Loving the Sacred through Word and Image. The Ferryland – New Foundland Iceberg Easter 2017. A Word Press Production.

Music

Sunday Sundries … The Last Step, Music, and Everything Else

bs bees 2The B’s Bees … Live Concert Friday Night

Watching your friends grow up and become who they are meant to be, and having played a part in that upbringing, makes me a little proud. It takes a village, and on Friday night, the village showed up to celebrate one of our own, in his Album Release Party.

The little club called “Upstairs” not far from home, was a great experience. It probably seats no more than maybe a seventy five people at once, with the tables and bar area filled to capacity. We dined on good food, we had great conversation among friends, and we marveled in the brilliance that is the group of musicians who played new music for us.

My friends are not only smart, they are brilliant in their own ways. I am really proud to call them my friends. A good time was had by all.

This weekend marked another first for us. I haven’t been to a live concert since before moving to Montreal. On Saturday we scored tickets to Madonna’s next concert, “Rebel Heart,” which plays in September. Madonna is one of those artists that every gay man must see in their lifetime. Cher, Bette Midler, Barbra, and a few others are required attendance. I got to see Bette back in the late 90’s.

So that is a thing …

We are really enjoying our new HD experience. Our tv habits have changed slightly, seeing we have channels we did not have before the switch. But we need to amend our package to enable more channels that are closed at this time.

Mother Nature is not finished with the snow as of late. We got a brief taste of Spring last week with positive temps, over the weekend, temps dropped, and that’s not the only thing that dropped, we got about five inches of snow last night. Temps are going to dance above and below freezing this week. UGH … when will it finally end ???

I departed as usual, and had to stop for milk on the way out. Our groupies showed up for read and discussion prior to the meeting. We were missing a number of folks on the night. Some of my friends came out to the meeting, and I took notice of them when they showed up, because I had not seen some of them in some time. Once again, the adage proved true, that if people stop showing up, it is a foregone conclusion that they might drink again …

Tonight, that was definitely true.

It doesn’t take much. One momentary lapse, one moment of indecision, and a drink is close at hand, and that little voice says to us …”Aw, you’ve got this drinking thing licked … You don’t need those meetings any more …” How about another one for good measure ?

The whole idea of the Twelfth Step, from one of my friends, is to become a better person.

I was in the chair tonight, as our gal who usually fills that position was out, and I was elected chair for the evening. One must be graceful under pressure, as friends get up and take chips again, after a long period of sobriety.

We are finishing up the steps this week and next. Step Twelve is a twenty page read, so we did half tonight, and the rest next week. We did not quite get around the room.

When I think of Step Twelve, the first thought that came to mind as I was reading this portion of the read was the line from A Vision for You, that

“Obviously, you cannot transmit something you haven’t got !”

There was a good reason that for a long time, I went to meetings, and did service. But that’s all I was doing at that time. I needed someone to tell me what I needed to do to get into the game in a new way. I had to return to the basics. Read the Book, Say my Prayers, and Work Hard at the game of sobriety. Well it isn’t a game, it is a solution for living.

I did all those things that I was told to do, God took care of the rest.

I finally had ears to hear and eyes to see and words to share. That didn’t come over night. Working with others, in twelve step fashion, did not come overnight either. I needed a message within me in order to share the message with another human being.

It is one thing to hit a meeting and share inside of a discussion. This, yes, is also a form of twelve step work. This work is on a different scale than working one on one with one person at a time.

When God saw fit that I was ready to give it away, my guys began to show up in my life, in one way or another. For the first time I was confident in my words, and in what I knew, but that was just a start. Over the last year, I have worked on my words, and the way I relate to my guys.

Working with others is a twenty four hour a day job. When ever Where ever for however long.

When the phone rings, I answer it.

This Winter has again proved it’s not the BIG things that take us out, it is those LITTLE things that sneak up on us from underneath. This is called the broken shoelace syndrome.

It’s not the bitching partner, but the broken shoelace that takes us out …

The words … Constant Vigilance are so important.

I do what ever I can. But sometimes, even that isn’t enough.

So it falls to the words I use and how I use them that will either help or hinder.

I have to know how much of me to put forwards, and how little as well. I feel like, to explain it better, I must find that “tremulous balance of just enough and not too much.”

That perfect amount is not always possible. Which is why I must practice daily.

The more I work, and the better my practice, the easier the balance comes.

It isn’t all about me, and never usually is. I must decrease so that He may increase.

I’m a little grateful, a little proud. A little sad, but a bit relieved.

All of our folks are sober tonight. And that is a start for the week.

More to come, stay tuned …


Sunday Sundries … Multiples of Two … Almost there … Nick Jonas

tumblr_n4ex5qDRnl1rq9jdfo1_500 stA theme will emerge, I promise …

It is a bit chilly at this hour. (-12c/-17c w.c.) And we are under a special weather advisory as well. We haven’t had our first BIG SNOW just yet, it looks like that may happen this week. Tuesday they say will be the day, and just what I need, a massive snow storm on a meeting night, with certain streets already blocked by construction, that only makes things worse, because we have to walk from the station down the hill to the church on Tuesday !!! F.M.L. !!!

We are only Two days out from my anniversary.

This week’s theme is multiples of Two.

I left home uber early so I could spend time with one of my guys, before the meeting. So we cranked it out and got down to business. It was very productive. We sat a fair group, lots of new faces, and a new lady in the chair, so that was a good thing.

We read from the Twelve and Twelve, and Step Two.

The reading is very “meaty.” My book, being as old as it is, has multiple colors and underlining and high lighting in it. In that reading we talk about faith, and practice, and “coming to…”

It was very likely that someone in the room was going to mention the word God.

Following all the words I have spoken about said subject, many of our young folks are satisfied with the “mystery” that is God, the “not having to KNOW it fully” and the fact that as it played out, the same truth came from many mouths … “I came to the room, and it was in the room, with all of you people in it, that I came to know and understand.”

Nobody really knows Who or What God is. Even the brightest religious and theological minds can really give us one specific answer to that question.

There are several paradoxes in several books, when talking about God and Higher Power.

In the Twelve and Twelve and Step Two it reads: A.A. doesn’t demand you believe in anything.

In A.B.S.I. one passage reads: You can believe in anything you want, as long as it works, BUT it always comes back round to God.

The Big Book reads: The term “spiritual experience” and “spiritual awakening” are used many times in this book which, upon careful reading shows that the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism has manifested itself among us in many different forms…

… Though it was not our intention to create such an impression, many alcoholics have nevertheless concluded that in order to recover they must acquire an immediate and overwhelming “God consciousness” followed at once by a vast change in feeling and outlook.

For many of us, myself included, God, or Faith, or Belief, has evolved over the years. We’ve discussed in great detail, the word God, how to read it, what to do with it, and how to work around it, because I’ve also said, when it comes to God, there is more than one way to skin a cat.

