Loving the Sacred through Word and Image. Parliament Hill Ottawa. A Wordpress Production

Posts tagged “Change

Monday: July 31st … On Being Fifty



It is the best day of the year, and the most IMPORTANT day of my life.

I have reached the ripe age of Fifty … Harry would be 37 years old today.

I woke up very early this morning, as the sun was coming up. Just to be quiet for a time and appreciate that when I did get up this morning, that my heart was still beating.

I survived. I made it all this way. Miraculous, really. Who knew I’d live this long ?

What has changed ? I jettisoned a whole bunch of takers from my life. I re-ordered my priorities, and closed the book on the last chapter of my life.

Today, we begin writing the next decade …

When I turned 40, and the years that followed, I realized that I KNEW things for sure. It was only after I crossed the 40 mark that that began to dawn on me. So I suppose that whatever I am supposed to know now, will materialize on the days, weeks, months, and years that will follow.

Another personal cull is waiting in the wings, and I will know that list by the close of business today.

All I know is that NOW, instead of Forty years, I now have Fifty years of practical life experience and a BUNCH of sober knowledge about many people. Intimate knowledge that has helped the cull process.

I really know who I want in my life, and who I don’t. I know what I am willing to invest in and what I won’t. I have sobriety that was proofed in the furnace of vulnerability. I got down and dirty in the arena, while everyone else watched from the stands.

Only three people got in the arena with me.

If you aren’t in the arena with me, getting your ass kicked, I don’t need your feedback.

I’ve changed things up here on the blog. Added a few things, took others away.

I’ve decided to embrace the wisdom and look of a fifty year old. So that is a thing.

There are a few things I really need to focus on over the next little while.

Fifty feels good right now. That may change. We’ll see …

Anyways, Happy Birthday Harry …

Spring Cleaning – Fresh Things Up a Bit


Last night, I went across my social media accounts and the blog, and got rid of all kinds of old information, photos and material.

You will see, today, the fruits of that late night effort. The blog has been scrubbed of old and outdated personal information. The photo log on the sidebar has been freshened up with new images, reflective of where I am in my life.

The last week of March, I began the Keto Genic Diet. Next week is the beginning of May. I will accrue two months and a little longer on the diet. At the end of May, I drop labs across the board. This Keto Diet, removes sugar, carbs, sweets. soda, and junk foods and moves towards an entirely new dietary regimen.

I continue to drop weight. Hence the sporty tone of the blog and my present state of mind. A gym and exercise schedule has been added to the dietary regimen. I am hoping that this change of lifestyle has changed the insides, as I was told they would, if I adhered to the diet religiously.

I’ve updated the Gravatar and updated the About Me section on Gravatar and above in the About Me Page up top.

The march towards fifty continues. As it goes, every day it feels a little more comfortable and this new way of life has been working well.

People are noticing the changes in my looks and my figure. This week people have been commenting to me that I’ve seriously changed physically, and they all tell me that I’ve never looked better in as many years.

Something seems to be working.

It is not too late to change your life.

My friends all care about me, and when it mattered, they spoke to me and told me that I needed to make some changes in my life. And I listened to them.

And now we are here, today.

Thanks to all my new subs and my dedicated readers to the blog.

“Because without you, I am indeed, talking to myself …”

Joey Elias, CJAD Comedy host.

Thursday A.M. – Special Essay #2 – Change


Taking care of those who need you to be present is a huge responsibility. The Story that keeps me ever present to Heavenly Father, and the work I do in community, comes from Margaret Craven, in her finest work, “I heard the Owl Call my Name.”

It is the story of Mark Bryan. A 26 year old young Anglican priest who is sent by his bishop to the Up Coast of Vancouver British Columbia. To serve in a native village.

The story begins with a conversation between a doctor and the bishop, as the doctor informs the bishop that young Mark is very sick and is going to die. The bishop, in his wisdom, sends him to Kingcome to serve the native community there in that small village.

Mark does not know the particulars, just that the bishop has asked him to go there, because the bishop thought that, if he had a second opportunity, that that is where HE would go.

Mark has to learn the native language before he can teach them his, and that is no easy prospect. But he persists. And over time, the spiritual experiences come to him, through the interactions with the many natives he will call family. He learns about them in order to learn how to love and serve them. And they too, do the same.

The story does not have a happy ending. Suffice to say, that in Mark’s heroic death, the little village honors him with a resting place in their great ceremonial burial ground just off the village.

If I need to know why I am still on this earth is that it is the OWL who calls the man or woman who is to die. Until that owl calls me, I’m not going anywhere…

Segue into Change …

Not long ago, a shift had begun to come into my life. I am hypersensitive to my feelings, and my emotional and mental well being, and my all around looks about town. I’ve gone back to color and my stylist keeps me groomed. I’ve changed up my wardrobe considerably, due to the fact that weight is falling off me on these new meds I am on.

