Loving the Sacred through Word and Image. The Ferryland – New Foundland Iceberg Easter 2017. A Word Press Production.

RENUNCIATION

 

couple candle

I have come to the end of my road with “tolerance for those with different struggles.” I have come to the end of the road, trying to be a presence, in the Christian community, as a gay man. I have come to the end of my road, with intolerance by people who claim to love Jesus, but hate me, based on a 2000 year old book.

I have come to the end of the road with trying to be a First Class Citizen, in a world where today, the LGBTQ community knows for certain where we rank on the life spectrum, and just how INSIGNIFICANT we really are to a great number of people.

This LOW BROW, INTOLERANT, VINDICTIVE, REPUGNANT AND HYPOCRITICAL BODY OF FAITH – I am DONE with you.

Repugnant phrases like:

“GOD OPENED UP HIS ARSENAL OF GUNS AND KILLED THOSE FAGGOTS IN THAT BAR”

and …

“IT WAS ALL OUR FAULT THAT WE WERE KILLED BECAUSE GOD IS PUNISHING THE GAYS, BECAUSE WE ARE ALL PEDOPHILES.”

THIS IGNORANT INTOLERANT HATE SPEECH IS REPUGNANT.

I mean really, what kind of shit like this comes out of the mouth of a human being who professes to be Christian ?

I AM SURE THAT GOD, IN HIS INFINITE WISDOM, DOES NOT HAVE AN ARSENAL OF GUNS TO KILL ANYBODY.

And the height of arrogance, is that for some, who think they speak for God, across many religions, condemn us and speak of our deaths as if God ordained that action, that ANY God would ordain any action such as killing innocents.

I’ve spent my entire existence trying to find a place that I could just be ME. After half a lifetime of being told that it was an ABOMINATION to be who I wanted to be.

And I listened to a podcast today with a man who spoke about finding your life and moving forwards and letting go of people, places and things that no longer serve us.

In 2002, I was thirty five years old, and with two consecutive decisions, I made serious changes in my life, and crossed a border, to live the life I wanted to live.

Because for so long, I heard over and over again, that I was a mistake and should never have been born, then after that came the request that I just DIE ALREADY !

Over my lifetime, the continual occurrence of people telling me NO YOU CAN’T, is high.

I am ASHAMED to be associated with America. And I have been for a long time. If I did not need the government for certain reasons, that would have changed, long ago, but it is what it is.

I am so thoroughly FED UP with certain communities, faith and public, and I know that there are more GOOD people, than BAD people. Rafa said, that the minority opinion may be small, but they are VOCAL, and WELL PLACED.

I came to Montreal to find a life, and the life I have is truly more magnificent than I would have ever imagined the day I got off that airplane that April day in 2002.

Even now, after almost fifteen years sober, and a career in academia, in the beginning my advisors and professors, and my friends were telling me YES you CAN.

At the end of that road – when all was said and done, my advisors, my professors, and the men of faith involved in the rest of my life, all said the same thing … NO YOU CAN’T …

Being gay in the 2000’s is a hell of a lot better now than it was forty years ago. We have made great strides in social acceptance, and legal status in many places. And as soon a we were legal here in Montreal, we stepped into a church and made it official.

There are many reasons that life did not lead in the direction that I had hoped. “Faith in Practice” in four season territory, is a tough sell. There might be thousands of churches in Montreal one could go to, but getting to them in minus 20c cold is problematic.

So I could not fulfill a major pillar of Christian practice. I moved to another denomination where I was told YES you CAN. And for a while that worked for me. But I learned along the way that I was not intellectually stimulated by clergy or the congregants that I met. Even if that congregation was open and affirming.

I would attend social events, and discussion forums, and feel like the odd man out among CLERGY and their friends. There was a building I could go to to celebrate the Eucharist, but it didn’t go far enough for me because I missed an integral part of my faith practice and it might seem insignificant, but to me it means much, much, more.

The tabernacle is the focal point of why you go to a Catholic Church. The presence of Christ in the Eucharist.

These days, you don’t really find a tabernacle that is open to the public like it is in other places that I have lived. So that was a no go for me.

A very well known man, my first adviser, professor, and friend, the man who was the driving force behind who I would become, made the jump from Catholicism to the Anglican Communion, so he could be in full communion with a faith body where he and his partner were accepted 100%, lock, stock and barrel.