The one piece of advice I share willingly is this … In order to see things as I see them or how others see things, takes a long time. This is a long term prospect. The suggestion, and it is merely a suggestion, is that you stay in your day and live in your 24 hours, and don’t worry about the future, or more to the point, don’t forecast too far into the future.

Meaning: You gotta stick around until the miracle happens.

I have said that I had to learn lessons, I learned once before, over again. They came in another order, because the circumstances I came back in were different that the first time around.

I did whatever they told me to do. And tonight I was sitting in the room I got sober in, (read: the room I have spent the most number of hours in over the last 13 years) with a new sponsee, and I shared with him this piece of advice.

When we come to a room, it is all about ME. Over time, All about ME, changes to All about US.

We begin to exercise the paradoxes. And over time, we come, we come to, and then we come to believe. For some this is a tall order, which is why the Twelve and Twelve says what it says.

As soon as I stopped arguing and judging, and dropped the intellectualism and the emotionalism, then I had a chance.

For many of us, every day is a choice. We do good, we pray, we help others, we help ourselves, and no two days running are the same. We are apt to make mistakes and do things wrong. But there is the lesson for us … it isn’t supposed to always be easy… If God gave us everything we wanted on a silver platter, then where would the challenge be?

If we didn’t have to work for our lives, then what’s the purpose of living?

Prayer is a Up Down Process …

Conscious Contact with God as we understand Him is an Up Down Process…

Expanding that thought as I have done recently, “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact ( with:God/read:others) praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out…

Working life out turns from all about Me to All about Us.

Coming to a meeting, leads to coming to believe on our part.

And I don’t know what God’s voices sounds like, and If I am going to hear it, it is going to come from someone familiar, someone I know. But if I am not paying attention clearly and wrapped up in the committee in my head, I may miss God speaking to me.

You never know … I tell my guys that when they pray, pray humbly and honestly. That takes time and effort and practice. I then add that it is difficult to remain connected to God all day long, with the business of life going on around us, and I was sure that someone somewhere would bring an answer to certain prayers, if we were paying attention. Hence … Going to a meeting, is also a chance opportunity to hear from God.

Because like I said, you never know where the next good word is going to come from.

When I talk about God, and hearing God and Seeing God move, it is always associated with the hall at St. Leon’s Church. He likes that room, because over the last thirteen years, He has been very good to our people. I may have a university, (read:book) education and also have a family faith background, I knew God existed. But having spent so many years going to meetings, I was given eyes to see Him.

When I was in Seminary, many years ago, I had plenty of time to pray and to find God. And I did that. Sad that human beings, who thought they knew better, thought that my conscious contact with the God of my understanding was not good enough for them !

I kind of wonder what God thought of that judgment?

Water under the bridge they say …

I don’t argue with people over God. Once you come in, STAY. And I promise you, very truly, if you stay and you take suggestions, and you do the work, you WILL come to believe, just like every other human being in the room. Those four words give you plenty of latitude…

As We Understood Him

**** **** ****

Unless you have been living under a rock, there has been plenty of words written about Mr. Nick Jonas. One of the trio of the Jonas Brother’s Fame. Nick has produced his first self titled album, Nick Jonas. I wasn’t a Jonas Brother follower. Not being a teenage girl …

But Nick has been all over Tumblr as of late. He has quite the boy following.

The album, I think, is a lot rhythm and Bluesy. It has a specific rhyme and reason. If I download an album, I first listen to it on the computer, then if I like it, it goes to my phone, which gets an additional listen through, at that point, it either stays or goes.

Nick is a keeper.

It is well worth the price. He’s got a unique sound.

That is all for tonight. Next Stop … 13 years … Cake and Frivolity !!!

The next multiple of two comes on Tuesday, with Step 12 …

Having Had A spiritual awakening …

Stay tuned, more to come, definitely…


Monday December 1st … W.A.D. – Blessings and Music

sister-cristina

Sister Cristina Scuccia – suor Cristina is an Italian Ursuline nun who won the 2014 season of The Voice Italy. I happened across Sister Cristina on You Tube. Since we don’t get international television here, one has to resort to online platforms to enjoy something a little different.

So, I had written down the release date of her album and today I went looking for it on several sites and finally found it on I Tunes. I think everybody has an I Tunes account by now.

And I had some I Tunes money in the bank … win …

Track List:

  1. Try – Pink cover
  2. Fallin Free
  3. Like a Virgin – Madonna cover
  4. Somewhere only we know – Keane cover
  5. Blessed be your name
  6. Fix you – Cold Play cover
  7. No One – Alicia Keys cover
  8. I surrender – Hillsong Live
  9. True Colors – Cindi Lauper cover
  10. Price Tag – Jessie J cover
  11. Perto, Longe Ou Depois
  12. L’Amore Vincera

You probably have never heard of Sister Cristina. But it is worth the price. Her spin on this track list is impressive. You can see her videos on You Tube and Like a Virgin on Vimeo.

**** **** ****

world-aids-dayToday we mark World AIDS Day again… twenty one years later, sadly, there still is no cure, and people are still contracting HIV in high numbers all over North America and even worse in Africa.

We don’t usually think of AIDS like we used to.

People are not dying in numbers that are alarming. Here at least.

But that is a different story a world away!

But, as they say, N.I.M.B.Y.

Meanwhile in Africa, disease is a daily struggle. So many people. So much sickness. And the world, as a whole has done little to stop it. AIDS is not the disease du jour any longer. Ebola is at the top of that little list of killers.

But we should not ignore or dismiss the suffering of an entire nation because they are over there and we are over here. I would not be the first to say, that if the world spent as much money on sickness and cures for diseases that they do on national and international defense and war, we probably could make a dent on the list of the dying world wide from sickness.

The world does spend a pretty penny on illness and sickness, in the form of medications. The pharmaceutical industry makes money hand over fist. They would rather you be forced to take their pills for ever, making them hundreds of billions of dollars a year, rather than contribute to curing the sickness that we have to take the pills for …

Isn’t it pure insanity ???

A long time ago, I heard a doctor say that the world would never cure AIDS until it found a cure for cancer. Twenty one years later, I am still taking pills to maintain my quality of life, cancer is still far from being cured across the board, and the pharmaceutical companies are making millions on our backs.

Today my HIV doctor is not worried about me dying from AIDS. He doesn’t worry so much that he cut my doctor visits from four a year to two a year. Pills, Pills, and more pills. He is more concerned with my aging problems, like my diabetes, and my heart, since I have a heredity bulls eye on my back.

But I am alive today because of Big Pharma. So I guess that that is a blessing, right?


Sunday Sundries … Hey Day !!!

coverThe weather has been stellar, very warm and sunny. The Farmers Almanac was published yesterday for the Fall predictions. Environment Canada also published their Fall predictions as well. Both surveys tell us that we should have our Indian Summer continue through October. However November calls for wet and cold weather, and into December, the Polar Vortex should return, hopefully not as bad as it did last Winter. All these predictions rely on an El Nino in the Pacific Ocean.