I want to look good, and feel good and look good doing it too. Feeling good has everything to do with looking good… And damned what all my naysayers are saying. This is my life, and life is too precious and short to surround myself with elbows and assholes.

Not Going To Do It …

My friends are of two minds on this topic.

My straight friends look at me and say kind words of encouragement and love. They see who I am and they all know my story, everybody does, who knows me.

50 is a HUGE landmark. Because I am still alive, and will cross that bridge still breathing. I never thought I would get this far. And so I’ve hit another mental and emotional shift.

The first one began when I crossed the 40 mark. Every day, change, and emotion, was documented in the thousands of posts and pages on the this blog.

My gay friends, on the other hand, are not so generous with words. Many of my gay friends, well, almost all of them, are older than me by ten and twenty years.

They are Old. Miserable.


I will not go down to Old, Miserable and FRUMPY.

No way Jose …

My critical gay friends do not spare me insults in the rooms, because they love to pick me apart in front of the other members in the room, purposely.

It saddens me that this is happening. And I don’t need to explain my decisions to them because none of them have anything to do with my personal presentation in public.

I know, I am a bit emotional. My spiritual Director is very ill and I am doing everything I can to lift him up and support him, in this very personal journey he is on.

I’ve walked this road myself.

My Elder friend reminds me always that Heavenly Father is right there with us all the way, and that the sacrifice of the cross has brought us the Atonement.

Easter is coming and our Pope Francis encourages us to go out into community and participate and love deeply and serve totally. Because Christ shows us his face, in every single person we know, love and serve.

The coming months are going to be challenging. I just needed to document this shift as it is coming to me right now.

50 is the new 30 I’ve heard.

So I will look 30, when I reach 50, I am already on that path.

Faith Evolution …

Faith phrases LDS

How do you know who you are supposed to be? What determines who you are? What one looks like, what one feels, what one sees, what one reads, what one hears from others?

How does one reconcile LOVE coming from certain people, and hatred and revulsion from others?

Looking back, to those early days, I had very few friends growing up. I did not arrive into friendships until I had hit the 6th grade. And it was upward and onward from there.

I knew I was GAY very early in life.

What does a child do, who has time on his hands, and a house full of information to be had, if you knew where to look ?

Nobody thought twice about the consumption of reading material located throughout the house. And nobody gave a second thought to what kind of reading material it was either.

Back in the day, I had a transistor radio that I used to listen to in bed at night. But more specifically, it was what exactly I was listening to that mattered.

I knew I was gay, but I never spoke that word to anyone at home. But parents are not stupid nor ignorant. And in my teens, my father figured it out for himself and began to beat me and abuse me mercilessly and senselessly. The abuse my father handed out began when I was a small child and he would chase me around the house with a bat trying to kill me, saying that “I was a mistake and should never have been born.” My grandmothers stood in the way of my father and his bat every time he did that.

He maintains that line to this day, in 2016, and I am nearing the fifty mark next summer.

I am still that mistake, and the cause of everyone else’s problems.

It is All My Fault.

Not sure where that came from really.

I played the heterosexual dating game through junior high and high school.

I attempted to follow God into Seminary, and I failed in that work. Seminary was not the safest place and not the most sacred location either.

Homosexuality was alive and well under the cover of darkness. Who knew they were going to ordain so many pompous, arrogant, entitled queers into the church back then?

That is the God’s honest TRUTH.

I had not come out of the closet yet. I was still an impressionable young boy at age nineteen.

When I came of age, at 21, knowing I had to leave home, and never return, the one piece of advice I listened to, was from my shrink,

who told me that the only way into the gay community was through a bar and a couple of drinks. The rest they say is history.

What was being Gay ? Same Sex Attraction (SSA), Sex, Drugs, Alcohol…

I lived that lifestyle for just six years. When I turned twenty six, everything changed.

Having the beautiful boyfriend was all the rage in my twenties. And it seemed, that it was not the single gay that was attractive to most young gay men. It was the “coupled” gays that were the most attractive. Breaking up a couple who were dating was the holy grail in the community I was part of.

I was not the prettiest gay boy, but I was attractive for a while, until I became a worthless drunk.

I had never succeeded in having relationships worth any substance.Alcohol fueled the desire for sexual attraction and sex itself.

And it was my own undoing that brought me to where I ended up eventually.

Everything God gives us is a blessing. It might not seem that way as life happens. But in hindsight, getting sick was truly the best blessing I could have asked for.

And I guess, in a way, I was just asking for it, wasn’t I ???

Stupid. Just Plain Stupid.

When James committed suicide, I was twenty five years old. I had reached the first tragedy in my life.

And I drank myself into the ground over that and ended up in therapy.

The day I was diagnosed with AIDS, at age twenty six, the world stopped spinning.

It just stopped.

Where does God play into this story ?

Memere made it perfectly clear to me that she was IN with God. She had that magical connection.

