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Thoughts on Thursday …

Courtesy: Stalker

The radar says “A storm is a coming …” And if it does, it may be the first storm of the year for us. But because of where Montreal sits on the map, weather is a capricious lady.

I’ve been hemming and hawing about writing something today, because I usually wait for Friday to work in a meeting and what’s going on. I confirmed with grasshopper his attendance tomorrow night and he wryly said that “he wouldn’t miss it for the world, the chance to watch sparks fly!”

It was an off day today. Hitting meetings over several days takes a toll on you, where today I was like, “can I just turn recovery off for a day, maybe?” Always being on point get tiring at times. Always having to have the brain on “safe mode” is a pain in the ass. But I can’t turn it off, no matter how hard I try.

I was up early today farting around. And so I called grasshopper to see what he was doing tonight, and he was pooped out, or as he called it “meeting’d out!”

So I hemmed and hawed, and finally around 5 o’clock, I decided that a disco nap would be nice. Hubby joined me and it was all nice and quiet. For a little while. Then I was lying there and the hum of a helicopter was approaching and then you could feel it really close by, the noise it was making and how noisy it was, like right outside the windows. So I got dressed and went out on the balcony and there over head was a helicopter holding steady. I guess the riots on the streets were getting out of hand.

I was like, “really!! Really!!” A nap was quickly fizzling out.

My brain has been working overtime. Thoughts coming one after another. As fast as they flit in, they flit out. And with each pass, the thought carried with it it corresponding feeling or emotion. That’s when I like to spray Teflon on my brain so that none of the corresponding emotions stick in my brain for any length of time.

The one thing I need to say here is that I am hiv+ and with that comes the curse of being able to read people at 50 paces. And trusting that I know what I know, and listening to my heart – sometimes we have to say things that hurt people for their own good. I learned very well how to write – I paid a princely sum for a university education so my abilities to “Compare and Contrast” are very good.

I write for me and my readers. And with ten years of sobriety I know a few things about life, myself and the program. 18 years being Poz has served me very well. If I don’t like you, I sure as shit aren’t going to waste my time on you.

It is not a sin to write about life and people. That is who I am. Take it or leave it. Sometimes we need to hear words that we don’t like. And sometimes it takes a queer to speak those words…

I am where I am. And that will have to do. I wrote a few notes to friends around the world and dropped a few comments here and there. Trying to offer counsel and offering a kind word here and there.

You don’t get a day off from sobriety. There is always something to do, learning how to manage the thoughts as they come in, learning where to put them as they pass by. Knowing which ones to keep and which ones to discard.

I don’t know if I’ve drained my brain well enough here …

We shall see what happens over the next 24 hours. Holy told me not to make any decisions and stick to a years commitment to what I am doing. After that change is fair game. So that’s that.

Dinner time. Time to boogie …

Into Action …

Courtesy: Destroyingsenses

It’s Tuesday Again… It came so quickly. It seems Christmas came and went so quickly. So here we are again …

It is (2c) out. They are calling for snow. But it is just miserable out. Rain is falling over the city. Hopefully that rain will turn to snow, but the temp needs to drop a little more for that to happen. Overall, the snow fall should be 10 to 15 cm through tomorrow. We shall see about that …

It was a beautiful start of the day, what little sun there was, I noticed peaked from behind banks of clouds and then it set without any negligible showing. I got out of the house early, and got set up done with plenty of time for our early birders to show up. But none did. We were missing a whole group of members from the meeting, and quite a number were missing from the business meeting, which puts all our business on hold until we can find a nominal number of people to take care of what needs to be done before the beginning of January.

Our anniversary passed this past week. 55 years. And we missed the December deadline to get it in the blue sheets, which means we can’t hold it in January, but more towards February. We need to settle on a date and get that in before the 15th of January. People are still on holidays and Dave is out with the new baby.

We had low numbers tonight. It seems we are competing for bodies with Oasis, which meets on the other side of town. All those people who came last week were a fluke because Oasis was closed. We have been trying to get one of our rehabs to come to our meeting, one of our members has been lobbying them hard to get them to come. It doesn’t seem to be working.

We read from the Big Book. Chapter 6 Into Action. Working through Steps 4 through 8. Which is a big block of work to read through, Not everyone is at the same point in recovery. Some are at this point in the book, and most were not. Many have crossed this threshold and many others have not.

Some of us have worked through 4 and 5. And are working on 6 – 7 and 8. Making those lists and checking them twice. Trying to find out who’s naughty and nice. Before we set to the work of Step 9 and making amends.

Since I am in the chair for the next two weeks, I suppose we will finish up reading this chapter. I have to be ready to work some steps with my sponsees who are at this point now. Trying to get through step 5 is tedious. But once you cross that threshold, it is worth it to make those lists and get ready for God to do some interior work on us. As long as we don’t tarry and we remain honest and open for spiritual experience.

I got rid of my 4th step earlier in the week last week and talked through my 5 with my spiritual adviser. And I shared with you earlier what he suggested of me. And tonight I shared that information with my sponsor. And his reply was as I expected… Better wait on your higher power to see what he has in mind for you. Which means better enter into some prayer and discernment. Not something to be taken lightly, because I need to talk to certain people before I can even consider what I have been asked to do. I need to add that fifth and final pillar to my spiritual journey first. And that will take some time.

Other than that, all is well. I am on vacation until the 18th of January. I am working on reading “Inheritance” by Christopher Paolini. It is a tedious read with an 850 page book, I carry it places with me so that I can read here and there. What was good is that the book opens with a recap of the first three books in summary form and he hits all the most necessary points so that you can then begin to read this next book, having some reminders of what took place in books 1,2 and 3.

This has been a typical Tuesday. Not very exciting I know. But the New Year is just a few days away. And we’ll see just how good it will be.

Stick around. More to come, I am sure.