It was a quiet weekend. Everybody is doing well. The numbers are returning. We are sitting good numbers across the city. Tonight was no different. We sat a fair group. We read through the circle and back to the start, and everybody got in on the discussion.

Building a New Life …

We are still in the Low Bottom stories, and the insanity factor is very high. None of our folks had sunk to the levels our writer did tonight. The one thought that repeated itself over the shares was the fact that “when we start drinking, our emotional quotient remains that age, throughout our drinking story.” This thought was repeated several times. My drinking took off in my twenties. And I had a brief growth spurt at age 26, through 28. I had no choice, when I got sober the first time, to grab the bull by the horns and ride him out. It was either learn or die.

I had that time under my belt. The second time I got sober, delusional as I was, fear of growing older was omnipresent. I really tried to hang on to something that I certainly could not hold on to. It was either grow up or die, a second time.

All that I have and all that I am, came from the rooms, and from the people in the rooms. It was as if, as soon as I put down roots here, soberly, life began in earnest. I was not sure if I was ready, but life certainly took off within months of my arriving here. The rest they say is history.

It was not easy. Every lesson learned was done by the book, through the rooms, tried and tested and retested over and over. Sobriety came in cycles. I’d hear something, or I’d read it from the book. We would talk about it in a meeting, then I would get “think time” and then God would go … “Ok, so you got this lesson? Let’s see you put it into practice.”

Rinse, Wash and Repeat …

So here is where I am today.

On an entirely New Note …

A few weeks ago, one of my long time friends sent a notice out that his new album would be dropping the coming week. That friend would be the One and Only Lucas Mire, from Atlanta Georgia. I’ve been following him for years, and have in my music collection several of his albums.

If you go to Lucas Mire.com

There is his music page. You can order his latest work “Hey Day” from Band Camp. You get one of two choices, a physical CD, or a Digital Download, if you don’t need the jewel case. Over the weekend Lucas was sending out pre-orders. I was waiting for my electronic notice from Band Camp, which magically appeared this afternoon.

So I brought it down and put it into my phone. I am happy to say that Hey Day is a really great album. Probably the best sound Lucas has ever produced. If you live in Atlanta, you can usually find him at Eddie’s Attic. One of the clubs, Lucas is known to play in.

I was at the church this evening setting up, with Lucas in my headphones. I had sent him a note on Face book before I left. And he replied that he released the album three days early for ME !!

I smiled…

Buy the album. Go, Now, Buy It !!!

A good night was had by all.

More to come. Stay tuned …


Forgot to Mention … MUSIC !!!

ed sheeran

If you haven’t bought a copy, I insist that you buy it …

The New Ed Sheeran, ( X ) Multiply album. It is brand new and I must say that from start to finish, this is one SOLID record. I cried a little listening to it on Tuesday.

FANTASTIC.

I am also listening to Thirty Seconds to Mars “Love, Lust, Faith and Dreams.”

This is a 2013 release, I seem to have missed it. It is a departure from their older stuff, but is also another SOLID record.

Add that to Linkin Park’s new record ( The Hunting Party) last week and you have hours upon hours of Good New Music to listen to.


Mercury is in Retrograde … Until July 1st.

tumblr_l9ye08McMu1qb0mibo1_500 fysnoopy

I learned of this offhandedly.

But all the same, make no life decisions during this period.

It has been an interesting week. Sunday I was setting up the hall, listening to some tunes, and my Skull Candy (Up Rock) phones dropped a channel. I’ve had them for 8 months, and I thought, because they are a flat wire operation that the threat of a line breakage would lessen. The music just stopped, I am not sure what I did, but my phone was in my pocket as usual. Oh Well.

So I had no tunes for my transit. F.M.L.

I came home and Monday I went to Target, where I bought them, and attempted to get an exchange, I actually had my original receipt, but they said NO. That I would have to contact Skull Candy directly, which I did on Monday, so I have to send them back for a return/new pair.

It was very easy to file a warranty claim online, then they give you a number and a printout for the claim and the address to mail them back.

Very efficient.

Tuesday, I took the headphones that I got for Christmas, with their UBER long cord to the meeting, which worked well. That night I was sitting here at the computer, and I felt a little off. I knew something was not right, and the headphones were plugged into the tower on the side closest to the screen, instead of the back.

I got up and the cord wrapped around my foot and I yanked the plug in two, efficiently killing a second pair of headphones over two days.

I was like, Fuck Me!

I turned the box off and went to bed.

Someone is up there taking the piss…

Today, Wednesday, I got up early because I needed to go shop for another pair of headphones. They aren’t cheap. I had looked at Canadian Tire and they had a few, but I returned to Target for the purchase. This time I bought Sony’s.

I am hoping that Skull Candy gives me a new head set.

I went and did some Supermarket Safari and we have these points cards that we swipe every time we check out and we accrue points. Well I spent $30.00 on food, and I had $20 in credit accrued, so she asked me if I wanted to use my points, I said yes, so a basket of groceries cost me all of $9.00.

Take that Mercury !

I did three loads of laundry. And I took a long nap. Sleeping in freshly laundered sheets is the bomb …

Meanwhile, my emotional state is up in the air. I’ve been twisting and turning. And my sponsor says that I am in the right place at the right time, and that I just need to plod through it. That this 4th step process is turning more than myself upside down.

Then I get the news that Mercury is in retrograde …

Great, fantastic, just what I needed to hear.

That is why I am all fucked up this week. And it ain’t over yet …


Tuesday … Musings and New Music

lp_the_hunting_party_by_livingtheory-d7ews23

It has been a very busy few days. Good busy that is.

People are moving around, and summer camp starts soon, so my guys are hurriedly tying up loose ends and getting step work completed prior to leaving in the coming days. I have some time before one of my guys leaves for camp for a few weeks then he is leaving the country to pursue his PHD in Pittsburgh.

The Big Birthday/Going Way bash is tomorrow night. We are all going.

For the first time since starting work with my sponsor, I went a couple of days without speaking to him, because I have been keeping long hours and the end of the day comes way past the call time limit.

And today’s topic was “Being good to yourself.”

One of those things is calling my sponsor and hearing his voice on the other end of the phone. I got to see him this evening. We hosted a full house for the meeting, which was nice. People are getting what they need after waiting and waiting.

The wait list to get taken at Fosters and many other rehab facilities is months. Meanwhile, go to meetings and find people who can help you, we have at least done that for them. Today some of our folks got their intakes done. Now the job falls to them to find the time to commit to rehab programs (outpatient) along with family, children, work and meetings.

With all those factors riding, finding the time to Be Good to themselves is lacking.

But we will work with them to help them along the process. Our folks are good for that kind of work.

Before the meeting I had some down time. So I called Baby Mama in St. John’s N.F. It is great to have Canada wide calling, it is very efficient.

I’ve been reading reports of Gigantic ice Bergs off the coasts of Labrador and New Foundland. Our girl is on the coast and she reports that even the weather there is affected by the presence of icebergs off the coast.