She believed in God and that with that faith, she would give me superpowers to defeat the hatred and abuse I suffered as a child.

I would need that God.

I did not know where God was when James died, and I surely did not call out to God, nor utter a single prayer either.

When I told my family, friends, and fellows that I was sick and was going to die, everyone scattered, nobody hung around nor did any of them want to.

Hindsight is 20/20.

I know God performed a miracle in my life. If God was ever human, he arrived in the guise of Todd’s wise supervision and love.

I prayed day and night for life, and God was right there in the thick of it walking me through the darkness.

If Todd (read: God) had not stepped in and did what had to be done, I would have died with all those men who did die in the end.

I know today that God exists. That I met him in the flesh.

When one is diagnosed with AIDS, the non-negotiables went out the window. The dynamic of what we are and who we are changes forever.

The Post AIDS view of sexuality in my life speaks volumes as to what was more important during rough times.

And I see the wisdom of that blessing now.

Working in the bar, was practice in serving the least of these to the best of my ability. I was protected from anyone who would do me harm, by Todd.

Knowing how to take care of others, was specifically important, because in the end, I would know how to take care of ME, should it come to that. Thank God it did not come to that.

As long as Todd was in my life, I wanted for nothing. I had dignity, guidance, love and respect.

When he moved away, I did not know how to carry those forwards for myself.

I lost myself, turned inwards and took back my will and in an insane moment, tried to fill the hole in my soul. And that did not work out at all.

I returned to the scene of that decision, alone and single.

When I took my last drink, I knew I was done.

For the first time in recent memory I called out to God, I needed heavenly help. I prayed three prayers in a specific order.

And God is always listening, and to prove to me that HE was there, he shifted the universe and handed me everything that I needed. God heard my prayers.

That superpower Memere gave me, was still working.

When I got sober again, I was no longer alone. I had people in the rooms who took care of me.

I moved to Montreal, and later met my now husband.

The day I saw Hubby, I passed him in a church doorway, and I knew then and there that this was it. The rest, they say is history.

Soon after we met, within the first year, he was diagnosed with Bi-Polar depression. And I was alone. I chose to stay and take care of him. I wasn’t going to leave. I spent every night, sitting here in the dark wondering what to do? I kept close to the rooms, I prayed and I listened. God kept me sane and He cared for me, through the dark times.

What happens when the gay lifestyle (read: Sex) turns into care giving and support? Sex goes out the window. I was no longer drinking or drugging. Both of us are sober today.

I think God knew what He was doing.

When you take away the sexual dynamic from the equation of life, who and what you are changes as well.

I am going to be 50 next year. I am no longer a “viable member” of the gay community. I am well “Over the Hill” by the standards of the young gay community.

I don’t walk around Montreal, with the eyes of sexual attraction. Montrealer’s are beautiful people.

I have someone in my life that I love. Once that happened, sexual attraction for others, ended. Once you commit, you commit.

You don’t need any one else. Tainted as I am, who would want me.

I am a tainted man, which makes me sexually unattractive to the many. Hubby accepted me unconditionally. Without question.

If my marriage ever ended, one way or another, I would never go back into general population. That is not even a possibility.

Our relationship began on a wind swept cold and rainy day, and an angel lost in the park close to home.

That one event turned two humans into a couple. It was An Angel, Faith and God.

I’ve been married for twelve years this November 2016.

I’ve come to realize, in the rooms of the fellowship, that we are all human beings, who deserve dignity, love and respect.

I don’t have many gay friends that I can count on in a pinch. Two men come to mind.

I know many people in the rooms. But I rely only on a handful of men and women I can call at any time if need be. They are reliable. The rest are not.

With the dawn of gender fluidity, the whole question of who we are, what we want to be called, and what is politically correct, are all the rage.

I AM a child of God, created in his image. I am a human being worthy of Love and Love from God.

In all my years, today, I have lived through the darkest times, and I survived the threat of death. I conquered my addiction to drugs and alcohol.

What is important in life is very simple. Caring for my husband, being of service to my fellows, and living Godly principles.

The way I see the world has changed, and the way I see myself has evolved. The turning towards God and a life of faith is the transition I am in at the moment.

I’ve met The Elders – they appeared at the right moment, and I was open to conversation. Which led to where I stand right now.

And I have been listening for God’s voice. I am always listening for it, and if I don’t hear it, I sit with my friends and listen to them.

Recently, I heard God’s voice and he said to me that “I am enough for you.”

There is nothing I need except God’s love and direction.

I just want to know that my life has not been lived in vain, that God does love me – all of me. He knows everything and is all forgiving.

I’ve seen so many changes in the world and as those dynamics change, we change with them. At some point, we all have to figure out what we are going to do with our lives as we grow older. And I surely am not going to sink into the pit of obscurity that many of my older friends have sunk into.

As long as there is air in my lungs and I can get out of bed in the morning, I will serve God to the best of my ability.