He attained Holy Orders in the Anglican faith, and our connection all but dried up.

I am only so tolerant when it comes to people and places. If I want something, or need something or someone, I know who to ask. And you only get three chances to do what I need. If I have to ask you more than three times for something and in response I get a smart ass remark, I’ve lost my patience for you and your institution.

At the end of my Theology work, when I completed my studies and wrote a thirty page prospectus for the Catholic Church in Montreal, I handed that work in and it got raved reviews and several promises by men high up in the hierarchy of the church, who asked me to prepare for some serious work in the church for my community. I was sure I was on my way, but in the end, what I got, again, was NO YOU CAN’T …

I have come to the end of my road with NO YOU CAN’T.

I have come to the end of my road with intolerant people who claim to love Jesus, but hate me – hate us. Now I know those numbers are smaller than those Christians who don’t hate us.

There was a time, during my university career when a certain Evangelical Church spent 18 months harassing and spamming me with hatred, because being Gay and Christian was in congruent and not possible because the Bible said it.

WRONG !

They eventually went away. It only took 2 degrees to get rid of them.

I read, I read A LOT.

My library is full of books of Popes and Saints. I know all the stories, and I know what I like and what I do not.

I’ve read every book that has been published on Pope Francis. Fr. George Bergoglio. I know what this man thinks, I know what he has said. I know the man he is. And Pope Francis has made grand gestures towards inclusion, but his hands are tied when it comes to the Catholic intelligentsia and the Roman Curia.

Old habits die hard, and the only way the LGBTQ community will ever get full inclusion is for the entire OLD GUARD machine to die and get replaced. That would take several generations, still …

I am still a Second Class Catholic in a church with over a billion members.

I know many good Catholic men of faith in this city. And I know what they all think of me. There are churches I could go to, and be fully accepted. Montreal is a very tolerant and open community where faith is concerned.

Living a BMW life, makes life a little difficult, getting around a city where a real car would come in very handy.

To This End … I no longer want to participate in a community where vitriol and hatred are everyday speak. I no longer can afford it emotionally, mentally, religiously, and spiritually.

I am sickened to DEATH with the hatred that is being meted upon our grieving community right now.

I am SICK to DEATH of this HATRED.

My heart is broken and I am emotionally shattered over the killing of all those young LGBT people. All those lives snuffed out by a deranged, unstable, terrorist.

I no longer want to identify myself with the Christian denomination.

I am done with you. Finished.

KAPUT !

My desire to be GOOD and to LOVE still exists. That’s what we learn in recovery. To love ourselves once again, and learn how to love others genuinely.

I am GOOD, I do GOOD for everyone I know, in the spirit of love and Christian faith and practice.

But my Christian faith is GONE. Forever …

WE are taught to be Humble and Kind. To be who WE really should be, instead of who WE had been.

And I find that the more I see innocents get killed because of Hatred, Ideology and Homophobia, my Christian belief in Love and Forgiveness goes right out the window.

And I am FUCKING ANGRY AS SHIT ! My Heart is Broken and I am shattered. And I don’t know where to go or what to do.

My Anger and Belief in Biblical Revenge and Retribution has clouded my vision and my heart and I am heartsick, and that can’t go on much longer.

Rafa, said I should sit on this and think. I’ve done all the thinking I need to do for now.

Now is the time for action, to do something, to find someplace SAFE to BE ME.

NONE of my faithful brothers and Ministers have said one single word of love or support, none of them.

Where are the leaders of faith when GOD seems to be M.I.A.

WHERE THE FUCK DO WE TURN ???

I SURE AS SHIT DON’T HAVE THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION.

McGill Ghetto SHUL Passover

A long time ago, I made a faith profession, during my studies, that if I ever jumped the Catholic / Christian ship, I know where I would land.

I have a number and tomorrow I am following my heart and my soul.

I’ve asked myself many questions today, I’ve done my inventory, I talked it over with a friend before the meeting, and she suggested, I have a conversation and see where it leads me.

I don’t know where God is right now. Because He is not here at the moment, when the world really needs God.

I’m going to go look for Him, because He’s not where I was told He would be.

Tomorrow begins the next quest on my spiritual path.