It was her birthday today, and Baby Louisa is a week old today. Mama and baby are doing alright. She is having trouble breast feeding, because she is not producing enough milk and has had to resort to formula. Even the baby is in on the game, the other day she was nursing an empty breast and she started pounding the BOOB for MORE !!!

Mom is having a hard time with nursing and the loss of that intimate connection, where the medical community says that breastfeeding is the best route and is so important – and mama cannot provide enough – so she is beating herself up over this. Sometimes the body does not respond in the ways we want it to. I tried to comfort her and her doctor is supportive along with her friends.

We’ll see what happens.

*** *** *** ***

I got an advanced copy of the new Linkin Park record – The Hunting Party.

It was released today in North America. I was reading the BBC entertainment page last night and the reported that they were playing a concert across the pond to rave reviews. So I had to get a copy.

I previewed it and it sounded noisy, but I put it on my phone anyway

1. “Keys to the Kingdom”
2. “All for Nothing” (featuring Page Hamilton)
3. “Guilty All the Same(featuring Rakim)
4. “The Summoning”
5. “War”
6. “Wastelands
7. “Until It’s Gone
8. “
Rebellion(featuring Daron Malakian)
9. “Mark the Graves”
10. “Drawbar” (featuring Tom Morello)
11. “Final Masquerade
12. “A Line in the Sand”

I have been a fan of Linkin Park for a long time. And if you have listened to their earlier works, they have proved that they are a force to be reckoned with. Their sound is unique, you don’t hear it from any other artist that I listen to from my old school rock bands.

They are an acquired taste.

At first I wasn’t sure what to expect but I was pleasantly surprised when I listened through the album. The tracks seamlessly blend from one to the next. That is a familiar sound from earlier productions. It is gritty and loud. Chester never ceases to amaze me with his vocals. And Mike Shinoda is a master at lyrics.

It was reported that some of the tracks were improvised and written “In process” of recording. All the contributors to this album were great. I’m not a professional reviewer, but I enjoyed the sound.

Every Linkin Park album is a listening experience. You must listen to it from start to finish. It is a journey. None of the reviews I read from Big Wigs, do not seem to notice the obvious. A new album was coming and it took some time to get here, and I don’t think you will be disappointed.

It is also reported that Linkin Park will be touring with Thirty Seconds to Mars. That is a ticket I would buy. That is a high powered ticket. “Thirty Seconds” albums are gritty and stand by themselves. But both bands on the same ticket is going to be one hell of a show. Hard, Pounding and Loud.

How much better can you get then Chester Bennington, Mike Shinoda and Jared Leto.

Rain is falling and it might be a bumpy night ahead.

More to come, stay tuned …


Page 9 of 365 … However Much I Booze

tumblr_m1x5tpsILv1qmi5uao1_500 alexander

Courtesy: Alexander S.A.T.C.

The weather is getting downright balmy as of late. And it is only going to get warmer going into the weekend. We are sitting at (-10c/-15 c w.c.) but it is balmy. The flip side to this is after the freezing rain and the bitter cold over the past few days, everything is iced over. Sidewalks, roads, and not a lot of abrasive set out to make it passable.

We sat a full compliment tonight. Our chair invited a number of friends to “back him up” tonight because we had a bit of departure from the same ole same ole … Which was a good thing. New angles and new points of view are always nice to hear.

Sometimes recovery can get stale and old.

“More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it.

The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his senses, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As fast as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension – that makes for more drinking.”

B.B. pg. 73

Compared and contrasted to “The Who’s However much I Booze”

I see myself on t.v. I’m a faker, a paper clown
it’s clear to all my friends that I habitually lie; I just
bring them down

I claim proneness to exaggeration
But the truth lies in my frustration
The children of the night, they all pass me by
have to drench myself in brandy
In sleep I’ll hide
But however much I booze
There ain’t now way out […]

I loose so many nights of sleep worrying about my
responsibilities
Are the problems that screw me up really down to
him or me
My ego will just confuse me
Some day it’s going to up and use me
Dish me out another tailor made compliment
Tell me about some destiny I can’t prevent
And however much I squirm
There ain’t no way out […]

Won’t somebody tell me how to get out of this place?!

All the world’s a stage and we are merely her actors …

The memory that rose for me listening to these readings was of that block of time from the night I came out, to moving to Orlando, and beginning my life as an adult (so I believed). I failed …

I met friends who facilitated me coming out to my best friend on a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean. That ended badly.

I packed my house and moved to Orlando to an apartment I HAD to have but could not afford. Working at the Tragic Queendom was pointless. It was the greatest stage one could have at this time in our lives.

Everything revolved around the drink. Life, Friendship, Sex, Parties. The list goes on and on. I never had liquor at home. Drinking was an OUT event, on a nightly basis. I mean Disney built a whole entertainment Village across the road from where we lived, just outside the parks, to party and to drink. Imagine a bunch of different themed clubs, discos, party places, for the sole purpose of drinking, (a lot of liquor on a nightly basis) it was heaven.

Disney created the stage. We were merely actors.

Then you add in The Parliament House, Pool, Hotel and Entertainment Complex on Orange Blossom Trail, and Gay reaches its zenith.

Drag, Dancing and drinking … Every weekend. and most night’s when you got bored of Disney. It was a little slice of heaven. it was the best of times – it was the worst of times. I saw it all, did it all, and experienced various emotions, and had many experiences under its roof.

We were young, pretty and cheek of tan. twinks in their twenties acting like we were in our thirties. Backstabbing was a parlor game. And if you had a boyfriend, the ultimate goal was for someone to sleep with him behind your back. Single men were a dime a dozen, the big pay day was the “couple.”

Work and responsibility was one aspect of life that I couldn’t pin down or be responsible. But drinking and the act was all that mattered. And I did it well. There are many memories of these times I hold dear. Friendships I had, with folks long since dead now. Dancing, music and fellows.

But it did not end well. Alcohol killed the party. Because it only went from bad to worse. I could not act any longer. The picture was bleak. I don’t know how I navigated that time into survival. But I live to tell.

I just hung onto that lounge act for as long as I could. And that takes me to my mid-twenties. I got sick, I wanted to die, and alcohol was the vehicle. And even that failed me. I lived … and Got Sober.

Ego took over and sobriety lost its priority.

And even then, I was in my mid thirties now, trying to hold on to the facade of my twenties, trying to look twink, when twink went out the window a decade prior. UGH …

We are coming to know who we are in sobriety. We are coming to be the person we were meant to be. Because when we start drinking, we stunt our growth, emotionally and mentally, and we remain that age until we quit the drink and come to. Then we have to deal with all that baggage and grow up at whatever age we come in…

It has been a journey, to say the least.

I wasn’t sure that I would have survived that slip, because there was no logical or easy way out. Thank God for mercies and angels. Because I got to live again after that hell.

The rest they say is history.

