Over the last calendar year, Sunday has been the best day of the week, as posting goes. I completed 52 weeks of Sundays which is a good run. So let’s keep up that momentum.
We are sitting at a balmy (-5c) at this hour, and snow is on tap for tonight into tomorrow. And twice, in as many days, our local tv weather presenter is warning us of an impending storm coming for the end of the week where we should expect “SIGNIFICANT” snow fall. Remember the last time they spent a week warning us of impending doom, it never really materialized.
The end of last week saw the reunification with my guys who have been away for the holidays. We all gathered at the Friday Night Meeting, where we, once again, spoke about God, as we understood him, which parlayed into thinking about Step Three.
You can’t force the God concept on people, one must allow them their process, and coming to the same meetings over and over, people have moved in one direction or another, which is a good thing. The post holiday, “getting back into the swing of things” is taking place.
I had an appointment with another of my guys tonight, so I departed uber early to meet him at the church. After last weeks meager showing we sat a good crowd tonight. We did a little reading of the Book, and we have commenced with “THE WORK” for another human being. Chapter five in the Big Book begins with How it Works, which runs into Step Three. And before we hit step three, we have to get through one and two.
The reading tonight, from the twelve and twelve, was Step Five. In a room full of people, there were many, “haven’t gotten there yet, and a few, doing my step four now, and many who haven’t touched pen to paper in some time, which leads to the following … “my life is unmanageable and I am miserable, I haven’t been working my steps, and I really should, at some point…”
Since the Round Up in 2013, when the fire was lit for me I’ve been on the journey of a deeper sobriety, starting with the book, a little prayer, and a new sponsor. Over the last calendar year, I attended two men’s retreats, which book ended my steps four and five, respectively. After months of working on myself, and working with my guys, It came around to me. I’m currently working on my Step Six.
This past Summer, I wrote my fourth step and at the beginning of the Fall, I sat with my sponsor and did my fifth step. They say, or I heard it said, and I think it came from Oprah, that
“It takes a long time to understand and see the wisdom of ones life …”
Or something to that effect.
It is suggested, that once you’ve been in for a while, you start your steps. There is wisdom in that thought, but experience has shown us that people need their process, and when they are ready, they are ready, everyone’s process is different. With that said, I’ve done my steps several times since I got sober this time around.
But it wasn’t until this round, that I had sufficient perspective on my story, how it unfolded and where I was then, and where I am now. What ever made it to paper then, was what it was, and we dispensed with it accordingly. But since I am really pounding The Work, I’ve allowed the lotus flower to blossom a bit bigger.
“Instead of peeling a stinky onion, sobriety is like a lotus flower, a beautiful blossom.” Lorna Kelly said that when she spoke here a couple of years ago.
The process that I undertook with my sponsors guidance, was impressive. It took a while to complete it, but when it was finished and we talked about it, I listened to my sponsor tell me some of his stories and in the end, I knew that everything was forgiven.
Jeremy speaks about forgiveness: We might have something on our hearts and we turn to God to give it away, and God, forgives everything, right then and there. Then we have a choice, we can allow the ever cleansing forgiveness to wash us clean, or sometimes we think in shades of forgiveness, that everything is not totally made clean. And we tend to hang on to stuff we really should let go, forever.
In The Book it tells us that God is or He isn’t. He is Everything or He is Nothing !
If God is everything, than He knows all, loves all and forgives ALL.
End of story …
And that is the wisdom that I have learned in my step work this time. I’ve said before that life and sobriety are cyclical. Every time we look at the past, we see it in a different light, depending where we are in our process. I haven’t committed any grievous acts, and the past is the past. I haven’t racked up many terrible resentments, fears, or guilts either, but I had a few. (that were old to begin with)
“Taking this book down from our shelf we turn to the page that which contains the twelve steps. Carefully reading the first five proposals we ask if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last.” Is our work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place? have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation? Have we tried to make mortar without sand?”
That’s what we all want, that New Freedom.
I may not see it every day. Or feel in in my heart, all the time. I am a little bit freer that I had been in years past. And this specific insight, I have realized, is important to my progress, because I get to apply this insight with my fellows.
The evolution began when I turned forty. Things began to make sense to me. I can’t explain it unless to say that when we turn forty, we have forty years of experience behind us, to be able to look at our pasts and say, “yeah, I’ve been there and this is what I know, and truly understand and be able to relate that knowing to ourselves and to others.”
The next phase of life, in my estimation, begins at forty.
In the Gay scheme of things, forty is over the hill. To any twink or young gay out there, forty is past the prime and becomes unimportant or useless. We are too old to relate to the youngsters, and that is true, but for those of us who survived into our forties, having lived through the crisis of AIDS, we are certainly important to the history of us all. Our lives matter, however hard, some seem to dismiss us from the greater life conversation. Because we are forty or older.
Youth tends to ignore us, opting for young and hip.
This has become a many layered life. I’ve seen progress over many areas of my life. And it all comes down to being sober, and doing the work, talking to my sponsor and working with my guys.
I could not ask for more, I have everything that I need today.
What else is there to say?
A good night was had by all.
More to come, stay tuned …