane thinking, insanity ensues, I will go crazy.

This is what happens when you try to get sober for two instead of one. UGH !!!

It was a good day. We are all hopeful.

More to come, stay tuned …


I'm not sorry …

Whilst hubby was out at the movies, I filed a resume on Monster.com. I spoke to a number of my friends in Toronto about jobs. I found a website that does head hunting, a job sorting site by location and city. I also cleaned up the blog and removed unnecessary academic information.

Tomorrow the sun will rise and it will be grand.

I did not drink today. In fact, I don’t even think I thought about it. I was going to hit a meeting, but I was too busy sitting here forecasting my future.


I’m not sorry …

Whilst hubby was out at the movies, I filed a resume on Monster.com. I spoke to a number of my friends in Toronto about jobs. I found a website that does head hunting, a job sorting site by location and city. I also cleaned up the blog and removed unnecessary academic information.

Tomorrow the sun will rise and it will be grand.

I did not drink today. In fact, I don’t even think I thought about it. I was going to hit a meeting, but I was too busy sitting here forecasting my future.