More to come, stay tuned …


Music is life, And I have a LOT of life

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This post is all about music. once can never have too much music to listen to. Music has been a constant companion throughout my life. When I was a young person, I had quite the record collection.

Record players have gone the way of the dinosaur, unless of course you find yourself in a D.J. Booth, and even there, the CD is ever present. I found it difficult to mix cd’s, I’d rather mix a record instead.

I have a phone, and I use it, but for the most part, it is my music delivery system. And an 8 gig memory card does the trick and will hold an inordinate amount of music, which means I will never go without music EVER !!!

What is on my player these days?

I am listening to PINK … The Truth about Love. A fantastic piece of music. Not to mention, if you’ve haven’t seen her in concert, she is a must see if she comes to a city near you. Hot Hot Hot !!!

For those of you who like some hard grunge music, I give you Breaking Benjamin. I kind of love their music. I was introduced to them with their hit “The Diary of Jane.” They’ve put out several albums …

Phobia
Dear Agony
We Are Not Alone … and
Shallow Bay – The Best of Breaking Benjamin.

If you like a little dark and dirty, screaming and grungy, soft rock and everything in between, then this is your band.

Growing up in the 70’s and 80’s with the dawn of MTV, I love that 80’s sound, and everything about it. And I return to those roots with the 80’s Diva Taylor Dayne and her greatest hits. Coming through my 20’s and clubbing throughout those years, 80’s music was a theme, in the clubs and on the radio and on cassette. Numbers like:

Prove Your Love
Don’t Rush Me
Heart of Stone
I’ll Be Your Shelter
I’ll Wait
and the great Barry White cover of Can’t Get Enough of your Love
This is a must have piece of music if you grew up in the 80’s.

It is said, for this next selection … That Katy Perry had quit drinking during the writing of PRISM, her latest offering.

I really love this album. It is poppy, carries good beats, And many of the songs carry undertones of someone who “might” understand recovery.

Several cuts I enjoy …

Spiritual, is my favorite
By the Grace of God
Choose your Battles
It Takes Two
Unconditionally
Legendary Lovers

In fact the entire album is great. Every cut flows into the next and each song carries a message. She clearly is talking about relationships in this album, coming off one bad relationship into another, the music moves from one extreme to another.

I love an album that I can listen to straight through from beginning to end, not get bored, or have to skip one cut or another, and Katy Perry delivers that kind of listening experience.

For all you little Monsters out there, yes, I am also listening to Lady Gaga.

Some initial reviews of her latest offering were not kind. But music is subjective, and if you are loyal to a particular artist, then reviews mean nothing. You listen because you love that artist, not for the acid reviews artists can get from the press.

However … Unlike Katy Perry, Dear Momma Monster gave me skips and uncertainties.

This piece of music took some time to get into. The first few listens I was skipping all over the place, not sure if I liked the cuts or not. After seeing her on a Muppet Special over the holidays, I fell more into the album. Seeing music presented live, sung and danced out, made a difference in my listening experience.

I really like…

Aura
Venus
Manicure
Do What you Want (Featuring R Kelly)
Swine
Donatella
Fashion
and of course Applause

I cover A LOT of music spanning the entire alphabet. Depending on what mood I am in, where I am traveling, and how much time I have to invest in a listening, there is a bevy of music on my phone to impress.

This is just the most recent collection of music I added to my library over the last month. What are your favorites? What are you listening to?

Do share …

More to come, stay tuned …


Time to “Bring back Rock!”

We learn tonight that Steven Tyler is leaving the American Idol franchise to return to what he does well, SING !!! Tyler is reported to say that “It is time to bring rock back.”

Aerosmith played Laval, Quebec on Tuesday night to crowds of adoring fans.

We wish him well in all his endeavors.


M.D.N.A. (Edit Listening Party) …

“O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of Heaven, and the pains of Hell. But most of all because I love Thee, and I want so badly to be good.”

Here are the tunes I am liking right now:

  • Masterpiece
  • Girl Gone Wild
  • Turn up the radio
  • I don’t give A …
  • I Fucked Up
  • Beautiful Killer
  • Love Spent / Acoustic
  • Give me all your luvin’ (Track 1) / Track 2

Track Listing:

  • Girl Gone Wild – HOT !!!
  • Gang Bang – Massive !!! If you act like a Bitch then you are gonna die like a Bitch !!! BANG !!!
  • I’m Addicted – Boo Yah !!!
  • Turn up the Radio – Great
  • Give me all your Luvin’ – I love it
  • Some Girls – Good tune
  • Superstar – Good tune
  • I don’t Give A … – Whoa !!!
  • I’m a Sinner … Very Austin Powers !!!
  • Love Spent – very Madonna
  • Masterpiece – I think it’s my favorite track YES !!!
  • Falling Free – it’s ok
  • Beautiful Killer – Love it !!!
  • I Fucked up … Yeah Baby !!!
  • B-Day Song – Bubble Gum Pop !!!
  • Best Friend – it’s ok
  • Give me all your Luvin’ Track 2
  • Love Spent Acoustic – Excellent !!!

So it’s here … and I put a copy on my phone and now I am sitting here listening to the CD. I may have been premature until I actually sat down and listened from beginning to end one track after another, because at first I Dj popped through the tracks (a bad dj habit) to see what I want to play at a club for the floor, its a trick I learned a long time ago. It is growing on me and may become a new favorite in the evolution of Madonna. The Bad Girl Madonna is appealing.

The interspersion of religious language here and there are indicative of Madonna to make a statement about faith and God. She opens the album with confession words and goes into bad girl mode almost immediately. It feels so good being so bad, thought she is trying hard to be good.

The tracks flow very nicely from one to the next. I quite like it actually. I could learn to love this album. She did a good job. It is different from her other albums over the years. But I have my show/music/concert favorites.

  • Blonde Ambition
  • The Girly Show
  • Ray of Light
  • Confessions on a Dance Floor
  • Hard Candy
  • M.D.N.A.

I think I am a little partial to Hard Candy for the show itself. Secondly The Confessions Tour for the music. Ray of Light is up there too. Every album is another incarnation of Madonna. I guess I have to listen to it a little more closely, and I will do that over the next few days. It is worth the money paid. If you love Madonna, then buy the album.

We all grow up, and for all of those boys and girls who grew up when Madonna was an MTV star … she has come a long way since the 1980’s. Madonna has evolved again. I want to see how she presents this music en show …


Who are you ???

This post is brought to you by Cee Lo Green and his latest work “Lady Killer.”

This is a really good album. If you haven’t heard of Cee Lo Green, well you must have. I really like the sound. You should check him out. He’s great …

Get down thumpin tunes. Thanks to That M Feeling for the review and video.

I’ve been sitting here thinking about doing some writing and I needed a focus to write on. Needless to say I’ve been sitting here beating myself up over the fact that my best friend pissed away 23 years of sobriety and did not trust me enough to say something when this was all going on.

But the more I think about it, the more I understand that people are going to do what they do, friendship or not, and that my friends may not trust me fully even after years of work and trust.

