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Posts tagged “On Being Fifty

Monday: The Language of the Heart

Michael Shainblum photog

Courtesy: Michael Shainblum Photography

There was an incredible Solar Eclipse earlier today… I slept right through it. But I have an amazing image to show you, if you missed it.

Overheard at the Meeting tonight: Imagine … How many people stopped their lives to look up at the sun, all at the same time, across the globe. What an amazing day it was.

Yesterday afternoon, Hubby was admitted to the Jewish General Hospital Emergency for an emergency operation to remove a sub-sebacious cyst on his lower spine. The operation was a success, and he was home, inside of three hours, post op.

Today was spent in follow-up doctors appointments and trips between home and the pharmacy. All is well.

This morning, well, at  6′ o clock a.m. I was up to go drop labs for my diabetes blood work, since being on Teujeo insulin now 2 months.

I got there uber early, so that I could get in and out quickly. Which is where this post will materialize. When you check in at the desk, they swipe your cards and file your work into the computer system for your bar code stickers for your vials.

I sat down with a young lady, who was going to do the deed. She asked my name and my birth date. I responded as usual, then added that I had just turned fifty a couple of weeks ago.

With a little amazement, she asked me how fifty felt ? I told her that I did not know yet, being so close to the epicenter. I furthered that explanation with what happened to me when I turned forty and beyond.

That, it was at the forty mark and beyond that point, that I began to have spiritual experiences, in the way I saw the world around me and what I actually could say, with some certainty, that I KNEW things for sure.

I was using spiritual language, like I knew what I was talking about, and the words came out so freely. She responded with …

Well, that happened to me when she turned thirty. She said …

She told me that she had heard things all her life from her parents and family and that when she hit the thirty mark, she had the same feeling of enlightenment.

For a moment I was jealous, thinking, “Shit, you mean I could have had that for me at thirty, had I been in the game of growing up when I hit thirty ???”

I did not say that, but it was what I was thinking in the moment.

I missed thirty, thirty-one until I finally hit thirty-four, when I got sober the second time and had made the decision to grow up finally. AND even then, it took a further six years of sobering up and learning what life as a grown man would look like, and how I would inhabit being a grown up man for myself.

When I turned forty and years after, if you have been following this blog all those years ago, you would have read the way my life changed in miraculous ways over the last ten years.

Last Monday we talked about resentments from the resentment section of the steps. I did not get a chance to share before the hour was up.

Tonight we read the passage in Step Nine, and the Ninth Step Promises.

“The Spiritual life is not a theory … One must LIVE a spiritual life.”

How one does that, follows the process of sobriety.

Along with the Preamble, we repeatedly hear How it Works, The Promises, and A Vision for You, over and over again.

Our chair read the Promises. And everyone in the room got to think about them, from their perspective, in their specific sober experience.

Having been sober this long, and being fifty now, I see the wisdom of the Promises as they happened for me, what order they came in, and when the final Promise we had been waiting for to come, did finally come.

“FEAR OF PEOPLE AND OF ECONOMIC INSECURITY WILL LEAVE US …”

That was the last one to come, and it only took thirteen years of waiting for it.

We just were not sitting on our asses begging God to just give that one to us.

Over the long history of our relationship, I would read a passage, hear it talked about in a discussion, and then hear a speaker talk about it in a speaker meeting.

Then God would say, “OK, Now you’ve heard all you need to know. NOW go work it out for yourself.” And so it was.

We would get a glimpse of freedom, as each day, week, month, and year that passed.

God would give us a peek, a little money, and we had to learn how to use it wisely, save it when necessary, and spend it where applicable.

Life was like that. God would give me a glimpse of what life would look like. That happened over and over again.

We certainly had our work cut out for us, on every aspect of sober life. It was not a cake walk, by any means. We learned our lessons well.

Imagine how many times you hit meetings over almost sixteen years, and hear those same readings, over and over again.

That is what is really GOOD about the BIG BOOK. Because the book tells us, right on page 112, In the chapter – To Wives … READ THIS BOOK.

If you are in step work, you would know about reading the book. Safe to say, I’ve been reading this book, over and over for more than fifteen years.

Now I am Fifty. What kind of wisdom do I have about the book today ?

I don’t know, I’d have to sit and think about this a little bit.

We shall explore this topic further in the days, weeks, and months to come.

Suffice to say, I shared a spiritual experience with a complete stranger this morning and that was a blessing for her and for me.

You never know who you will sit with on any given morning and what they might ask you.

More to come.


Monday: July 31st … On Being Fifty

harry-potter-and-the-half-blood-prince-photo-3

 

It is the best day of the year, and the most IMPORTANT day of my life.

I have reached the ripe age of Fifty … Harry would be 37 years old today.

I woke up very early this morning, as the sun was coming up. Just to be quiet for a time and appreciate that when I did get up this morning, that my heart was still beating.

I survived. I made it all this way. Miraculous, really. Who knew I’d live this long ?

What has changed ? I jettisoned a whole bunch of takers from my life. I re-ordered my priorities, and closed the book on the last chapter of my life.

Today, we begin writing the next decade …

When I turned 40, and the years that followed, I realized that I KNEW things for sure. It was only after I crossed the 40 mark that that began to dawn on me. So I suppose that whatever I am supposed to know now, will materialize on the days, weeks, months, and years that will follow.

Another personal cull is waiting in the wings, and I will know that list by the close of business today.

All I know is that NOW, instead of Forty years, I now have Fifty years of practical life experience and a BUNCH of sober knowledge about many people. Intimate knowledge that has helped the cull process.

I really know who I want in my life, and who I don’t. I know what I am willing to invest in and what I won’t. I have sobriety that was proofed in the furnace of vulnerability. I got down and dirty in the arena, while everyone else watched from the stands.

Only three people got in the arena with me.

If you aren’t in the arena with me, getting your ass kicked, I don’t need your feedback.

I’ve changed things up here on the blog. Added a few things, took others away.

I’ve decided to embrace the wisdom and look of a fifty year old. So that is a thing.

There are a few things I really need to focus on over the next little while.

Fifty feels good right now. That may change. We’ll see …

Anyways, Happy Birthday Harry …