I am powerless over people, places and things. She did what she did and now she has to start at the beginning again. And I think, will she ever see 23 years of sobriety again? Probably NOT !!!

Which brings me to my next topic Oprah’s Life class, and tonight’s topic of aging gracefully. I am of the mind that if it works for the women, it should translate across to the men just the same.

Let’s face it, we aren’t getting any younger. And we sure as shit aren’t teenagers any more. I have fallen outside the “target” gay demographic, that age group from 18 to 24 age group. All those pups over on Tumblr are so young. All of them fighting for their spot on the map. Worried about finding love and the right man.

I am so glad that I am well past that stage in my life. I may be getting older, things change every year and that has been the case since I hit 40, 4 years ago. I have written about what that meant to me as it happened.

I am not so worried about aging. I think I have accepted gracefully where I am in the grand scheme of things. I think the only vain thing I can be accused of is dying my hair because I am not ready to go grey at this point in my life. Even if my friends are there. Hubby refuses to have grey hair. So we have our Loreal night’s and our beauty parlor days.

Oprah says that we must accept where we are in our lives. That we must own our lives and be honest about who we are, at what ever age we are at. To begin to live authentically. Because you own the space you are in right now. Nobody but you can say that “I am 44 years old.” I lived to see this age.

And every year that we grow we become more and more authentic. I am not 21 anymore, I don’t have the ass of death I had once in  my life. I may not be the prettiest or hottest looking man on the earth, but I have me. And that has to do for me because I only have this one life to live, so I better make the best of it.

This isn’t a dress rehearsal. We have come this far, and there is air in my lungs and I should be grateful for every day that I get. Not that I am sorry or sad or ungrateful. I just wonder what I am supposed to be doing in this life.

I have asked this question of a friend of mine and the more we talk about passions in life, he says that when I talk about this space, my work with others and my online sober presence, my face lights up and there is pep in my step, so to speak.

I talked to  my friend Rhoda tonight and she is a great teacher for me. She is always interested in what I am doing at school and that I am doing well, that I haven’t taken things for granted.

I also talked to my sponsor on the way home about my upcoming anniversary because this one is BIG, double digits. I’ve been concerned as of late with my place in the grand scheme of sobriety. Should I be doing some kind of inventory or should I be doing something different? I asked him if we could get together and talk all these things through because really, we only see each other on Tuesday nights and we really haven’t done a proper review of my sober life in a long time.

But I have kept to the same routine. I build my life around my meetings. I have my home group, my schooling, and my weekly meetings on Friday and Sunday nights. I am a member at two groups now and I do service at both. I am always looking out for the next big thing, and when I joined Friday West End I felt that that was where I should be for the next phase of my sobriety. I think that there is something there for me to experience.

I’ve been studying the old writings. I am eating up stories of Old Timers. I can’t get enough of them, because if I am not diligent and vigilant, I could end up taking a drink, and I don’t want to do that again. I did it once and it did nothing for my life or my sobriety. But I did learn that I should not make big decisions alone, that I should be ok with where I am and always stay connected to my sponsor and my meetings.

The take away from my slip … Sobriety loosing it’s priority …

I thought I was missing something that I wasn’t getting where I was, so why not go look for it elsewhere. Just set me up for the biggest loss in my life. It cost me everything I owned. And almost my life in the end.

I have watched MANY old timers go out and drink after decades of sobriety, double digits worth of sobriety over stupid things. What can you do? But learn from their mistakes. Come hell or high water, I will make my ten years in 52 days.

52 days …

That’s not far off. And I haven’t hit that 30 day out mark yet. One usually hits that pre cake roller coaster at 30 days out. I hope I don’t get all crazy and shit. Always be mindful of my ego. I don’t really have an ego, well I hope not, nobody has said anything about it to me. I try to keep it real and honest.

I don’t know what else to write so I am going to say goodnight for now.

More to come, stay tuned…


What albums did you listen to the most while growing up?

 

The question above courtesy of Plinky. This post is dedicated to my most favorite singing duo Captain and Tennille. Being a child of the 1970’s we still had records back then. I have memories of sitting in our basement listening to the likes of Sonny and Cher and the Jackson 5, and the Mamas and the Papas.

I guess I was in elementary school living in Miami. I attended Coral Terrace Elementary school. I remember getting my first record player for my own room. Those were the days when there were those variety shows on television. I don’t know where it started and by whom, but I was a huge fan of Captain and Tennille. I bought all of their records and once I even got to see them live at the Dade Country Youth Fair one year. I think that was the night that they came to the concert but could not stay, so Dolly Parton went on alone.

From the 1970’s through the 1980’s they were one of my favorite singer/groups. Later on, well later on I would get to meet Toni Tennille on board one of the Royal Caribbean Cruise ships when I worked for the line later on in my story.

I still listen to them to this day. I had a huge collection of records that I carried around with me from home to home, even if I didn’t have a record player. With the dawn of the CD, the old archives of music from ages past were saved for the world to hear. You can’t get this kind of music just any where. I hunted high and low for a seller, I think it finally came down to Amazon where I got my copies of these cd’s.

Before the dawn of phones into our lives here, we progressed through the veritable cd player, that bulky machine you would carry around with you with an assortment of Cd’s along with them. This would be back as far of 2000,2001.

I was still using my cd player when I moved to Canada. Then dawned the day of the hand held mp3 player and the dawn of electronic music download. Transferring music from hard copy cd to the windows media format to put the mp3 on the player. My mp3 player was attached to me, it went everywhere with me. When that died, I was lost.

And last year hubby did all kinds of homework to find the best deal on cell phones that did everything that you needed it to do. I use my phone to make calls, but the big job my phone does is play music. I can’t live without music. Music is part of my life. Play any assortment of music on any given day and I can usually come up with an anecdote or story connected to any given piece of music. I have an eclectic collection of music on my phone.

Over the last few years I have collected a huge collection of Cd’s that are sitting in a cabinet here in our apartment. Most of them are sitting on my hard drive on file. I have an 8 gb card in my phone so my music collection is huge. I travel from genre to genre from gentle 70’s to hard rock Linkin Park and Breaking Benjamin. From theme park music to movie soundtracks.

I love the old music from the 70’s and 80’s. I had a huge stereo as a teen ager with an LP player and an 8 track player as well. Do you remember the 8 track tape? Did you have one? Was there one in your car? or on your home stereo.

Groups like the Mamas and the Papas, Feetwood Mac and assorted other artists of that time. I went through a country phase and a classical phase when I was in high school. I took a humanities class in high school and we used to listen to classical music, first period of the day, and study art and architecture.

I’m listening to Captain and Tennille as I am typing this out. And in my minds eye I am sitting in my bedroom with my LP playing and my headphones on laying on my water bed with my little light show going on. I used to have all these funky lamps that held water and glitter and lava lamps and lights that spun, reflecting off the ceiling. My bedroom was an escape from the trials of the day.

My favorite Music:

  • Captain and Tennille
  • Mamas and the Papas
  • Stevie Nicks
  • Fleetwood Mac
  • U2
  • Celine Dion
  • Amy Winehouse
  • Cher
  • Information Society
  • Bette Midler
  • Lady Gaga
  • Classic M People – 1990’s
  • DJ Tiesto
  • Madonna
  • Breaking Benjamin
  • Erasure
  • Gloria Estefan
  • Duran Duran “of course”
  • Keane
  • Amber
  • Linkin Park “definitely”
  • Def Leppard
  • Van Halen
  • Lifehouse
  • Amy Grant
  • Steven Curtis Chapman
  • Yanni
  • DJ Junior Vasquez
  • DJ Chad Fox Podcasts
  • Barbra Streisand

Just a selection of the music that is on my phone. I love music. it gives us a reason to live. Much of my life is painted in musical tones. For every memory there is a song to go with it. A lifetime of music. I know it would take me ages to collect every piece of music from the past. Every once and a while I run past an old piece of music and I get to add it to my collection.

I don’t listen to music radio at all. Only what I have in my collection, what is put out on the open market. Our record stores here in the city are all going belly up. They don’t sell music like they used to. There were times when I would spend a good hour at HMV listening to music and spending hundreds of dollars every year on new music. But with the dawn of the Ipod and Apple Itunes and downloadable music, the days of the hard press CD will come to an end, just like LP’s, 8 tracks and Cd’s.

 

This was one of my all time favorites …

And this one as well. Come in From the Rain. Fantastic memories …

That’s all I have for tonight.
Tomorrow is Tuesday and meeting night, it’s going to be very exciting. An old friend of mine is making her return to the meeting after fighting breast cancer, so there will be much to talk about tomorrow.

Stay tuned …


Three Tones Friday …

Courtesy: Natsack

It’s Friday Friday gotta get down on Friday !!! I can’t believe I just typed that.

The week was a big success. We had a full house on Tuesday. And the rest of the week followed without a hiccup. Last night I went to class and it was all joy. The week prior we had our first essay exam. And from the remarks from the prof, out of all her classes, it seems we are high on the bell curve. Grades went from perfect exams to those who did not do so well. In my case I was pleasantly surprised to see that I aced the exam. 19.5 out of 20. It was good that all the topics on the exam, I was well versed on. Thanks to lots of Discovery programming, all those shows on familiar topics were of use.

*** *** *** ***

MUSIC

Last night I was farting around on You tube and I went to listen to some Lady Gaga and on the Vevo page was a ticker for Adele. Her new single was coming out on Vevo and so I clicked on it. Can I just tell you that if you don’t know who Adele is, you should. She is a young woman from London England. She has such a sultry, strong and unique voice. you can almost hear tones of Motown in her tones and lyrics. Her Freshman album ( 19 ) is very down beat. Not many up beat songs. But on her latest work ( 21 ), there are a number of upbeat songs.

You gotta listen to her. It is well worth the time. Some of my favorite tunes are “Rolling in the Deep,” And “Set Fire to the Rain.” There are a bunch of her videos on You Tube from acoustic performances, The Graham Norton Show in Britain and even on David Letterman in the U.S. And her great ballad “Someone Like You, is haunting. She performs this at a Brit Awards Show. Rolling in the Deep, Set Fire to the Rain and Someone like you are all on You Tube.

Fantastic …

*** *** *** ***

This week and next I am on set up for Friday West End. There are supposed to be two of us to set up but only I showed up. I left home plenty early to get around city traffic on the bus route. We unloaded the meeting supplies and I just cranked out chairs and tables. It did not take me long to get everything done. I don’t see why you need two people to do the work. Once I get started I don’t stop until I am finished. I just crank away.

Before the business meeting Dave, myself and another member sat in the kitchen while Dave made sandwiches for the meeting. We serve food after every meeting. It keeps people around for coffee, food and conversation. We also had a 13 year cake tonight as well. It was fun fun all around.

I volunteered to do set up for the next month, since it seemed nobody else wanted to do it, or was available. I need to hit my three month membership requirement before I get to do any other job at the table. There is a woman who is a member there who has bad blood for me. She comes and goes, and refuses to acknowledge me, like tonight she walked up and hugged the chairperson who was sitting right next to me and did not even pay me a hello. You can’t change some people.

The meeting was packed. The speaker was great. Another 30 year sober person in the chair tonight.After the meeting I helped put everything back where they should go and set off for home.

I made the 10:30 bus on Sherbrooke and made it to the Metro on time. And I checked through the turnstile and got to the platform and the train was just pulling into the station. And then it happened…

The Three Metro Tones of Death …

You know the tones that harken a hold/stoppage on the line. Two trains were in the station as we were sitting there on the track. And the little voice of the Metro Lady comes on in French and says ………………….. rough translation: There is a stoppage on the “orange line” in the direction of Cote Vertu (on the West End).

Another message will follow … Now you don’t know how long you are going to sit in the station. The stoppage wasn’t on our line as we were going in the other direction, towards Montmorency on the East end.

The train remained on the platform for about 10 minutes and then we started on our way. Thank god there wasn’t something bad going on up the line.

I got to Atwater around 11 o’clock. I was walking home through my usual path, through Alexis Nihon and then cross Atwater and into the Forum around the corner and out Ste Catherine’s Street exit and on towards home, up the street. While I was in the Forum I was walking by Future Shop and standing there out front was my History prof from Thursday Night. She had told us about wanting to hit the movie on a rain night, because it rained on Thursday night, but she came to teach instead. Not that it was a choice, but she enjoys movies on rainy days.

We said hello and I went on my way.

We had a nice dinner and now it’s 12:30 as I am finishing this up here.

More to come, stay tuned …


Observations …

Courtesy: Tumblr

Isn’t this photo amazing? Definitely an island somewhere, not sure where it is but it looks inviting. Don’t you wish you could skydive somewhere like this? I do … It would cure my fear of heights really quickly, jumping out of a plane.

They say you should never sit down and write in the middle of the night because this is the time I sit and ruminate over all that is going on in my head. With the day’s business in the hopper and hubby tucked in bed sleeping I close out my night with some music, or maybe some tv, and then to go to bed eventually and read for a bit before calling it a day. That usually takes place around 5 a.m.

So I know today that there are sober people here in Montreal who are reading my blog, since it is synched up with my facebook account. I have a few weeks before school gets going and I get bogged down with responsibilities and reading to do for class. So I might as well make good use of my time.

A little Linkin Park … Minutes to Midnight.

Everybody knows I am in my ninth year of sobriety and eight months. I will mark ten years in December. And I’ve been saying for a while that I was waiting for something exciting to happen. Because I’ve been doing the same thing week in and week out for as long as I have been in sobriety.

Everybody has a life – in my sober circle. People are coming and going from the rooms. One of my friends headed off to Japan for a YEAR last Friday. What an adventure he is going to have. Having settled his 12 year cake before his departure he goes with some serious sobriety on his side.

I watch people. I know many people. I go to the same meetings week in and week out. I do my service like clockwork. It is all very easy to manage. I’ve been watching people for a long time. My friends have come and gone from this city and some of them have returned. And we all grow up together in the rooms.

Today we talked about truth … And the Great Comforter. The truth shall set you free. On our medallions it says “to thine own self be true.”

I guess I have been missing people in my life. My birthday came and went without fanfare and I didn’t say anything about it on that Sunday either. The one person I wanted to see for my birthday wasn’t available. Another year in the hopper and what do I have to show for it?

What have I learned in the last calendar year? French went in one ear and out the other. It is all defeating to tell you the truth. And in a few weeks I am going to walk back into a classroom and pick up where I left off, with no French practice under my belt this summer.

What a waste of time and money. Like I am really going to find a job I want at this point and have to speak french … fuck me …

I have been watching the women at my meeting. They flock to the meeting like little hens. All gathering there with their sponsors. They all vie for time with them and the like. I am a little envious of it all really.

I watch friends in certain meetings having these really great relationships, sponsors and sponsees going to meetings together and celebrating milestones and cakes. People talk about the steps and working with others. I have all the bases covered in my life. But my sponsor is conspicuously absent. I see him an hour a week at my home group.

We don’t go to meetings together like we used to. He is either too busy or too tired from work to get out. And he is terribly picky with where he goes to meetings. He gets very distracted too easily. But I am still going to meetings.

By myself.

I come and go and nobody misses me.

I don’t have “friends” as in people I do things with. We see each other at meetings but never once has anyone offered a meal or a coffee. I just take up a chair at whatever meeting I go to on any given night. People are cordial and they say hello and that is it. Maybe I get asked to read something or someone has something to say about an observation they make about me in passing, people notice that I show up now and I am always in my same seat.

I never deviate from my plan.

I’ve been itching for something to change. I’ve sussed out the gays here and there. We all know who we are and we go about our meetings never mentioning the little secret we all share. I’ve been surrounded by the gays for a long time. I go to meetings where I find commonality. And I am beginning to wonder if I should find a gay sponsor with some time.

I mean there is nothing wrong with my sponsor that I have, except I never see him. He devotes a hell of a lot of time with his other sponsee Dave. A friend from our home group. Dave has a family and a wife and a baby on the way and my sponsor makes sure he has work and gets to meetings and works his steps diligently. Am I jealous? No, Dave is a newbie and he is also in a challenging group of people by descent. He carries the message to his native community and that is very important that he stay sober.

I know he is getting all the care he needs to stay sane, sober and to be able to put money in the bank and food on the table. I don’t begrudge them anything.

But in the same breath I wonder “What about me?”

I don’t talk to my sponsor about personal things. Nobody cares about where I am in my life. Nobody asks and who cares really? I’ve been in this funk about what about me for a while.

I’m feeling a little “Rose’s Turn …”

Things at home are fine. Hubby has his teaching this fall, his friends are all returning to Montreal in the next week or so and they will all be partying together and that is all well and good, but at the same time I ask, “what about Me?” Because once that starts I am on my own …

I haven’t said anything to anyone about what I am writing here. But it doesn’t mean that I haven’t thought through this already. Is it proper to ask What about me? or I am being selfish and self centered?

They say if times are good, don’t get used to it because things will change. And if times are bad to buckle down and hang on because those times too will pass.

I’ve not been close to many people in the rooms. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I’ve not found it necessary to go out of my way for people. I do what I am supposed to do every week. I have my home group, I set up tables and chairs and make coffee for the gaggle of women who now call our group home.

I go to meetings every week on the same days. When school starts I will loose my Thursday night meeting because of class. I don’t take classes on Tuesday’s, that’s my dedicated sober day.

I am an aging gay man. I have a few gay friends. My close gay friends are married with careers. And I know that if I need to see any one of them, all I need to do is ask. People have been busy with work and school all summer. And I have gotten to see them over the past few months.

I am thinking about talking to a member of Sunday Nighter’s in the coming days about all these things. I think I need the perspective of another gay man who has been sober longer than I have. And he is.

My sponsor is a good hard working man, but he isn’t serving my needs, and that sounds very selfish, I know. The only commonality that we share is the home group and Harry Potter. Aside from that he doesn’t do anything else for me. We haven’t had a sober conversation in a long time. Since the day that we went up North and cut wood at Tom and Rene’s and I made a major faux pas up there and neither has let me forget it.

Speaking of Tom, he was at Sunday Nighter’s earlier tonight for the speaker meeting. I wonder if he spoke or just took a seat? I did not stay to find out. I had to talk to my friend and get his number on the way home. I need to call him this week.

End of rant … And now for story time …

We read from Experience, Strength and Hope today. And one of the passages from the book mentions our man who is a drunk and is happened upon by a great comforter, someone who is able to take him where he needs to go to get help for our problem. And he get’s sober eventually and stays sober.

I mention this story because it is how I made it back to the rooms. During the year 2001, 9-11 happened and we were all shocked and the drink became the great equalizer. It drowned our fears and cares and raised money for those in need.

By the end of the year I was coming to my bottom. I said a few prayers …

Prayer one – I need the hangover of death.

By that time I was blackout drinking not knowing how I would get home after a night of debauchery. But I would get home and not know how I managed that.

Prayer two – Put an alcoholic in my path.

I was working at that same time, in a little antique shop. One day a young man walked in looking for a job. And it so happened that I had a job to offer him. He dutifully came to work every day. With a smile on his face and a pep in his step.

And he would say to me every day … ” I did not drink today.”

To which I would respond with, “that’s nice.”

It took a while for me to catch on why he was telling me this truth. Because it came to pass that one day we were on a delivery to Palm Beach and in the truck he told me that he was celebrating a cake the following day.

Prayer three was – To get me to a meeting. December 9th 2001.

It so followed that I gave in and told him that I was an alcoholic as well and he had invited me to come with him to that anniversary meeting. It was a gay meeting. And gay men on South Beach can be cruel. If you don’t have the looks, you might as well fuck off. I stayed for the meeting, And after that meeting, I hung around outside for the next meeting at 10 p.m.

That’s where I met my friends and I rooted myself. It was a 10 p.m. meeting in the same place every night of the week. Fonda and Ed, Charlie who would become my temporary sponsor and all the others I met while there. So I got sober and I remain sober to this day.

Fonda and I share a close friendship. Our birthday is on the 31st July. And we got to talk on that Sunday. We have been close friends for almost ten years now.

I knew who God was. I never had a problem with calling God, God…

Some people do. And that’s ok. As long as they find a power greater than themselves. It all works out in the end. I had my great comforter and he took care of me when I needed it. Maybe because I was willing and broken enough to pay attention to the signs.

And so it goes …

3:24 a.m. This is War. 30 Seconds to Mars … Fantastic

What a way to end a post …

Thanks for reading. More to come, stay tuned …